


One Art

by OutLookingforAstronauts



Category: Metal Gear
Genre: Age Difference, Alcohol Abuse/Alcoholism, Anal Fingering, Anal Sex, Asphyxiation, Blood, Blow Jobs, Breathplay, Capacity issues, Depression, Dissociation, Domestic Violence, Emotional Manipulation, Glassing, Gore, Grief/Mourning, M/M, Oral Sex, Overdosing, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Rape/Non-con Elements, Rimming, Shotgunning, Slow Burn, Slurs, Substance Abuse, Suicide Attempt, Vomiting, Whipping, sleep paralysis
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-04-04
Updated: 2017-07-22
Packaged: 2018-05-31 06:27:08
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death, Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 42
Words: 76,355
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6459475
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/OutLookingforAstronauts/pseuds/OutLookingforAstronauts
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Set after the Shadow Moses Event. After the murder of Kazuhira Miller, David agrees to spend a week at his former lover's house to sort through his things in order to execute his will. Surrounded by memories of the late Master Miller, David reminisces about their ongoing love affair and ponders a life without his mentor.</p>
<p>A very self indulgent, not really canon compliant study of how David handles grief and loss.</p>
<p>Title taken from Elizabeth Bishop's poem 'One Art'.</p>
<p>*** NOW FEATURING FAN ART IN CHAPTERS 5 and 8 ***</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Funeral

_The art of losing isn’t hard to master;_  
_so many things seem filled with the intent_  
_to be lost that their loss is no disaster._

_Lose something every day. Accept the fluster_  
_of lost door keys, the hour badly spent._  
_The art of losing isn’t hard to master._

_\--One Art, Elizabeth Bishop_

 

The funeral was unassuming. David wished that he could latch his mind onto something, anything, about it to make it memorable. The weather, grey; the eulogy, all-purpose; the day, generic. The funeral could have been about anyone. That said, who was he to anyone these days? Even David had neither seen nor-as it transpired- spoken to him for over a year.

He took a drag of his cigarette and ran a dry, cursory eye over the dying proceedings. The last few dregs of mourners remained, mingling in small groups, mostly unfamiliar faces. His face remained stony as he saw a figure approach him from among the rabble. He tapped a few ashes from his cigarette.

‘Snake.’ David raised his eyes to meet the eyes before him.

‘Campbell,’ David nodded. Campbell kept respectfully reserved. He kept a deferential distance, sensing David’s less than friendly disposition. His expression was amiable enough, circumstances provided, and where he could bring himself to look directly at David, he maintained a kind pleasantry to his countenance. Given what had recently happened between them all with the Shadow Moses event, Campbell was at pains to keep conversation brief.

‘Snake, I just wanted to thank you again for agreeing to do this,’ began Campbell. His voice was hesitant, knowing that after all that David had done for him, he really had been in no position to ask another favour of him. 

‘I know I’m asking a lot of you. But what with Catherine at school and Nadine, and the executrix out of town there’s,’ his voice trailed off. ‘Well, there was nobody else I could turn to.’

David took another breath of his cigarette. ‘Somebody’s got to do it,’ replied David, dryly. Campbell nodded and handed David a set of keys.

‘The executrix of Miller’s will should be back by next week. Until then, I guess you’ll just have to read through the will, root through any of his things, get them ready for her return.’ 

‘Right.’

‘I understand he left some things to you too, Snake. You can take those when you leave. I suppose he must have been fond of you.’ Although Campbell’s voice was sincere, David shot him a glare, cigarette glowing softly as his mouth curled into a frown.

David silently refused to comment.

‘I can’t claim I knew Miller as more than a colleague. He liked to keep to himself. But,’ continued Campbell, ‘I’m sure your friendship would have done him some good in his final days.’ David bit back a scowl, knowing that Campbell was only speaking out of ignorance and supposed politeness. A silence settled between them.

‘Some of the boys, other old students of his, are holding a memorial service for him back in town. Something a little more… personal, I suppose. If you’d like to join?’ continued Campbell, sensing David’s unease.

‘It’s OK,’ replied David, dropping his cigarette to the ground, trampling out its embers. ‘I should head off to Miller’s if I’m going to get things done in time, I guess.’ 

‘One last thing,’ cut in Campbell before David walked away. ‘Wait here.’ Campbell strode off and returned with a plain, modest looking urn. He began to hand it to David when--

‘No,’ asserted David immediately.

‘Snake, just-’

‘Haven’t you asked enough of me already?’ hissed David. Another silence. David’s voice strained with reserved pain. Campbell could sense that he was beginning to hit a nerve.

‘Look, you don’t have to keep it or do anything with it,’ interrupted Campbell, eager to end this conversation. ‘Just—just take it back to his house and figure it out later.’ David frowned and, after a wordless standoff with Campbell, took the ashes reluctantly. Campbell relaxed visibly in relief. 

‘Thank you, Solid. I’m sure he’d really appreciate it.’ Again, David shot Campbell a stony faced look. He did not want to respond, and so remained silent. Reading his cues, Campbell simply nodded and walked away. 

Finally alone, David clutched the urn reverently in his hands. He brought it up to cast a glance over it. Dull grey, stony, with little to no embellishment or decoration save a simple engraving of his name, David sighed. Was this all that really he had left of the great, now late, Hellmaster Miller? His fingertips felt numb as he ran them over the rough surface of the urn. David squinted, trying to gather what little thoughts he had. He figured that, since this was the funeral of the man who he once cared for dearly, he should have felt more upset. He wondered if he should have felt a tight pang in his chest, or a flood of tears approaching, but…no. He breathed just fine.

He turned to have one final look at the dwindling funeral party and, taking the urn with him, made his way to his car.

He wasn’t entirely sure why had agreed to do this. A week alone, at Kaz’s house in Alaska, looking over his will and rooting through and itemizing his things. What was he thinking? Perhaps he felt like he owed Master Miller at least this one last favour. He had not seen Kaz since- well, since Kaz had left him, and their conversation since then had been scarce. Contemplating the week ahead, Dave half-heartedly wondered why he didn’t bring one of the dogs with him to at least keep him company. His mind turned to Kaz’s own huskies, also killed when Kaz was murdered. A twinge of sadness for them struck. He blinked.

He had everything he would need for the week sorted. The huskies were to be looked after by Hal, who, despite being very sympathetic with the circumstances, jumped at the opportunity to spend a week with the dogs. Beside him in a neat leather briefcase, Kaz’s will and other legal documents; in the trunk, enough food, beer, and cigarettes for the week. A lot of beer, a lot of cigarettes. And now, of course, the ashes of Kazuhira Miller. He squinted in thought.

Reluctant to put the urn in the boot, David strapped the urn in the seat beside him, fiddling with the seatbelt to ensure that Kaz’s ashes were secure. Placing his hand in his pocket he produced Kaz’s old aviators, wrapped carefully and lovingly in a muslin cloth to protect them from any scratches. After the chaos of fighting Liquid, David at least took consolation in the fact that he could retrieve Master Miller’s old aviators. Those glasses were sacrosanct. He briefly mooted placing the glasses over the urn, but batted the idea away as disrespectful, at least not right after a funeral. Instead, he hooked the side of Kaz’s aviators onto the seatbelt and- brushing a gentle, affectionate hand over the frame of the glasses out of habit- fastened his seatbelt and began to drive.

**

David listened to the radio idly fade out on the long car journey to Kaz’s cabin. His mind wondered back to the last time that he saw Kaz, but, after a moment he realised wasn’t ready to think of that yet. He blanked the memory out of his mind. He furrowed his eyebrows, focusing on the road ahead through the blanket of thick snow. After hours and hours of driving, David had finally made it to Kaz’s home. He parked his car and gathered his things together. 

Cradling Kaz’s ashes protectively against his chest inside the fur lining of his coat, David opened the front door of the cabin with a few heavy nudges. The winds from outside flung the door open and he hastily made his way into the cabin, dumping his things on the floor. Battling the gust from outside he pushed against the door with his back, finally managing to slam it shut.

Even inside the cabin, mist unfurled from between David’s lips. Holding the urn close to him still, David ran his free hand along the wall looking for a light switch. He turned on the lights. Although David had had an ongoing love affair with the man for the best part of the last decade, he had not yet been to Kaz’s Alaskan cabin. He knew that it existed- Kaz had occasionally spoken of it. Most of their meetings, however, when they were at training camp or, otherwise, spontaneous. As a result, David had never been to the only place that came close to a home for Master Miller. 

A dim glow settled in the cabin. Open plan and neat, Kaz’s home was exactly as David has imagined it. Handsome wooden beams glimmered overhead above a minimally decorated, but entirely lived in living area. A large fireplace, currently bare and unlit, drew the observer’s attention. Beside it, a sofa and a soft inviting armchair with a footrest- not matching- with a simple, low glass table. In lieu of a side table there was a hefty stack of hardback books with, of course, a few coasters set on top. David half smiled to himself- typical. A wine rack and an imposing and, to David’s amusement, very well stocked wooden drinks cabinet sat idly in the corner of the cabin. Various work desks with scattered papers and bookshelves lined the room. A narrow staircase led David upstairs to a clean, stylish bathroom and a simple wooden door at the end of the corridor. He began to reach for the handle, but paused. Today had been exhausting enough as it was. He could not face Master Miller’s bedroom tonight.

Leaving the bedroom behind, David made his way downstairs and, setting the ashes carefully on the table in front of the armchair, set about collecting the letters that had piled up in front of his door. Flicking through the junk that had accumulated, David paused as he saw an envelope, unopened, that he recognised. It was his. He sighed. Unsure of why, he opened the letter and began to read the words that he had written.

' _Master,_ ’ it began.

_‘When I heard from Campbell that you would be involved in this upcoming mission, I couldn’t contain my excitement and I just had to write straight away.  
I know that when we last saw each other we left things on a bad note. I’m sorry I haven’t called or written to you since. Truth is, I’ve missed you- as a friend, as a mentor. And I think I’m ready to put all of that behind us and just start again._

_I can’t wait to hear from you and get the team back together again. There’s no-one I’d rather be stuck in a foxhole with._

_Yours, as always,_

_David.'_

David folded up the letter neatly. He remembered feeling petty rejection when no reply came, figuring that Kaz didn’t care enough to respond. He sighed as he realized the real reason for his silence. He tossed the letter back to the ground. He was going to need a beer. And a cigarette.

David set about lighting the fire. He was much too tired to do any work on the house today, but much too exhausted to sleep. Stoking the embers in Kaz’s fireplace, he began to settle in. Shrugging off his coat, he searched for a coat hanger or closet. On finding a coat hanger, he absent mindedly ran his fingers through Kaz’s old coats and jackets. An old worn leather jacket that Kaz claimed was older than David; Kaz’s long, elegant winter coat that he wore during drills as David crawled through the snow; his every day, olive green oversized military jacket that he wore in spring. David paused, drawing his fingers fondly over the stitching over his name, ‘Miller’. He wanted to bury his face in the fabric, breathe in what remained of Kaz’s perfume and scream. Instead, he plucked that jacket from the coat stand and, sinking into the armchair with a beer and a cigarette, draped the jacket over his shoulders and chest like a blanket. He placed Kaz’s aviators on the table in front of the urn. He closed his eyes.

He inhaled on his cigarette, furrowing his eyebrows. So this was it. Master Miller was gone. Casting an eye over the room he wondered where it had happened. He had been too busy with the mission at the Shadow Moses to survey the crime scene and, by the time he was back, it was too late- the police had inspected the premises and everything was tidied away back to normal. Everything in its place, only, without Kaz. He kept his eyes shut, thinking back to when he heard the news from Campbell over the radio.

He wished that he could have reacted to the news properly when he first heard it over Codec. No pause or moment to take in his lover’s death. Straight to business and at the task at hand- straight to the mission. David chided himself for being so cold. Even now that things had settled down, David felt guilty that he couldn’t just pause and think about Kaz. He exhaled, a long plume of smoke filling the space before him. David supposed that here- cradled in Kaz’s old armchair, swaddled in his old military jacket, before his fireplace- was as good a time as any to pause and say goodbye to Master Miller. Only, he wasn’t ready. Not yet.

He sank into the silence and solitude around him when a sudden scratching from the corner of the room caught his attention. He took a swig of his beer and went over to investigate the noise. On closer inspection, he noticed that the noise was coming from below the floor under an unassuming fur rug. Sweeping the rug away idly, he noticed a trap door which led to a simple basement. Great thought David to himself. Another room to sort through. He went down the stairs, following the noise of the faint scratching as he puffed on his cigarette. As he honed into the noise, he heard a soft whimpering. David swiped away a bundle of old cardboard boxes and revealed the source of the noises. Immediately his default grimace softened.

‘Oh hey, buddy,’ he cooed, kneeling down and pressing his cheek on the floorboards. Another small whimper. ‘How long have you been hidden there?’ His breath coiled out in mist as he tapped his fingers softly on the ground.

‘It’s alright, you don’t need to be scared,’ he continued. ‘Come on, come on out.’ After a few minutes of coaxing, a small, messy bundle of fur emerged from shadows. It must have been one of the puppies from Kaz’s huskies. David picked it up immediately and cradled it close. It let out a tiny howl.

‘Oh hey, it’s alright buddy,’ he whispered to the puppy, running a soothing hand over the mottled fur on its head. ’It’s ok, you’re safe now.’ He took the puppy up to the kitchen.

‘Poor bastard,’ he muttered through his cigarette, ‘how long have you been hiding out?’ He began searching for some dog food and set the puppy down. It scrambled over to David’s legs, pawing helplessly at his feet.

‘Oh buddy, are you hungry?’ he babbled to the puppy. The puppy continued to whine. ‘You must be hungry.’ He placed the food in front of the puppy, sitting down gracelessly on the floor and aimlessly watching the puppy devour its meal. He draped his arms over his knees as he bowed his head in exhaustion.

This was going to be a long week.


	2. Strange Mercy

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> An overview of David's first few months at Foxhound and the beginnings of his relationship with the man who would be his lover.

Twenty-three and starting out as a young recruit at Foxhound, David notices from a distance, through a doorway down the corridor, the silhouette of the most elegant profile he’s ever seen. It looks down at a clipboard, occupied. He has no idea who it is that he has just seen, but he knows he has to see more. Only a figure draped in shadow, David cannot say that it was lust, he hasn’t seen enough. 

That would change the moment that they stand face to face.

It is a brief, short and very aloof introduction. David bows his head respectfully. Blue eyes shoot up to the meet the eyes before him. A stare hidden by the opaque barrier of impeccably stylish, uninterested aviators returns the gaze. David holds his breath. Intimidatingly tall and expression impenetrable, David wonders if the eyes behind the glasses even pay any attention to his face. His lips don’t move. A small, wordless nod and he is gone. 

Training is worse. 

A troubled child shaped and disciplined in the Green Berets, David comes to rely on focusing on his work. Here, he is good at something. Not just good, but the best. He has promise, potential and a direction that he has never had before. Concentrating and fixating in the moment that he knows he can conquer, he thinks of nothing and he feels good. The pain, rejection and aimlessness of being passed around from home- to home- to home- to home- hones into his pupils constricting as he aims the gun and pulls the trigger; as he leans forward and thrusts his weight into a hefty punch; as he breathes and sweats as he runs and he runs and he runs and he runs. And his mind goes blank. And the past subsides.

David is running now. He’s half a lap ahead of the other recruits, not that he cares about how he compares with the others. He’s running fast, but he knows he can go faster. He’s running into walls as he pushes his body forwards but the cold frozen air pushes back. He is running as his body tenses up and he frowns as he begins to tire. David does not want to stop. He wants to run. He needs this focus. 

‘David!’ calls a voice suddenly from a distance. ‘Stop, come here.’ David feels his legs stiffen as he drags himself to a halt. The moment David stops he feels his lungs constrict. He turns around and walks towards his Master. Master Miller walks towards him. They had spoken before, exchanging quick words here and there, but this is the first time that Master Miller has singled him out. Without realizing it, David is breathing heavily. They meet.

‘Good work, David.’ His voice is low, austere, professional. David tries his best to stand tall in front of his instructor. He blushes.

‘Thank you, Master.’ He replies. Master Miller looks at him through his glasses. A flicker of interest on his face as he narrows his eyes and almost smiles. David holds his breath.

‘Do you want to do better?’ asks Master Miller. David blinks processing the information. He can feel the saliva pooling in his mouth.

‘David?’ he continues. David swallows and nods silently, his body loathe to waste any more breath on his words. A knowing silence from Miller. He tilts his head back towards the track and David walks over. Wordlessly and efficiently, Master Miller stalks in front of David and effortlessly, as if rearranging a crooked tie, grasps his fingers over David’s chin and lowers David’s head.

‘Eyes forward, better focus.’ As Master Miller adjusts David’s stance he feels his shoulders immediately sink back and pull down his back muscles. He feels the pieces of his body fall into place and fit together.

‘Your shoulders tense up when you get tired. Keep your head forward and your shoulders low.’ He steps back and surveys the younger man. ‘You should know that already,’ he adds, dryly. He crosses his arms, dim metal peering through as the sleeve on his olive jacket ride up. David’s eyes latch onto his prosthetic arm. Master Miller coughs. David blinks and turns his head forward again, lowering his chin into the position.

‘Focus.’ Master Miller walks away.

And David runs. He takes a breath. Lighter on his feet he feels immediate exhilaration carry him forward. And he runs faster than he has before. His eyes widen and he smiles. The sting of the cool air zips past his young face, but he feels like he is alight with the fervor of blood rushing through his veins. Lapping the others yet again in no time, he feels progression- tangible and real- swelling through his body. He hopes Master Miller is impressed. 

A whistle blows and their session is over. As David walks away he casts a quick look over to Master Miller. Inadvertently, Master Miller catches David’s eye and smiles kindly. David blushes again, hoping that he can pass this off as a result of the running. As he walks away, David cannot hide the large grin that colonises his face. His pulse rushes from childish pride. 

His breathing gets lighter as his eyes widen. He quickens his pace as he begins to panic. Alone, he stops by a nearby bin and throws up.

***

‘Oh honey,’ she called, ‘you look so pale. They pushing you too hard?’

‘I’m alright,’ he replied. David grinned boyishly and shrugged off her observation. ‘Still managed to sneak out for date night, right?’ She cuddled up beside him and put two soft arms around his waist.

‘And I’m very pleased, dear,’ she mewed, pressing a short kiss on his cheek. David chuckled insincerely. 

They had been dating for a few months now. And she was a lovely girl, David thought, she really was. Pretty, caring and kind. He didn’t know why, but he felt almost guilty that those were the first things that came up in his head when he thought of her. In any event, David’s mind was elsewhere.

‘Dave?’ she asked from his side. ‘You seem absent, are you alright?’

‘Hmm?’ he answered, preoccupied. He ran a hand idly through her hair and brought her closer.

And David thought he was happy in the safety of her hold, cushioned against side of her breasts.

***  
Over the past few months since David had met Master Miller, the two had formed a good rapport. Knowing and wanting to get the best from his training experience, David focused on trying to replace he heat and tension of the start with something else. Spending time training with the great Hellmaster, in no time David was filled with a profound respect and admiration for his teacher. Under his guidance and watch in their one on one sessions, David could feel himself progressing and refining and surpassing his skills in a way he had never fathomed before. 

But that all came at an excruciating cost.

David bit down hard on his lip as he pushed a strained breath through his nostrils. His elbows were bare white, pressed on the frozen floor of the gym. They had been there for hours past the end of the group training session. The sun had long since been drained from the night sky. The walls of the gym were lit with dim, artificial pale light. David blinked as his surroundings blurred before him. His teeth ached as he clenched his jaw, desperately trying to bite town the pain that was searing through his body. He mouth flopped open in exhaustion and he began to pant. 

‘Come on,’ growled Master Miller. ‘Give me more. Focus’

David clenched his abs as, his legs suspended and tugging helplessly on the end of the TRX ropes, he dragged his body forward.

‘Lower your hips,’ he commanded curtly, his voice devoid of any sympathy. David pushed his body back, desperately trying to keep the tension with the rope on his feet.

‘I said lower your hips!’ He tapped his cane harshly on the ground. David inhaled in shock as he felt the vibrations jar up his overwrought core.

‘I’m trying, Master,’ he whined, trying to keep respect and composure in his response. He felt his pelvis shudder as he clenched his muscles further to straighten his back. 

‘Try harder,’ he insisted. David bit back a retort. It was easy enough for Miller to tell him to try harder. Miller wasn’t the one who had been training for hours on end. Miller wasn’t the one whose endurance was being edged and edged and edged. For all of David’s disciplining and respect for his master, his naturally feisty temperament was being tested.

In fact, thought David, Master Miller was only ever the one watching from the sidelines. A mixture of fear and reverence meant that nobody ever dared to challenge him to live up to the legacy that preceded him. He could demonstrate, or advise on their technique. And, as David knew all too well, he could push and push and push and push. But Master Miller was always, always above joining the recruits. After all, his seniority and visible wounds were deemed proof enough of his worthiness. Hellmaster Miller was on a pedestal and he was untouchable. 

‘Master, please,’ croaked David, ‘I-‘

‘Try harder.’ 

David let out a groan and flopped unceremoniously to the floor, his arms splayed out by his sides and his chest heaving, grateful for the cold of the ground beneath him against the head of his body. David all but gulped the air around him. He felt the clash of Master Miller’s cane as he stepped slowly towards David. Despondent and defeated, David lay his cheek against the floor and shut his eyes. He felt the cold metal of his mentor’s hand graze the bottom of his chin. Master Miller gently tilted David’s head upwards. David froze under Miller’s inspecting gaze. He held his breath as he felt Miller’s eyes scanning his face. Was Master Miller frowning? Were the lines around his mouth softening gently? Master Miller pursed his lips and let out a small sigh.

‘Ok, David, have a drink of water and then come back here. We’re going to do this again.’

David looked up at the face of his mentor, grateful for the strange mercy in Kaz’s resignation. Taking a breath, David nodded and pushed himself onto his feet. After gulping down his water desperately, David returned to find that Master Miller fiddling with another set of ropes opposite the ones that David had been using.

‘Master?’ enquired David, to let Miller know that he was there.

‘Back already?’ he responded, preoccupied.

‘Yes, sir.’

‘Ok then, back as you were, soldier,’ continued Kaz. ‘I’ll be with you in one moment.’ Kaz walked over to a nearby wall and propped his cane against the wall, adjusting his prosthetic leg. David lay down on his front as he watched his master, his back to his student, unzip his jacket. The soft glint of Kaz’s arm caught David’s eye as Kaz nonchalantly shrugged his shoulders back, his jacket dropping elegantly down his back. Underneath, Kaz wore a standard olive coloured tank top, fitted to showcase impressively and oddly surprising, to David at least, sculpted muscles. It seemed his reputation as Hellmaster really was deserved. David wondered idly why he would hide such a physique away.  
Kaz raised his flesh arm and pulled his elbow behind his head, stretching out his shoulders and back muscles. David watched silently as Kaz rolled his head from side to side, preparing himself to join his protégé. David’s gaze traced Kaz’s arm down, over the contours of his bicep, the soft blonde hairs of his exposed forearms, to the black leather of the gloves he always wore, his hands hidden away. He watched the way his master’s hair cascaded effortlessly down his back and held his breath.

David snapped out of his trance as Kaz turned around and knelt down, positioning himself in front of David.

‘You’re joining in too, Master?’ asked David in confusion. ‘But you never-‘

‘Got to keep up my physique somehow, don’t I?’ joked his mentor. ‘It’s getting late. If I don’t join in now, I’ll have no time to work out myself. These sessions are coming out of my personal time, David. Besides, you could do with a companion. For a beginner this exercise is a bitch.’

‘I’m a beginner?’ replied David, mock offense colouring his voice. He watched his mentor’s face as Kaz let out a soft chuckle and hooked his boots to the rope behind him.

‘You’re a pup, David,’ retorted Kaz, smiling to himself. ‘You’ve got plenty to learn yet.’ Catching sight of his master’s smile, David couldn’t help but smile in return, biting his lip instinctively.

‘Ok, you ready?’ continued Kaz. David, filled with a new vigour nodded enthusiastically to his teacher. ‘Ok, one, two, three, up.’ Both men lifted themselves up into a plank. ‘Hold that position until I tell you to start moving.’

‘Yes, sir.’ David focused all of his attention on maintaining his posture. As honoured as he was to have Master Miller join him in this, he felt doubly obliged to get this right. He felt himself blush under the pressure.

The men continued their drill together, Master Miller correcting David where needed. Not long after they had started, David could already feel his core strength beginning to give way. He looked up to his master who, opposite from David and scrutinising his technique, had not even broken a sweat. He looked irritatingly elegant. 

‘Ok, now go slower,’ commanded Kaz, all but halting his pace as he dragged his body mid-air in demonstration. David’s eyes widened at the control that Kaz exhibited over his body. He gulped.

‘Slower?’ David asked in disbelief.

‘Yep,’ replied Kaz cooly. ‘Don’t let momentum carry you, let your strength do the work.’ David let out a long drawn grunt of pain as he tensed his muscles and slowed down his movement, mimicking his master.

‘God, Master,’ sighed David through gritted teeth ‘how the hell are you managing this?’

‘You doubting me, kid?’ teased Kaz in response.

‘Urgh.’ David was visibly and audibly too tired to keep up with any witticisms that his Master threw at him. The composure on his face began to wear thin as David dropped his head in exhaustion, a stark contrast to his Master who moved with expert dexterity and serenity. Kaz noticed David’s lowered morale.

‘Keep going, kiddo,’ encouraged Kaz. ‘You’re improving a lot.’

‘Thank you Master,’ responded David dryly. Kaz could tell that his reassurance wasn’t getting him very far. He tried employing another tactic.

‘Come on, kid,’ Kaz began, ‘if an old man like me can endure this, what’s your excuse?’

David let out another grunt and, without a thought in his head quipped,

‘Well, with all due respect, sir, both of my arms hurt.’

Master Miller stopped dead in his tracks. Immediately he glared at the younger man, his mouth opening in disgust and disbelief. David froze, suddenly realizing how insulting he had just been to the man that he revered the most. _Shit_. A moment of silence.

‘Oh my God,’ began David, ‘Master, I don’t know why I said that, I’m so sorry.’

Kaz frowned and pushing himself up with his one flesh arm, stood up and walked over to collect his things.

‘Master, wait!’ called David, struggling out of his position and attempting to stand up. His wearied muscles betrayed him and he flopped on the floor, scrambling to his feet. Kaz put on his coat, picked up his cane and made his way to the door.

‘Master, please,’ he cried, rushing to follow his mentor. ‘I’m so, so sorry, Master.’

He reached a hand out to his idol.

‘Master,’ he begged, catching the fabric of Kaz’s sleeve. ‘Please, don’t leave me.’ David used what little strength he had left to pull Kaz back, clinging to his jacket and grabbing his arm. Kaz turned around to look back at the younger man. David watched the strands of his golden hair settle on his shoulder. He ran his eyes up to his mentor’s face. Behind the cold grey of his aviators, Master Miller’s eyes branded fury and pain, raw and unadulterated, and to David he was beautiful.

‘Let me go, David,’ growled Master Miller, biting back his rage. Instead, David pulled himself close to his Master. He looked at Kaz helplessly.

‘David,’ he repeated, ‘let me g-‘ He paused, interrupted as his eyes caught sight of the young man below him. Feeling the gentle weight of David tugging at his jacket, Kaz instinctively dropped his cane and wrapped an arm around David’s back to stablise him. Clear, mournful eyes looked up at him, agonized by immediate regret. His generous lips hung open, curved in a remorseful frown. The boy looked like a puppy scorned. His eyes flickered to Kaz’s lips as the men moved closer together. Their breaths unfurled over each other’s lips for a moment before, drawn together by magnetism, they kissed.

David draped a strong arm around the older man’s neck and pulled himself towards his mentor, pressing himself firmly into their embrace. Kaz brought his hands up to David’s face, caressing his cheekbones with a delicate thumb before cupping his face. David stretched out his neck as he lunged upwards towards his Master, hungry to devour those lips. He splayed his hand over the back of the older man’s head and tangled his fingers through Kaz’s hair, pulling at it roughly. He sucked relentlessly on his master’s bottom lip until the need for air drew them apart. He let out a soft whimper.

Kaz looked down at the face beneath him, so similar and yet so distinct in its innocence and hope. His body seized up in panic. He stepped back and raised his hands, creating distance between him and his pupil. His mouth quivered as he picked up his cane and shook his head, backing away from the younger man.

‘David, I’m sorry, I shouldn’t have,’ began Kaz.

‘Master?’ simpered David, his elation turning to confusion as he watched his idol turn away.

‘I’m sorry, I just can’t-’

And at that, Master Miller was gone and David was alone. 

From then on, personal interactions between the men would be scarce.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Dammit Dave, not cool: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FgxEJOi6GtA
> 
> Sorry this took long, and sorry that this is basically just filler. I actually wrote the next few chapters before I wrote this and kept putting this one off. Sorry!! Please bear with the exposition. More feels to come later...
> 
> As always, please feel free to let me know your thoughts in the comments below or say hello on tumblr at:
> 
> http://cryingoverkaz.tumblr.com/


	3. Left Behind

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A short vignette of David contemplating the tasks facing him as he sets about going through Master Miller's will.

_He was my North, my South, my East and West,_  
_My working week and my Sunday rest,_  
_My noon, my midnight, my talk, my song,_  
_I thought that love would last forever: I was wrong._

_\--Funeral Blues/Stop all the clocks- W H Auden_

 

David grumbled to himself as he woke up in Kaz’s armchair, alone. He groaned as he rubbed his back, pained after a night sleeping in an awkward position. He buried his face in Kaz’s jacket, preparing himself reluctantly to face the day ahead. 

There is a strange mundanity to dealing with a person’s estate after their death. After the funeral and eulogies, memorial services and elegies, it seemed that all that is left is paperwork. And of all of the physical things left behind. Every day, every hour, somewhere, whenever somebody passes away all of these items remain, locked up in now empty houses, alone. Umbrella stands, coffee cups and coat hangers. And paper. And paper and paper and paper and paper. Ordinary, routine and unwanted. And if they cannot be sold off, or otherwise donated (who would want a dead man’s laundry basket?) then perhaps they would just be disposed of. Even that required some form of paperwork. 

David cast an eye over the house before him. After rooting through his Master’s will, and going through the sentimental items detailed there, what would happen to whatever else was left behind of his lover? Perhaps luckily for him, that was for the executrix of Kaz’s will to decide whenever she returned. Yet the thought of unfamiliar hands touching and groping his Master’s old things made him feel sick. Violating. He idly wondered if this is how it felt for the families of all of the men that he had killed. He put it out of mind. Instead, David felt a strange urge to hoard and collect every last item left of Kazuhira Miller, and gather him to his chest.

After feeding the puppy- who on seeing that David had woken up, took to following him as he wandered about and nipping at his trouser cuffs- David made himself a cup of coffee and grouped the papers of Kaz’s will at Kaz’s desk. Minutes passed as the bare, black letters blurred before him. His eyes scanned the top line over and over again and he frowned as he struggled to focus. The first few paragraphs were standard and easily skimmed through- the money in the bank account, the proceeds of the sale of Kaz’s property. Nothing that concerned David’s task at hand. He turned the page and noted which items were named specifically. As Campbell had mentioned, Kaz had left some things to David: a trunk and its contents, located by the bed in Kaz’s bedroom (which he was yet to enter), and, of course, the entire contents of his drinks cabinet. David let out a dry scoff and peered over to Kaz’s- typically- well stocked drinks cabinet. _Of course._ The bastard.

Stretching out his neck and straightening his shoulders, he looked back over to the table where Kaz’s urn was sat. He glanced around the room, now lit with daylight, taking in the small details of the woodwork above. He placed his hands on the desk and pushed himself up to stand. After pouring himself another cup of coffee, he walked over to the glass table. Staring down at the urn for a moment of hesitation, he picked up Kaz’s ashes and pressing them close to his chest, went to survey the view from Kaz’s window. 

The snow had long since stopped, and clear morning sunlight cracked through the woken branches of the surrounding trees. For obvious reasons, Kaz’s cabin was isolated and guarded. The small road to his drive was hidden among the trees; the edge of his garden tailed off into a steep slope and giving way to a view of the empty landscape ahead, framed by the imposing mountain scenery. This truly was a place where Kaz hoped that nobody could reach him.

In the back of his mind, David was oddly embittered by its beauty. His coffee still tasted smooth and rich as it lapped over his tongue; sunlight, bounding off the pure white snow, still felt warm and familiar as it caressed his world weary face. With or without his mentor, these things would remain. It didn’t feel right. As if David expected that a world without Kazuhira Miller would suddenly be empty. 

It wasn't. 

A rustle of branches in the distance. Snow cascaded to a gentle thud. David clutched the urn closer to his chest and focused his gaze towards where he heard the movement, frowning. David was met with the silhouette of a deer, gracefully nosing around the branches. David watched. Something in her senses clicked and her head darted up, alert. From afar, catching eye contact with David for a brief moment, they looked at each other. She straightened her neck and scurried off.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry this is (yet again) pretty plotless and possibly a bit odd. Inspired by the music I was listening to at the time which is probably why. And sorry for the cliché poetry at the start but I'm just a sucker for Auden and this poem in particular!
> 
> I've actually got a more substantive chapter that I've had written for ages. Will post that tomorrow just to stagger things.
> 
> Thanks so much for reading!! Hope it was OK. Please feel free to let me know your thoughts in the comments below or say hi on tumblr. Always happy to chat at:
> 
> http://cryingoverkaz.tumblr.com/
> 
> <3


	4. Refrain

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Kaz gets an unexpected visitor at his apartment in the early hours of the morning and is not best pleased...

_‘Yoooohoooo!!_ ’ called a voice from outside of Kaz’s window. A short, sudden thump at his window. Kaz cast a quick glance at the clock on the wall. It was 3am. He frowned.

‘I know you’re in there,’ continued the voice. ‘It’s fucking freezing out here, are you gonna let me in?’

‘For fuck’s sake,’ Kaz grumbled to himself as he threw his book down inelegantly and flung on a t-shirt and his aviators. He grabbed his crutch and hobbled towards the window and, bundling his hair back into a messy pony tail, drew open the curtains.

‘Yooohoooo Kazooooo!!’ howled the voice. _Fuck_ , thought Kaz to himself. Another soft thud on his window. He pushed up the window and stuck his head out.

‘David what the fuck?’ he replied, in a frantic half whisper, wary of disturbing his neighbours any more than needed.

‘Kaz-ooo-he-raa,’ sounded out a very drunken David from below as he shaped another snowball in his bare hands. ‘That’s how it’s pronounced, right?’

‘What the fuck-’ Kaz spat in reply, batting away Dave’s surprisingly well aimed snowball. ‘David, what the fuck are you doing?’

‘It’s so coooolldd,’ David drawled, beginning to lie down and sprawl in the snow. He shut his eyes and pressed his cheek into the snow. ‘Let me in?’ he whined.

‘Go home, David,’ growled Kaz. 

‘No!’ David replied childishly. ‘I’m not leaving you. You gotta let me in.’

‘Go home, David,’ he repeated, his teeth gritted. ‘ _Right now!_ ’ 

David shut his eyes and smiled as he began to make messy snow angels.

Kaz ground his teeth in fury, cursing to himself in Japanese as he slammed the window shut. Hastily attaching his basic prosthetic leg, he scrambled out of his apartment and down the stairs to go and collect David. ‘Fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck,’ he muttered to himself as he paced quickly.

‘Kaazzz,’ squealed David in delight as Kaz opened the door. He began to roll over in the snow languidly, sticking his ass in the air, his clothes damp and sticking to his body. 

‘Come and join me, Master.’ Kaz folded his arms.

‘David, get up,’ he ordered.

‘Make me!’ David retorted petulantly. He rolled and arched his back, sticking out his groin. Kaz’s eyes burned beneath his glasses. He could not believe what he was seeing before him. This was so out of character for the usually respectful and respectable David. Throwing off his slippers, Kaz braced himself for the cold on his foot as he walked out towards the young man. David let out a broad smile as he saw his mentor walking towards him. 

‘You look hot as fuck when you’re mad.’ No response from Kaz, unamused. David hiccupped.‘Come onnnn, a little flirting never hurt anyone. _Indulge me_.’

‘Get up,’ he growled, making no attempt to hide his biting anger. Another terribly aimed snowball. David hiccupped again. Kaz remained still and stony faced as it whirred past him. He leaned down and offered his hand to David.

‘Thank you, Master,’ David mewed as he took Kaz’s arm and hoisted himself up. David’s hand clung onto Kaz’s arm, taking his warmth in his palm. Kaz’s arm tensed at the sudden shock of David’s frozen hand. David pouted as Kaz snapped his arm back the second that David was upright. Kaz nodded his head, gesturing wordlessly for David to follow him inside as he walked towards the door abruptly. David scampered behind him, his limbs loose with alcohol.

‘Wait there.’ Kaz shut the door behind them unceremoniously. ‘Follow me and don’t even think about saying a word.’ Kaz began to climb the stairs. ‘You’ve already woken up half the neighbours.’ Kaz continued to grumble and reprimand David as they walked. His words went right over David’s head as David kept his eyes resolutely and unashamedly on his instructor’s firmly sculpted ass. David tilted his head.

‘Here,’ said Kaz when they were finally outside apartment. He opened the door. ‘Get inside, now.’ David stumbled over the doormat and into Kaz’s apartment, splaying his arms out to regain stability. Kaz slammed the door shut.

‘What the fuck is this all about, David?’ demanded Kaz, his voice wolfish. David swayed in his position and craned his neck to get a better look at the apartment around him. David was in no state to take down the details of Kaz’s interior design.

‘David!’ snapped Kaz. David’s expression remained childish and nonchalant. He turned his head sluggishly to Kaz and tilted his head questioningly.

‘Mhmm?’ he responded. Kaz let out a long frustrated sigh and scrunched his eyes shut to compose himself. Another breath. Kaz didn’t even know where to begin.

‘David how the hell did you find my apartment?’ Kaz asked. David’s face brightened in response.

He gave Kaz an exaggerated wink and tapped his nose. If Kaz wasn’t so mad he would have found this adorable. ‘I used my- _hic_ \- “sneaking skills” and found it on your file in the office.’ 

‘What the hell?’ Kaz stared at David in pure confusion. 

‘Intel gathering,’ continued David, slurring his words. ‘Just l-like you taught us, Master.’ David crouched onto the floor. ‘Sneaaakkiiingg.’ Kaz’s eyes widened in horror as he watched David begin to crawl on his floor and roll his hips in what Kaz could only guess was an awful attempt at being seductive. He grimaced as he saw the rug crumple beneath David’s arms.

‘Do you like my sneaking skills, Master?’ David cooed from below.

‘Get off my floor, David,’ instructed Kaz flatly. 

‘No!’ he huffed, crawling behind Kaz’s sofa and hiccupping softly.

‘For fuck’s sake,’ Kaz muttered to himself. 

‘David,’Kaz warned, growling.

\--‘Kazuhira!’replied David cheerily, interrupting Kaz from behind the sofa, focused intently on his crawl. ‘That’s what it says on your staff file. It sounds- _hic_ \- pretty, is that supposed to be Japanese or something?’ he asked. 

‘David, get off my floor.’

‘Hey, can I call you Kaz?’ said David, popping his head up from behind the sofa. ‘Sounds cool, you know.’ Kaz’s muscles tensed. He hadn’t heard that in a while. David crawled behind the armchair beside the sofa mindlessly.

‘Kaz?’

‘No,’ he growled flatly.

‘Pleeaaaaaaase,’ David whined.

‘Get the fuck off my floor, David.’ Kaz began to light a cigarette dismissively. A silence fell between the two men. Kaz walked off and returned with a large glass of water for David. Blinking slowly and realising more of the reality of the situation, David lifted himself up from behind the chair and walked towards Kaz. Kaz raised his eyes to look at the boy in front of him.

Wearing only a pair of ragged old jeans and a white t shirt, soaked from his previous escapades in the snow. It clung to the sinewy, toned body beneath, showing the beginnings of muscular, well-defined upper body. David’s hair was damp and ruffled, dark curls clinging to his forehead as his boyish face blushed in the warmth of the room. Kaz let his eyes linger on David’s expectant, crimson lips slightly before raising themselves to glare pointedly into David’s bright sapphire eyes. David hiccupped.

‘David, where are your clothes?’ Kaz asked, unamused.

‘Ummm,’ he slurred, ‘I don’t know. I went for drinks with some of the guys and I dunno, they all disappeared and I thought I’d just start walking and…’ David shrugged languidly. Had Kaz not been so furious at the interruption he would have smiled. The rosiness of David’s cheeks irresistible. 

‘Are you mad, Master?’ he asked, his lips curved innocently and sweetly as he tilted his head. ‘You look mad.’ Kaz ground his teeth together, internally irritated at how disarming and adorable David looked right now. 

‘Sit down,’ ordered Kaz. David sat immediately on command. The boy was a goddamn pup. He shoved the glass of water into David’s frozen hands. ’I’ll get you a dry shirt, you’ll die of hypothermia if you stay like that. Stay there.’ 

‘You know,’ began David, drawling, ‘they say the best way of keeping warm is to get naked and spoo-‘

‘Just stay there, dammit,’ interrupted Kaz, shouting over the younger man.

Kaz turned around quickly to avoid looking at David who immediately began to peel off his wet t shirt. He clenched his fist. That face, so young and pure, and yet so like the face that hounded Kaz’s dreams. Regardless of where David came from, Kaz knew for certain that goddammit the boy was gorgeous. Alive, hopeful, unbroken. And so irritatingly willing. 

He strode towards his wardrobe and fished through a pile of neatly folded t shirts, trying to figure out which one he cared about the least. Cursing, he pulled a plain, old grey t shirt from the pile. Kaz wasn’t entirely sure about the fit of the shirt. Although David was strong and very likely to bulk up soon like his father, his frame was still quite young, lean and thin. That said, keen for David to leave, Kaz wasn’t concerned about the shirt fitting. He cursed again, idly wondering if this was karma for the time Kaz spent as a drunken burden in his younger years.

A light creak of the floorboards behind Kaz caught his attention. 

‘Kaz?’ spoke a familiar voice, quiet but authoritative. Kaz paused, pained as the sound of his own name echoed in his mind. He turned around and saw David, topless and standing in his door frame. Half silhouetted against the light from the corridor, David loomed. His shadow trailed on the floorboards in front of him. Shade settled on the contours of well-defined abs. He stood facing Kaz, bare and open, his head held high. Alcohol had given him courage as he breathed heavily in anticipation. 

‘Master, about that night,’ he began. Kaz clenched the t-shirt and frowned.

‘David, we’re not going to have this conversation,’ replied Kaz flatly, not wanting to engage him.

‘You know, I-I dumped my girlfriend for you,’ said David. Kaz rolled his eyes and walked towards David, pushing past him into the corridor and shoving the t-shirt into his hands.

‘I don’t owe you anything.’ Kaz began walking down the stairs.

‘Kaz,’ began David, following Kaz as he limped. ‘I can’t stop thinking about you.’

‘Not my problem,’ maintained Kaz as he slouched and kept his eyes firmly ahead.

‘I know you want me too, Kaz, I know it.’

‘You don’t know shit, David.’ Kaz shook his head in frustration, feeling his resolve begin to falter. For once Kaz was trying to do the right thing but godammit the boy was so relentless.

‘I know that you want me, I know!’ persisted David. No response from Kaz. 

‘Answer me, Kaz!’ he cried. ‘Look at me and tell me that you don’t want me!’ Reaching the bottom of the stairs, Kaz turned around swiftly and without any hesitation in his face, looked directly at David. His long, golden hair nestled gently on his shoulder. David’s breath hitched as he felt himself let out a soft, imperceptible whimper. His stare was frozen, devoid of any warmth or sympathy.

‘I don’t want you.’ A pause. David frowned.

‘I-I don’t believe you.’ He stuttered. Another pause. Kaz frowned. Another attempt.

‘I’m still fucking my ex,’ said Kaz flatly.

‘Doesn’t mean you can’t fuck me too,’ replied David, throwing up his arms and moving closer feigning indifference.

Kaz felt a pang of disappointment in David. This was so uncharacteristic of David. Or, so he thought. Perhaps he had made too many assumptions about the boy before him. In any event, it was clear that David deserved more.

‘You’ll only end up getting hurt.’ A silence settled between them. Kaz’s chest tightened with guilt as he watched for a reaction David. He really didn’t mean to hurt him, but this was the only way to protect him. David sighed and lowered his head, nodding gently.

‘I know,’ he uttered. He looked up at Kaz, his clear blue eyes pure and strained with a knowing desperation. ‘I’m ok with that.’

Kaz looked at David, disappointed that already David would give up on himself. He was worth so much more than anything that Kaz could offer him. 

‘Don’t be stupid!’ Kaz sighed. ‘You’re worth more than that.’ Before the older man, David looked fragile, his soft, pale face flushed from the alcohol and warmth of the apartment. 

‘Kaz, I’ve got no choice, I can’t stop thinking about you,’ he persisted.

‘Don’t call me that.’

David clutched the shirt that Kaz had given him, wriging it as he bit his lip and stared intently at the older man.

‘Master,’ he said, ‘I’m in love with you.’ A silence. Kaz widened his lips and leaned himself against the cabinet. He looked straight at David over his aviators and raising his eyebrows began to buckle over in caustic laughter. David’s mouth hung open. That hurt.

‘Bullshit,’ snarled Kaz as he laughed, ‘you don’t know what the fuck you’re talking about, kiddo. You’re smart, but you’ve got a lot to learn.’ David stood for a moment, stunned in humiliation as he watched Kaz wave a dismissive arm towards him. He felt wounded, but something in him was so sure, so certain that there was something between them. He scrunched his face, pouting in anger. Throwing down Kaz’s shirt and stamping towards the older man he cried out.

‘No!’ He swallowed and tried his best to stand tall, raising his head and staring directly at his master as Kaz took a drag on his cigarette carelessly. Kaz shot David a look, raising an enquiring eyebrow at him.

‘No?’ he questioned.

‘No,’ David repeated, resolute. He grabbed Kaz’s shirt, pulling the older man towards him with one hand. He turned his head to look up at Kaz, his expression deadly serious. ‘Don’t patronise me, I won’t let you.’ Although Kaz knew that David was drunk, there was a sincerity and power in his voice that Kaz could not help but find mesmerising. Kaz remained silent.

‘Don’t lie to me, Master! There was something there. I felt it, and you felt it too.’ Kaz looked at him, his eyes pained with restraint behind his glasses. This was testing every nerve of Kaz’s being.

‘David you’re drunk.’

‘No, don’t brush me off like that. Don’t shut me out.’ David lunged in towards Kaz, swaying and grabbing his shoulder with free hand as the alcohol robbed him of his balance. They stumbled backwards as Kaz stepped back, leaning on his arm on the cabinet to prop up David. Reluctant to touch David’s bare chest in this state, Kaz turned his head away and with his one free hand, tried to remove himself from David’s clutches.

‘David, stop, let go of me, you’re too drunk-’

‘I don’t need a lecture I just need you to fuck me and make it stop.’ That caught Kaz off guard. His mouth opened slightly as he looked at David in confusion. David leaned more of his weight uncontrollably onto Kaz, pinning and cornering Kaz between the wall and cabinet.

‘What-?’ began Kaz.

‘Just fuck me, Master!’ he cried, the hysteria building in his voice. Kaz began to panic as he felt his basic leg prosthetic begin to slide on the floorboards below him as he held the two of them up.

‘No, David, stop, you’re going to fall, just let me g-’

‘- Just fuck me! demanded David as he began to shake his head and thrash an arm gently but firmly against Kaz’s strong, taut chest. ‘Use me, take advantage of me, hurt me, I don’t care!’ He flopped onto Kaz, begging. 

‘Just _get out of my head!_ ’ he cried. ‘Please, just make it go away. Don’t leave me, I can’t’-‘

‘-David!’ Kaz’s leg slipped and gave way. 

Under the momentum of David’s weight, the two men toppled backwards gracelessly, Kaz’s back hitting the ground with a hard thud. David landed on top of Kaz’s abdomen, his face momentarily nestled awkwardly in the thin fabric of Kaz’s t-shirt. David sighed, pressing his face helplessly against the firm, sculpted muscles that he felt beneath him. Kaz flinched at the feeling, immediately propping his torso up and shuffling away from the younger man.

‘I’d do anything for you, Master,’ drawled David, crawling towards his instructor lustily. His voice was hoarse and heavy with alcohol and desire. He growled. ‘Just give in.’  
Kaz continued to edge away from David. He felt his bottom lip quiver slightly as his gaze fixed on the younger man, fighting the urge to surrender to this vision before him. Kaz felt the gentle bump of the wall behind him. He was trapped.

‘Give in to me, Master,’ he purred lustily, climbing on top of Kaz and pressing his weight down onto Kaz’s hips. He ran a strong hand over Kaz’s stomach and chest, gripping the fabric of his shirt and pulling himself closer to his master. Breathing deeply and faintly dizzy from the subsiding effects of the alcohol, David shut his eyes leaned his face into Kaz’s, their lips inches apart. Kaz could all but taste the sweet, burning hint of whiskey on David’s breath and it was intoxicating.

‘I’d do anything you want, Master,’ he moaned, silkily. ‘Anything. You just have to ask.’

David opened his eyes and stared into Kaz’s eyes in hunger. Kaz gulped gently as he looked at the transfixed eyes before him. Vivid sapphire, stormy with desire, they were the clearest eyes that Kaz had ever seen. Behind the clouded lust, in them he saw a youth and hopefulness that Kaz had long since lost in himself. At that moment Kaz knew what he had to do. He closed his eyes and took a deep breath.

‘I’m asking you to stop, David,’ said Kaz firmly. David paused, his expression quickly turning to confusion. Wounded, he moved his face back from Kaz’s, his lips dropping at the side and looked at Kaz in disbelief. Kaz darted a quick apologetic look towards David and then turned his head away.

‘No,’ whimpered David desperately, pained by the rejection. ‘No, no, no I was so sure you felt the same.’ He placed his hands on Kaz’s shoulders and shook him gently. ‘No, I don’t believe you, you’re lying to me, Kaz, no, don’t do this to me!’ He held Kaz in front of him and his pain turned to anger as Kaz remained silent and looked away. He looked at Kaz in disdain.

‘God you’re a _coward_ ,’ spat David quietly. ‘What are you so afraid of?’ Kaz furrowed his eyebrows as the barbed truth of David’s words burned. Kaz wanted to end this now.

‘Don’t look away from me. What are you so afraid of?’ demanded David, shaking him harder. ‘Answer me! Kaz, why won’t you just fuck me senseless, you coward? _Answer me!_ ’ 

Something snapped. David gasped as he felt the crush of Kaz’s lips against his own as a surge of force from beneath him flipped David over and slammed him to the ground. David was stunned and silenced as he stared at the powerful figure towering above him and pinning him down. David’s pulse raced. He looked up at the older man, Kaz’s teeth bared and his lips animal. Behind his glasses, Kaz’s expression was impossible to read. He could not tell if it was fury or lust but ensnared between the arms of his master and drowning in his touch, David didn’t care. 

Freeing his arm from underneath Kaz’s grip, he tangled his hand in Kaz’s hair and pulled himself up for another kiss. He shut his eyes and exhaled deeply, drowning in pleasure as he devoured his master’s plentiful lips. He shuddered as he felt Kaz hook his arm under David’s and wrap it behind his neck, bringing the two men closer together.

Kaz scrunched his eyes in guilt, bracing himself for what he was about to do next. David let out a soft whimper, sticking out his tongue hungrily as Kaz pulled his lips away from David’s. Kaz peppered David’s jaw and cheek with a few soft, chaste kisses as he made his way to David’s ear. David sighed and sank his head into the strong arms of the older man, smiling in ecstasy.

‘Kaz,’ he whispered, intoxicated.

Kaz nuzzled the side of David’s face, furrowing his brow in remorse. David let out a small moan of pleasure as Kaz placed a final kiss on David’s temple, and whispered a soft, strained-

-‘ _I’m sorry, David._ ’ 

Before David could respond in confusion, he felt Kaz’s arms tighten around his neck. Kaz felt David struggle vainly against his grip and in the back of his mind thanked his luck that David was still young and untrained. Kaz knew from experience that in a few years’ time David would have no trouble overpowering him.

A final simper left David’s lips as his body slumped in Kaz’s arms. He looked at the young man before him: fragile and vulnerable yet among all of those doubts, full of so much promise. He ran a hand over David’s flushed cheek and brushed a stray hair out of his face. He knew that this would really hurt David, but insisted to himself that this was the only way to protect him. 

Adjusting his prosthetic leg, he picked up David’s lifeless body and carried him to the sofa, setting him down gently. Kaz figured that he would remained passed out for a good few hours. He cast a look over David. Kaz went to fetch a blanket for David and a bottle of whiskey, a book, and a pack of cigarettes for himself.  
Kaz placed the blanket delicately over David as he slept, bundled up on the sofa. He took a swig of his whiskey and sank into his armchair.

***

David woke to the feeling of harsh sunlight pounding on his eyelids. His ears rang as his eyes fluttered open. The light from the windows was hazy with a thin cloud of grey smoke that settled in the air. He inhaled and immediately let out a heavy cough.

He propped himself up on his elbows and squinted as the images before him focused into his vision. He could make out the outline of Master Miller, reclined in a chair, taking a deep drag of his cigarette. Fuck he thought to himself, as memories of the night before him replayed back in his mind. Fuck. He opened his mouth to speak, but instead found that his throat was dry and beyond grated. Instead, he coughed again.

‘Drink lots of water, kid,’ drawled Kaz from his chair. David turned to find a large glass of water had been set beside him. Kaz got up and walked towards the window, looking out. He did not turn to look at David. 

David clutched the blanket around him and, suddenly realising that he was topless, gasped and clambered to cover himself up.

‘There’s a shirt beside you. And a jacket too, you’ll need it,’ continued Kaz, reading David’s cues. David let out a small groan. He felt beyond sick.

‘Your taxi should be arriving soon. You can keep the t-shirt but I want the jacket back. It’s older than you.’ David put on the shirt and ruffled the mess of his hair. Old and battered leather, it was a little too narrow and long on David, but feeling the chill of the air outside, David was grateful. Kaz looked out the window and squinted.

‘Your cab’s here,’ he stated. ‘There’s enough money in the jacket pocket to cover the ride.’ David looked up at Kaz and gathered his things together, embarrassed, as he made his way to Kaz’s door.

‘Thank you, sir,’ said David. Kaz continued to look out of the window, puffing idly on his cigarette.

‘Don’t mention it.’ A silence.

‘Master Miller, I-‘

Kaz looked at David, his expression stern and undecipherable. David stopped speaking immediately. He looked at his mentor, reverential.

‘Don’t ever do that again, David. Not to me, not to anyone.’ David nodded and lowered his head in shame.

‘Do you understand?’ pressed Kaz.

‘Yes, sir.’

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Dammit, Dave, no means no! 
> 
> Hello all! Sorry for all the cursing and hope you enjoyed this chapter! I'm going to be super busy this next coming fortnight (and have v little access to wifi :'( ) so the next installment might be a little late. I'm so sorry!
> 
> Anyways, thanks so much for reading! Please feel free to let me know your thoughts in the comments below or say hello on tumblr. Your comments make my day and I appreciate each and every one of them. <3
> 
> http://cryingoverkaz.tumblr.com/


	5. Refrain Art by Sunflowerqueer

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Eeek!! Fan art of the last chapter by the fabulous sunflowerqueer, linked below.
> 
>  
> 
> <http://sunflowerqueer.tumblr.com/post/144128156779/this-has-been-in-my-drafts-for-a-while-but-here-is>  
> 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is the cutest thing I've ever seen, I want to smoosh David's little red cheeks.

[](http://s1377.photobucket.com/user/DrinkingPinkRabbits/media/dave%201_zpsthjaotsk.png.html)

 

[](http://s1377.photobucket.com/user/DrinkingPinkRabbits/media/dave%202_zpsi3u5yola.jpg.html)


	6. Closer

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> David goes on a date that does not end well after he bumps into a familiar face...

On fully sobering up, David was humiliated and ashamed of his behavior towards his mentor. Regardless of how strongly he felt, ultimately devotion and respect for the older man’s wishes meant that David would set about putting him out of mind. Besides, David had had unrequited crushes before, and he always moved on eventually. And, David told himself, this was all that this was: a crush. 

Hence, for the next few weeks after David’s visit to Kaz’s apartment, David decided that he would try his best to avoid Master Miller. And, David noted, to avoid alcohol. If he could just distance himself from the man that he had been fawning over for the best part of the year (and the vice that would loosen his tongue and actions), then maybe David would have a better chance at clearing his head. Maybe he could have a clean break. Craving both fervently, for David, this would be a difficult challenge.

***

David poured some water into her glass. She pursed her lips in thanks.

‘You know, David,’ she began, ‘my mother and all of my friends thought I was mad for even answering your call.’ David raised his eyes to meet hers and smiled sheepishly. ‘But I was so sure you were just making a mistake. And we all make mistakes. How could I not forgive a face like that?’

She smiled back at him, reaching a hand out to enclose over his. 

‘Thank you,’ he replied, ‘I was an idiot and I’m really grateful that you’re willing to give me a second chance.’ 

‘Well,’ she grinned, ‘you’re my idiot.’

The evening had been very pleasant. The restaurant, being one of the few passable places to drink in this small town, had been bustling over dinner. As the evening went on, however, the crowds died down to the people chatting at the bar and, like David and the girl, a few diners finishing off their desserts. She finished off her glass of wine.

‘Are you sure you don’t want some wine?’ she asked. ‘I feel terrible ordering this bottle and you’re not having a drop. I thought we were celebrating. I’ve been drinking too much of it for myself, I think I’m getting a flush!’ 

‘It’s alright,’ David responded, smiling politely. ‘I’ve stopped drinking these days.’

‘Wow, you really are a changed man!’ She raised her eyebrows in excitement. She laughed. David let out a half-hearted chuckle. He looked at her. She truly was a lovely person.  
Kind and good natured, there was a homeliness and warmth in her sweet disposition. Perhaps, thought David, this was the kind of person that he needed to make him feel like he could belong somewhere too. David did not feel that deep and desperate yearning that he felt for Master Miller for her, but maybe, thought David, this was what he needed. Longing for Master Miller was exhausting enough as it was; too consuming to lead to anything good. 

David’s train of thought was interrupted by a bursting or laughter from near the bar. David looked idly towards the source of the noise. A petite blonde woman was sat by the bar, her head bowed as she attempted to contain her laughter in her hands.

‘Villain!’ she exclaimed in what, to David, sounded like an exaggerated French accent. ‘You mustn’t make me snort like that, it is so undignified!’ She playfully slapped the man who she had accompanied over the head as she leaned back and giggled musically. ‘Oh now people are starting to look, we are too old for this now, Monsieur Miller.’

Miller? Thought David. He craned his neck over slightly to get a better look from behind his girlfriend’s head. Shit. David furrowed his eyebrows as, from afar, he confirmed his suspicions. Sat opposite from the woman, Kaz grinned sheepishly, shaking his head as he rode out his own laughter with the woman. He looked so different to the Master Miller that he was used to seeing. Relaxed and at ease with his company, his face softened behind his aviators. He leaned an elbow onto the bar, nursing a drink happily as he spoke fondly with the woman. He looked happy. David’s mouth curled into a frown.

‘Honey?’ said the girl before him. 

‘Hmm?’ replied David, his mind desperately trying to drown the pangs of rejection and jealousy that were bubbling up as he tried to look past his girlfriend at the man that he was trying to forget.

‘Is something wrong?’

David shook his head and plastered an unconvincing look of composure onto his face.

‘You know what,’ he said. ‘I think I will have a drink. Do you want another glass too?’ She nodded. David filled their glasses with wine and gulped his drink down hastily.

‘Wow, I take it you’ve missed your alcohol then,’ she remarked, eyes widening at the pace of David’s drinking.

‘Apparently so,’ said David through gritted teeth. He was trying desperately to repress the urge to pout, hurt by the entirely reasonable idea that Kaz could be seeing somebody  
else. He reached to poured himself another glass, only to find that the bottle was empty. He huffed.

‘You know, what?’ he continued, pushing himself up from his seat. ‘I think I’ll get myself a drink from the bar. Besides, you’re right, I should be celebrating tonight you properly.’

‘Ok,’ she responded, taken aback but deciding to give David the benefit of the doubt. 

David walked off, trying his hardest not to stomp. He knew that this was ridiculous. He had no reason to be jealous, and no reason to feel hurt. Kaz was free to see anyone that he liked. But the jealousy itself, however, David could and would get over, out of respect for his master’s wishes. The real pain came from the final proof that, despite the connection that David swore that he felt, he just wasn’t wanted by Kaz. He ordered a dram of whiskey.

Waiting for his drink, David hazarded a glance over to Kaz and the woman. Kaz leaned his chin leisurely on his palm, listening intently to the woman. Looking at her watch, she jumped slightly, realising the time. She reached into her bag for her purse, but Kaz appeared to insist on paying. Picking up his cane, he offered to walk her out, but she pointed at Kaz’s half-filled glass and waved off his offer, insisting that he finish his drink in peace. He stood up and they hugged. He smiled as she walked towards the door, waving as she went.

Relaxed and in an informal setting, David thought that Master Miller looked beautiful. The default, comfortable smile that settled on his lips as he ran a finger over his glass, the way his raincoat sat perfectly over his broad shoulders. Reserved, alone and content. David had fantasised for hours on end about that smile, wishing desperately that he could be the one to make him happy. David sighed. 

He really tried to put this behind him. He really, really tried.

Paying for his whiskey he looked over at his girlfriend and realised what he had to do. 

‘Honey,’ he began, sitting down opposite her. She looked up at him and smiled sweetly. Seeing his expression, her smile dropped to a look of confusion. David sighed and lowered his gaze, unable to make eye contact with the girl whose emotions he had been toying with.

‘I’m really sorry,’ he continued, ‘but I- I don’t think I can do this.’

She lowered her eyebrows and looked at him in disbelief.

‘David, what- what do you mean?’ she stuttered. She clutched her glass of wine. 

‘Look, I think you’re a lovely girl, and you really don’t deserve this, I’m so sorry.’

Her hands began to shake. David shrank under her gaze as tears started to emerge in her eyes. He really didn’t mean to hurt her. He looked up at her, figuring that she deserved, at the very least, some eye contact. He opened his mouth to speak when-

_-Slap!_ The restaurant halted to a silence as the sound of the blow rang through the room. David’s mouth hung open momentarily in shock as the sting of her slap settled on his cheek. Fury in her eyes, without hesitation she picked up her wine glass and threw her wine over his face, followed by the glass itself. The force of the blow was surprisingly intense. Shards of glass shattered over his cheek. David did not flinch or even attempt to avoid it, figuring that he probably deserved this.

‘You bastard!’ she cried, before storming out resolutely. 

***

Smack. Splash. Crash. 

‘You bastard!’

Kaz set down his glass and, out of mild curiosity, turned to see what the source of the commotion was. A woman, probably in her early twenties, was gathering her things and marched past him towards the door, tears streaming down her rosy cheeks. Poor girl, thought Kaz to himself. The restaurant quickly settled into a low hum of conversation as the distraction subsided. He shifted his attention to whoever it was that she had just attacked. Kaz squinted. His eyesight was poor at the best of times, and declining at a steady pace, but Kaz was certain that he’d recognise that face anywhere.

Compelled by instinct, Kaz quickly set down his payment for his drink and, picking up his cane and large umbrella, made his way over to the younger man. He leaned down and placed a gentle arm on David’s shoulder as David, unawares, pressed his face into his napkin.

David jumped at the contact, turning suddenly to see Master Miller staring at him.

‘David?’ Kaz asked softly. ‘Are you OK?’ His face was kind and graceful with genuine concern. David stared at his master blankly. Shit.

‘May I?’ he continued, raising his hand. David nodded wordlessly. He placed a tender hand on David’s chin, turning his head. David watched Kaz furrow his brows as he surveyed the damage to David’s face. His cheek was smarting red from the force of her blow, and his bottom lip was bleeding along with a few more lacerations along his cheek and jaw from the glass.

David smiled self-consciously. 

‘Good evening, Master Miller,’ he said, half-heartedly trying to salvage a sense of normality to the night. ‘Fancy seeing you here.’ Kaz rewarded him with a short chuckle and an understanding smile, disarmed by David’s relentless charm.

‘Good evening, David,’ he replied. ‘Looks like your friend did some damage. Glasses don’t usually smash with such force. Are you alright?’

‘I’ll be fine, sir.’ David shot him a pained grin. ‘I think I’ll just need to get rid of the blood and look out for any shards. If I can sneak back to camp without being spotted I think I’ll manage.’ Kaz shut his eyes and shook his head, smiling to himself.

‘Well, if we’re going to be technical,’ responded Kaz, ‘you have just been spotted by a member of staff. Luckily for you, I’ll keep this from Big Boss.’  
David let out a short laugh. ‘I’ll be forever in your debt, Master.’

‘Now, David,’ continued Kaz, ‘I know for a fact that there’s no way you’re going to manage sneaking back into camp when you’re bleeding and covered in alcohol. Despite what you younger recruits think, security knows exactly when and how people sneak out, they just usually turn a blind eye unless they see something suspicious. I know because I’m the one who lets them get away with it.’ 

David let out a low groan and placed his head on the table, resting his forehead on his arms, too emotionally exhausted to deal with any disciplinary measures that Foxhound would take. Kaz felt a pang of warm, affectionate pity for the boy. He knelt down beside him and, speaking in a low, playful tone said-

‘I also know for a fact you don’t know how to deal with glass wounds properly, because I’m due to teach you that next month in survival class.’  
David, who had given up on reclaiming any of his dignity in front of Master Miller, turned his head to the side to peek at the man beside him. 

‘They taught us that in Green Berets.’

‘I mean how to do it properly.’

David pouted as he felt the linen tablecloth nestle against his cheek. He raised an eyebrow, inviting Kaz to continue talking.

‘Camp is at least an hour’s walk away, even for somebody as fast as you. I don’t live far from here at all. Why don’t you come back with me? Let me help you out.’  
David lowered his eyebrows in hesitation.

‘Come on,’ baited Kaz. ‘It shouldn’t take long and there’s probably not much that needs to be done, but just to be sure. Will you come with me?’  
David raised his gaze to meet his Master’s. He could not for the life of him fathom why Master Miller was being so kind to him, but he was infinitely grateful for the compassion in his master’s voice.

‘I won’t be a burden to you, master?’

‘You won’t.’

David nodded, accepting Kaz’s offer. He raised his head from the table and put on his jacket as Kaz pulled out a small wad of cash and placed it on the table discretely while David looked away. 

‘This should cover the cost of the meal, the glass and the tablecloth,’ he said lowly to a nearby waiter who had spotted them getting ready to leave. The waiter nodded in response.  
Kaz turned to David.

‘You ready?’

‘Yes, sir,’ he responded, ‘just need to settle the bill.’

‘Don’t worry, David,’ replied Kaz, ‘it’s been sorted.’

‘Sir?’

‘Now let’s get going.’

They walked to the door of the restaurant, a cold pang of air sweeping across the men as David opened the door for his mentor. Heavy rain battered the pavements outside. Kaz  
opened up his umbrella.

‘Come on, David, there’s enough space.’

***

The walk back to Kaz’s apartment was surprisingly pleasant, notwithstanding the rain and the cuts to David’s face. Focused more on getting to the warmth of the indoors, conversation between the men was scarce, but not at the expense of a comfortable atmosphere. Rather, for David, walking silently through the rain in the company of his mentor felt oddly natural. He hazarded a glance at the older man who also seemed at ease. David smiled.

‘Here we are,’ muttered Kaz, mist coiling from his breath. ‘Could you hold this?’

David took the umbrella as Kaz fumbled with his keys and opened the door. He took the umbrella back from David and gestured for David to go ahead. Shaking off the water from  
his umbrella, he closed to front door and led David up the stairs. David lowered his eyes respectfully, trying to avoid checking out his master’s ass.

‘Do you remember any of what my apartment looks like?’ asked Kaz, jokingly. David blushed from behind him.

‘I can’t say I do, sir,’ he replied. ‘As you may have noticed, I was not in a good state.’ Kaz chuckled affirmatively. At least, David thought, Kaz could joke about it. Kaz opened the door to his apartment and invited David in.

‘Take a seat, David,’ began Kaz as he took off his coat and hung it by the door. ‘I’ll see if I can find my med kit.’

David walked into Kaz’s living room and sat down in a welcoming armchair. He turned his head to survey his surroundings.

Light and clean, Kaz’s apartment was a perfect middle between being minimally designed, but amply lived in. Everything was exceedingly neat, save for the odd few things that Kaz had presumably just been using. Bookshelves with immaculately ordered books, save for the book spread out, cover upwards on the coffee table that Kaz had just been reading; cups and glasses stacked away in shelves, save for a tumbler drained of its whiskey sat idly beside an ash tray with the dying remains of a cigarette; a single album cover, empty and opened up beside a record player, duly switched off. He squinted to see if he could make out the title of the record when the sound of soft footsteps interrupted his thoughts.

Kaz switched on a small lamp beside David and knelt down in front of him. Warm yellow light pooled by his side.

‘How’re you doing, David?’ Kaz enquired. David let out a boyish grin.

‘I’ve had better days, but I’ve had worse injuries.’ Kaz gave a short laugh.

‘Alright, can I have a look?’ continued Kaz. David nodded and wordlessly turned his head to allow Kaz a better view of his gashes.

The men settled to another comfortable silence, Kaz bringing his gloved hand gently to David’s chin to turn his face slowly. David winced as Kaz swabbed an antibacterial wipe over his cheeks. Kaz raised his eyebrows and bit his lip instinctively.

‘Sorry, should have warned you it’d sting,’ muttered Kaz, concentrating on looking for any small shards of glass.

‘No, no, it’s all right,’ blurted David, ‘I just wasn’t thinking.’

‘Ok, I think there are a few shards I’m going to need to dig out. Do you mind if I?’ Again David nodded.

‘This might hurt a little more, but I promise it’ll be over quickly.’ Deftly handling a pair of tweezers, that Kaz had just held over a flame to sterilize, Kaz leaned in closer to David and began his work.

David immediately hitched his breath at the contact, impulsively grabbing onto Kaz’s arm, gripping at his sleeve and the flesh beneath in shock. 

‘Hey, it’s alright, David,’ cooed Kaz idly, focusing on his task at hand.

‘Oh shit, sorry, sir,’ responded David. 

‘No, it’s OK.’ Kaz removed a shard. ‘You can keep your hand there if you’d like. I’m not fussed.’

‘I’m so sorry, I’ve been on missions before, I’ve had field injuries, it doesn’t make sense, I-‘

‘It’s alright, David. You’ve just been glassed in the face at a very close range, that’s not something that happens often,’ cut in Kaz. ‘Now hold still, I’m almost done.’  
David let out a breath and his hand softly clung to his mentor’s sleeve, relaxed under his master’s touch. Another silence settled between the men as Kaz finished looking after David’s cuts. He ran a soft ball of cotton wool over David’s face, stinging coolly as Kaz cleared away the last of the blood on his face.

‘There,’ concluded Kaz. David smiled faintly at his mentor, slightly embarrassed at needing to be looked after.

‘Thank you, sir.’ Kaz smiled in return.

‘You’re welcome, David.’ His voice was kind and sincere. David’s eyes scanned the faint curve of Kaz’s lips. He rested his gaze on his master’s benevolent mouth.

Kaz let out a small cough.

‘You can let go of my arm now, David,’ he joked awkwardly. David jumped up and immediately let go of Kaz, mortified. Kaz chuckled and stood up, walking towards a large cabinet and picking up a glass bottle.

‘You drink whiskey, right?’ called Kaz from his kitchen.

‘Umm…it’s OK, I don’t want to burden you any more than I have, sir,’ replied David sheepishly. Kaz re-entered the living room.

‘Nonsense, have a drink with me. I won’t tell,’ jested his mentor, relaxed in an attempt to make David feel more at ease. David shrugged.

‘Alright then, if you’re offering.’

Kaz poured a drink for David and handed it to him. Kaz moved to the sofa opposite him and reclined back on it, placing his feet on the arm of the sofa and laying his head back on the cushions. David looked over to the older man, his eyes fixing on Kaz’s graceful neck, stretched out beautiful as Kaz lounged comfortably on his sofa. Kaz took a sip of his whiskey.

For a while, they fell into a natural rhythm of conversation and silences, talking and drinking relaxed and contented in each other’s company.

‘It’s been a while since I’ve seen you properly, David,’ he said, idly. ‘How have you been?’

David paused before answering, trying to craft up an answer in his head that would come of well on David. He sighed, realizing that he had neither the energy nor the desire to be anything but honest.

‘Honestly?’ he replied. ‘I’ve been better.’

‘After tonight’s display I kind of figured. Was that your girlfriend?’

‘Was,’ continued David. ‘I somehow doubt she’ll be wanting to see me again. But, fair play to her, I was an ass. But I couldn’t string her along, it wasn’t fair on her.’  
Kaz hummed in agreement, listening intently to David’s words.

‘Don’t dwell on it too much, kid,’ said Kaz from the sofa. ‘You’re going to hurt some people in your lifetime. It’s not nice, but that’s just what comes with human relationships. It’s that or just being alone. You did the right thing.’

David took a sip of his whiskey.

‘How about that woman at the bar?’ hazarded David. ‘A partner of yours? She was very beautiful.’ Kaz chuckled heartily into his drink.

‘Haha, no, she’s a dear friend of mine,’ laughed Kaz. ‘We worked together way back in the seventies. One of the few people I still have contact with from back then.’

‘The seventies?’ parroted David, in mild disbelief. ‘You can’t have been much older than, what, nineteen, twent-‘

‘Watch it,’ warned Kaz jokingly. ‘Don’t let my youthful looks disturb you, I’m an old, tired and bitter man.’ Kaz took another swig of whiskey, clearly enjoying poking fun at  
himself. David scoffed into his drink.

‘Could have fooled me,’ he blurted sarcastically and more flirtatiously than he’d intended. David mentally cursed himself. He darted a look over to his master, who did not seem concerned by his behaviour, and sighed in relief.

‘Brat,’ he retorted. A pause.

‘On another note my CQC is getting very sloppy,’ David added, half-jokingly. Kaz let out a small smile and turned his cheek to look at David from the sofa.

‘Hah, is that so?’

‘What can I say, Master,’ grinned David, ‘I need my extra training.’ 

‘The other trainers not pushing you hard enough?’ Kaz asked.

‘Not nearly,’ replied David. ‘It’s not the same without you.’ Kaz blushed at the compliment. ‘I don’t think it will ever be the same without you.’

A pause as Kaz thought of what to say in response.

‘Thanks,’ said Kaz earnestly. ‘I’ve missed you too, kiddo.’ Another silence.

‘Master?’ asked David, breaking the quiet. ‘Why are you being so kind to me?’ Kaz took a long drink as he pondered his answer.

‘I,’ he began honestly. ‘I don’t know.’ A pause.

‘I really appreciate it.’ David’s voice was quiet but open and sincere. Perhaps it was the alcohol, or the stress of the evening, but David felt himself abandon any pretenses of being strong.

‘Master,’ he continued. ‘I’m- I’m sorry for how I behaved the last time we were together. And for the time before that too. I can’t apologise enough.’

‘It’s alright, David.’ Kaz’s voice was hesitant, at first, but hearing the sincerity in David’s voice, he felt his barriers fold over. ‘Let’s just put that behind us and move on.’ Kaz reached into his pocket and pulled out a pack of cigarettes and a lighter. 

‘Cigarette?’

David accepted, despite not having smoked before. Kaz sat upright and leaned over the coffee table, lighting David’s cigarette before lighting his own and returning to the sofa.

‘See, the thing is,’ stuttered David, holding the cigarette by his side. ‘I tried so hard to just…’

His voice trailed off as he caught sight of the man before him. The amber glow of the lamp settled carefully on the older man’s body as he lay reclined and unwound on the sofa. David traced the lines of his sharp silhouette, lingering with desire over the contours of his master’s stretched out neck. Faded shades of orange and yellow caressed his Adam’s apple, protruding proudly as the older man draped his head over the edge of the arm of the sofa. His hair nestled softly beneath his shoulder as his master exhaled.

‘Tried hard to what?’ queried Kaz, listening attentively David’s musings. David took a breath to continue, but after a short moment, held his tongue.

‘Doesn’t matter,’ he mumbled, resigned. Seeing his cigarette start to burn away, David took a deep drag of smoke, coughing immediately.

‘You’ve not smoked before, have you?’ asked Kaz from the sofa.

David spluttered, ‘well, you caught me there.’ He heaved as each breath of smoke jarred in his lungs. His face blushed uncontrollably. 

‘Come here,’ replied his master, once David had caught his breath. ‘Let me teach you.’ David rose from his seat and walked over to the sofa where Kaz lay. Kaz watched David idly as he approached. David knelt down before the older man. Kaz turned his head and stared directly into the pools of David’s eyes.

‘Would you like me to teach you?’

David felt his chest constrict. Gulping, he nodded silently. His pulse raced. Kaz tapped his hip and shuffled towards the edge of the sofa to make room for David.

‘Come here,’ Kaz repeated. In a daze, David followed his command, placing his knee in the space between his master and the sofa, all but straddling the older man. David placed his hands on either side of Kaz and leaned in at an agonizingly slow pace. His body drew nearer to Kaz’s, the bounds of his frozen restraint melting away in the heat of the moment.

‘Close your eyes and try to relax.’

David watched Kaz take a long, deep drag of his cigarette and move in closer, raising his head so that their lips all but touched. He looked down at the vision before him and his eyes flickered shut. He felt the warmth of Kaz’s lips ghost his lips. Kaz exhaled and David’s mouth tingled as the smoke from his master coiled on his skin. David breathed in.  
David wanted to be the cigarette between those generous lips. Unfurl his body in depths of his lungs and unravel every single tension in his tired, weary bones. He wanted to burn on the tip of his master’s tongue and dissolve in those dream heavy sighs. Exhaling and bleeding him dry until he could fall, without grace, in his dying embers. 

David never stood a chance.

He opened his eyes and the men closed their distance in a long, smooth, ashen kiss.

David arched his body lower onto his master as Kaz ran a strong hand through David’s soft brown locks, wrapping his arm around the back of his neck and pulling himself towards the younger man hungrily. Twining their legs together, they moved in harmony, the flow of their touches electric as David sank into his master’s arms. 

Quickening their pace, David pressed his hands into the older man, mapping fervently every crease in the fabric of his clothes and every curve of his flesh beneath. Devoured in the younger man’s touch, Kaz let his hands roam over his protégé without refrain. Within seconds both men were tugging at each other’s clothes, their bodies smoldering with desire.  
David pushed further into the kiss when suddenly Kaz broke away from the kiss, freeing his lips. He rested his forehead on David’s and, holding the back of his neck with a tender hand, looked directly into the younger man’s eyes. David held his breath in anxious anticipation. Kaz brought a finger to David’s eager lips.

‘Not a word to anyone about this.’

David rolled his eyes, smiling in relief as he hastily resumed his groping, biting Kaz's finger before latching his lips onto his master’s neck. Kaz tangled his hands in David’s hair and pulled him back.

‘And what I said that night. I meant it. I don’t want you getting hurt,' continued Kaz firmly. 'No feelings, just sex. Deal?’

David pounced on his mentor once more, pressing his lips enthusiastically into the crook of his neck.

‘Deal.’

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Lol, as if that's going to work...
> 
> Sorry this took so long/is so long/is also a bit weird. *shrugs* I honestly didn't mean for it to be so long. Oops. Anyways:
> 
> http://i.imgur.com/QqFbn4i.png
> 
> Thanks so much for reading. Feel free to let me know your thoughts in the comments below, or say hello on tumblr. I always *love* hearing from you guys.
> 
> www.cryingoverkaz.tumblr.com


	7. Bedsheets

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> This is just porn.

_Deal._

The two men wasted no time in resuming their kiss with a reinvigorated fervor. Both relished the sensation of their shared touches. Pulling at his master’s belt, David’s pulse raced. He felt his shirt bunch up in the older man’s hand as his expert fingers burrowed into the skin beneath. Finally finally finally, David’s fantasies were coming together before him as he came undone under the fingers that traced the lines of his hip bones.

David began to grind his hips against the older man’s crotch, feeling the increasing hardness push back on him from beneath. Breaking their kiss David bit firmly into Kaz’s bottom lip, cutting into his skin and sucking hard at the blood that he drew. He rested his forehead on his master’s, tugging his lip as he stared directly into the eyes that he’d been dreaming about for so long. In the dim light of Kaz’s living room, he could only make out the faint outlines of pale irises that bore straight into him with a look of deep desire. David half considered asking his master if he could remove the iconic glasses, but felt oddly compelled by the idea of being fucked senseless by his master stark naked but for his aviators. A firm slap on David’s ass interrupted David’s musings as Kaz pulled away from the kiss.

‘Come on, let’s go.’ He squeezed David’s butt roughly as he propped himself up from the sofa.

David’s eyes latched onto his master’s thighs as Kaz slinked off from the sofa and, taking the younger man’s hand, led him up the stairs to the bedroom. David followed, heavy lips hanging open in laden anticipation. Even as they rushed, David felt the weight of his desire tug at his body as he fought back the urge to just pounce on his master and fuck him then and there on the stairs.

Patience rewarded him as, the second they entered the bedroom, the older man slammed David into the door as it shut. Pinning him by the wrists, Kaz planted another deep, ravenous kiss onto David’s eager lips. David held back a soft whine in his throat as he felt his master’s hands trail over his biceps and onto his chest, wrenching at the fabric of David’s shirt. Now that his hands were released, David hastily began work on undoing Kaz’s belt, immediately sliding his fingers into his master’s trousers and rewarding his hands with a rough squeeze of Kaz’s tight ass through his underwear. Their bodies pressed closer as they twined together.

After a moment, Kaz pulled off David’s t shirt, tossing it aside before grabbing the younger man and hurling him onto the bed. Immediately David found himself beneath his master, undoing Kaz’s shirt buttons clumsily before gliding his hands over the older man’s strong shoulders and pulling off his shirt. Sucking roughly on David’s lip, Kaz made quick work of David’s trousers and boxers, wrenching both off in one swift movement. David followed suit and soon his master was completely naked apart from his glasses. David’s eyes widened at the sight and his hands began to freeze and stutter, overwhelmed by the myriad of things he wanted to do. He held his breath.

Noticing this, Kaz grinned, burying his face in the crook of David’s neck. He traced his tongue over the younger man’s collarbone, over his neck, and along his sharp jawline and  
chuckled softly into David’s ear. He draped his arm over David’s chest, massaging a playful finger over his nipple.

‘You alright there, kiddo?’ he asked teasingly as he felt David’s muscles contract beneath his touch. David nodded wordlessly, shutting his eyes as he sighed.

‘Good,’ he purred, lustily, his hot breath rolling over David’s sensitive skin as he nipped at David’s ear. ‘How do you want me, baby?’ Kaz slid his hand further down David’s body and wrapped his hand around David’s penis, jerking him off leisurely. David gasped and arched his body in response.

‘Holy fuck,’ he moaned, losing himself in the older man’s touch. 

‘Mhmm?’ responded the older man, his voice low and laden. ‘Do you like that?’ David began to pant. ‘Tell me what I can do for you, David. Be a good boy and tell your master exactly what you want.’

David’s eyes shot open on hearing the older man’s lusty voice, unable to comprehend fully the concept of the great Hellmaster Miller, completely naked and offering his entire body to David, all for his enjoyment. Taking a deep breath, David pooled all of his focus into regaining control of his body. With a sudden surge of predatory lust, David turned to his master, pouncing on him. 

Pressing his forehead onto Kaz’s, David’s eyelashes fluttered as he flirtatiously ran an eye over the man beneath him.

‘Hmmmm,’ began David, purring indecisively. He feathered his fingers over his master’s torso coquettishly, teasing at his nipple. ‘I want you to fuck my brains out. Again, and again, and again, and again. All night, until I can’t feel my legs.’ He watched as the older man bit his lip, his breath hitching in a spike of arousal as his usual composure and control stuttered.

‘Can you do that for me, master?’ David whined, drawing a nail down Kaz’s abs.

Kaz’s mouth widened into a lusty side smile as, wordlessly, he rolled David over onto his back. Climbing over the younger man, he reached into a drawer in his bedside table and produced a jar of lube, some tissues and a box of condoms, placing them firmly on the table.

‘That should be enough?’ he joked in response, tearing off a condom and handing it to David. David took the condom, bringing the packet to his mouth and ripping it open with his teeth. He locked eyes with his master as he shuffled lower. With a glint of mischief in his sapphire eyes, he drew his tongue along the length of Kaz’s dick before wrapping his crimson lips over the head. The older man hissed in response and David smiled as he teased. Pushing the condom out of the packet with his fingers, he placed it on the tip of Kaz’s penis, enveloping his head with his lips once more and rolling the condom over his master. Kaz’s hips bucked instinctively and he felt himself hit the back of David’s throat, causing him to choke momentarily.

‘Fuck, sorry,’ Kaz stammered, fighting back a long moan as David sucked on his dick below. Pausing, his mouth occupied, David looked straight up at his master. With unwavering eye contact, he took more and more of Kaz’s length in until Kaz’s head was pressed firmly into his throat. He swallowed. David was rewarded with a long, hissed string of Japanese expletives and a rough tug of his hair. David removed himself from Kaz and repositioned himself underneath his master, taking the older man’s hand and placing it onto the curve of his ass. Kaz gave it a forceful squeeze.

‘Are you ready?’ asked Kaz, unscrewing the lid from the jar of lube. David sank a quick, affirmative bite into Kaz’s shoulder. Kaz growled.  
‘I’ll get you for that.’ Kaz dipped his long, elegant fingers into the thick, smooth liquid and began to massage the entrance of David’s anus. David’s muscles tensed underneath the older man. 

‘Don’t be such a fucking tease,’ he snarled, pushing his ass back against Kaz’s fingers.

‘Patience, baby,’ Kaz cooed, nuzzling into David’s abs as he lowered himself. He placed a chaste kiss onto David’s throbbing dick as he slid a finger into David. David tried and failed to hold back a soft whine in his throat. He scrunched his eyes shut and focused on the sensation of his master’s talented lips enveloped around him and the skilled fingers stretching and preparing him. His thigh muscles tightened and pushed against Kaz’s shoulders as the older man sucked on his dick. David felt a sudden loss of warmth as Kaz removed David from his mouth and focused on fingering the younger man more intensely, growing impatient to finally fuck his protégé. David cried out as he felt Kaz’s fingers teasingly stroke his prostate.

‘Fuck, Master,’ David panted, ‘I need you inside me right now or I’m gonna cum way too soon.’ Feeling the younger man loosen up adequately, Kaz removed his fingers and swiftly flipped David onto his front. David was met with a sticky slap on his ass as Kaz sat up to lube himself up and wipe off his fingers.

‘On your knees, kiddo,’ he commanded, his voice low and thick with anticipation. David complied, eagerly propping himself up on his knees and spreading his torso over the sheets. He hitched his breath as the warmth of his master’s metal fingers dug into his hip, massaging small circles into his skin. Slowly and cautiously, Kaz buried himself inside the younger man, wary of hurting David. Both men let out a long drawn sigh, relishing their new intimacy.

‘Fuck, David,’ breathed out Kaz, his voice jagged with tension, ‘are you OK?’ David moaned affirmatively into his pillow, bucking his hips impatiently against his master, desperate for some friction. In response, Kaz began to thrust rhythmically into the younger man, hissing in pleasure as he felt David coil tightly around him. David splayed his fingers over the bedsheets and gripped onto them desperately as his master sped up the pace.

Powerful, strong hips rolled and snapped, grinding David into the bed beneath him with vigour and force as the bed creaked below them. David’s mouth hung open, drooling into the sheets below. The volume of his cries increased with every commanding thrust. Kaz’s prosthetic arm clung onto David’s hip, stablising himself as he pounded in to David mercilessly. The older man fixed his eyes on David’s beautifully sculpted back muscles, tensing and tightening with each of the younger man’s frantic moans.

‘You have no idea how much I’ve wanted to just fuck you senseless,’ panted Kaz, planting a hard slap on David’s round ass. David tried, and failed, to formulate a response, instead only managing to garble more moans into the pillow. Kaz pushed his hand along David’s hardened back muscles and wound his fingers in David’s sweaty, matted hair, tugging at it harshly and pulling David’s head up so that he could glance at his face. Flushed and perfectly undone, David was entirely swept up in pleasure. His eyes were half lidded and rolling back as his full, plump mouth hung open, panting feverishly. Small beads of sweat formed around his brows. Kaz spanked him again and was rewarded with another moan.

‘Fuck, Master,’ he gasped, ‘Master- I’ He yelped at an especially deep thrust. ‘ _Fuck!_ ’ Kaz grinned to himself devilishly, relishing the control he had over the mess that David had become.

‘Hmmm what was that, David?’ he teased, snapping another hard thrust into David.

‘Ahh!’ cried David. ‘I need you to,’ he stuttered, ‘I’m gonna-‘. He let out a long moan as his master ploughed him relentlessly. ‘I’m gonna cum, I’m so fucking close!’ Immediately Kaz slowed the pace of his thrusting. David whined and shuddered as he felt his master drawing his dick out at an agonizingly slow pace.

‘You cock teasing bastard,’ snarled David as his master chuckled mercilessly from above him. A slow, deep thrust into the younger man, met with another yelp.

‘Baby, baby,’ purred Kaz. ‘There’s no rush. We’ve got all night.’ David grunted as Kaz removed himself. ‘And you’re going to cum when I tell you to cum.’ His voice was commanding and authoritative, but silky and abundantly sexual. David’s chest heaved in desire. He watched as Kaz lay on his back. Kaz drew his hand over his hip bones and splayed his fingers over his inside thigh invitingly. David’s eyes widened, following the older man’s hand.

‘Come here,’ said Kaz seductively. ‘Come take your master for a ride.’ Kaz did not have to ask twice. Eager and obedient, David wasted no time in climbing on top of his master and plastering another rough kiss onto Kaz’s lip.

He arched his back, rubbing his ass coyly over the head of the older man’s dick. David was rewarded with a long moan as the older man threw his head back into the pillow, his ponytail messy and his spread-out by his side. David slid down onto his master with ease, shivering at the sensation of being filled up from this new position. He leaned forward towards his master and propped himself up on his hands. Gripping the sheets around his master, David began to ride the older man. 

Kaz placed his hands firmly onto David’s hips, guiding the younger man as he rose and fell on his dick. He watched David’s head roll and drop back in pleasure as Kaz thrust in time with David’s movements, brushing against his prostate with expert precision. His dark hair curled and clung to his forehead in sweat, framing his sweet, youthful face perfectly. Drawn in by his beauty, Kaz propped himself up and drove a deep, passionate kiss onto David’s lips. David responded fervently, biting and sucking on his master’s lip with so much force that he opened the cuts on both his and the older man’s lips. As they kissed their mouths were filled with the sharp, metallic taste of blood.

‘God you’re so beautiful,’ sighed Kaz in a lust driven haze. ‘You’re going to get me in so much trouble.’

Speeding up the pace of his riding, Kaz flopped onto his back and responded with equally enthusiastic thrusts. David’s body bounced carelessly on his master as he began to lose composure and cry out loudly.

‘Fuck, Kaz, I’m gonna cum!’ he whinnied, throwing his head back as waves of pleasure washed over his body. ‘I’m gonna-‘

‘Cum for me, baby,’ encouraged the older man, thrusting deeper and harder into David to draw out his orgasm. ‘Cum for me,’ he panted.

David’s breathing grew shallower and his cries more desperate as his orgasm welled up inside him and burst. He came with a deep shudder, jerking himself and spurting himself all over the man beneath him without refrain. He grunted and moaned as he drew out every last ribbon of semen, desperate to ride out the entirety of his orgasm.

Kaz continued his thrusting, his hips jerking erratically as his orgasm followed suit. Kaz growled, deep and animal and slumped as he came down from his high. David ran an eye over his master below him. Naked and undone, his body glowed as streaks of David’s semen lined his chest, his neck and his face.

In the euphoric post orgasm haze, David took in the sight in front of him, his mind banking away the sight of his master’s face dappled with his semen. Pale white shimmering on his generous lips as a line of crimson blood curved by its side.

Snapping out of his bliss, David began to panic.

‘Fuck, master, I’m so sorry, I-‘

David was interrupted by the sexiest, most lust laden stare he had ever seen. Smiling shamelessly, his master ran his tongue along his lips, licking up the mess that David had made on his face. David crushed his mouth against Kaz’s, eagerly devouring the taste of his master’s velvet lips.

After a moment to catch their breaths, Kaz smiled and nuzzled his forehead against David’s.

‘So… round 2?’

David’s eyes widened.

***

David let out a long groan as he stretched out his tightly wound up body. The men had spent the entire night having wild, athletic sex and whilst David reveled in his sexual satiety, his body had been left exhausted. 

Still hazy and half asleep, David’s eyes flickered, taking in the soft morning light as he buried his face in his master’s bedsheets. He let out a drawn out yawn and shut his eyes, turning over to face at his master, wanting to feel the warmth of his master’s skin. 

‘Mhmm master,’ he began as he slid his hand over to an empty space in the bed beside him. He opened his eyes and furrowed his brows in confusion. Seeing that Kaz was not with him in bed, he darted upright and looked around the room. He was alone.

‘Master?’ 

David was met only with the sound of his own voice echoing in an empty apartment.

‘Kaz?’

David clambered out of the bed and, covering himself with Kaz’s shirt, he wandered around the apartment until he came across a small note set upon the kitchen counter.

‘ _David,_ ’ it began. The writing was neat and stylish, if hastily written.

‘ _Meet me tonight for training, 7.30 at the gym. Call me if you ever need me, number on the back._

 _K._ ’

David frowned to himself. Confused by the curt nature of the note- and his master’s notable absence- David tried to push down his sense of abandonment. 

And so David found himself half naked and fully spent, alone in his master’s apartment.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> FYI if you try putting a condom on someone with your mouth you'll probably break it with your teeth so... be careful if you do?
> 
> Sorry this took so long, I've had no wifi and also I find smut really hard (LOL) to write. Hope it's alright!
> 
> As always, thanks so much for reading! Please feel free to leave your thoughts in the comments below (I *love* hearing from you guys, it honestly keeps me going) or say hi on tumlbr at
> 
> cryingoverkaz.tumblr.com
> 
> Thanks!!


	8. Bedsheets Art by Kazuhiradarling

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So the amazingly talented Kazuhiradarling surprised me with this beautiful beautiful drawing on tumblr and oh my word if you haven't seen the rest of their art you really ought to because they've killed me and sent me to fanart heaven.
> 
> I had to make a cup of tea when I saw it to chill and even that didn't work, I have no chill for their art.
> 
> Thank you so much!!
> 
> Link to the original post:
> 
>  
> 
> <http://kazuhiradarling.tumblr.com/post/144005783688/you-have-no-idea-how-much-ive-wanted-to-just>  
> 

[](http://s1377.photobucket.com/user/DrinkingPinkRabbits/media/one%20art_zpsxkl3vidj.jpg.html)

_"You have no idea how much I’ve wanted to just fuck you senseless…"_


	9. Gone.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Another short vignette following Dave's thoughts following Master Miller's death. Exhausted by recent events, David needs to air out some thoughts.

David was surprised by how quickly he seemed to work through all of the belongings in Kaz’s house. There was something in the way that David worked that allowed his mind to just switch off and just continue. It felt as if it was David’s default state these days. Methodical and mechanical, he seemed to just exist. And function. And carry on and on and on and on.

Then again, on some days, David wondered if he preferred it that way. To keep going, the mindless drag —at least that way, he didn’t need to stop. Because when he stopped, he was met with silence, and it was the silence that he couldn’t handle.

Alone in his master’s house, caged away in the isolation, the world was quiet. Surrounded by relics of his lover, David felt an oppressive emptiness weigh upon his shoulders. He had been silent all day, save for odd, futile commands that he barked at the puppy who- despite David’s generally morose disposition- seemed intent on following him everywhere. Dim, tired eyes looked up at the urn of Kaz’s ashes, placed purposefully on the counter in front of him. He leaned his elbows onto the counter around the urn.

David felt oddly self-conscious about the attachment he felt towards a simple heap of ashes. Unable to leave it sitting in one set place, David carried it with him wherever he went, setting it down as he worked. The aviators were always duly placed beside the urn, as if they were there watch over him. David knew it was ridiculous. He was certain that if Kaz was there he’d almost certainly tease David about it too. But he just couldn’t bear the thought of being alone. He scoffed at himself. 

His mouth hung open as he pondered vocalizing his thoughts to the urn. His lips snapped shut as he shook his head, disappointed in his lack of stoicism. Only one day had gone past since his master’s funeral and already he was going mad.

‘Fuck it,’ he mumbled to himself. No matter how the urn made him feel, Kaz was gone, and he was alone. Nobody could see him ramble or suffer. He grabbed the urn and the glasses, placing them on the table and, after taking a bottle of scotch from the drinks cabinet sank into the armchair opposite, pouting slightly. The puppy followed.

‘Kaz,’ he began, his voice heavy with weariness. ‘I’m so pissed off right now.’ David lit a cigarette. 

‘You could fork out all this money for a fancy drinks cabinet, leave me a fucking trunk full of stuff, but you couldn’t find yourself a decent urn? I wish you were here to just see this, you’d be fucking horrified.’ He let out a short, caustic chuckle and shook his head. His gritted laugh turned quickly into a pained frown as David felt his chest tighten.

‘Or maybe you just stopped caring.’ He took a swig of his scotch.

‘Oh Kaz,’ he continued, tired. ‘Is this really it? Is this really all that’s left of the great ‘hellmaster’ Miller?’ He sighed as he puffed inelegantly on his cigarette.

‘Going through your things, Kaz, I just—‘ David stammered, unsure of how to phrase his thoughts. ‘It feels like I’m just…looking for you; just searching aimlessly.’ He sighed.

‘It feels like I’m trying to gather every little piece of you from every little thing that you left behind, but goddammit Kaz I can’t find you. You’re just not there.’ 

He took a long, deep gulp of his scotch, feeling the alcohol mingle with the smoke and burn into his throat.

‘You’re just not here.’ A silence. He sank into his chair.

‘God, that’s so fucking depressing,’ he spat. He leaned his head back onto the back of the chair, stretching out his neck. His body and his mind ached relentlessly. ‘You were so much more than this, Kaz. I’m so fucking disappointed.’ He took a deep drag of his cigarette. ‘Now you’re just a pile of ashes. In some shitty vase. You’re just…gone.’ Long streams of smoke coiled from David’s mouth as his head hung back.

‘You left me behind, Kaz. I don’t know if I’ll ever be able to forgive you for that.’

‘What am I supposed to do without you?’ He sighed. His voice cracked and his vision began to blur. 

_‘What am I going to do?’_

David poured himself another drink.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> "There shouldn't be this ring of silence,  
> But what, are the options?
> 
> _When someone great is gone?_ "
> 
>  
> 
> _\--'Someone Great', LCD Soundsystem_
> 
>  
> 
> *shrugs* This chapter made me sad :(
> 
> Hope this was alright! As always, please feel free to let me know your thoughts in the comments below or on tumblr. I'm always so happy to hear from you guys <3
> 
> Thanks so much for reading!
> 
> Say hello at
> 
> cryingoverkaz.tumblr.com


	10. The Kiss

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> David gets a strength and endurance test in the blindspot of the gym...
> 
> This does nothing whatsoever to move the plot forward, it's literally just more smut.

David was hunched over, his back curved in exhaustion as his leaned his hands onto his knees and heaved his lungs. He scrunched his eyes together, blinking as with each deep breath he felt his heart rate stammer back to a steady, stable beat. 

‘Good job, David.’ 

‘Thanks, Master,’ he replied, his voice silky between his breaths. Animated sapphire irises looked up at Master Miller, a smile beaming through David’s blushing cheeks. His deep brown curls clung to his damp forehead. He stood up straight and, stretching out his arms out self-assuredly, licked the sweat off his lips.

‘How’re you going to reward me, Master?’ His voice was lusty and direct.

Kaz let out a short laugh. He bit his lip and scanned a quick eye over the younger man.

‘You really think I’m going to let you off that easily?’ Kaz quipped, trying to hide the eagerness in his eyes as he watched the younger man meander towards him. David slinked a hand on his master’s hip, snaking his fingers over his belt, tugging at it gently. He pressed his body against Kaz’s and leaned in so that his lips ghosted the older man’s. Thick, dark eyelashes fluttered down to survey his master’s broad, inviting lips, before David glanced back up at Kaz. David pouted petulantly as he slipped his hand under his master’s tank top and dug his nails gently into the skin of Kaz’s abs.

‘But haven’t I been a _good boy_?’ David whined. He massaged small circles into the older man’s hip. Kaz’s lips curled into a playful grin. Kaz leaned in and placed a soft bite on David’s ear.

‘You’re doing so well and I’m very pleased with you, David,’ he cooed, gently patting the curve of David’s ass. The warmth of his breath coiled over the skin on David’s neck. David glowed with delight at his praise. 

‘But I want to push you _even harder_ , baby.’ David bit his lip and breathed in deeply, pure desire beginning to swell in his gut. ‘I know I can push you much, much harder. So one last exercise, baby. Can you do that for me?’ David nodded wordlessly, knowing that at this point he would do anything that Kaz asked of him. David slanted his head, reaching upwards, his lips curved and desperate for a kiss.

Kaz pulled away from their embrace, leaving David with open arms, reaching to close their distance.

‘Follow me,’ began Kaz. ‘I’ve got something I want to try with you.’ David tilted his head as his master led the way, eyes focusing on the curve of his back.

Kaz took David to a corner of the gym that David had become very well acquainted with- one of the many blind spots of the surveillance cameras. After spending the night with Kaz, the men resumed their personal training sessions. Incapable of keeping their hands off each other, the distinction between their professional physical training and their heated, feverish sex blurred blissfully. All too often, aim practice flowed into their bodies coupled together, hips grinding slowly as Kaz guided the younger man’s posture; sparring ended with bodies tangled together. Regardless of what they had intended to do together, one thing was certain: it would always, always lead frantic, urgent to sex.

Today, David hoped, would be no exception.

Kaz leaned back against the wall and glanced at David. He nodded, directing David’s gaze to a raised bar.

‘Pull ups?’ David asked. Kaz nodded. 

‘Going to test your strength and endurance.’ David raised his eyebrows.

‘Pfft, easy. I could do these in my sleep,’ boasted David, his youthful arrogance shining through.

‘Slow down there, kiddo,’ replied the older man knowingly. His voice was low and silky. ‘We’re going to make this interesting, if you’re up for it.’ David’s eyes lit up in anticipation.

‘Go on, Master...’

Kaz looked directly into David’s eyes and spoke in a matter of fact manner.

‘You’re going to hold yourself up on that bar and wrap those beautiful thighs of yours around my neck. I’m going to blow you to within an inch of your life. If you manage to stay upright, I’m going to give you the most intense orgasm you’ve ever had. If you fall, I’m going to walk away and leave you high and dry. How does that sound?’

David’s eye’s widened, the sound of Kaz’s proposition ringing in his ears. Unable to form a coherent response, David whipped off his trousers in an eager acquiescence. Kaz laughed and noted that he was already hard from the proposal alone.

David smirked at Kaz and shrugged.

‘Can’t help it, Master,’ he retorted. ‘It’s just what you do to me.’ Kaz couldn’t contain a broad smile. The boy was too adorable for his own good. 

David jumped up and gripped the bar. Fixing his eyes on his master, David bit down firmly onto his lip and began to pull himself up, rolling and thrusting his hips seductively as he rose up and down, his movements fluid and perfectly controlled. 

‘Come and get me, Master,’ the younger man purred. Master Miller took a deep breath, suppressing a low growl of desire. Kaz barely walked towards David before David hooked his legs around Kaz’s neck and pulled him in.

‘Whoa, easy there, kiddo,’ began Kaz, surprised by David’s impatience. He planted a soft kiss on the sensitive skin of David’s inner thigh. Relishing David’s gentle sighs, he sucked a deep red lovebite onto his skin. David squirmed out of instinct, losing some of his stability.

‘Ah ah ah,’ Kaz said, pausing his kiss. ‘Don’t fall on me now, baby, we’ve only just begun.’ David was about to respond when suddenly he felt Kaz’s plant his hands on David’s ass, propping him up. He ran his tongue slowly over the skin between David’s balls and his anus. David shivered softly at the contact.

‘Mhmm, Master,’ he mewed in pleasure. ‘You feel so fucki-ah!’

David was interrupted as Kaz latched his lips around David’s anus and began to suck on his skin hard. Kaz felt David’s ass cheeks tighten in his palms. He gave his ass a rough squeeze and was rewarded by a low groan from the boy above him. Kaz twisted his tongue into David’s ass, unlocking a deep kaleidoscope of pleasure in the younger man. His hips jerked erratically and he began to sway.

‘Ooh, Master,’ he panted after a few minutes of being eaten out, ‘I can’t keep—you’ve got to—I-‘. David let out a small sigh as he felt Kaz remove himself and reposition David so that his thighs were resting on Kaz’s shoulders. He looked up at David and smiled sweetly.

‘Managing alright so far, baby?’ David drooped his head down to look at his Master, his mouth hanging open in agonized pleasure. A thin layer of sweat was forming on his brow. Kaz nuzzled David’s agonizingly hard dick and peppered the shaft with innocent kisses. Kaz paused just before the head of David’s penis.

‘Don’t be such a fucking tease,’ David growled with surprising veracity. Deciding that he had tantalized the younger man for long enough, Kaz licked his lips before sliding his mouth over David’s dick.

‘Fuuuuucck,’ David sighed, scrunching his eyes shut and letting the sensations wash over him. His voice was heavy and breathy. ‘Fucking hell, fuuck.’ His white t shirt clung to the contours of his body as he felt every single muscle in his core tighten instinctively. His arms burned as he hung from the bar, half suspended in the air. Kaz hummed and David threw his head back, stretching his neck out in an enchanting curve. His pleasure accumulating with every slide of Kaz’s mouth over his head, David began to cry out with increasing volume and pitch.

‘Mhmm,’ he moaned in satisfaction. ‘mhmmm, aaaah!’ David gritted his teeth as, in response to David’s cries, Kaz slowed down to an agonizingly slow, teasing pace. David looked down at Kaz impatiently. David groaned, rolling his eyes and biting down hard on his lip. He didn’t stand a chance.

‘Keep going, Kaz,’ he whinnied, ‘I’m _so fucking hard_.’ Kaz smirked lustily at the younger man above him. 

David’s body arched and waved in the older man’s touch. His body began to shake uncontrollably as David made the mistake of looking down at his Master as he latched himself on David’s dick. A spike of arousal shot through David as he watched the older man close his eyes and focus on sucking him off. Velvet lips glided over David’s head and hardened shaft with expert pacing. Unable to take in all of David’s length without choking, Kaz focused on teasing the head of David’s dick, a compromise that David did not mind in the least. 

Suddenly Kaz deep throated the younger man, David’s dick stretching out his lips. David let out a sharp cry of pleasure, bucking his hips and, in a burst of sexual energy, thrusted himself into the older man with abandon. His body swung erratically and his head lolled backwards as David lost himself entirely in his lust.

‘Ah-aah-aah-ahh-ahhh!’ he panted recklessly, caring little for anything except the swelling orgasm that billowed in his gut. He felt his body come undone and his arms began to give way. Kaz felt David’s weight on his shoulders become more and more unstable as David wrapped his legs tightly around Kaz’s neck and crush his jaw with his thighs.

‘Kaz, Kaz,’ he gasped urgently, ‘I can’t- I- I’. David so desperately needed Kaz to finish him off, but his body couldn’t stand the relentless tension. Kaz removed David’s dick from his mouth. 

‘Ok baby, let go, I’ve got you,’ he replied, his voice low and heavy. David dropped his arms immediately, his body arching backwards in relief. Kaz kept an arm on David’s back, catching and supporting him before he fell. Kaz lay David down onto a gym matt. He wrapped his lips around David’s dick once more, sucking on him feverishly. Kaz’s fingers worked their way into David’s wet asshole and fingered him roughly and mercilessly.

David gripped the matt beneath him desperately as he let out a low, guttural scream in pleasure. Within seconds of the combined unyielding stimulation, David felt every single muscle in his body release. He burst into his Master’s mouth and felt as if he was ready to shatter into a thousand broken pieces. Kaz sucked him through his orgasm, drinking in every last drop of David’s release. His body shuddered and his lips hung open as he came down from his high. 

David tried, and failed, to formulate some sort of comment of thanks to his master. Instead, he just stared at Kaz’s elegant face helplessly. David’s undone state was a stark contrast to his master who looked cool and composed, as always. 

Watching David’s delicately disordered face, a small smile broadened on Kaz’s mouth. He moved in closer the younger man’s and planted a chaste kiss on David’s crimson lips. He leaned his forehead against David’s and looked him directly in the eyes. David blushed.

David blinked needily, trying to reach in to steal another kiss. Kaz ran his fingers through David’s matted hair and patted his hand on David’s flushed cheek.

‘You’re lucky you’re so fucking cute, David.’

Without hesitation, Kaz stood up over the younger man, and walked away.

David’s chest heaved and his head was still spinning as he lay on the floor, exhausted and wasted beyond his wildest dreams.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Because of course Dave has a praise kink. Thanks to BitterLittlePastry for putting up with me putting this off for ages and being neurotic about this. 
> 
> ***sorry this is plotless, I promise there is actually a plot coming soon***
> 
> Hope this was alright! 
> 
> As always, thanks so much for reading! Always makes my day hearing from you guys so please feel free to let me know your thoughts in the comments below or say hello on tumblr at:
> 
> cryingoverkaz.tumblr.com
> 
> Lots of love!


	11. Slow Show

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Bored and uninterested in socialising at a Foxhound event, Kaz and David decide to leave the party early and take a long walk home.

Parties at Foxhound were not so much events for fun, felt David, but opportunities to network. David enjoyed socializing, but the thought of having to make contacts through fake, perfunctory chit chat was the worst. He idly breathed a sigh of relief in the back of his mind that his rise through the ranks of the army was largely down to his natural ability. Previous trainers had often remarked that it was as if David was built and made to be a soldier. His talent, along with his natural, boyish charm, ensured that events like these were largely unnecessary for David. And yet, here he was.

He took a sip of his wine and cast a glance over towards Master Miller. To say that David had merely gotten close to the older man would be a vast understatement. Ever since that night in Kaz’s apartment, David could only describe the past few months as a delirious whirlwind of training and sex. And, he duly noted, an excruciating combination of the two. Emotionally, David had no idea what was happening. Every single time he stayed the night, he always woke up abandoned, used and alone. Physically, however, it was an exhausting bliss. As soon as they were together, David’s brain emptied and every concern he had about where he stood with the older man drained away without hesitation. Reveling in the pleasure of his sexual awakening, David was not complaining. 

At the moment, his master was swamped with new recruits, each presumably eager to find out more about their mysterious Hellmaster. Across the room, one hand in his pocket and the other clutching his wine glass, David did not need to see behind Kaz’s dark glasses to know that he was hating every second of it. Already renowned for his intimidating, taciturn disposition, David was surprised that the newer recruits had worked up the nerve to attempt talking to their supposed ‘Hellmaster’. That said, David had done much, much worse. And, he noted, with undeserved success. Part of him relished the absurdity of it all.

Kaz nodded at the recruits, disinterested in any sycophantic pleasantries as he drank his wine. From afar, he turned his head and caught David’s eye. For a brief moment, their expressions unfaltering, their eyes locked. Furtive, David’s breath hitched imperceptibly. His pulse raced. His face remained unchanged. Kaz looked away, turning away from the recruits to pour himself more wine. Blinking to regain his internal composure, David took another gulp of wine. Scanning the crowd of faces, David searched for a group of people whose conversation he wouldn’t find tedious when his thoughts were interrupted from a beeping from his pocket. David rustled through his pocket and produced his pager, which had received a message. Checking that nobody was reading over his shoulder, he glanced down.

‘S.O.S.’ it read. David chuckled to himself and looked up across the room towards the older man who, once again, was surrounded by young recruits. His lips were plastered in what could only be described as a mildly murderous smile. His arms were folded. Whilst Kaz was not socially anxious per se, David had learned from the time that he spent with him, that he was extremely private and preferred to keep his personal life and professional life distinctly separate. David chuckled to himself; present company excepted. 

The crowd around Kaz parted quickly, however, as an imposing presence made its way through. It was Big Boss. David watched, eager to catch a glimpse the Legendary Soldier. To all of the recruits, including David, Big Boss truly was an idol, on another level from any of the other senior staff members. There was an overwhelmingly intimidating air of authority surrounding him: the recruits simply worshipped the him. David gulped, anxious to see what would come of an interaction between the two men he respected the most.

Their meeting seemed brief and inconsequential. Kaz’s forced smile melted to his default frown. His arms remained folded. David had heard that Big Boss and Master Miller had worked together for a while in the past, and so was not hugely surprised by their already established rapport. But even with their supposed familiarity, there was something so imposing about Big Boss that he seemed almost untouchable. To see the man who had gained such a cult following standing across from the man who David had gotten to know so intimately was, for David, overwhelming. He couldn’t believe that the two most revered figures in his life were talking comfortably and in a familiar manner.

Big Boss ran his eye over Master Miller and his mouth broadened into a wide grin, as if he was making a joke to Kaz. Kaz raised his eyebrows in response, with a flicker of a smile, before resorting back to his usual disposition. Big Boss placed an arm on Kaz’s forearm and leaned in closer, as if to whisper something to Master Miller. David felt a spike of discomfort surge in him. What was he doing? David tried to shut down the possessive thoughts that swelled in his gut. Their interaction could mean anything. They were work colleagues and, to David at least, there was nothing to suggest that there was anything more. Kaz certainly had not spoken about Big Boss to David at any length, or mentioned anything about their relationship as friends or peers. In fact, Kaz never mentioned Big Boss or any of the staff members. Nonetheless, unable to quell his anxiety, David took a quick gulp of his drink and tried to turn away. 

Whatever it was that Big Boss wanted, however, Kaz seemed uninterested. After a moment, Kaz stepped back, shaking his head rebuffing whatever it was that Big Boss was suggesting. Big Boss furrowed his brow, seeming taken aback. Kaz merely shrugged. Big Boss reluctantly accepted this, looking Master Miller over once more before leaving him alone. David felt oddly relieved. Kaz turned around and produced his pager. David’s pager beeped.

‘Bailing. Join me?’ David could not hide his smile. David’s eyes flickered up from his pager and glimmered as they met his mentor’s. David blushed. The older man’s eyes darted downwards, hiding a smile in return as he headed towards the exit. Soon Kaz was out of sight. David gulped. Taking a quick glance around the room to make sure that nobody was watching, he took a deep breath and followed his master surreptitiously. David held his breath in excitement as he walked, the idle noise and the faces of the people around him blurring out of his focus as he focused on the exit. There was only one place that he wanted to be. 

David slid through the crowds and let out a breath as he left the room, the cooler evening air wafting on his face. The hum of conversation lay low from inside the hall. David looked around eagerly for his master. Springtime in Alaska meant that despite it being the evening, the sun was still in the sky, and would remain there all night long. David wondered idly if he should be more cautious about getting caught waiting for his master, but found it difficult to care. He just wanted to get out of there and get back to Master Miller’s bed. Anxious that he had missed his chance, David lit a cigarette to calm his nerves.

After waiting for what felt like an age, soft footsteps from around the corner caught his attention. David perked up the moment he saw the outline of the older man. He rushed towards his master, draping his arms over his shoulder and meeting him with a deep, hungered kiss. Kaz, startled at first, stepped back under the momentum of David’s hug. He then placed a hand on David’s waist and hummed softly into their kiss, smiling as he tasted the alcohol and smoke on David’s lips. David broke their kiss and placed a gentle fist on Kaz’s chest.

‘Where were you?’ he whined, gently tapping his master with his fist. He nuzzled his master’s coat. ‘I thought I’d missed you.’

Kaz chuckled as he produced a large suitcase, its contents jangling as it gave it a gentle shake.

‘You think I’d leave a party like that without taking some of the alcohol?’ Kaz explained. ‘I had a glass for every inane question I was asked and I need at least another few bottles before I can feel human again.’

David rolled his eyes and shook his head at his master, struggling to contain a small, endeared grin. 

‘You know, when I first met you I thought you were some sexy, mysterious deity,’ teased Dave, looking up at his mentor. ‘Now that we actually started fucking I realise you’re just a grumpy old alcoholic.’

Kaz scrunched his eyes in a candid, bundled laugh, rewarding David with a light slap on his ass.

‘Brat.’

‘What?’ continued David. ‘I didn’t say I didn’t like it. In fact, I think I prefer it.’ Kaz produced a bottle of wine, removed the cork and passed it to David firmly. 

‘You’re a strange, strange boy, David.’ He opened a bottle for himself and clinked it with David’s. ‘Here’s to you, kiddo.’ Kaz took a swig from the bottle.

‘Kaz!’ gasped David in mock horror, ‘have some class!’ Kaz licked his lips and raised his eyebrows suggestively.

‘I’m trash, baby, and you love it. Now come on, let’s walk.’

***

‘Kaz, where the fuck are we?’ 

Both men had lost track of both the time and their direction as they ambled together aimlessly, absorbed in their conversation and drinking. 

‘Ummmm…’ Kaz trailed off. He looked up at the sky, the sun falling lower as they walked later into the night. Frowning slightly as he figured out his bearings, he turned to his right. ‘This way.’

‘So we’ve got to follow that road down to avoid the meth houses and hopefully…’ began David, thinking outloud. Kaz hummed softly to himself.

‘I reckon we can probably cut through the back,’ suggested Kaz, nodding towards the back of the houses.

‘Kaz, are you insane?!’ replied David, who didn’t even want to think about what would happen if they got caught sneaking around. Kaz chuckled and finished the bottle of wine from his hand.

‘Come on, where’s your sense of adventure?’ he joked. ‘Besides,’ he purred, slipping a hand into David’s back pocket and giving David’s ass a hard squeeze. He leaned towards the younger man, nipping his ears with a gentle bite. ‘I don’t know about you, but I’d really, really like to get back to my place as soon as possible.’ 

David’s eyes widened and he began to blush uncontrollably. He adjusted his trousers and cleared his throat.

‘Let’s go.’ 

***

The men giggled together as they walked at a quick pace. They rushed, in part to avoid getting caught cutting behind the back of the houses; but mostly out of a shared desire to get back Kaz’s apartment as quick as possible. As they stumbled around, stabilizing themselves against the fences, a soft growling caught Kaz’s attention. Immediately he brought a hand back to stop David from going any further. He hushed the younger man.

‘What was that?’ he whispered, his voice tinged with a strange, almost boyish excitement.

‘What?’ replied David. Without warning, Kaz walked forward and suddenly kneeled onto the floor, crawling towards the fence beside them.

‘Kaz, what the fuck?’ David hissed, his surprise overriding his usual delight of seeing his master on his knees. Kaz cocked his head and pressed his cheek to the ground and started to whistle softly. David watched, confused, until he heard the sound of sniffing and a soft little whine from behind the fence.

‘Hey there, buddy,’ cooed Kaz from the ground. ‘Hello there.’

‘Come on, Kaz,’ urged David impatiently, ‘we’ve got to go.’ Kaz turned his head to face David.

‘David, look at this dog!’ he squealed, his face beaming. David paused, astounded by this very uncharacteristic display from his master. Kaz began to mumble happily, fussing its cheeks as it smooshed its face through the bottom of the fence to get closer to the older man.

David grabbed Kaz by the arm and began to try pulling him away.

‘Kaz, this is a fucking meth house, that’s a fucking guard dog, and you’re fucking drunk,’ he began, grunting as Kaz refused to give way. ‘It’s not your friend. Come on!’ He tugged again. Kaz snapped his head around to the younger man and glared at him, pouting at the thought of leaving the dog unfussed. Kaz’s eyes darted pensively as he surveyed the surrounding area, his drunken mind working away. He pursed and bit at his lip gently, deep in thought as one hand idly brushed at the dog’s fur through the fence.

‘I’m gonna pet the dog,’ stated the older man, resolute.

‘Wha-‘. Kaz dashed past David.

‘Kaz, no!’ spat David as Kaz ran towards the edge of the fence.

‘Kaz _YES_!’ called his master as he, with impressive speed and elegance, scaled a nearby tree, his powerful calf pushing him up towards the top of the fence. He slinked down from the tree and, as soon as his feet reached the ground, was met with the pat pat pat of the dog’s footsteps.

David cursed under his breath as he followed the older man. David had always adored dogs, but late at night behind what was almost certainly a meth house, David was sure that Kaz would most likely be mauled in the face by the guard dog. Lacking the grace and finesse of his master, David clambered up the tree to try and intervene in the ensuing chaos. He prepared himself to drop down from the tree when he caught sight of his master.

Kaz was on his knees, his elbows pressed into the ground as he patted his palms into the ground. The dog- the breed of which David could not pinpoint- was huge and terrifying, but currently patting its paws into the ground along with the older man. Kaz propped himself up and began to fuss the dog, ruffling its fur messily as its tail began to wag enthusiastically.

Kaz’s smile was broad and beaming. Unadulterated, candid delight curved into the wrinkles around his lips and dimpled his cheek. Strands of Kaz’s hair fell from his ponytail and cascaded around his jaw, swaying delicately as Kaz shook his head, babbling away in Japanese to the dog. The dog brought its nose to Kaz’s face, booping his nose before beginning to lick his face. Kaz turned his head back as the dog lapped at his cheeks, laughing blissfully without refrain. 

‘Boof,’ began Kaz, who was rewarded with a gentle ‘boof’ in response.

‘Who’s a good doggie?’ he cooed happily. ‘You’re a good doggie! Aaw yes you are!’ The dog rolled onto its back, wriggling happily as Kaz petted its stomach. ‘Aaw I love you, yes I do!’ The dog’s mouth hung open, panting joyfully. Kaz continued in Japanese. 

David held his breath and gulped as he watched the older man. He had never seen this side of anyone in his lifetime interactions, never mind this side of his stern, taciturn master. David did not know how he felt exactly for his master, or what their relationship even was. Mentor, lover, friend- seeing this, David felt like that didn’t matter to him anymore. There was a sense of wonder and joy about the man that was so whole and unbroken that, in that moment, David knew that he would be irrevocably and unquestioningly devoted to his master.

The dog looked up, noticing David. It barked excitedly, causing Kaz to jump. He turned around and saw David. Sensing the dog’s eagerness to move, Kaz let go of the dog and it scampered towards the tree where David was nestled. It pawed at the trunk and, tail still wagging, barked at David again. Enamored with the dog, David jumped down from the tree to begin petting it. 

‘Kaz, this is a guard dog, how the fuck did you manage this?’ giggled David, enjoying in the attention he had gotten from the dog.

‘I don’t know, I always just get on with dogs,’ replied Kaz casually. ‘Don’t ask how, it’s a bit like a sixth sense.’

Kaz was not sure if his reply had registered with the younger man, smiling fondly as the dog began to lick David’s face. Their reverie, however, was interrupted by a particularly loud bark. Lights turned on from the house nearby. Their eyes met, alarmed. 

‘What’s that, girl?’ called a voice from indoors. ‘You found someone?’ The sound of a shotgun being loaded followed.

‘ _Fuck_ ,’ spat David. 

‘ _Run!_ ’ whispered Kaz. 

The two men ran back to the tree, Kaz climbing the tree with expert speed, holding a hand out and pulling up David with him. The dog let out a sad whine, seeing that they were going where she could not follow.

‘Sorry buddy,’ said Kaz, regretfully. ‘Wish I could take you back with me.’

They hopped over the fence to the other side and sprinted away, Kaz taking the lead and David following behind. 

‘Kaz, how are you so fast for someone so old?’ gasped David, trying to keep up.

‘How are you so slow for someone so young?’ retorted the older man, speeding up and looking back at his prodigy. ‘Gotta push you harder in training, kiddo.’

Carried on the wave of a shared high, the men laughed together as they ran for their safety.

***

They ran and they ran and they ran, giggling like teenagers until eventually they made it back to Kaz’s apartment. Despite having wandered around for a large part of the night, they both felt a rush of energy, reveling in each other’s company. Hurrying up the stairs to Kaz’s door, David pounced on the older man the second that they crossed the threshold, pinning him to the floor. He crushed a fervent kiss on his master’s lips, interrupted by Kaz pulling him away and reminding him to shut the door before they got caught. Resuming their kiss, David booted the door shut clumsily with his heel, reluctant to create any distance between him and the man he adored. 

Still on top of the older man, David kicked off his shoes. His face knocked against Kaz’s glasses as he devoured the older man’s lips eagerly. Kaz wrinkled his nose before unceremoniously removing his glasses, tossing them aside without care. His eyes remained shut as he raised his head and pouted to continue their kiss when he noticed that David had pulled away. He opened his eyes and looked at the younger man who was starting back at him, fascinated.

‘What, what is it?’ Kaz asked, furrowing his brow impatiently. David took a moment to look at the unguarded eyes of his master. He scanned the elegant wrinkles stemming from the corners his master’s eyes. Soft, slight pillowy bags edged the bottoms of his eyes. Pale and glazed over, David still felt their sharp, focused stare boring into him. Kaz tilted his head, his lips hanging open.

‘David?’

Wordlessly, David brought his hands to his master’s face, feathering his fingers over his strong cheekbones. He pulled himself into another deep kiss, the two men drowning in their shared touches. A light nip on the bottom of David’s lip caught his attention. His master was smirking flirtatiously. His eyes were alive with desire.

‘Do you think you can make it to the bedroom this time?’ he purred at the younger man. David gritted his teeth, staring down at his master as a cavernous lust growled from within him. David bit down on his lip hard and ground his hips powerfully onto the older man.

‘Nope,’ he replied resolutely. 

And so, in a whirlwind of desire, he tore of his master’s clothes and fucked him senseless on the floor.

***

How they managed to get off the floor, up the stairs, and back to Kaz’s bed after their marathon sex was beyond both of them. Now naked, and covered in bite marks, scratches, and carpet burn, both men were exhausted and sprawled inelegantly between the sheets. Within minutes they were fast asleep.

***

David let out a small, slow groan. Every morsel of his body had been exerted and every muscle ached as he slowly slinked out of a deep sleep. _The morning after. Already?_ thought David to himself, disappointed at the prospect of being left alone yet again. His head pounded. Letting out a small grunt, he crooked his neck and stretched out his arms. He frowned at himself. Given what Kaz has warned him about, David figured he should have known better. Or at least just come to expect nothing more than a quick, dirty fuck. Or-  
- _Thud!_

A pained grumble from beside David. David turned to his right to see the older man, scrunching his nose up in drowsy discomfort.

‘Oww,’ he mumbled, bringing up a heavy arm to shield his nose, which David had just hit whilst stretching, assuming that he was alone.

‘Oh shit, Kaz,’ began David, struggling to contain his both his guilt at waking up Kaz and his joy at finding his master by his side. ‘Sorry, Kaz, I thought you weren’t there.’

Pulled out of his soporiphic haze, Kaz rolled onto his side to face David and responded with a small confused grumble. His eyes still heavy with sleep, they flickered open momentarily and looked at David with slight suspicion. Kaz’s hair was messed up and feathery after the night that they had just had. Still in a half-dreamy state, his expression was somewhere between perplexed and mildly irritated at having been rooted out of his slumber. His lips were pressed together softly in a small natural pout. He breathed out gently and rolled over onto his back. David felt his chest tighten. 

Instinctively, Kaz reached out his arm and pulled David into sudden embrace, holding him close to his chest. Pressing the younger man against his body, Kaz threaded his fingers through David’s soft hair, and nestled David’s head in the crook of his neck. Nuzzling the younger man gently, his head drooped back into the pillow as his eyes blinked shut.

David shut his eyes too and let the steady rise and fall of his master’s chest carry him to sleep. He felt his fear and his doubt wash away in the fold of his master’s arms. He breathed in the pleasure of his master’s perfume. As if in that moment, their worlds were in perfect harmony.

####  End of Part I 

#### 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> THIS IS PURE FLUFF AND DEDICATED TO DOGS AND ANYONE WHO'S EVER FELT SOCIALLY ANXIOUS AT A PARTY.
> 
> I'm sorry this is so self indulgent, but I had so much fun writing this, I don't know why. 
> 
> Thanks so much for reading, really really appreciate it! As always, please feel free to let me know your thoughts in the comments below or say hello on Tumblr. I love hearing from you guys, your comments are always so helpful!
> 
> http://cryingoverkaz.tumblr.com/
> 
> (P.S Title taken from the song Slow Show by The National bc I'm a ridiculous fangirl)


	12. Other People's Letters

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Present day and David continues his work in Master Miller's house, moving to Kaz's old bedroom. After a difficult evening alone, he stumbles upon some of Kaz's old letters and a mysterious, hidden away parcel.

####  Part II: Other People's Letters 

Having operated with mechanical efficiency, David had worked his way through most of the rooms in Kaz’s house. David had spent the past few nights spent asleep- or rather, staring blankly at the ceiling all night- on Kaz’s armchair. His back felt stiff and his eyes were heavy and dry. The exhaustion that followed had gotten to a point where it outweighed the emotional strain of going into Kaz’s old bedroom.

In happier, bygone times, David relished the ritual excitement of climbing the stairs, his master in hand, to Kaz’s bedroom. David resented that cruel familiarity now. His body slouched, weighed down by reluctant his legs that anchored themselves with every step. What difference would it make seeing Kaz’s old bed? Thought David. Knowing what Kaz had become by his later years, David would not be surprised if Kaz had spent most of his nights passed out on the armchair. That is, if he slept at all.

The door creaked open. David stepped inside. Plain, well-ordered, it was almost as if Kaz had never been there. There was little evidence to hint that this room belonged to Kaz. It seemed impersonal, save for a trunk placed timidly in the corner and a heavy set writing desk with an old black and white photograph of a woman who David assumed was his mother. Slowly, David paced across the room to the window.

The evening was clear and cloudless, stars littering the sky outside. Pale, sharp moonlight drifted in through the window. David traced its lines as it settled delicately on a modestly sized bed in the centre of the room. He blinked. He gritted his teeth as, without control, his mind projected visions of his master, tangled between the bedsheets, asleep. In the back of his mind, he thought about how the evening shadows shaded the graceful contours of his lover’s bare, scarred back. He thought of the spun gold of his master’s curls, draped over his shoulder where they fell in the silvery moonlight. He closed his eyes. He thought of never seeing Kaz again.

His chest began to hollow out. David clenched his fists. He strode around the bed with purpose and, flinging open the doors to Kaz’s wardrobe, pulled his master’s clothes off of their hangers and hurled them onto the bed inelegantly. David let out a small grunt, throwing his master’s shirts down with brute force onto the bed. 

‘No!’ he spat. His chest heaved as he gasped with his whole body as he flung down Kaz’s shirts. ‘No, no, no, no, no!’

He looked into the empty wardrobe, and down at the messed up bed. 

Feeling whatever energy he had left in his body drain from his bones, David collapsed heavily onto the mattress. Huddled among his Master’s old clothes, he crumpled Kaz’s jumper to his face. He wanted to unleash a gaping, desperate scream, but no sound left his mouth. He felt so exhausted he couldn’t breathe. The softness of the wool cradled David’s weary face. God, he was tired. He was so, so tired.

‘No,’ he whimpered. ‘I can’t-‘

He breathed in the remnants of his lover’s perfume and he cried himself to sleep.

***

David woke, groaning, to the sound of a soft whining from below. Warm, focused sunlight tapped at his eyelids. He rolled over in the bed, pressing his face down into his master’s clothes lethargically. His eyes felt like lead and his through was arid and dry.

‘Nooo,’he droned, nuzzling the soft fabric beneath him. The puppy began to paw at the bed frame, jumping with little success, trying to reach David on the bed. It yelped excitedly.

‘Nggrrhh fuck off!!’ He growled, made moodier still by the puppy’s relentless enthusiasm. ‘I don’t wanna get up.’ Unaffected by David’s perpetual sulking, the puppy began to paw at the duvet, barking happily at the prospect of David keeping them company.

‘Urgh,’ he mumbled. ‘I suppose you’re right.’ He rested his cheek for one last minute against one of Kaz’s jumper and, feeling the oppressive weight of the morning in his muscles, propped himself up on the bed and got up. Immediately the puppy began to run circles around David as he strode to the bathroom, wagging its little tail cheerfully. He looked down at the puppy and raised an eyebrow. He kneeled down and fussed its ears idly. The puppy panted, sticking its tongue out in joy.

‘I don’t know how you do it, buddy,’ he sighed, ‘I really don’t.’

***

After having showered and gotten himself ready for another day, David found himself determined to sort out Kaz’s bedroom. David’s breakdown the night before had certainly drained him, but had left him with a cathartic sense of hope, as if some of his pent up grief flowed away with his pools of tears. He sat down on the floor before the writing desk, Kaz’s urn of ashes on one side of him and the puppy on his other side, resting its chin on David’s knee. David pulled out a drawer, surprised to see a mass of papers springing out.

David knew that Kaz liked to write letters. In fact, when David moved to Canada, he would write letters to Kaz all of the time, a ritual that David came to treasure fondly. David leaned in to get a proper look at the contents of the drawer. On closer inspection, David found a large cardboard package, wedged at the back of the drawer. That seemed to be taking the majority of the space. David pried his fingers around its edges and wrenched it out. Feeling the package give way, the papers settled to the bottom of the drawer, falling into the new space.

What was the package? David supposed that Kaz had put it firmly out of sight for some reason. The address was marked out hastily and a large heavily underlined ‘RETURN TO SENDER’ was scrawled over the front. The box was wound in packaging tape, as if Kaz wanted to shut away whatever it was that he had been sent. Curious to see its contents, especially since Kaz wasn’t around to protest otherwise, David took his keys and broke through the tape sealing.

The sides of the box gave way, springing open to reveal a mass of photographs. Nestled on top of them was a letter, folded away neatly. David opened up the letter.

 _Mon chou,_ it began, in meticulously formed cursive.

_Before you start complaining, please hear me out. I don’t know what happened between you two that hurt you so deeply, but given the recent circumstances, I figured that these photographs would be better placed in your hands. Especially the ones of you and him._

_Please, please do not take this the wrong way. I don’t mean to open up old wounds. I just can’t bear the thoughts of these happier memories going to waste. No matter what life takes from you, it cannot take away the joy and the fun that we all had together back in Costa Rica. I hope these photographs remind you of that._

_Remember that you are always welcome to come and visit me. Tu me manques toujours, mon ami._

_Your friend, forever and always,_

_C_

David folded the letter back up again, furrowing his brow puzzled. Kaz never spoke about his time before joining Foxhound as a trainer. David had always been curious, but knew better than to ask. Could this be an insight into the mystery of Master Miller that he had been desperate to find out when Kaz was alive? By the end of their relationship David had spent so long begging Kaz to open up to him and let him in. Now faced with the chance to find out all of these things, David wasn’t so sure if he should delve in and take those answers that he never had, or leave them out of respect for the man he admired the most. He cast a glance at the urn beside him and let out a long drawn sigh. Electing to leave Kaz’s memory in peace, David reached out to close the box when suddenly, the puppy began to paw at the side of the box, tipping its contents out onto the floor.

‘Dammit,’ David muttered, frowning at the puppy, ‘not OK.’ The puppy looked back at him with large, oblivious eyes. It was just too cute for its own good. Instead of reprimanding the puppy any more, David ruffled the soft fur behind its ears. Reaching out to retrieve the photographs and put them away, David paused as his gaze fell upon a Polaroid that had fallen just further from the others. 

There were two figures, a woman and a man, stood back to back with their arms folded. Her face looked oddly familiar. Heart shaped and framed with a brown bob, her lips were pressed together in a faux frown, tilting her head upwards proudly. She wore a yellow scarf and a black vest, and on her khaki trousers the logo for… _the FSLN_? David’s mouth dropped open. Amanda Valenciano Libre? He had read about her and her work in Nicaragua back in Foxhound and Green Berets and, looking at this photograph was in awe. 

His eyes moved to the man beside her. He wore what looked like a modified version of a Guerrilla outfit, with a green jacket, sleeves rolled up and belted around his waist. His collars were turned up, bordering a yellow scarf, knotted neatly around his neck. David’s gaze followed the mans lips and, looking at his face David knew immediately from the curve of his lips, the strong structure of his jaw and, of course, the classic aviators, that this was Kazuhira Miller. 

His eyes skimmed the caption at the bottom. Rushed and in pencil it read:

‘ _A and M, matching scarves. “We mean business”._ ’ David let out a short chuckle. He never knew that they were friends.

David held his breath as he brought his attention back to his master. Kaz’s expression mirrored that of Amanda’s. His chin was angled upwards, a flirtatious, self-satirical ‘tough-guy’ grin was plastered on his face. Sun kissed and full of a playful, youthful vigor, this was a side of his master that David had never expected to see. His hair was shorter than David was used to but still relatively long, and impeccably slicked to the back. It was abundantly clear that Kaz was very powerful. More muscular and bulky than the Master Miller he was used to, there was a real majesty and natural grace in his presence. David bit down on his lip. _Fuck, he was hot_. Kaz had mentioned that he had been promiscuous in his younger years and, seeing what he looked like, it was no wonder. 

David continued to flick through the photographs which, despite David not knowing a large number of the people in them, seemed to hark from a happier time. Smiling pictures  
of soldiers huddled together as a team, photographs of Kaz and a few others hanging around leisurely on the beach. As an outsider, David found the nostalgia in these pictures mildly comforting. As if he could forget about what was going on in his own life and make up a narrative for those in the photographs. 

David went through each photograph of Kaz, eyeing them carefully. From candid photographs of him at ease, playing the guitar, to photographs of him looking serious, huddled over a clipboard or a desk, one thing was certain. It confirmed time and time again that his master had been, and to David, always would be, beautiful. Certainly, it was a different type of beauty to the world weary grace of Master Miller, but that spark and sharpness that David had fallen for from the start seemed very much alive in these photographs. Even if his master was gone.

He wondered if he would be able to keep some of these for himself. The will had stated that what to do with any old correspondence would be in the executrix’s discretion, but David figured that she’d never know. Preferring to steal the photographs rather than see them thrown away, David picked up a photograph of Kaz reading a book and placed it in his wallet.

Continuing his idle glancing, David paused upon one picture of Kaz with another familiar face. Bearded and edged with wild, dark hair, it was a face of unmistakable character. Big Boss and Kaz were sat, side by side on the beach, presumably deep in conversation. Kaz was reclined, leaning back on his elbows, his head tilted as if he were sounding out some sort of thought. Big Boss was sitting beside him, resting an elbow on his knee. David was so used to seeing Big Boss looking powerful and authoritative, but in this picture, that did not seem to be the case. His mouth hung gently, his body language was open.

Regardless of these differences, however, there was one thing that fixed David’s attention. Big Boss’s stare was firmly on Kaz. David lowered his eyebrows in suspicion. From the expression on Big Boss’s face, David wasn’t sure if Big Boss was listening to Kaz at all. In fact, David knew for a fact that Big Boss’s mind was elsewhere. That tender look that Big Boss was giving to Kaz in this picture as he looked away was one that David had given him too, many times before. It was a look of longing and adoration that David was all too familiar with. 

‘No,’ he muttered under his breath in disbelief. ‘It can’t be…’

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Someone pls give David a hug, he needs it.
> 
> Hope this is an alright set up for Part II, the rest of which is coming your way soon! So yeah, sorry this is a bit set up like, I promise there's plot coming!
> 
> As always, thank you so much for reading! Hope you enjoyed :D Feel free to let me know your thoughts in the comments below or say hi on tumblr at:
> 
> http://cryingoverkaz.tumblr.com/
> 
> Peace out!


	13. 13

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> David is assigned his new code name, 'Solid Snake.' He has a meeting and receives some interesting news.

David knocked apprehensively on the door.

‘It’s open,’ called the voice from inside. David patted down his uniform. He straightened his posture and took a deep breath. He opened the door and went in.  
‘Sir,’ nodded David respectfully. Reclined back in a study leather office chair, Big Boss was occupied, lighting a cigar. David hovered awkwardly in the corner of the office as he waited further instruction. Noticing this, Big Boss nodded to a nearby chair and waved an idle hand.

‘Take a seat,’ he said between idle puffs of his newly lit cigar. With his free hand he pushed forward an open cigar case. ‘Cigar?’ 

David looked down at the offering hand. Pressed in dark brown paper, the cigars were dense and thick. Smoking even just the one would take well over an hour alone, and David had no desire to stay in the intimidating presence of his boss for longer than necessary. He pursed his lips slightly.

‘No thank you, sir,’ he replied. ‘I don’t smoke.’ Big Boss glanced an eye over at him, raising an eyebrow skeptically. 

‘If you say so.’ He swiveled round on his chair and leaned an elbow casually on his desk. He took another puff of his cigar.

‘I believe congratulations are in order, Snake,’ began Big Boss. David fought back a small smile of pride, trying desperately not to show how excited he was at his own new code name. 

‘You know,’ Big Boss continued. ‘I requested that you be assigned that name myself.’ David’s eyes widened in muted shock. He wasn’t quite sure what to do. He was equal parts star struck- paralysed by respect and admiration and unable to comprehend Big Boss’s praise- and equal parts terrified by the formidable, intimidating presence sat before him. David wasn’t sure what Big Boss wanted with him.

‘Solid Snake,’ pondered Big Boss out loud. ‘It suits you, got a good ring to it too.’ David tried and failed to prevent himself blushing in response. It was strange. David felt like Big Boss was trying to dissect him through every single expression he pulled.

‘Thank you, sir. It’s an honour, sir.’ David’s voice fell to his natural defense, the neutral tone of a soldier. Hearing this, Big Boss let out a low, soft chuckle. Looking at his young, unblemished face, still easily intimidated, still very easily manipulated. Or- so he thought. Big Boss would have felt some pity for the boy, had he had it within him. He didn’t, not anymore. He grinned slightly as he watched for David squirming under his gaze. David kept a straight face as best as he could.

‘It’s not something that comes lightly,’ he growled, thoroughly enjoying toying with David’s nerves. ‘As you’re well aware, that name- my name- carries a certain weight.’ He kept his eye firmly on David, looking and waiting for any signs of David’s resolve faltering.

‘Do you think you can handle my legacy, Snake?’ His voice was low and predatory. David tried to keep his face as neutral as possible as his mind scrambled for a suitable answer.

‘I’ll try my best, sir,’ he replied, his voice unwavering. Big Boss hummed in response, half wondering how much longer David’s poker face would last. He took a long drag on the cigar and a silence fell between them. 

Big Boss drew an eye over the young man sat before him. David was more slender than he was at that age. His posture was impeccably straight with military precision. His eyes deep and radiant but either guarded with expert resilience or, perhaps, entirely emotionless. Either the soldier act was a fall back defense, or the soldier was what he was at heart. He wondered how far he could push the boy before he broke. He hoped to soon find out.

‘So,’ began Big Boss, ‘I’ve got a proposition for you.’ He sat back in his chair and tilted his head. David remained respectfully silent.

‘Solid, who’s currently in charge of training you?’ Big Boss asked, knowing fully well what the answer would be.

‘Sir?’ responded David, who was certain that Big Boss already knew what his reply would be.

‘You heard me,’ prodded Big Boss. ‘who’s your trainer, who’s your mentor?’

‘Master Miller, sir,’ David blurted, meaning to call him by his correct title. ‘I-I mean-‘ 

‘Ha!’ scoffed Big Boss. ‘Him? What are you doing with that old slut?’ David’s mouth dropped open. 

‘Excuse me?’ David snapped back in defensive shock. He could not for the life of him understand how anyone could speak of his master with such disrespect. The boy was a goddamn pup.

‘I mean,’ continued Big Boss, ignoring David’s interjection, ‘you could be doing better.’

Catching himself, David bit back the urge to protect his master.

‘Sir?’

‘Leave him behind. You’re training with me, now, Snake,’ asserted Big Boss. David froze at the proposition. Half of him was elated with the opportunity to be taught by the legend himself; half of his was nervous at the thought of leaving his master. David was, however, stunned in his entirety. He could feel Big Boss’s piercing glare scrutinise him for a reaction. Knowing this, David tried his best to remain composed. David blinked.

‘It would be an honour, sir,’ he replied with a genuine reverence in his tone. Big Boss grinned and looked at the soldier before him.

‘You’re a smart kid,’ Big Boss concluded. David wasn’t sure whether that was meant as a compliment or a threat. He elected to remain silent. Big Boss puffed on his cigar once more.

‘A very smart kid. That will be all, Snake.’

***

David knocked on the door frantically. His pulse was racing, unable to process in his mind the meeting that had just had with Big Boss. He looked around and established that nobody else was around. 

‘Kaz,’ he whispered his voice fraught with nerves, ‘it’s me, are you there?’ David heard the familiar shuffle of Kaz’s rushed footsteps. He opened the door.

‘David?’ said Kaz. He scanned his eyes over the boy at the threshold. ‘Come on in.’

David’s shoulders relaxed slightly, relieved somewhat to be with a more familiar face, but still tense from the news that he’d received from Big Boss. He looked back at his master, who was much more composed, but still wore a faint expression of concern behind a vain attempt to smile reassuringly. David lunged in for an embrace. He pressed the side of his face against his master’s chest. The older man held him close, taking a moment to try and soothe his tensions. Kaz broke their hug, holding David gently by the shoulders and leaning down to look into David’s eyes, which were lowered.

‘Hey, kiddo,’ he smiled, trying to catch eye contact with David. David’s nervous pout curved into a small smile in response. ‘I suppose congratulations are in order.’ David looked up at the older man.

‘So you heard about the code name?’ Kaz nodded in response.

‘Can’t say I’m a fan of the name, and I’d prefer to call you David if that’s fine by you,’ began Kaz, as he sat down on his chair. ‘But, you can’t deny that that’s a very impressive symbol. Well done.’

Hearing the praise from his mentor, David could not help but feel his anxiety chip away. David sat down on the chair opposite Kaz and rested his eyes on his lover, trying to think about how he would deliver the news. A silence settled between the men.

‘How was your meeting with Big Boss?’ asked Kaz, lighting a cigarette and passing it to David. David accepted it with gratitude.

‘You knew?’ he responded in shock.

‘Yeah,’ replied Kaz, lighting a cigarette for himself. ‘Of course. He may be Big Boss but we do still work for the same organisation.’ His voice was playful, if wry. David let out a short laugh.

‘Quit winding me up, Kaz,’ whined David struggling to hold back a genuine smile.

‘Alright, alright,’ conceded Kaz, taken in by David’s adorable face. ‘You wanna tell me what’s on your mind?’ David let out a small huff of smoke and leaned back in the chair.

‘So, I guess you heard about my new training regime, right?’ He looked up at Kaz who nodded slowly.

‘Yeah.’ He let out a small sigh. ‘Training with the legend himself. You must be excited.’ There was a strange, almost sad resignation in his master’s voice.

‘I want to stay with you,’ blurted David. Kaz looked up at David and smiled to himself. The boy was a goddamn pup.

‘It’ll do you good, David,’ started Kaz. ‘As much as I hate to admit it, he’s right, he’ll push you farther than I ever could. You’ll learn a lot.’ David reached over Kaz’s desk and took his hand firmly.

‘I want to stay with you,’ David insisted, resolute. Kaz froze at the contact, remaining silent and avoiding meeting David’s piercing gaze. Sensing this, David caught himself and let go of his master’s hand.

‘Sorry,’ David murmured, shrinking back into his chair. ‘I just-‘. David pursed his lips.

‘I’m so fucking scared, Kaz,’ David admitted. Kaz tilted his head, listening intently. ‘I mean, I’m happy here with you. I’m learning so much already and I enjoy our time together and now that’s all going to change, I mean, what am I going to do without you? And- and I trust you, I know that with you at least I’ll be safe, and-’ David babbled at speed as his worries spilled out from his gut. ‘And Big Boss is gonna beat the shit out of me!’

Kaz looked up at the man in front of him and his heart welled up. He held back a short laugh, David’s confessions being endlessly endearing. 

‘Hey, hey, hey,’ cooed Kaz soothingly, trying to cut in and stop David’s motor mouth. ‘David, David look at me.’ He reached over the desk and placed a tender hand on David’s arm. David fell to a silence, feeling himself relax at his master’s touch.

‘Now, just because he’s Big Boss, you don’t need to let him treat you badly, right?’ began Kaz. David furrowed his brow in curiosity. ‘He’ll definitely try to beat the shit out of you. He’ll toy with you and try playing mind games, and he’ll say it’s to push you and to build character, but you do not need to sit back and take it. Don’t let him faze you and hold nothing back. Hit back as hard as you can. That holds true for everyone, not just Big Boss.’ He paused.

‘David, look at me,’ continued Kaz. His voice was low and coloured with sincerity. David took a breath and raised his eyes to meet his master’s gaze. He thought that behind those dark glasses he could just about make out the earnestness in his look.

‘David you are the most talented and strong spirited person that I’ve ever had the privilege to teach. You may be young, but you are resilient and fiercely intelligent. And more important than that, you’re a good person.’ His gaze dropped momentarily. ‘That’s more than I can say about most. You’ve got it entirely within you to meet every single challenge that Big Boss throws at you. You’ll be fine.’ David blushed uncontrollably, unable to comprehend the kindness of his master’s words.

‘Don’t be afraid, David. I know you can do this.’ David’s eyes dropped and he gulped, trying to swallow down the emotion welling up in his chest.

‘Kaz,’ David uttered, his voice breathy with feeling. ‘Kaz, I don’t know what to say.’ Kaz gave David’s arm a gentle squeeze in his palm before letting it go and leaning back in his chair to stub out his cigarette.

‘And don’t worry about things changing. You have my number and you know where I am. If you ever need me, I’ll still be here. As a teacher, or your friend,’ David bit down on his lip, struggling to fight back tears of gratitude. Noting this Kaz threw the kid a bone.

‘Or, you know, a quick fuck,’ quipped Kaz, his humour successfully disarming. Kaz was met by an immediate burst of laughter from David. 

‘Hahaha, Kaz!’ giggled David, the intensity of his emotions now replaced with the present joy in his master’s company. Kaz was laughing too.

‘And, for the record,’ added Kaz. ‘I’ll miss you too.’ David’s eyes flickered to meet his master’s smile, and a comfortable silence settled between them. David took a long drag of his cigarette.

‘So,’ resumed Kaz, changing the topic. ‘How do you guys plan on celebrating?’

‘A bunch of us are planning on sneaking out and doing a bar crawl,’ replied David. ‘But, if you’re not too busy, I think I’d much rather celebrate some other way…’

Kaz let out a short chuckle as he sensed the glimmer of lust in David’s eyes. He let out a sigh.

‘Go have fun with your friends, David,’ he said. ‘We can hang out any other time.’ David’s smile softened a touch at his master’s rejection.

‘Are you sure? I mean, I could bail early and come to-‘ Kaz shook his head. David stuttered to a silence.

‘David, you don’t want to miss out- not least on my behalf, you’d come to regret it later,’ concluded Kaz. ‘Go have fun. You never know, you might prefer their company to that of a grumpy old man like me.’

Another short chuckle from David.

‘Ok, master,’ he conceded, ‘I’ll give you a call some other time.’

‘I’d like that.’

David rose from his seat and headed towards to door to leave his master behind. He reached his hand to the door handle, when he stopped in his tracks. He looked back to the older man, his eyes now scanning some papers on his desk. 

Without any hesitation David turned back and strode with resolution towards Kaz. He lunged down towards him on the chair. Straddling his master he crushed a deep, passionate kiss onto his lips. He cupped Kaz’s face in his hands, running his fingers over his temples and lacing them through his hair. He pinned the older man down under the weight of his body and rested his palms on his master’s jawline, drawing out the kiss for as long as possible. He sucked down hard on his master’s lips, drinking in the delight of his lover’s soft sighs. After lingering for a moment, David broke away for air, as both men breathed heavily together. He rested his forehead on his master’s and smiled.

‘You know, Kaz,’ he whispered earnestly. ‘No matter where I go or who I meet, I think I’ll always come back to you.’ Hearing this, Kaz looked at the young man before him, before closing his eyes and smiling silently. He held his prodigy close.

‘I should let you go,’ muttered Kaz, petting David’s hair after a few moments had passed.

‘Mhmm are you sure I can’t just stay here forever? With you?’ David half joked, his face pressed into the crook of Kaz’s neck. Kaz let out a short laugh as David tickled him with his nose.

‘Don’t you have better places to be?’ he retorted, pressing a small kiss on the top of David’s head, before patting him on the waist. ‘Come on, go see your friends. Don’t want to keep them waiting.’ David let out a small groan before climbing off of his master and heading for the door. He looked back at his lover.

‘See you later, Kaz.’

‘See you around, kiddo.’

Kaz watched as David left, standing from his chair and locking the door. He walked over to his phone and began dialing.

‘Snake, it’s me,’ he began over the phone. A short chuckle from the other end.

‘I’d recognise that voice anywhere, Kaz,’ purred Big Boss in response. Kaz remained silent. 

‘I suppose you’ve heard from your toy boy then, right?’ he continued. Kaz could feel himself grinding his teeth in rage the mere sound of his ex-lover’s voice. 

‘Cut the crap, Snake,’ spat Kaz.

‘Whoa easy there, kiddo. Let’s not get hysterical about this.’

‘Listen,’ Kaz growled, ‘I know what you’re trying to do. If you do anything, anything to hurt him I swear to God I’ll-‘

‘You’ll what?’ scoffed Big Boss. Kaz sighed in frustration. What could he possibly do?

‘Hurt him and you won’t so much as lay a finger on me again.’

‘Kaz, you old whore. I miss when you had a little more fight in you. Is this really all you have left to offer?’ Another sigh from Kaz.

‘With you? I suppose so,’ conceded Kaz. ‘But I’m still holding my ground.’ Snake sneered down the phone.

‘You’re fucking adorable. I’ve got you wrapped around my little finger. As if you could ever say no to me.’ 

Snake was right. No matter how hard Kaz had tried, it was as if there was something anchored in his chest that would always drag him back to Big Boss. He gathered up all of the strength in his mind and tried to force out any last feelings that he had for David’s father. Kaz closed his eyes and thought of David’s pure, untainted smile.

‘Just watch me.’

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> FYI you are always, always free to say no.
> 
> I have no idea what to name this chapter and I was sick of it sitting in my drafts so I thought I'd just post it without anything. Let me know if you have any suggestions haha! I might come back and name it later on....
> 
> Hope that was alright! Trying to pick up on things plot wise, so hope it's working out OK I dunno. As always please feel free to let me know your thoughts in the comments or on tumblr at http://cryingoverkaz.tumblr.com/. Always love hearing from you.
> 
> Thanks so much for reading, means a lot to me!! :D


	14. Smile

David grit his teeth together.

‘No,’ he whispered to himself. His fingers flicked through photograph after photograph after photograph after photograph of the man that he had fallen for and the man that he had burned to death. Maybe, thought David to himself desperately, maybe it was all nothing. Maybe David was just projecting. Maybe they were just friends. After all, they were just photographs of two men together, right? Nothing scandalous, nothing that would confirm anything. _Right?_

That said, perhaps they had kept it a secret. After all, Kaz had managed to keep whatever he had with David entirely secret for the entirety of their time together. Who was to say Kaz hadn’t done the same to David? David furrowed his brows in thought.

After all, his master was very private. For a long time, Kaz had managed to hide his own struggles from David without any difficulty. It was pure luck, he thought to himself, that he ever discovered the side of his master that could not cope and- David stopped himself. He didn’t want to think about that now.

Instead, he wondered what other secrets his Master had kept from him, and pondered whether he wanted to know the truth at all. 

He stared blankly at the Polaroids before him. He looked at the carefree smile that Kaz wore on his face. That smile that he wore for someone else.

He had dreamed about and longed for that smile for years. Now that he saw it, it broke his heart. 

That smile was not for David. He sighed. Perhaps it never was.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Impulsively named after a song by Beirut with the line 'I want to say you're mine / Oh I want to say you're mine.' Good luck with that, Dave...
> 
> I'm not really good with titles.
> 
> Sorry this is so short! I actually had a load more stuff but decided to cut it otherwise this would just never move on! Hope it wasn't too bad.


	15. Secret Meeting

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> David and Kaz have a meeting in Master Miller's office. Their meeting is cut short by a sudden interruption.

David threw his head back over the chair and jerked his hips upwards brusquely. 

‘Holy— _fuck_. Daddy---don’t--stop,’ he moaned between jagged breaths as his master straddled him and rode him relentlessly. David’s hands shook. They crept beneath Kaz’s vest and gripped desperately at the toned muscle beneath and pulling him closer. He dug his thumbs into the lines of Kaz’s hipbones and worked his fingers lower, splaying them over the sides of his master’s hips on onto his ass. He dug his nails in. Kaz latched his mouth onto David’s stretched out neck and bit down roughly on his sensitive skin. He was rewarded with a sharp gasp from David. David’s head lolled back in pure pleasure as he sank into the rough touches of his lover, kissing and nuzzling his elegant neck gracelessly.

Since David had started training with Big Boss, he had much less time alone with Kaz. That they had missed each others' company was abundantly clear in the frantic, urgent nature of their sex. Trading encounters in the gym with encounters in Kaz’s office, David had become very well acquainted with the feeling of his bare ass clinging with sweat onto the leather of Kaz’s office chair. At least this way they didn’t need to dress up their meetings with pretenses of training or anything official. They could quickly and precisely get to exactly what they wanted to do when they were together: fuck.

David felt the fabric of his shirt tighten around his shoulders as Kaz crushed the material in his fists and yanked at it firmly in desperate indulgence. Kaz let out a series of progressively short gasps as he bounced on the younger man with increasing vigour, the chair creaking beneath the force of his movement.

‘Oh fuck, David!’ he whispered hoarsely, ‘Fuck!’. David wrapped a strong arm around Kaz’s waist, bunching up his master’s vest and diving his face into Kaz’s chest. Kaz shuddered, feeling David’s hot breath unfurl over his skin before David brought his lips over Kaz’s nipple and sucked down hard.

‘Aah!’ he hissed in delight. ‘Fuck, David—ahh-baby--I’m so fucking close- ah!’

Encouraged by the prospect of sending his master over the edge, David began thrusting into with abandon. He ran his tongue harshly over Kaz’s nipple, teasing it mercilessly, spurred on by Kaz’s swelling moans of delight. David felt the weight of Kaz arching his body back into his arm, thrashing his head side to side as he was engulfed in pleasure when-

-a sudden noise from the corner of the office. The phone rang.

Both men jumped in shock as the jarring tones quickly pulled them out of their shared reverie. David looked over to the phone.

‘Kaz, do you want to?’ David paused.

‘No, no, just leave it, baby,’ replied Kaz, bringing a hand to David’s chin and tilting David’s face back towards him. He lowered himself back onto the younger man and planted a deep, sensual kiss onto David’s velvet lips. His hands began to roam over David’s shoulder and tug at the back of David’s t shirt when-

The phone rang again. Kaz let out a frustrated growl, glaring at the phone until the ringing stopped before attempting to resume his kiss. The answering machine clicked.

‘Miller,’ began the voice on the other side. ‘It’s me.’ David pulled away from the kiss, recognising the voice to be Big Boss’s. Silently he raised his eyebrows, nodding his head towards the phone to Kaz questioningly. Kaz shook his head.

‘Your boy’s doing well,’ continued Big Boss on the answering machine. Kaz raised his eyebrows at David and planted a proud, congratulatory kiss on David’s forehead as he blushed candidly.

‘Call me back when you get this message, I want to talk.’ Big Boss hung up the phone and David looked visibly relieved.

‘Well done, baby,’ purred Kaz lustily. ‘I knew you’d do me proud.’ Kaz trailed a finger over David’s expectant lips. 

‘You’ve been a very, very good boy.’ David’s face was flushed with delight and embarrassment. Kaz lowered himself on David again, slinking one arm around David’s waist and sticking a finger into David’s mouth.

‘So,’ he began, drawing his finger over David’s tongue slowly. ‘How do you want daddy to reward you?’ David’s eyes widened. He smiled and bit down onto Kaz’s finger, wrapping his hand around Kaz’s wrist powerfully. With slow, firm control, he guided his master’s hand over his neck, across his collarbone and onto his nipple, leaning in to replacing Kaz’s fingers with his mouth. David kissed his master with a deep, commanding lust as Kaz pressed at David’s nipple and began to ride his prodigy once more. Both men began to moan into each other’s lips, picking up the pace of their thrusting when-

-another phone call.

‘ _For fuck’s sake!_ ’ spat Kaz under his breath. David let out a low, needy whine. The ringing stopped and the answering machine began once more.  
‘ _For fuck’s sake, Kaz_ ,’ complained Big Boss over the phone. ‘I know you’re in there, answer the phone!’ Kaz lay his forehead onto David’s, scrunching his eyes shut and gritting his teeth.

‘Come on, Kaz!’ continued Big Boss. ‘Answer me!’

‘Kaz,’ whispered David frantically, pushing his master away from him, ‘Kaz, he sounds mad, I think you should- ah!’ David was interrupted by the sudden feeling of the older man standing up off from David. He arched his head forward and watched as Kaz hobbled grouchily over to the answering machine.

‘I know you’re in there, you’re not fooling me. Just pick up the phone you fu-‘

Kaz pulled out the plug from the wall in one fell movement, cutting off Big Boss’s ranting. He turned around to face David and smiled.

‘Kaz,’ gasped David, still intimidated by what he had just heard. ‘Are you sure you don’t want to call him back?’ David’s worries, however, melted away as he watched his master meander towards him, a flirtatious grin on his face.

‘Why?’ he responded coquettishly, climbing back onto David and drawing his tongue over David’s ear. ‘I’ve got everything I want and need right here.’ A spike or arousal shot through David. He gritted his teeth and picked up his master, grabbing his vest and slamming him back on the desk forcefully. 

Kaz let out a short gasp, winded but impressed by David’s enthusiastic drive. He licked his lips and looked up at the younger man.

‘You’ve gotten stronger,’ noted Kaz, as he spread his legs invitingly and sprawled back on the desk.

‘Maybe you’ve just gotten older,’ quipped David as he grabbed his master’s thigh, hooking it over his shoulder. He positioned himself once more.

‘You fucking brat.’ 

David let out a short laugh. He looked down at Kaz, biting his lip and raising his eyebrows inquisitively. Kaz nodded in acquiescence. David pushed himself inside his master and began to thrust rhythmically. David moaned and gasped as he felt his master coil around him.

‘Oh god, Kaz,’ panted David. ‘You’re so fucking beautiful.’

Kaz gripped desperately onto the surface under him, crumpling his papers beneath his fingers. His mouth dropped open as David pounded him mercilessly. Drowning deeper and deeper with pleasure at the touch of his prodigy, Kaz let his head hang helplessly off the edge of the desk. He closed his eyes. He sighed.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Dammit BB, get the hint, he's busy. Don't cock block my faves.
> 
> Hope that was OK! I've been really busy and will be really busy for the next month and a bit, so sorry if this seems rushed.
> 
> As always, please feel free to say hi on tumblr or let me know your thoughts in the comments below. Love hearing from you <3
> 
> http://cryingoverkaz.tumblr.com/


	16. No

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Kaz tries to end things with his old lover.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TW: Domestic violence, sexual assault, emotional abuse, dissociation, slurs, non con, violence, blood
> 
> Please, please let me know if there's something I've missed off and I'll fix it asap.

‘Kaz,’ purred Snake as he opened his door, inviting him into the office.

‘Snake,’ began Kaz, ‘we need to talk.’ Snake grabbed Kaz by the wrist and pulled him back, pushing him back and slamming Kaz against the door. Snake looked up at the younger man, a mischievous grin widening on his face.

‘Funny, I don’t feel so talkative right now.’ Snake lunged forward, planting a ravenous kiss onto Kaz’s lips. He drove a hand around Kaz’s waist, hooking his fingers around his belt before working them under his trousers.

‘Snake, stop,’ protested Kaz as he turned his head and pulled his lips away from their kiss. Snake buried his face into the crook of Kaz’s neck instead. Kaz jerked his shoulder into Snake, bumping him off.

‘Feisty today, are we?’ continued Snake. ‘God, Kaz, I’ve wanted you so badly.’ He resumed his work on Kaz’s neck and his hand slinking onto Kaz’s ass and giving them a rough squeeze.

‘Snake, stop, I mean it,’ hissed Kaz. Snake sucked down on his skin hard to mark his territory. 

‘Stop—no— _let me go!_ ’ grunted Kaz, shoving Snake off of his body with force. Snake stumbled back and, with enough distance between he men, looked at the severe expression on Kaz’s face.

‘Kaz, what’s wrong with you?’ replied Snake, his ego bruised by the rejection.

Kaz’s pulse raced as he looked at the man that he used to love. He took a deep breath.

‘I can’t do this,’ stated Kaz resolutely. Snake furrowed his brow, leaning back on his desk and scrutinising the younger man. Kaz repeated himself. 

‘I can’t do this anymore.’ Snake paused as the words registered in his mind. He took a moment to gauge his tone.

‘Kaz, you said that back in 1984,’ Snake scoffed. ‘You’ve said it many times before.’ He began lighting a cigar. He glanced at the younger man, raising a brazen eyebrow.

‘And yet here you are.’ Kaz remained silent as Snake puffed on his cigar, the embers gaining a glow with each breath. 

‘Don’t tell me,’ began Snake, ‘this time you mean it?’ He smirked at Kaz, taunting him with a stare as he mentally undressed the man standing before him. Kaz folded his arms.

‘I meant it back then,’ replied Kaz. Snake remained provocatively silent. ‘I mean it now.’ Snake chuckled.

‘And yet, here you are,’ retorted Snake, folding his arms. ‘Again.’ Kaz made no reply. Instead he kept his stern, composed disposition. 

‘Is it him?’ asked Snake, his voice layered with malice.

‘That’s none of your fucking business, Snake,’ Kaz spat in reply.

‘What, you’re really leaving me for a fucking _child?_ ’

‘Don’t bring him into this, don’t you fucking _dare_ ,’ growled Kaz, fighting back a swelling rage in his stomach. Even if he wanted to pick a fight with Big Boss, he knew he could not win. He shook his head. 

‘It’s not about him. I just-’ his voice trailed off. Another silence. Snake leaned back onto the desk.

‘Kaz, Kaz who are you trying to fool? He sighed, folding his arms. He nodded and motioned the younger man over.

‘Come here, Kaz,’ he ordered. Kaz felt his body move instinctively, but held himself back, instead eyeing up Big Boss with suspicion. 

‘Come on, Kaz,’ he cooed, his voice tempered with a fond softness to it that Kaz could never resist. ‘Baby, it’s alright. I’m not going to hurt you.’

Every self-protecting instinct that Kaz had inside him screamed as his feet carried him to the man that had a constrictor hold on his broken heart.

‘Sit with me, baby,’ encouraged Snake as he stubbed out his cigar. In a haze, Kaz planted himself beside Big Boss on the desk. ‘Good, good boy.’ With a tender hand, Snake brushed aside a few stray strands of hair that had fallen to the side of Kaz’s elegant face. Snake leaned in.

‘Kaz,’ he whispered, his voice low and soft against Kaz’s ear. Kaz could hardly breathe. ‘Kaz, you’re shaking.’ Snake brought a hand up to cup Kaz’s jaw, tilting Kaz’s face towards him. He took off Kaz’s glasses.

‘God you’re so fucking beautiful,’ Snake sighed. ‘You’re so-‘ he pressed his lips against Kaz’s and began kissing him once more. Snake pushed Kaz’s frozen, pliant body, down onto the desk and climbed on top of him. Kaz panicked. 

‘N-no,’ he stuttered, unable to formulate a coherent train of thought. ‘I don’t—I don’t want to fight you.’

‘Then don’t,’ whispered Snake, ‘don’t fight it, baby.’ He thrust another predatory, dominating kiss onto Kaz, cutting off any reply that Kaz might have formulated. The panic surged within Kaz.

It was as if Kaz’s mind had been drained out of his body. Drugged by fear, his pulse pounded like a frightened rabbit. He wanted to kick and scream with all of his strength but his body, his brain would not respond. Everything short circuited. Trapped in this empty vessel, Kaz felt any ability to control his body bleed out of him. Instead, his body trembled as Snake drove his weight down onto Kaz’s comatose body. 

‘Oh God Kaz,’ Snake panted as touched the younger man. ‘I still love you.’ He began to unbutton Kaz’s shirt and forced his fingers over Kaz’s skin. ‘I always have. I always will. I love you _so fucking much._ ’ Kaz’s mouth hung open as he struggled to respond and protest. Snake tugged down on Kaz’s trousers.

‘Kaz, you’re shaking,’ repeated Snake, this time more aggrieved. ‘Stop it.’ Kaz’s face remained blank.

‘Kaz, stop it!’ he barked, to no avail. Frustrated by the lack of response, Snake threw down a hefty punch to the side of Kaz’s face. Kaz’s head flew to the side, hitting the side of the desk with a sharp thud.

‘Snap out of it!’ ordered Snake. The harsh, metallic taste of blood flowing and filling up his mouth brought Kaz back into some sentience. He spluttered and chocked as he tried desperately to turn his face to look at the man he had loved. Snake grabbed Kaz’s hair by the side of his temples and dashed his head against the desk again before bringing Kaz’s face up to his own.

‘Come on,’ growled Snake, ‘pull yourself together you fucking whore! You don’t get to blank out of this, you don’t get to escape if _I can’t!_ ’ Catching eye contact with Snake, Kaz felt himself regain some control over his body. 

‘L-let me go,’ he slurred with burning fury. He spat in Snake’s face.

Stunned at the sudden face full of blood and spit, Snake leaned back from Kaz. Released from Snake’s talons, Kaz propelled himself off from the desk, grabbing his sunglasses and hurling them into his jacket pocket as he lunged towards the door. A tight grip on his sleeve tugged him back forcefully and he fell to the ground. Kaz clawed at the floorboards as the weight of Big Boss dragged him back. 

‘No,’ he gasped. ‘No!’

Snake dug his knee into the small of Kaz’s back and straddled him, leaning his head down so that he was face to face with the younger man. Kaz felt powerful fingers entangle themselves in his hair and grind his cheek into the ground.

‘Don’t lie to yourself, Kaz,’ spat Snake, his face ugly and contorted with a pained rage. ‘Who else is going to want you, huh?’ He slammed Kaz’s face against the floorboards again.

‘You ruin the lives of everyone you come near, you know that?’ Snake hissed. ‘All those women, your ex-wife, V.’ Kaz closed his eyes, desperately trying to shut out the poisonous words from his mind. ‘And your precious little fuck toy? You’re ruining him too. You’re driving him into the fucking ground, you reckless little _slut._ ’ Snake tugged at Kaz’s hair and leaned his forehead against Kaz’s.

‘Look at me when I’m talking to you, Kazuhira,’ he growled. ‘ _Look at me!_ ’ Kaz wrenched his eyes open.

‘You and me?’ continued Snake, his voice crazed. ‘We belong together. We’re just as broken and we’re just as fucked up in the head as each other. You broke me and I broke you. We can’t get any lower, we can’t.’ His chest heaved.

‘Nobody will understand you like I do, baby. Nobody will love you like I do. Don’t bullshit me, Kaz, you need me. Without me you are nothing.’ Kaz watched as he saw tears form at the side of Snake’s eye as he thrust Kaz’s face against the floor once more. Kaz could hear Snake weeping as he began to beat the senses out of Kaz.

‘Why did you make me do this to you, Kaz?’ Snake cried, Snake’s voice echoing in Kaz’s ears as he felt himself black out.

‘Why did you make me do this? _’_

_Kaz shut his eyes._


	17. Stay

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> David finds Kaz after his meeting with Big Boss.

David pressed down on the buzzer outside of Kaz’s apartment building.

‘ _Fuck off, there’s nobody home_ ,’ slurred the voice down the intercom.

‘Ummm, Kaz?’ replied David, unsure whether to correct his master or not. ‘Kaz it’s me.’

‘Oh, David,’ responded Kaz. ‘Sorry about that, come on up.’ The door clicked and David made his way up to Kaz’s apartment. 

After climbing the stairs, David knocked on the door. He was greeted by a very disheveled looking Kaz. Holding a tumbler of whiskey in one hand, Kaz leaned his weight onto the door handle. His body swayed gently as Kaz struggled to keep his balance. There was no light coming from inside. Clearly, he was drunk.

‘Ummm, Kaz,’ began David, eyeing his master suspiciously. ‘Are you OK?’ Kaz pursed his lips pensively, his clouded head trying to formulate an appropriate response.

‘No,’ admitted Kaz casually, ‘not really.’ He took a swig of his drink and spat it back out immediately. ‘This whiskey tastes terrible.’ David eyed the glass, the liquid tinged red.

‘Kaz, are you bleeding?’ he asked, his eyes widening in alarm. Kaz raised his eyebrows in response, startled and looking briefly down at his body for any blood. David cleared his throat and, catching Kaz’s attention, nodded his head to the glass. Kaz’s eyes followed.

‘Hmm,’ pondered Kaz, sucking on his lip. ‘I suppose I am. That would explain the whiskey.’ He looked back at David and let out a tired, yielding smile. His expression softened.

‘Come on in, David,’ he muttered. He ambled over to the kitchen. ‘Take a seat, I’ll be with you in a moment.’ 

David sat uncomfortably in his armchair. When he decided to visit Master Miller, this was not what he had in mind. He looked around Kaz’s living room. In the corner he noticed that Kaz had unplugged his telephone. David hummed to himself- no wonder he hadn’t been answering David’s calls all day. 

The ash tray was powdered in cigarette butts, all roughly stubbed out. The curtains were drawn, the room dark and clouded with the scent of smoke and alcohol. David switched on a nearby lamp and opened a window, returning to his seat. He heard Kaz spit into the kitchen sink.

‘David, can I get you a drink?’ called Kaz from the kitchen. David thought for a moment. Usually he would jump at any opportunity to get drunk with his master; from experience it was one of his favourite things to do. But tonight something seemed different.

‘I think I’ll give it a miss,’ answered David. He turned around in his chair and faced the kitchen. ‘Hey Kaz, are you-‘ He paused as he saw the silhouette of his master emerge from the doorway. As Kaz switched off the light from the kitchen, the warm amber glow of the lamp fell upon a weary, beaten face.

‘In that case, kiddo, could you do me a favour?’ asked Kaz tentatively. David tilted his head, squinting his eyes to get a closer look of Kaz’s face.

‘Sure thing, whatever you like.’ Kaz hobbled over towards David. He planted a large, half empty bottle of whiskey onto the table with a heavy thud before slumping onto the sofa and rubbing his eyes under his glasses.

‘Could you take that bottle away from me please?’ His voice was tempered with an awkward humility. He sighed deeply. ‘And, uh, any others that you come across, I should really stop drinking.’

David frowned gently in concern. He had been drunk and reckless with Kaz many times, but he had never seen him look so worn down.

‘Alright, I can do that for you,’ replied David kindly.

‘Thanks.’ A brief silence. David trailed his eyes over his master. Reclined back, his long legs lay heavy, one knee bent, the other hanging off the side of the sofa. He hung a leaden arm over his head, his hand anchored onto his hairline, pressing small circles into his temples. His neck was stretched out as the weight of his head dropped back onto the arm of his sofa. In the dim light by the lampshade, David thought he could make out faint purple bruises around his throat. He watched Kaz’s chest rise and fall laboriously. Clearly he was pained.

‘Kaz,’ he began, concerned. ‘Kaz _what happened?_ ’ Another pause as Kaz presumably formed a response in his head.

‘I-‘ started Kaz, before stopping himself. He sighed. ‘You know what, David, I’m not going to be much fun tonight. I don’t want to keep you if you’d rather go find someone else, I-‘

‘-I’d rather stay,’ interrupted David, more forcefully than he meant. He caught himself, adding, ‘if that’s alright with you.’ Kaz let out a small, appreciative breath. The boy was a puppy. He turned his head towards David felt his expression soften..

‘Kaz,’ repeated David, his voice tender. ‘What happened?’

‘David, it’s OK, I don’t want to burden you, just-‘ Kaz paused as he was met by a pleading look from the younger man. He could never say no to that face. In any event, Kaz figured that he deserved the truth.

‘Alright, fine,’ he huffed. He braced himself David’s reaction. ‘Do you remember that ex that I told you about?’

David blinked, anxious to hear where this was going. He nodded, prompting Kaz to continue.

‘I tried to end it. They uhh- they didn’t take it well.’ He covered his face with his hands again, pressing his fingers over his eyelids. He scoffed at himself. ‘Apparently I’m not taking it very well either.’ He continued.

‘Look, David, I’m really sorry to lay this out on you. I-I never meant to hurt you, I should have known better. I’m so sorry, I just-‘

‘-Kaz,’ said David calmly, his expression sincere and collected. ‘It’s OK. I’m- I’m not upset.’ A pause.

‘David, I appreciate what you’re trying to do, but you don’t need to pretend you’re alright.’

‘I’m not pretending,’ replied David, trying to remain calm and hold his ground. ‘Look, I know that I’m younger than you and you’re trying to protect me, but it- it doesn’t work that way.

‘You told me from the start, you warned me. I went into this knowing that you were never going to feel the same. That choice was mine to make and-’ David let out a small sigh. ‘And I chose you.’ 

That was only half a lie. Kaz had warned him. In fact, he had tried everything to push David away- even if he was drunk, David remembered more of that night than he cared to admit. 

And yet- even if David knew that this was coming, even if he knew what he was getting into- it still hurt. He wasn’t sure if it was jealousy that his lover had been in love with someone else, or just sadness that Kaz would not love him back. Either way, one thing was- and always would be-certain: Kaz would have David’s irrevocable devotion. Even if it meant that David would get hurt; even if it meant that he would get nothing in return. David was well aware of this by now. And he had spent enough time fixating over it in his head, but that did nothing to change his mind. The truth was that he couldn’t help it. He had no choice. He sighed.

‘David,’ tried Kaz, ‘David it’s not like that, it’s just-‘ His voice trailed off as he struggled to find the right words. 

‘I guess,’ concluded David, ‘maybe people just don’t belong to each other. I’ll never be yours and you’ll never be mine. And I’ll just have to accept that, no matter how it much hurts. I don’t resent you for that.’

Kaz felt his heart sink for the boy before him. Kaz lowered his gaze in shame. _What had he done?_ Kaz wanted nothing more than to hold David close and show him that he was wrong. Tell David that the sadness that he couldn’t hide was heartbreaking and that the problem was never David. Kaz wished desperately that he had something left inside to offer to the man before him, but he had nothing.

_Snake was right_ , Kaz thought to himself- he was ruining the very person that he had meant to protect. 

‘I led you on and you deserve better- a lot better. I’m sorry,’ replied Kaz, dropping his gaze. His voice was low and solemn. ‘If you want to leave, I won’t blame you.‘ A short silence settled between the men. David shook his head.

David got up from the armchair and walked towards Kaz. He kneeled beside his master, resting the side of his head against the arm of the sofa. His face hovered close to Kaz’s. He brought a hand to his master’s face, running his thumb tenderly over his master’s cheekbones. He gently tilted Kaz’s head to face him, taking care not to hurt him. Kind fingertips brushed away a few strands of Kaz’s hair that had fallen by the side of his face.

For all of this time he had heralded his master as someone great: powerful, magnificent, and statuesque. He had come to admire and venerate his master with every fiber of his being. He stared directly at the clouded alabaster eyes in front of him. He could see the deep purple bruises that circled the bags under his eyes. Laid out before him, wounded and bare, David had never worshiped his lover more. He leaned in closer to the older man, tentatively ghosting his mouth over Kaz's. Kaz tilted his head forward, moving their lips closer still. Drawn together in their gravity, their kiss was slow and deep. Driven by a shared need for each other, they fell together in each others' touch. After a moment, David pulled away.

‘Kaz,’ he all but whispered, his voice filled with affection. He looked into his lover's eyes. ‘I’d like to stay, if that’s alright with you.’

Kaz brought his hand over David’s and entwined their fingers together. He squeezed his hand delicately in silent gratitude. He brought the hand to his mouth and gave it a soft, grateful kiss. He relished the feeling of holding on to his prodigy’s hand. He let out a mournful smile. He closed his eyes.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello all! Hope that was OK! Thanks to Bitter Little Pastry for putting up with me mulling over lines for aages.
> 
> Exams starting soon so updates are going to be much slower-- sorry!!
> 
> As always please feel free to let me know your thoughts in the comments below or say hello on tumblr! I always love hearing from you guys.
> 
> Thanks so much for reading!!
> 
> http://cryingoverkaz.tumblr.com/


	18. Stay Art by TunaPrincess-Art

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Fanart made by the fabulous Tuna Princess Art, linked here:
> 
> <http://tunaprincess-art.tumblr.com/post/145595050030/ugh-okay-this-is-for-cryingoverkaz-because-the>
> 
> Check out their art, they're great!! 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So lucky and spoiled rotten, thank you so much and I'm so sorry it took me so long to get my shit together and post this haha.
> 
> I absolutely love the attention to detail with the neck bruises. I also want to shove my face in Kaz's hair but that's no different.
> 
> Ily friend <3

[](http://s1377.photobucket.com/user/DrinkingPinkRabbits/media/tuna%20princess%20art_zpswzud34jj.png.html)


	19. Cold Wind

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> David muses about Big Boss and Kaz's relationship.

_It was cold outside._

David sat on Kaz’s porch, bundled in his master’s winter coat, his face pale and contoured by the moonlight above. Silver threads of light pooled onto the photograph that David held in his fingers before him. David had been sat there staring at it for hours now. He had lost track of how long he had been sitting on Kaz’s porch. Since finding the pictures of Master Miller David felt like he had lost track of most things. His lips were almost blue from the frozen air. His fingers, bare and exposed, were porcelain. Smoke and mist trailed from suspended lips, the end of a cigarette hanging idly. He closed his eyes and stubbed out his cigarette.

David opened his eyes. His lips curved to a frown as he blinked slowly.

‘So,’ he began, his voice low and taciturn. ‘So it was him.’ He raised the picture up and squinted at it against the evening light.

‘He’s the fucker that broke you.’ He placed a new cigarette in his mouth and continued to stare at the photograph. He drew a tender finger over his master’s youthful, hopeful face. His fingers lingered over Kaz’s cheek and for a moment he thought that he could feel the kind warmth of his lover’s smile beneath his fingertips once more.

‘God only knows what he did to you,’ he pondered, ‘how many secrets you took with you to the grave.’

He gripped the sides of the picture and ripped the photograph in half- one side with Big Boss, the other with his master- in one swift movement. He reached into his pocket to find his lighter. 

‘How dare he,’ he continued, flicking his lighter. His voice was laced with a rising, quiet fury. ‘How dare he hurt you, how _dare_ he.’ 

Lighting the corner of the photograph with Big Boss on it, he brought the soft yellow glow to his cigarette, breathing in the heat. Shadows dashed against the bags under David’s eyes. He felt the dim smoke cloud his lungs as his he inhaled deeply before setting down the picture in the ash tray he had set beside him. He fixed his eyes on the face of his lover’s tormentor.

‘I wish I knew that when I killed him,’ he muttered, watching the edges of the paper curl as the fire consumed Big Boss yet again. 

‘I’d have done it with a smile on my face.’ Smoke trailed from his cigarette lethargically as David relished the thought of avenging his master’s broken heart. His eyes, glazed with hatred, scrutinized every last detail of Big Boss’s face as it burned into away into dying embers. Within seconds Big Boss was gone. He waved out the last of the flames and flung the remains of the paper into the ash tray. 

David lay down, his cheek pressing firmly onto the frozen ground. His attention now fixed onto Kaz’s face alone, David barely noticed the rush of blood under his skin. He stared listlessly at his master’s smile.

‘I don’t care if you loved him,’ he began. His voice was just above a whisper. ‘I don’t care if you loved him more than me. None of that matters.’ A soft smile to his mentor.

‘He can’t hurt you now. I guess, nobody can anymore. I wish you were here so that I could tell you that.’ He continued to stroke the outlines of Kaz’s face fondly.

‘Kaz, I just can’t bear the thought of you feeling this pain.’ His eyelashes flickered, his eyes tired but fixated on the photograph. He continued.

‘I’d have given anything to just protect you and keep you safe. Why did you have to hide yourself away? Why wouldn’t you come with me?’

He lowered his gaze somberly.

‘God knows I’d begged you enough,’ he muttered.

‘If you just stayed with me, maybe you’d still be here.’ He paused. ‘Maybe we’d still be together.’ Another pause as his expression softened mournfully.

‘ _I could have looked after you_ ,’ continued David. ‘Told you that none of this mattered. None of this at all. That everything was going to be fine, and that with me you would be always be safe. That no matter what happened I’d love you all the same.’ David felt his composure crack. 

‘Because I do. I still do. After all of that pain, after everything we went through, I just-- I still can’t help but fall in love with you every time I think of your smile. And every time I think of your laugh.’ A short silence.

‘And even when you weren’t happy, even when life had finally broken you. I loved you all the same. And I- I don’t think that will ever change.’ David’s eyes began to well. Kaz’s face blurred before him. The cold, uncaring breeze tugged at the trails left by emerging tears.

‘It _hurts_ , Kaz. It hurts so much.’ 

David crushed the photograph to his chest and felt himself surrender to his grief. Blanketed under his master’s coat, his chest caved as he doubled over on his side and wept.

‘I’d have taken care of you if you’d asked me, Kaz. I’d have taken care of you if you’d just let me.’

Heartless, indifferent stars littered the sky above David. Unmoved by David’s pain, they glimmered in endless grace. The soft wind trembled over the back of David’s neck.

‘Why wouldn’t you just let me in? Why couldn't you just let me in?’

#### End of Part II

#### 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey pals! Thanks so much for reading, hope this was OK. Never quite sure how the more emotional chapters come across, so I hope it was alright for you guys!
> 
> I'm going to be travelling for around a month and won't have much access to the internet/time to write so it might be a while before regular updates start again. Sorry for being so slow/inconsistent with them! But I'm determined to keep up with this little fic until it's finished so if I'm gone for a while I promise I'll be back! I might try and fit in another little chapter before I head off as a set up to the next part.
> 
> Another note- if parts of this don't make sense or seem a bit out of place, that's probably because a large part of it is set up/foreshadowing for what's to come... Hope that doesn't put you off/make this chapter a bit weird to get into. Sorry if it reads weird/doesn't make as much sense!!
> 
> Anyways, enough rambling. Thanks so much for reading this!! As always, I love hearing from you guys so feel free to leave a comment below or say hello on tumblr at
> 
> cryingoverkaz.tumblr.com
> 
> <3


	20. Sanctuary

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A brief flashback to Kaz's final days in Diamond Dogs

#### Part III 

Hidden at the very back of Kaz’s writing desk was a letter that David did not find. The ends worn by time passing it contained a secret that Kaz had hidden from David. Kaz wanted to protect him from this painful truth and the sorrow that would follow Kaz to the grave. 

***

Diamond Dogs Motherbase, 1986

Leaving Venom and Diamond Dogs was the hardest thing that Kaz had ever had to do.

After learning the truth about Big Boss, Kaz lost his purpose. What they had built was a lie. Even if Venom could continue to live and fight on that lie, Kaz realised swiftly that he could not. Cocooned in the confines of each expanding platform, what was once a new home for Kaz and the man he loved became a prison.  
He had to escape. He would never be free in a life and existence encased in Big Boss’s sphere of influence. He needed to go somewhere where Big Boss could never find him. Somewhere safe. No matter how much of a monster Big Boss had become, Kaz knew that if he ever saw the man that he once loved- and, despite everything, still loved- he would not be able help himself. He would always go back. He needed to cut Big Boss out of his life and start again.

When there was still something left of the person that Venom used to be, they would plan their great escape together. Dynamic, energetic, hopeful, the prospect of freedom seemed to give Kaz life. He would listen patiently to Kaz motor mouthing in his old, higher tenor about how he had found them the perfect place: some place in rural Alaska, far away from the grasp of Big Boss, far away from the overweening watch of the world. Somewhere where they could be alone together. Somewhere where they could be free.  
It was one of the few times where Venom saw flashes of what, in his mind, was the old Kaz. Before he was gone completely, Venom realised that these memories were not his. This must have been how Big Boss had seen Kaz back in MSF, dreaming of a different kind of freedom. Big Boss must have loved him too.

Venom’s mind of his own, however, did not last. Kaz noticed and watched helplessly as the gentle voice he loved grew quieter. As their discussions became increasingly one sided, as Venom would forget their previous conversations and bring up memories that belonged to Big Boss and not him. Soon Kaz would stop discussing any plans of escaping with the man that was Venom. 

In the back of his mind, Kaz wondered whether this is what it would have been like had he stayed to watch his mother deteriorate. He figured that he’d never know- in his mind he had abandoned her. Just as he was going to abandon the only person who loved him selflessly and treated him with kindness.

He leaves alone in complete secrecy. He doesn’t tell anyone, not even Venom. It breaks his heart but he can’t risk it. He doesn’t know what is left of his lover. 

Kaz’s last morning on motherbase is like any other morning for Venom. Venom wakes up beside his partner who is, as always, the first one awake. Unbeknownst to Venom, Kaz had had no rest- he had stayed awake all night, watching the man he loved sleep for one last time. Kaz makes them both a cup of coffee and they discuss the mission and day ahead for Venom. Nothing special, just some intel gathering.

Pequod arrives and Kaz kisses Venom goodbye for the last time, holding him closely for just a little bit longer than usual. Kaz prays to whatever gods are out there that this is not the last time that he would see the man he loves. It is. He wishes in his mind that he could pause the moment. He can’t.  
When Venom returns, he returns to an empty bed, abandoned and alone.

That guilt will follow Kaz for the rest of his life.

***

Alaska 1986.

_V,_

_I’m here and I’ve made it. I don’t know how long I can stay here before they find me, but I hope that here we can finally be free._

_It won’t be easy escaping from his grasp, but I know that we can make it together. Come with me, V. Our secret hide out? It’s even more beautiful than we’d imagined._

_Leaving you was the hardest thing I’ve ever had to do. I’m sorry for the way I left things and I’m sorry that it had to be this way. I just hope that this reaches you before it’s too late. You are a good man, V. You don’t belong to him. You belong here with me._

_I’m begging you one last time. Please, please don’t go through with this._

_I miss you more than words can describe._

_You know where to find me, V. I’ll be here waiting for you._

_K_

Kaz put down his pen. His hands were shaking. He wasn’t sure if this was going to work. He knew he was risking everything by making contact—if Ocelot found out, or if Venom was too far gone then... He would lose his sanctuary. He would lose his freedom. But without the man he loved, that meant nothing to Kaz. He would not give up on Venom. In his heart, he couldn’t- he was in love.

He sealed the letter in an envelope and, wrapping himself up in a large winter coat, made his way to the messenger that he had made a deal with. He slipped the letter underhand to the messenger and hoped with all of his heart that it would reach Venom Snake- and nobody else.

***

A few months later

Kaz heard the letters slip through his door. Rooting through the usual spam, he found one letter with writing that looked oddly familiar. He opened it and found the letter he had written for V, neatly folded up. Alongside it, another short note.

_Miller-_

_You severely underestimate his intel team. He knows where you are and you can expect to hear from him soon. V will never forgive you for leaving him. Nor will the men._

_Ocelot_

And at that, Kaz had lost his sanctuary.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Aah I wrote this in a massive rush. Had some extra time at the airport and wanted to plug this out before I left for the month. Sorry if it seems rushed-- will fix the formatting/proofread later.
> 
> Anyways, hope you enjoyed it! It's based on this headcannon I did for an anon ask on tumblr: 
> 
> http://cryingoverkaz.tumblr.com/post/145348378527/give-us-some-sad-angsty-kaz-headcanons-v 
> 
> (btw feel free to drop me asks if you want, but bear in mind I'll be away for the month so I might be slow replying)
> 
> Feel free to let me know your thoughts in the comments or on tumblr etc etc.
> 
> Got to go now though, sorry to leave this on a semi cliffhanger/ weird chapter!! Hope you enoyed it!
> 
> Thanks so much for reading! See you in a month!
> 
> <3
> 
> tumblr: cryingoverkaz.tumblr.com


	21. Too late

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Kaz visits David before he goes on his mission to infiltrate Outer Heaven and ponders how the upcoming revelations will affect David.

David furrowed his brows, his breath shallow as he fiddled with the straps on his sneaking suit. He had been poked and prodded to his wit’s end by its designers, each adamant that the exceedingly tight suit needed to fit perfectly. Alone at last, he relished some time for reflection.

This was not his first mission-he had been to Western Iraq only 4 years ago. But in general terms he was still just a rookie. He had to put into practice everything that Big Boss had taught him, and everything that Master Miller had taught him outside the bedroom. He felt the pressure of their expectation weigh heavy upon his shoulders. He knew that he had been taught by the best and he was determined not to let them down.

The anticipation was difficult. David toggled a zip on his sneaking suit.

A gentle knock. David’s occupied eyes flickered upwards. 

‘Yeah?’

The door opened tentatively.

‘Hey, kiddo.’ David’s face lit up.

‘Kaz,’ began David, unable to hide the relief and joy of his surprise. ‘What are you doing here?’ 

Kaz looked over to the young man. Standing tall and regal, leaning back against the desk, he looked like a proud idol. Kaz held his breath. He could not quite believe how much David had grown right before him. He felt pride and fondness tighten his chest. For a moment his admiration of David was almost enough to calm his dread. He didn’t want David to worry. He plastered on a kind smile.

‘Just thought I’d check in,’ Kaz replied. ‘Told the folks outside that there was some things I needed to brief you about.’

‘Are there?’

Kaz shook his head. ‘You already know it all. I just came to see you.’ He paused.

‘How are you feeling?’ 

David looked at Kaz. His bright, ocean eyes glistened. Thick eyelashes fluttered downwards as David tried to conceal the fact that he was blushing and smiling to himself, uncontrollably smitten. Kaz’s eyes widened imperceptibly and, without realising it, he was blushing too. He caught himself. This was bad. Before Kaz could continue his train of thought, David gave an answer.

‘This suit is fucking ridiculous.’ Kaz let out a short, genuine burst of laughter.

‘I don’t know,’ mused Kaz. ‘I think it’s a good look on you.’ His smile widened. He drew his eyes over the arch of the small of David’s back, guiding his gaze to that perfectly full ass, framed invitingly by the criss-cross of the straps on the suit. He knew all too well how good David looked strapped up.  
David looked at Kaz and bit his lip.

‘I suppose you’ve had me in much, much worse, Master,’ he purred. The words drizzled off of David’s tongue like honey: sweet, heavy and dripping with desire. Kaz singed beneath his stare. Within seconds David went from endearing and charming, to predatory with pure lust. He pushed himself off of the desk and began to stalk towards his prey with expert dexterity.

‘Do you like me in this, Daddy?’ 

Kaz gulped as David slinked an arm around the back of Kaz’s neck. Forcing a leg between Kaz’s stance and rolling his hips against Kaz’s groin, David wrapped his fingers in Kaz’s hair, giving it a firm tug. Kaz’s head jerked back. David slinked his face into his master’s now exposed neck, coquettishly keeping himself mere millimetres away from Kaz’s skin. Goosebumps formed as David’s breathing unfurled over Kaz’s neck. David sank his teeth into his master’s earlobe.

‘Or,’ David continued, tracing his fingers over Kaz’s arms.

‘Would you like me to take it off?’ He took Kaz’s hands in his own. With slow, herculean control he steered his master’s palms over David’s heaving chest, around his sturdy waist, and onto the plump, replete curve of his ass. David’s hungry eyes trailed his master’s mouth before pushing a ravenous kiss onto Kaz’s lips.

Instinctively Kaz’s hands began to squeeze and massage David’s ass greedily, the material of the sneaking suit an irritating obstacle to the treasure beneath. He wanted to tear off that suit and suck his prodigy dry. David sighed as visceral desire took over and Kaz drove him back onto the desk, letting his hands roam freely over David’s chest, his stomach, his waist, his thighs. David shut his eyes as he panted and arched his body upwards in pleasure before interrupting their kiss.

‘Kaz,’ he uttered between breaths. ‘Kaz stop, I need a minute’. He pulled away. Kaz stopped. David opened his eyes, a hint of embarrassment colouring his irises.

‘What’s wrong, baby?’ asked Kaz, his voice gentle with genuine concern. David let out a short breath and pouted self-consciously. 

‘I’m-uh,’ he began uncertainly. ‘I’m so hard. I swear if we go any further my dick’s going to rip a hole in this fucking suit.’ He bit his lip and grinned at Kaz timidly. Their eyes met and within seconds both men burst into a shared laughter.

‘I swear you’re going to be the end of me, you’re so fucking adorable,’ growled Kaz as he bundled David into a close embrace. David nestled his head in the crook of Kaz’s shoulder and pressed himself against his master. Kaz placed a gentle hand on the back of his head. He stroked David’s hair tenderly. 

‘David,’ he hummed. ‘David you’re so lovely.’ David smiled into his master’s chest and nuzzled him fondly. Whilst David’s face was hidden away, Kaz’s lips fell mournfully. Kaz opened his mouth to speak.

_Stay here with me_ , he wanted to say. _Please don’t do this._ He wanted to cradle David carefully and keep him as he was. Carefree, full of confidence and promise, David was proud and free. There was still life in those eyes; a vivacity and energy and joy that had long since been lost from Kaz’s world. He didn’t want this mission to break his him.

He shouldn’t have dragged David into this. He was the one who trained the boy, he was the one who let this happen. He’d lose his David and it would be entirely his fault.

_You reckless little slut._

_You ruin the lives of everyone you come near._

_You’re driving him into the fucking ground._

_Whore._

Maybe it wasn’t too late, thought Kaz to himself quickly. David didn’t know his purpose. Maybe he didn’t need to know that he was the only one who could stop Big Boss. If he didn’t need to know that, he would never have to live with that weight of that on his shoulders. And he’d never have the guilt. He could take David away from all of this and together they could escape. Maybe there was still hope for his boy. Maybe it wasn't too late.

‘David?’ Kaz began tentatively.

‘Yeah?’

‘Are you sure you want to do this?’ A pause.

‘Hmm?’ responded David, languidly nuzzling Kaz.

‘This mission? This place,’ continued Kaz. ‘You know, if you don’t want to go through with this you don’t need to.’

‘Kaz,’ he hummed, ‘what are you talking about?’

‘Just say the word and we can leave together.’ He tightened his grasp. ‘I’ve got a place out of town, we could hide out and nothing would need to change, you’d be safe.’

David pulled away from Kaz, his face baffled. Kaz stopped in his tracks. He shook his head.

‘Never mind.’ David cocked his head curiously. The corners of his lips curved into a small, benevolent smile.

‘Kaz,’ he sighed, full of devotion. He placed his hand on his master’s cheek. His fingers lovingly traced over Kaz’s cheekbones before resting his thumb on those despondent lips.

‘Baby,’ David continued. ‘We’ll be fine. I promise.’ Kaz looked at David’s expression, more innocent and kind than he’d ever deserved. 

‘I’ll come back from this infiltration and we can talk more about it then, alright?’ concluded David. A pause.

‘Aren’t I the one who’s supposed to be giving the pep talk?’ Kaz joked, hoping that the humour would take away from what had just transpired. David’s eyelashes fluttered as he chuckled softly to himself.

‘Alright, alright,’ replied David, sitting back onto the desk and drawing his mentor in between his legs. He placed two stable hands on Kaz’s hips and looked up. 

‘Give me your wisdom, master,’ he joked. Kaz lowered his gaze. He was going to miss that smile. He let out a soft breath and rested his wrist on David’s shoulder.

‘I don’t know what to say,’ chuckled Kaz shyly. David grinned in response.

‘You’re going to be fine. Whatever this mission brings, you’ve got it entirely within you to make it through. Keep your head forward, don’t look back, and give ‘em hell.’ 

David remained silent, his gaze and thoughts fixed on his lover’s face. He brought his hand up to his shoulder and held Kaz’s hand. For a moment it was as if they existed in perfect harmony and Kaz could feel himself falling. David stood up and, keeping a hold of Kaz’s hand, leaned in.

‘David’ breathed Kaz, breaking their silence as they stood cheek to cheek. David hummed contentedly in response. He closed his eyes.

‘David I-‘ Kaz stuttered. ‘I l-’

A firm knock on the door interrupted the moment. Both men jumped, pulling away from each other.

‘Snake, we’ve got a few more adjustments to make,’ called a voice from outside. ‘Can we come in?’

David’s head snapped towards the door.

‘Just a minute!’ he yelled in response.

He turned his head back to face Kaz and, before Kaz could resume his sentence, hooked his arm around Kaz’s neck kissed him deeply. David latched his lips onto his master’s, lunging hungrily into that perfect mouth. After a moment, David pulled away, struggling to contain a smile, his dimples prominently giving away his utter infatuation. 

He ran his fingers through his hair, attempting to neaten himself up.

‘We’ll talk later, OK?’ concluded David. Kaz let out a placating smile and nod in response before heading towards the door.

‘Take care, David.’

He opened the door, letting in the visitor. He took one last look at his prodigy and the boy he cared for so dearly. He turned and he walked away.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Just imagine how uncomfortable that sneaking suit would be though. Like, the wedgies would be awful. And oooh what was Kaz gonna say??
> 
> I just got back for a few days! Wrote this in such a rush and on v little sleep but really wanted to post it for a friend before they buggered off.
> 
> Hope you've all been well and I hope that this little chapter is OK. I've had so little time and energy to write so I'm sorry if it's not particularly good, but I'm glad to be back for a bit and hopefully plug more stuff out.
> 
> As you know, I love hearing your thoughts. Feel free to say hello in the comments or on tumblr at:
> 
> http://cryingoverkaz.tumblr.com/
> 
> Thanks so much for reading! <3


	22. -

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> David reports back to Kaz after successfully infiltrating Outer Heaven.

Kaz had seen enough of his loved ones die. By now, he was more than well acquainted with grief and the steady routine that came with it. The news from HQ that David’s mission had been successful glossed over him. Either Big Boss or Venom Snake was dead. 

Kaz had already spent too much time and energy invested in those men. He watched one best friend descend from a hero into a monster, and the other fade away into a ghost. By now, there was nothing left for him to feel- no grief, no pain. Only silence. He vacantly lit another cigarette and paced around his apartment, knowing what would come next.

Even though the infiltration had ultimately been successful, Kaz could only anticipate the depth of the damage that was done. He had not heard from David since the mission. 

That was about to change.

The phone rang.

‘Hello?’

‘Kaz, it’s me,’ said David. 

‘David,’ sighed Kaz. That name weighed heavy in his voice. ‘Are- are you ok?’ A pause.

‘The mission was a success,’ David replied curtly. His tone was unwavering: professional and unsympathetic. 

‘Yes, I’d heard,’ persisted Kaz, ‘but are you alright?’ David made no answer. The silence was resounding.

‘Kaz,’ David all but whimpered, his veneer of stoicism beginning to splinter. Kaz clenched his fist.

‘Kaz, did you know?’ asked David.

‘I-‘ hesitated Kaz, unsure of how to admit his guilty truth. ‘I-‘

‘- _Did you know?_ ’ pushed David more aggressively. Kaz grimaced.

‘Yes. Yes, I knew.’ Kaz could feel the disappointment in David’s mute response.

‘I thought I could trust you, Kaz.’ Kaz lowered his eyes in remorse.

‘David.‘

‘-you let me train with that man,’ uttered David, wounded. ‘You let me get close to him, you let me worship him!’

‘David, I’m so, so sor-‘

‘-Don’t,’ cut in David. ‘Don’t say it, _please._ ' It was as if David was almost begging. He continued, resigned.

‘I’m sure you had your reasons, but I don’t want to hear them. I don’t think I can hold you responsible if you say you’re sorry.’ Kaz felt his throat tighten.

‘And I don’t want to forgive you right now.’ Kaz could make no response.

‘Look, Kaz,’ continued David. ‘I- I can’t do this any more.’ He took a breath.

‘I just, I don’t think I can handle being around anything to do with FOXHOUND or this or- at least not for a while.’ He let out a soft sigh. 

‘The truth is I don’t think I can be around you anymore.’

Kaz remained quiet as the news that he had been awaiting sank in. Expectation didn’t make this any easier. 

‘You’re right. I understand. It’s probably for the best if you go.’ Kaz could hear David’s breathing become jagged over the phone.

‘Oh-' David sounded almost surprised. 'Ok.’ Another pause

‘Remember that if you ever need me, I’ll be there for you, OK? I’ll always be there for you.’ Kaz’s voice was strained, laden with guilt and genuine affection. 

‘Alright, David?’

David sniffled.

‘Ok,’ David whispered.

Kaz scrunched his eyes shut as he heard David begin to weep gently over the phone. He felt viscerally pained.

‘David? David are you-‘ Kaz’s voice trailed off. He knew fully well that he had really hurt the boy that he cared about so dearly. And it was too late to change any of that.

David took a breath. 

‘Goodbye, Master.’

David hung up the phone.

Silence.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> **THE END**
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> 
> Lol jk. There's still a little bit to go yet before this ends.
> 
> Figured Dave would feel a little used after finding out that Kaz kept the secret from him all this time. Poor kid. Sorry I couldn't think up a good name for this one.
> 
> Just a really short chapter, there should be another longer one coming up within the next few days! Heading off again for another week soon so want to get some more written and posted so I don't leave you hanging. 
> 
> Thanks so much for reading!! As always, I love hearing your thoughts so please feel free to comment below or drop me an ask/message on tumblr at:
> 
> http://cryingoverkaz.tumblr.com/


	23. The Fall (part I)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Stuck in a downpour in the middle of the night with nowhere else to go, David turns to the only person he knows who can help.

The telephone rang. Kaz squinted at his watch and idly wondered why he hadn’t unplugged his phone. It was 3am.

‘Kaz, it’s me.’ Kaz furrowed his eyebrows.

‘David?’ He hadn’t heard from David in- it must have been months. His chest tightened at the silence on the other end.

‘David are you alright?’ A reluctant pause over the phone.

‘Kaz, I’m,’ David began tentatively. ‘I-.’ He stuttered for a moment and then let out a short resigned sigh.

‘Can I come over? I’ll explain later, I don’t want to talk now. I just-‘ David trailed off. Another pause.

‘Sure,’ replied Kaz without hesitation. ‘Of course. Come over, I won’t press you for any details. Just-are you alright?’ His voice was tempered with concern. No response.

He tried again. ‘David? Are you OK?’

‘Yeah. Yeah, I’m—I’m fine,’ replied David. Kaz shut his eyes.

‘If I start walking now I can be at yours in… maybe an hour and a half? A couple hours? I’ve got a big bag and the rain might slow me down,’ continued David. ‘But I can-‘

‘-David don’t be ridiculous,’ interrupted Kaz. There was an urgency in his voice. ‘I can come pick you up. Where are you?’ David described where he was and Kaz hummed in response.

‘Ok. Stay there, I’ll be with you in 20.’ Kaz hung up the phone, grabbed his keys and dashed to the car, returning to pick up a spare coat for David.

***

The evening air was dense. Heavy rain surged down onto the windshield, the wipers doing little to swipe away the blurred screen of water. Nonetheless, Kaz was determined to reach David as soon as possible. 

By the time Kaz arrived, David was drenched. The ochre light of a nearby streetlamp pooled where David stood, now indifferent to rain around him, already saturated by the downpour. Swathed by an unforgiving sheet of rain, his hair clung desperately to his forehead.

Kaz pulled up and parked beside him. Bundling David under the lifted side of his coat, he shepherded David into the car. He took David’s bag and flung it gracelessly into the boot of the car before handing his spare coat to David. He shut the car door. 

‘God, David, you’re soaked.’ Kaz took off his jumper and handed it to David. 

‘Here, take this, dry off yourself off.’ David accepted the jumper and pressed it onto his face, instinctively taking a moment to breathe in Kaz’s perfume before ruffling his hair. He removed the jumper and gave Kaz a worn-out smile.

‘Hi.’ 

Kaz held his breath and looked at his former prodigy. His cheeks rosy and flushed, his hair feathered and dishevelled, David was immediately endearing. His face had aged during their time apart. The beginnings of grey, weary bags were forming beneath his still clear, piercing eyes. His broad, ample lips were chapped and parched, arching downwards into a gentle frown when David was at rest. Soft stubble crept up around his jaw. David looked exhausted.

Kaz smiled kindly in return.

‘Hi, David.’

‘It’s,’ began David. ‘It’s been a while.’ 

A silence lay hefty between the pair as, without realising it, they both took a moment to stare at each other and process the feeling of being in each other’s’ company yet again. Given how they had left things months ago, Kaz didn’t want to drag David back into the relationship that had hurt him so badly. Where he had hurt David so badly. He couldn’t let that happen again- he had to let David move on. He cleared his throat and turned his head sharply, looking ahead.

‘So how have you been?’ asked Kaz.

‘Nothing spectacular,’ replied David, blasé. ‘Spent the last few months trying to fuck my problems away.’ Kaz let out a short chuckle.

‘How’d that work out for you?’

‘Not great.’ David looked over at Kaz. ‘I mean it ended with me calling you at 3am stuck under a fucking downpour so…’ Kaz shrugged.

‘No shame in that,’ Kaz remarked. ‘Is it something you want to talk about?’

‘There’s not really much to say,’ mused David. ‘Slept around. Drank. A lot. Managed to fool one girl into letting me move in just so I could get away from FOXHOUND. I thought maybe if I found myself someone calm and sweet and who had nothing to do with the army or anything it would help, but…’ he trailed off and sighed. 

‘It didn’t work out.’

Kaz glanced over at David empathetically.

‘I’m sorry to hear that.’

‘No, no,’ continued David. ‘It’s my fault, I was an ass. I lied, cheated, got dumped. I shouldn’t have used her like that.’ Kaz hummed attentively.

‘Well, at least you realised that now rather than later.’ Kaz kept his head forward. ‘It’s natural to want to find a way out. Just, remember that it’s never going to be that easy.’ David shrugged softly in agreement. 

‘The truth is,’ concluded David. ‘I’m tired. I’m so, so _tired_.’ Kaz looked over at David and nodded understanding exactly what David meant. They drove on wordlessly.

‘Hey Kaz?’ asked David, breaking their silence.

‘Hmm?’

‘Where are your glasses?’ Kaz lowered his eyebrows. 

‘My glasses?’ Kaz replied.

‘Yeah, you’re not wearing them.’ Kaz’s eyes widened in alarm as he brought a hand to his unguarded face.

‘Huh, I guess I must have forgotten them in my rush to get to you.’ Kaz let out a small, incredulous laugh before stopping himself self-consciously. ‘I hope it’s not off putting for you. I know my eyes can be a bit intimidating, I’m sorry I just-‘

‘-Kaz,’ interrupted David firmly, holding back a laugh of affection. ‘It’s fine. I was just curious.’ Kaz’s expression visibly relaxed.

‘How have you been, Kaz?’ 

‘I’ve been-‘ began Kaz as he squinted into the distance and spotted red and blue lights from afar. ‘Oh shit, the police.’

‘What?’

‘Time for a detour!’ Kaz swerved the car off the main road and steered onto a dimly lit, empty country road.

‘Huh?’ responded David. ‘Is something wrong? Are you in trouble with the police or drunk or…?’ His voice trailed off.

‘I’m not _drunk_ ,’ answered Kaz. ‘I mean, I was drinking before but that’s just-‘ he shook his head. ‘No, it’s not that, it’s my eyes.’

‘Your eyes?’ parroted David.

‘Yep.’ Kaz nodded and focused on the road ahead. ‘I mean, I’m not blind yet, but obviously you can see there are complications and, especially without my glasses, I just-’ He let out a small, frustrated sigh. 

‘I don’t want to have to explain myself to people who won’t believe me, you know?’ David lowered his gaze.

‘So you’re going blind?’ he probed, his voice laced with a genuine sadness.

‘Not for a while and very slowly, but, in a way, yes,’ stated Kaz calmly. ‘Traumatic cataracts.’

‘I’m sorry to hear that.’

‘It’s alright,’ replied Kaz. ‘I probably won’t live long enough for it to take its full effect.’ He turned onto another road. David frowned at the joke.

‘Ok, so I think I know where we are, but it’s just going to take a little longer to get back to mine, I hope that’s ok.’ David hummed affirmatively and they continued in another silence.

‘Look, David,’ began Kaz after a while. He kept his head forward, but from his expression David could tell that he was thinking carefully about what he was about to say.  
‘I know that we left things in, well I guess, a pretty bad state. I-‘ he stuttered. ‘I’m sorry. I’m sorry that I hurt you, and that I put you through this. You-’

‘-Kaz, it’s ok,’ cut in David, ‘anyone else would have done the same. Everyone else did the same. I’m not angry at you.’

‘You should be,’ replied Kaz. A pause. 

‘David, if you get the chance to get out, promise me that you’ll go for it. Don’t think too much, don’t worry about what else is out there for you. Whatever it is, it’s better than this.’ 

David tilted his head slightly, surprised.

‘You deserved so much better than this, David. You still do. I’m just sorry that I couldn’t help you escape sooner.’

‘Kaz,’ breathed David, unsure of how to respond. He looked at Kaz and then out of the window. The darkness of the evening and the cascading rain made this a pointless task. He couldn’t see anything outside but at least it meant that he wasn’t looking at his master. He felt his eyes creep towards the man beside him.

David took a deep breath. This was not good. He turned his gaze back to his master. 

_Look at those eyes._ David told himself. _Look at how tired and hollow they are. If you feel yourself falling, remember the sadness buried behind those eyes. Remember the ugly sorrow woven into the lines in the old, exhausted skin beneath those lashes. Remember how they looked at you with love and hurt you all the same._

_If you feel yourself falling, remind yourself that you will not be happy with him, and that it would only end in pain._

_You will not be happy. Do not fall for this man._

‘David, are you alright?’ 

Kaz, noticing the strange shift in David’s disposition turned towards David and looked him in the eyes, his stare tender with concern.

David’s chest began to heave. He felt himself falling and falling fast beyond his control. He felt himself tripping over the creases of his master’s eyelids and over every deep set wrinkle of his crow’s feet. David felt himself tumbling inelegantly over the pale shallows of those troubled irises, spiraling lower and lower into the cavernous depths of those mournful pupils as they looked at him, contracting to focus on David. He couldn’t breathe.

‘Kaz stop the car,’ blurted David suddenly.

‘David are you OK?’ 

‘Just pull over,’ continued David firmly. ‘Stop the car. Right _now._ ’

More concerned for David’s wellbeing than getting a coherent answer, Kaz pulled over onto the side of the road, making sure that they were safely out of harm’s way in the darkness of the empty road. In one swift move he switched on the light in the car to get a better look at David, who, to Kaz, seemed distressed. 

‘David are you alright?’ asked Kaz, worried.

The rain drummed powerfully on the roof of the car and the windshield outside. David sat motionless, his sapphire eyes fixed on the face doused in the whitewashed light of the car before him. His pulse raced.

‘David?’

David trembled. He undid his seatbelt and he leaned in towards Kaz. He placed his strong, commanding hands over the side of Kaz’s face and pulled him in for a slow, deep, devouring kiss. He pressed his rough, chapped lips firmly over Kaz’s, swallowing and basking in the familiar touch of his lover’s mouth. Entwining his fingers in the spun gold of Kaz’s hair, David caressed his master’s face desperately, eager to close every distance between them. He ran his tongue over the seam of Kaz’s lips and broke through, driving himself further into Kaz’s mouth. His tongue coiled and turned, winding itself with Kaz’s, determined to taste every last morsel of their kiss.

After a while they pulled apart, needing to catch their breaths. A string of saliva connected their mouths before breaking. The men looked at each other, both frozen in the heat of the moment. 

‘Kaz,’ David whispered fervently, his chest hauling with each breath. 

‘David,’ Kaz replied fondly. David shut his eyes.

When David opened his eyes again they were alight with blue flames of unadulterated desire¬¬. Breaking free, he shrugged off Kaz’s coat from his shoulders and, grabbing a fistful of Kaz’s shirt, lunged forward. He shoved Kaz back into his seat and clambered over to straddle his master. Spreading his legs over Kaz’s, David pinned Kaz back. He tugged and twisted at Kaz’s shirt before splaying his fingers and massaging his hands into Kaz’s chest.

They quickened the pace of their kiss. Kaz hooked his arms around David’s waist and yanked him closer, breaking their kiss to latch his lips onto David’s beautiful, inviting neck. He worked his way down and bit down hard on the sensitive skin just beneath his collarbone, pushing David’s t-shirt down with his chin. David let out a sharp grunt and threw his head back in pleasure as he felt Kaz suck a deep red mark into his skin. 

With swift dexterity, David undid the buttons on Kaz’s shirt and pulled it over Kaz’s shoulders. Letting go of David, Kaz shook off the sleeves and let the shirt fall and bunch behind his back. Tilting his hips forward, David crossed his arms over each other and began to remove his t shirt. Soaked from the rain, the material peeled off of his muscular abs. Immediately Kaz pushed a firm kiss onto David’s stomach, the force of his movement pushing David back onto the steering wheel and earning the men a short ‘toot’ from the horn. They both jumped slightly at the surprise, laughing it off as Kaz pulled a leaver at the side of the car seat. The seat flew backwards.

They resumed their kiss. Taking advantage of the new space, David pressed more weight onto Kaz, plunging his hips in waves onto the man beneath him. Kaz moaned into David’s lip, planting a firm slap onto David’s ass. David gasped and Kaz spanked him again. He then slipped his fingers beneath David’s jeans and squeezed down hard on David’s ass, his skin still damp from the downpour, pulling it forward with every roll of David’s hips.

David grunted and arched backwards, scrunching his eyes shut as his mouth hung open with pleasure. Kaz kissed David over his Adam’s apple, his fingers undoing the zip on David’s jeans. David began to pant helplessly. 

‘Dammit,’ growled Kaz suddenly. ‘I don’t have any lube or protec-‘

‘-side pocket of my bag,’ gasped David quickly. ‘Hurry!’

David clambered through the front seats of the car and waited on the backseat while Kaz followed suit, folding himself over the seats to rummage through David’s bag. David slid his trousers and pants over his thighs and down his long, muscular calves and kicked off his shoes. Kaz handed David the small tub of lube and went back to the bag.

‘David, I can’t find any cond-‘

‘- fuck it,’ interrupted David, yanking on Kaz’s trousers. ‘I don’t care, just- just get here now.’

David did not have to ask twice. Kaz pushed the front seat forward and lunged towards David, kissing him fervently as he made quick work of his trousers and boxers. David hastily handed the lube to Kaz before smacking him powerfully on the ass.

‘Come on,’ David gasped impatiently, before returning to their kiss.

Dipping his fingers into the thick, smooth lubricant, Kaz made quick and efficient work of fingering David. Spreading the liquid inside of David, Kaz crooked his fingers dexterously. David let out a short cry. Kaz scissored his fingers and began to rub his fingertips expertly against David. David hissed and let his head drop off the side of the seat, a long, drawn out moan escaping his lips. Gathering what little self-control he had left, he reached out to Kaz and tugged at his ponytail, pulling it in time with the thrusting of his hips.

‘Ka-aaz,’ he whinnied needily, as his hand fell to the side. Hearing his cues, Kaz wasted no time in responding. He gently removed his fingers from David and patted him on his hip. David rolled over onto his stomach and curved his ass upwards in anticipation. Kaz held his breath and pushed himself in. David curled his toes at the sensation, letting out a slightly pained gasp. Kaz carefully caressed David’s waist, wordlessly soothing David as he adjusted to Kaz’s girth. After a moment, David bucked his hips affirmatively and Kaz began to thrust. Kaz drooped his head forward in pleasure, taking a deep breath as he felt David tighten around him.

‘Hollly fuck,’ he hissed, digging his fingers into David’s ass cheek. David responded with a garbled moan, pressing his face into the seat beneath him.

‘Mhmmmm Kaz,’ he whined from below. Stuck in the awkward confines of the backseat of Kaz’s car, David’s arms splayed awkwardly on the seat, his elbow jutting out as he trembled with each thrust. He grunted.

The cold air around them was already thick and humid. David could feel the heat of his breath rolling over his heavy lips as he panted coarsely. The windows of the car began to steam up. David could feel pure pleasure winding and turning in his gut, crying out in ecstasy as his master filled him up at a strong, steady pace. He moved his ass enthusiastically in time with Kaz’s thrusts, eager to cram as much of his master’s dick inside him as possible. He truly had missed this.

Suddenly Kaz swooped an arm around David’s waist, raising David’s position so that Kaz could bend over and run his tongue over the curves of David’s lower back. As Kaz pulled in David’s body, David’s head flung back. He planted his hand on the window to stabilise himself.

‘Oh---God---daddy---yes,’ moaned David through jagged breaths as he felt Kaz’s hips hammer into his ass rhythmically . Losing control from delight, he felt his hand trailing slowly down the window, leaving lines in the condensation under his fingertips. He scrunched his eyes shut. He could feel the sweat clinging to his body, the humidity of the air too heavy as he-

-A sudden hard thrust.

‘Ah!’ called of David in joy. Kaz shifted his angle and began to hit David’s prostate with merciless precision. 

‘Fuck,’ spat David. ‘Right- there- right-ah!-there.’ 

From behind his prodigy, Kaz bit his lip in a lusty smile, relishing being able to drive David wild. Swept over with pleasure he sped up his movements, pounding David ruthlessly. He watched in delight as David struggled to stay upright, his thighs shaking erratically.

David’s palm thudded against the window with the sheer power of Kaz’s thrusts. Letting out a series of short, progressively high pitched gasps and thighs, David mustered up all of his self-control and turned his head back to catch a glimpse of his master.

David looked divine. His forehead was drenched in rain and sweat, clinging to strands of dark, ruffled hair. Full, red lips hung open weightily, stretching with each gasp. He clenched his teeth together and growled for his master. Half lidded eyes that rolled back in pleasure pleaded with the man behind him. And Kaz could never refuse such a heavenly sight.

Kaz leaned in and kissed David as they fucked. Their lips melded together frantically, each desperate to drink in the other’s gratified moans. They kissed and they kissed and they kissed until David broke away.

‘Kaz,’ he panted, ‘Kaz turn me over, I need to see you.’

Kaz peppered chaste kisses over David’s jaw, neck, shoulder blade before removing himself and flipping David onto his back. He pushed himself back in promptly and wasted no time in resuming his relentless pace.

Kaz leaned forward as David reached out his hand. David stroked Kaz’s face tenderly before seizing his master’s ponytail and yanking at it powerfully with each thrust. Visceral moans escaped from the depths of David’s gut. Without thinking, he brought his free hand down to his penis and began to jerk himself off recklessly.

Kaz could feel David’s perfect body tightening beneath him. David arched forward, putting all of his strength into wrenching himself to completion. Eager to see David’s beautiful finish, Kaz drilled into David’s G spot with abandon.

‘David,’ he called, ‘baby you’re so fucking beautiful. Cum for me baby. Let it go. Cum for me.’ Tilted on the edge of a mind shattering orgasm, David did not need much encouraging.

Thrashing his head to the side, David came with a silent scream. His jaw clenched and he wrenched his eyes shut as he felt himself spill all over his own chest. His whole body quaked with the intensity of his release. He whimpered as he felt his master ease off the pace of his thrusting. 

Kaz arched forwards and kissed David on his chest, licking up every drop of David’s semen. He sucked gently on David’s nipple before David tapped at his shoulder. David pouted.

‘Hey. Come here and kiss me.’ Kaz let out a small chuckle. He shuffled closer to David, kissing him long and deep as he thrust into David languidly. David ran his hands over his master’s shoulders, back, waist, hips and rested them on his tight ass, squeezing it slowly. He felt Kaz’s muscles tighten with each thrust and, eager to feel his master cum, he pulled Kaz in powerfully with each thrust.

‘Oh David-- oh God!’ cried out Kaz. ‘I’m gonna, I’m gonna-‘

‘-cum inside me,’ blurted David impulsively.

‘Huh?’ asked Kaz, taken aback.

‘I don’t care, just,’ breathed David. ‘I need to feel it.’

David continued to guide Kaz deeper and deeper with each thrust, encouraging him as finally he came. Kaz buried his dick deep inside of David.

‘Fu—cking hell,’ he growled as he felt David tighten around him. ‘David you’re so fucking perfect, I can’t-.’ 

Kaz collapsed on top of David, sated and worn out to his bones. His chest heaved as for a moment they lay tangled together in the backseat of Kaz’s car. David planted a gentle kiss onto his master’s lips.

‘Kaz,’ he whispered. ‘There’s nobody who makes me feel the way you do.’ He kissed him again. ‘You have no idea how much I’ve yearned to have you back.’

‘David,’ sighed Kaz affectionately. ‘You know I’m here always for you.’ Kaz kissed David’s cheek softly before resting his head on David’s chest.

‘Fuck,’ gasped Kaz suddenly, ‘are you ok like this, am I too heavy for you?’

David chuckled and stroked Kaz’s hair fondly.

‘You’re fine, Kaz,’ he reassured. ‘In fact, you’re getting thin.’ His voice was laced with gentle, non-threatening, concern. Kaz shrugged.

‘I’m just getting older,’ he responded, placating David. ‘I mean, next year I’ll be turning 50.’ David grinned, part of him loving the fact that he was fucking a much older man.

‘You don’t look like you’re almost 50,’ began David coyly. Kaz scoffed. David gave Kaz’s ass a gentle slap.

‘You don’t fuck like you’re almost 50 either.’ Kaz let out a genuine laugh..

‘Are you trying to flirt with me, David?’ Kaz replied. David hummed contentedly.

‘Hmmm I don’t know, are you trying to flirt back?’ Kaz rolled his eyes and pressed another deep kiss into David’s mouth to shut him up. Their bodies wove together into a blissful tapestry. After a while, they broke apart.

‘We should probably get going,’ mused David. Kaz let out a soft, joking grumble.

‘I suppose you’re right.’ He pushed himself off of David. ‘Ok hand me my clothes.’

Reluctantly, both men got dressed and returned to the front of the car. Kaz began to drive when his eyes widened suddenly.

‘I don’t have any food back at mine,’ he stated severely. ‘Shit, I’m sorry David, I think I have like, coffee, alcohol and cigarettes, but-‘ Kaz was interrupted by David’s ringing laughter.

‘Kaz you’re such a fucking nerd,’ he laughed. ‘I love it.’ He looked over at his master and leaned against the window sleepily. He placed his hand over Kaz’s as Kaz changed the gear.

‘Just take me home, ok?’ he mewed as he began to doze off. He squeezed Kaz’s hand.

For the first time in a long time, Kaz felt himself smiling wholeheartedly, without any fear or concern.

‘Ok.’

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> There's actually more to this chapter but I'm going to be very busy over the next week or so so it was posting the bulk of it now and the rest later, or not posting any of it for a while. 
> 
> Hope you liked! It's been a while since I've done a full on smut chapter. It took me ages to come up with how these two ridiculously tall men would fit in a car. I likened it to limb tetris to a friend. I kind of gave up by the end, please suspend your disbelief! Besides I'm sure they'd have to be *somewhat* flexible to fit in the cardboard boxes so...???
> 
> I read a pretty good book partly about intimacy which made me try and put more effort into actually describing shit... sorry if it's a bit waffly (like this note!), still trying to get to grips with it all!
> 
> Also the bit about David being tired was inspired by this part from Inside Llewyn Davis:
> 
> https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oM7etmdojwA
> 
> Thanks so much for reading! As you know, I love hearing from you so please feel free to say hi in the comments or on tumblr at:
> 
> cryingoverkaz.tumblr.com


	24. The Fall (part II)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Continuing from the previous chapter. Kaz and David return to Kaz's apartment and David talks about his struggles after infiltrating Outer Heaven.

‘Mhmmm sleeeeeep,’ groaned David as he leaned his head against Kaz’s back. Kaz smiled to himself as he rummaged through his pockets for his keys.

‘Urghh how do you still manage to keep doing this to me,’ he whined, languidly nuzzling his face against the fabric of Kaz’s coat. ‘Every time, I don’t understaaand.’ He placed his hands on Kaz’s shoulders, tapping them gently with his fists.

Kaz chuckled quietly to himself as he opened the door.

‘Here we are, David,’ he replied. ‘Home now.’ He felt the steady weight of David shift as they crossed the threshold. Immediately David zipped towards the sofa and collapsed gracelessly onto its welcoming cushions.

‘No, David,’ laughed Kaz, unable to resist the charm of his sleepy prodigy. ‘David go upstairs, go to bed.’

He took off his coat and hung it up by the door before heading into the kitchen to pour David a glass of water. 

‘Here, have some water,’ he continued, leaving the kitchen. ‘Baby, go to bed, you won’t get any good sleep on th-‘

He stopped. Sprawled inelegantly on his back, David was already completely fast asleep. One arm arched over his head, the other hanging lifelessly by his side, David looked adorable. His head flopped on its side as his cheek bunched against the leather of the sofa, flushed with a slight blush from the warmth of Kaz’s apartment. His still damp hair was perfectly ruffled against his arm, and his thick, dark lashes fluttered softly as he settled into a deeper sleep. His neck stretched invitingly, the lines of his muscles defined and pronounced. Kaz would have kissed him there gently had David not been asleep. 

He watched David’s broad chest rise and fall tranquilly and smiled. 

Setting the water down by David’s side on the table, Kaz picked up a book and a cigarette and settled in the armchair opposite his sleeping lover. David shuffled on the sofa. 

He sat in silence for around half an hour before a strange gasp caught his attention. His eyes darted immediately towards David. David was, seemingly, still asleep. But something seemed different. His arms were pinned rigidly by his sides to the sofa. His brows were furrowed, his lips pursed uncomfortably. By his side, his little finger twitched. David held his breath for a few seconds before proceeding to take several short sharp breaths. 

Kaz watched for a minute as David repeated this process from the bed. He let out a soft sigh. He had hoped that David would be spared. It seemed that he was wrong.

As he walked over to David he noticed that David sped up his ritual. He began to whimper. Calmly and, avoiding getting too close so as not to startle David, he knelt down by the side of the sofa.

‘David,’ he whispered softly. ‘David, it’s alright. It’s ok. I’m going to help you get out of this, ok?’ David’s noises began to sound more alarmed.

‘It’s ok, it’s ok,’ cooed Kaz, attempting to reassure the boy trapped inside of David’s body. He slowly reached his hand out and placed it gently onto David’s arm.

‘Can you wake up for me, David,’ he asked, beginning to shake David’s arm tentatively. ‘Can you do that for me?’

David’s hand began to tremble in distress.

‘David,’ persisted Kaz. ‘David, can you hear me?’ He squeezed on David’s arm cautiously. ‘David, it’s me, you’re safe, it’s all alr-‘

David jolted awake with a petrified cry, immediately backing himself away from Kaz into the corner of the sofa and looking at him in horror. He blinked as his heartbeat sprinted. His vision blurred into focus. His gaze settled onto the man before him and he felt himself to calm down. He gulped as his breathing started to slow down. Kaz remained silent until he sensed that David was stable and ready to talk.

‘Hey,’ hazarded Kaz. David’s chest heaved. He let out a breath.

‘Hey,’ replied David slowly.

‘You alright?’ David nodded.

‘Yeah. Just- just about.’ Kaz handed David the glass of water and watched him attempt to drink.

‘So how long have you had sleep paralysis for?’

David opened his mouth to protest instinctively, before sighing, resigned and having no desire to hide anything from Kaz.

‘Ever since…’ David looked down away from Kaz, embarrassed. His voice trailed off. Kaz nodded understandingly.

‘Did your therapist teach you that trick?’ Kaz, lit David a cigarette.

‘What?’ replied David, surprised. ‘How did you know?’

‘Medic friend of mine taught me the same back in the 80s when I struggled after- you know,’ he waved his arm. Kaz passed the cigarette to David and began lighting one for himself.

‘Yeah she told me to focus on trying to control my breathing and work on small movements,’ continued David, ‘usually to wake myself up fully, but just then I was trying to get you to come help me.’ Kaz hummed sympathetically. ‘Thanks for helping me out.’ Kaz shrugged appreciatively.

‘Any time,' Kaz responded. 'Clomipramine?’ He inhaled on his cigarette.

‘Huh?’ responded David. A pause as Kaz looked at David’s face.

‘Never mind.’ He exhaled slowly. Kaz shuffled onto the sofa. David let out a tired breath before reclining on the sofa and resting his head on his master’s lap. His legs folded and dangled off the side of the sofa as he stared blankly at the ceiling. He took a drag of his cigarette.

‘Kaz,’ he all but whispered, his voice anchored in exhaustion. ‘Kaz I don’t think I can go on like this.’ Kaz felt David shake his head slowly on his lap.

‘What am I supposed to do?’

Kaz shut his eyes mournfully.

‘Everywhere I go, no matter who I meet, how far away I get from FOXHOUND I just-’ David brought his hands up to his head. He tangled his fingers in his thick strands of hair and tugged at it in frustration.

‘I feel like I just can’t escape, I just--‘ He let out a long frustrated groan.

‘I don’t understand, Kaz, I just. I thought that if I distracted myself then it would go away.’

‘The sleep paralysis?’

‘No, not just that.’ Another pause.

‘Oh,’ replied Kaz.

‘The night terrors, the noise, the thoughts, everything,’ sighed David. ‘I just want run away, I just want to…‘ his voice trailed off and he shook his head. His arms flopped by his side. Kaz placed a gentle hand on David’s bicep.

‘You know,’ began Kaz. ‘Sometimes I don’t think it works like that.’

‘Hmm?’ David turned his head to glance at his mentor. Kaz did not make eye contact. His face was solemn but infinitely understanding. He sighed.

‘I don’t know, David. I hoped that it would never come to this for you. Or that somehow you’d manage to get away but I-‘ he paused. ‘I guess I was wrong.’ David stared at his master with piercing, unbreakable sapphire eyes.

‘Look, I’ll be honest with you, David. That feeling, that pain? It won’t leave you. It- it stays with you wherever you go, whatever you do.’ David felt Kaz’s grip tighten slightly. He brought his hand over his chest and folded it over Kaz’s. Kaz continued.

‘And you can try and run away. I know, and God only knows I’ve tried. You fill your life up with distractions: adventures, looking for a meaning that’s just not there; even falling in love… But that won’t make it go away. Sometimes I don’t think anything will. 

‘Sure, there are nice distractions and maybe sometimes you’ll even think that you’re happy but… it always comes back. And if you ignore it, you just… I don’t know. You’ll always find yourself disappointed.’ He took a drag of his cigarette. He spoke candidly and earnestly. David had received a lot of advice and guidance from Kaz over the last few years, but he had never heard Kaz sound so bare.

‘I guess the truth is that it’s part of you. The part of you they broke. And it’ll be there, in your mind or right by your side wherever you go. You can’t outrun yourself, David.’ He took a drag of his cigarette. ‘It- it doesn’t get you anywhere. You’ll only end up tired.’ David took his gaze off of his master and turned his face to the side.

‘Fuck me, that’s depressing.’ Kaz scoffed in agreement.

‘It’s,’ began Kaz. ‘It’s alright. Sometimes I feel like half the battle is just realizing that. Once you know yourself, and once you stop running, it- it’s ok. You just do what you need to do to face these truths and keep going and, it gets easier.’ David did not look at Kaz.

‘Really?’ Kaz kept his eyes forward. They seemed distant and absent minded.

‘Yeah.’ Kaz removed his hand from David’s grasp. He felt a dull ache in his chest as he wondered if there would ever be a time where he stopped lying to the boy he cared for so dearly. He hoped desperately that David would not suffer the same fate. David looked at the ceiling as his head lulled in his master’s lap.

‘I really thought I would be happy here with you.’ Kaz made no reply. 

‘I mean,’ he continued, ‘I think I am. I missed you like hell when we were apart. And when we’re together everything seems right, and I feel like I’ve got a direction, but sometimes…’ He trailed off. Kaz nodded and hummed reassuringly.

‘I understand,’ replied Kaz. ‘There’s more to your life than just this, David. Trust me on this- if you stayed for too long you would only come to resent it.’ David furrowed his eyebrows in contemplation. Kaz watched his expression turn to hopelessness.

‘I don’t want to resent you, Kaz,’ he said solemnly. ‘Sometimes I feel like you’re all that I have.’ 

Kaz ran his fingers through David’s hair. He remained silent for a moment.

‘Well, if it’s any help,’ replied Kaz. ‘You’ll always have me.’ David looked up at Kaz’s graceful face, his blank stare gilded with expectation.

‘Really?’ pushed David. Kaz kept looking forward. Lying to David never got easier.

‘Of course.’

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey all!! 
> 
> Hope I managed to portray the sleep paralysis right/respectfully. If there's anything that needs flagging up about that please do let me know! Ditto with how David is feeling and Kaz's advice. I'm not 100% whether it's good advice or not, but hey, I guess he's trying?
> 
> Sorry to end their car sex on a downer. And sorry for the gap in posting this-- been working on my BBKaz fic, but don't worry I've always got Solimiller on the mind!
> 
> Thanks so much for reading!! As always, I love hearing from you so please feel free to let me know your thoughts in the comments or on tumblr at
> 
> http://cryingoverkaz.tumblr.com/
> 
> Lots of love!


	25. You

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> David contemplates filling the void left by the death of his mentor and lover.

_Who taught you to write in blood on my back? Who taught you to use your hands as branding irons? You have scored your name into my shoulders, referenced me with your mark. The pads of your fingers have become printing blocks, you tap a message on to my skin, tap meaning into my body._

_\-- Written On The Body, Jeanette Winterson_

 

David stared at the urn before him and let out a rough, short sigh. Sprawled inelegantly on the armchair Kaz’s sunglasses in one hand, a bottle of rum in the other, David leaned forward and placed the sunglasses on the urn. He had been sitting there drinking for so long that he’d lost track of what the time was. The curtains were shut, and the living room was lit only by the dim flames from the fireplace. Shadows flicked on David’s face as he frowned without restraint. His eyes were blank and heavy. He huffed.

‘Kaz you really fucked me over.’ He stared at the sunglasses momentarily and lowered his eyes, his dark lashes fluttering as he turned his head away and slumped back into the chair. He brought his free hand to his forehead and began to rub his head.

‘You taught me everything I know, did you know that?’ He scoffed.

‘Of course you did, you kinky fuck. And I bet you had a wonderful time playing the role of ‘”strong male figure” while I just worshipped your every word and move, like some idiot lovesick puppy.’ He paused and pondered his words.

‘Actually I guess that’s not fair, I’m the one who came on to you, I’m the one who followed. And granted, you warned me, but dammit that never makes it _easier_.’ He took a swig from the bottle.

‘You know when people tell someone that they were their mentor, they usually mean it in gratitude. Some days, I guess I do. But sometimes? Sometimes I’m just pissed.

‘Because the way we spoke, the things we did, the way you made me feel? I- I don’t think I can get them back. I don’t think I can feel that connection with anyone else.’ He rummaged around in his pockets and produced the remaining side of the torn up photograph with Kaz’s undamaged face on it. He ran a wistful finger over Kaz’s jawline.

‘Without you they’re just memories and all these memories do is- well they just hurt. Sometimes I think I’d rather just… forget.’ He bit his lip and firmly placed the photograph down onto the table, putting his lover’s face out of sight.

‘Kaz, how do I do it? How do I _unlearn_ you?’ Another mouthful of rum. 

‘I want to unlearn the feeling of your nails running down my back slowly. Unlearn the sound of your sighs as you buried yourself and moved inside me. The smell of your perfume, the taste of your bottom lip between my teeth, I just-’ 

He closed his eyes and sank back into the chair, letting his head fall back and drape over the edge.

‘The sight of you shutting your eyes and your mouth popping open when you throw your head back and call my name.’ He hummed to himself as he indulged the fantasies of his memories.

‘The curve of your neck, the weight of your body, the heat of you, the sense of you. All of you: you, you, you, you, _you_ , you’ve invaded my brain and annexed my mind, and for fuck’s sake I just want you to get the _fuck_ out of my _head!_ ’ He let out a pained grown.

‘Do you know how hard this is, Kaz?’ He looked up at the urn in anger and then turned away.

‘No, of course you don’t,’ he continued. ‘Because you’re fucking _dead_ , and I’m the one left here to just pick up the pieces and what… just _keep going_?

‘I’ve got to live the rest of my- granted, severely shortened- clone life, pining over you. Wanting you. Missing you. Needing you. Comparing every single person that I meet, I fuck, I love, to you and your fucking addictive ways. To the way that we connected like I’d never connected before, the way that you moved me like nobody else ever can. For fuck's _sake_!’

He banged the bottle of rum onto the pile of books with such force that the puppy, who was napping by the fire, jumped in surprise.

‘Sorry buddy,’ he mumbled to the puppy as it curled back into its slumber.

David reached into his pocket and pulled out a lighter and a cigarette. He shut his eyes as the smoke tumbled over his lips. 

‘Kaz,’ he murmured, resigned. ‘You really did fuck me over. Why couldn’t I just let you go?’

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey all!! Just a very short thing I speed wrote seeing as we haven't heard from present day Dave in a while. Hope you enjoy!!
> 
> As always, feel free to say hi in the comments below or on tumblr at:
> 
> http://cryingoverkaz.tumblr.com/


	26. -

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A short phone call before the infiltration of Zanzibarland

_December, 1999_

David dialed the number into the phone. His face was solemn. The corners of his lips were tugged down into his now default frown. He gripped onto the receiver anxiously. His gaze seemed unfocused and distracted, his mind restless for the guidance that he so desperately needed.

Working for the CIA, private mercenary work, even retiring to the Canadian wilderness, David had spent the last four years trying anything and everything that would distance himself from FOXHOUND. The only exception to this would be Master Miller.

Despite having been fucking each other for the past few years, the exact nature of David’s relationship with Kaz was as yet, undefined. Since David left FOXHOUND, they fell into a steady routine of writing letters and meeting up whenever one of them wanted the other. Enjoying the sex and each other’s company, neither complained about the ambiguity. After all, it was infinitely easier to use each other as emotional crutches than to face, confront and pin down their connection that went beyond their simple lust. 

With recent news of the kidnapping of Czech scientist Kio Marv from Campbell, David knew that this was about to change.

‘Kaz, what should I do?’

‘David.’ 

‘Tell me,’ pushed David. His voice was laced with desperation, assertive through need. ‘Tell me like you used to.’ He heard Kaz hold his breath down the line. 

‘David, you don’t have to do this,’ replied Kaz, his tone firm and clear. A pause. David lowered his eyes. 

‘If I don’t stop him, who will?’ 

‘David, you don’t have to go through with this,’ insisted Kaz.

‘Do you really think I have a choice?’ Kaz made no reply, his silence reluctantly affirmative.

‘Thought so,’ scoffed David.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Lol this is mostly just filler, the fun bit's in the next chapter


	27. Disorder

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> David meets up with Kaz after the death of Big Boss.

_So we fuck till we come to conclusions_

***

The intercom buzzed. It was 3am. Kaz didn’t even bother to look outside. He took a swig of his whiskey. 

‘David what are you doing here?’

‘Just let me in,’ spat David, ‘it’s fucking freezing.’ He shrugged to himself. He heard the heavy ringing of David’s footsteps up the stairs. He opened the door.

David leaned against the doorframe, a large, half empty bottle of vodka hanging leisurely from his left hand. He pushed himself upright, swaying softly on the spot. He looked at Kaz’s face, and then to the bottle of whiskey in his hand. David paused for a pensive moment.

‘You’re drunk,’ noted David.

‘So are you,’ retorted Kaz.

David raised his eyebrows and his vodka. Kaz tipped his bottle in response. David continued.

‘Did you know about the body double?’ 

Kaz turned his head and looked away.

‘You bastard!’ cried David. He hurled his fist at Kaz’s face. Kaz stumbled backwards at the sheer force of David’s punch. Instinctively he held his palm to his jaw, blood from his nose and his lip seeping through his fingers. Stablising himself, he wiped the blood onto his shirt defiantly and stared silently at David.

‘So you knew he was still alive?’ growled David. Kaz shrugged, his eyes veiled by his aviators.

‘Wasn’t sure,’ returned Kaz, his tone firm. 

David fumed. Gritting his teeth, he wrenched his master’s shirt with his free hand and slammed him into the door. Pinning Kaz back with his fist on his chest, the cold glass of David’s bottle clashed with the metal of Kaz’s arm. He paused for a moment, his eyes glazed with alcohol and fury as he stared at his master’s face. 

‘Why couldn’t you just tell me the truth?’ demanded David.

Kaz met David’s eyes with dignity, the intensity of his gaze unwavering. 

‘Did you really want that uncertainty hanging over your head?’ he replied sternly. 

David frowned; he hated that he found himself agreeing with Kaz’s point. It made him feel small. David tightened his grip on Kaz’s shirt. His eyes latched onto a thin trail of blood curve from the side of Kaz’s lips. He could feel the warmth of Kaz’s breath unfurling over the skin on his neck. Something snapped.

David leaned in. He released Kaz’s shirt and tangled his fingers in Kaz’s hair, pulling at it before driving a deep, ravenous kiss onto Kaz’s lips. Relishing the sharp metallic taste of his blood, David bit and sucked at his lip, trapping Kaz against the door with the force of his movements. He let go of Kaz’s hair and shrugged off his coat before bringing his free hand to Kaz’s shirt. He twisted the fabric in his fist and, too impatient to deal with the buttons, began to pull down on the shirt, ripping it apart.

Still knotted in their kiss, Kaz ran his free hand gently down he small of David’s back, caressing him and holding his hips close as David thrust against him fervently and attacked his lips. He slipped his fingers beneath David’s vest and traced his palm over David’s back muscles, digging his nails lightly into his skin.

David eased his weight off of his master, tugging Kaz’s ruined shirt off of his shoulders and hurling it carelessly onto the floor. Immediately he began to work on undoing Kaz’s belt, all the while keeping their lips together as they suffocated in their kiss. He pulled the belt free and kept it wrapped around his free hand. David broke from their kiss, impatient to move on and, taking Kaz by the wrist, led him into the kitchen.

Instantly David shoved Kaz onto the kitchen counter on his back, winding him with the force of his throw. Whisky splashed out of Kaz’s bottle, which he had proceeded to set aside on the counter. David placed his vodka and Kaz’s belt down beside it with a heavy, petulant thud.

Feverish with rage and desire, David wasted no time in tearing off his master’s trousers, bunching them by his ankles before yanking them off. Kaz held onto the edge of the kitchen counter as David dragged Kaz over the counter towards him and hoisted them over his shoulders. Kaz’s back arched compliantly as David buried his face between his master’s legs. He held his breath as he felt the wet warmth of David’s thick lips as they sucked on his skin. He shut his eyes and jolted slightly at the strange sensation of the alcohol that still lingered on David’s lips.

Brazen and without any restraint, David pushed his tongue inside his master, twisting and licking him mercilessly. A strained cry left Kaz’s lips. David undid his fly and swiftly shoved his hand down his own pants, jerking himself off as he ate out his master. The vibrations from David’s own muffled moans made Kaz’s chest heave. He clung desperately to the surface below, his body moving in waves of pleasure as David thrust his tongue further and more powerfully inside him. David felt Kaz’s muscles tense around his neck, Kaz’s legs dangling helplessly over his shoulders. Kaz shut his eyes and let his head drop to its side as he felt David twisting inside of him.

Pulling his face away from Kaz’s ass, David shoved off Kaz’s legs and let him fall with a short thud. Immediately David grabbed Kaz by the waist and flipped him over onto his front and bending him over the kitchen counter. Nonchalantly David wiped off his mouth and took a swig of his vodka, as he staggered over to Kaz. Holding the bottle in one hand and he squeezed Kaz’s ass harshly and dug the bottom of the bottle into the small of Kaz’s back, before pushing himself carelessly into Kaz.

‘Ah!’

Kaz let out a sharp, pained cry, tightening his hand into a fist. He bit down on his lip and took slow deep breaths. David let out a lethargic, pleasured groan from above Kaz, gently swaying his hips side to side as he waited impatiently for Kaz to adjust enough for him to start fucking him harder. He continued to clutch and massage Kaz’s ass, idly wishing that he had a cigarette to complete the experience.

He took a gulp of his vodka when, feeling Kaz adjust around him, he began to start thrusting at a strong, steady pace. He removed the bottle from his mouth, alcohol dribbling from his lips, and stretched his arm, still holding the bottle, behind his head. 

‘Oooh fuck,’ David spluttered as his head swayed back leisurely, ‘I just want to wreck that tight little ass, I swear to _God_.’

He reached out for Kaz’s belt and gripping it inelegantly in his hand, whipped Kaz powerfully on the ass.

‘ _Aaaah!_ ’ he gasped in a mixture of pleasure and pain. Hearing this, David bit his lip and grinned wildly to himself. He began to push into Kaz faster and lashed him again.

‘You like that baby?’

_-whip-_

Kaz pressed his face against the cold kitchen counter and let out a harsh, affirmative moan. David hit him with the belt again.

‘Let me hear it, baby,’ growled David. He took a swig of his vodka and watched Kaz tense up as the belt struck his skin.

‘Ooh-ah- God,’ panted Kaz as David pounded him and whipped him endlessly.

‘Yes-‘ _-whip-_ 'Yes-‘ _-whip-_ 'Yes!’

David sped up his movements, losing himself in his animal pleasure.

‘Fuuuuck me, you feel so good!’ he spat, running his fingers over the red beginnings of welts forming on his lover’s body.

‘And you’re all mine,’ he continued, digging his nails into Kaz’s skin.

‘All-’- _gulp_ -‘All for me.’

He placed the bottle down on the counter and, wrapping his arm around Kaz’s waist, lifted him up and propped him up against the counter.

‘Bend your leg for me, baby,’ he commanded as he repositioned Kaz. Kaz folded his good leg beneath him and rested it on the counter as his other leg supported him on the floor. David hooked his arm around Kaz’s neck and pulled their bodies together, pressing his chest against Kaz’s back as he pushed himself inside Kaz again.

Kaz began to moan helplessly as David filled him from this new angle. David dove his face into the back of Kaz’s hair, nuzzling his neck before biting down hard on Kaz’s shoulder. He lowered his eyes and watched the erratic rise and fall of Kaz’s chest as he panted with pride. He shut his eyes and ran his tongue along the side of Kaz’s neck, sucking at Kaz’s earlobe as he thrusted himself inside his master. He ran his fingers over Kaz’s long, delicate neck, caressing his Adam’s apple.

‘You like that, huh?’ grunted David. ‘Does it feel good?’

Kaz, unable to form any coherent words, nodded as he moaned.

‘You like Daddy’s cock?’ Another helpless nod and groan. David grinned and yanked down on Kaz’ ponytail, giving him more access to Kaz’s face. He drove a hard, possessive kiss over Kaz’s lips, tasting the salt from the sweat that had covered his master’s face. He licked the rims of Kaz’s glasses.

An especially hard thrust.

‘I’m in charge now, bitch,’ hissed David, twisting his hand in Kaz’s ponytail. ‘I’m the boss now.’ Kaz shut his eyes and focused on letting the physical pleasure mask over David’s words.

‘Oh fuck you feel fucking amazing,’ babbled David. He let go of Kaz’s hair and placed both of his hands onto Kaz’s hips. He pummeled upwards into Kaz with all of his speed and power. Kaz screamed in joy. The sound of the hard, rhythmic slapping of David’s hips into Kaz’s ass echoed in the room.

‘Call me Snake,’ gasped David as he shut his eyes and let his head roll back in his wild, untamed lust. Kaz bit down on his lip and screwed his eyes tighter.

‘Call me Snake!' demanded David, louder and more aggressive. Kaz curved forward as he leaned on his arm for support. He made no reply.

‘Don’t be so fucking passive, you bitch,’ taunted David. He pulled Kaz in closer and drew himself almost entirely out. He thrashed himself deep and brutally inside Kaz in one deliberate thrust. Kaz almost whinnied as he tried desperately to stop himself calling out for Big Boss. He hadn’t been fucked this hard since the 70s.

‘ _Call me Snake!_ ’ screamed David, releasing Kaz from his iron grip and spanking him with such brute force that Kaz’s leg fell from the counter and his torso dropped forward. Kaz stabilized himself on his elbows as David ploughed into him mercilessly.

Kaz mustered up every ounce of strength and resolve as he turned around to look back at his prodigy. Arched over and entirely lost in his mechanical, reflexive pounding, David looked like he had gone berserk. Kaz tried to break out of his panting to respond to David.

‘Just do it,’ David goaded, ‘fucking call my name.’ 

‘Fuck-ah- you,’ Kaz spat out, his head hanging loosely on his neck as David took over his body.

‘Goddammit!’ He dug his nails into Kaz’s skin and pulled him closer. 

‘Call-’- _thrust_ \- ‘-me-‘- _thrust_ -‘Snake!’ 

Kaz cried out with each pounding. He scrunched his eyes shut and bowed his head in agony. He took a deep breath.

‘Fuck you, _Snake_ ,’ he replied, his voice bitter and defiant.

David’s nostril’s flared in rage. Immediately he withdrew himself from Kaz and, seizing a fistful of his hair, lifted his head away from the counter and hurled him to the floor. 

Driven by a hurricane of desire and frustration, he loomed over Kaz and removed the rest of his trousers. He pounced on the man sprawled beneath him, attacking him with a desperate kiss. Straddling Kaz with his thick, heavy thighs, he pinned down Kaz with the force of his movement, clawing at his face and neck desperately.

Their bodies curved together as they ran their hands over each other’s skin fervently, frantic for each other’s touch. David cupped Kaz’s face, his fingers tracing Kaz’s cheekbones mournfully. Kaz looked into David’s eyes and for a brief moment he thought he could see a sadness, sorrowful and real lurking behind the anger. His thoughts were interrupted as he felt David wrap his hands around his neck and line himself up with Kaz once again. 

David squeezed his hands around Kaz’s throat as he pushed himself in and began to fuck his master once more. Kaz gasped as he felt David fill him up, his breath cut short by the strangling. 

Grasping at his master’s throat David began to shake Kaz gently as he pounded him abandon. He grit his teeth as he felt his eyes begin to well up in frustration.

‘Goddammit, Kaz, why can’t I just hate you.’ He pressed down harder onto his master’s neck.

‘Why can’t I just-‘ he shook Kaz again- ‘get you out of my head?’

David removed one of his hands and began to jerk Kaz off erratically. Kaz’s chest spasmed as he tried and failed to let out an instinctive moan in response. Instead, in desperate need of oxygen, Kaz’s eyes began to roll as his head lolled back heavily. Kaz whinnied and moaned with what little air he had left.

‘Why can’t you just get out of my head?!’ David’s hand moved faster along Kaz’s shaft. Kaz clawed at the floor in pleasure. He felt his eyes grow heavy as each blink became more and more cumbersome.

‘ _Get out of my head!_ ’ David cried out hopelessly. ‘Get out get out get out get out get-‘

David’s ramblings were cut short as he felt Kaz cum with a breathless shudder beneath him. He let go of Kaz’s neck and leaned his hand on the floor so that he could speed up the intensity of his movements, drawing out every last drop of Kaz’s release. Kaz’s chest heaved as his lungs filled up with air once more. 

David, edging closer to his own orgasm, continued to thrust recklessly and erratically into Kaz. Regaining a more conscious state, Kaz took of his glasses and stared at David. For someone who fucked with such power, there was a strange helplessness to David. His eyes wrenched shut and curved over his master, there was a grief woven into David’s face. Sensing this, Kaz reached his hand out to David’s face slowly, feathering his fingertip along David’s cheek as some strange reassurance.

Startled by his touch, David’s eyes shot open. He caught sight of the man beneath him. The kindness in those eyes was too much to handle. Feeling the anger inside him break away, David buried his face in his master’s neck as the intensity of his confusion and pain begin to flood forward. David shook as Kaz wrapped his arms around him, stroking David’s back as David inched nearer to completion.

‘ _It’s ok_ ,’ whispered Kaz as David’s thrusting became more and more erratic. David pressed his face into the skin of Kaz’s neck desperately.

‘ _It’s ok, David, it’s ok._ ’

A final deep push inside Kaz and David came with a long, pained groan. Collapsing into the arms of his mentor, David lay silently for a moment, his head on Kaz’s chest, taking in the warmth and the comfort of his touch. He stared ahead blankly as he felt Kaz run his fingers through his hair delicately.

Kaz broke the silence.

‘If you hit me again, I will leave you.’

David blinked.

‘Fair,’ he replied bluntly.

‘And,’ continued Kaz, ’this really isn’t a healthy coping mechanism.’

David let out a soft sigh.

‘I know,’ he admitted. ‘But—that man was my mentor and my father. He meant something to me. I-I guess you wouldn’t understand.’

Kaz made no reply. Another silence.

‘You know what?’ mused David. ‘When I die, I just want it to be simple. No fake deaths, no body doubles, nobody bringing me back.’ He continued to stare ahead into the distance.

‘I don’t even want to leave any trace that I was ever here. I’ll just disappear completely.’ David felt Kaz loosen his embrace.

‘Just one death,’ concluded David. ‘One death and nothing more.’ David’s words settled in the silence between them. Kaz shut his world weary eyes.

‘Same here.’

####  End of Part III 

#### 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Line at the top taken from Heartbeat by Childish Gambino.
> 
> Thanks for reading! Sorry if it's a little sloppy, I'm essentially just trying to speedwrite the rest of this while I still have some time for fic writing. But I hope you enjoyed it anyways! I've been excited to write this chapter for ages.
> 
> Special thanks to BitterLittlePastry for putting up with my mad lube ramblings.
> 
> As always please feel free to let me know your thoughts in the comments or on tumblr at
> 
> http://cryingoverkaz.tumblr.com/
> 
> <3


	28. At The Table

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> David has a series of distressing nightmares.

**_“Come back! Even as a shadow,  
even as a dream.”_** **_― Megara Herakles by Euripides trans. Anne Carson_**

*****

####  Part IV 

_DAVID blinks. His shoulders sink back into the steady leather of the chair beneath him. His legs feel heavier when they are up on the chaise long. The nape of his neck, bared, begins to stick to material beneath him. His arms weigh heavy by his sides. He keeps his eyes forward._

_The room is brighter than he had anticipated. Small, with white walls and a low ceiling, filled with lamps that feel like spotlights pointing towards his reclining body. He had always assumed that a psychiatrist’s office would be dark mahogany red, with green fabric and a man as outdated as the décor. A ceiling fan spins above him._

_He cannot turn his head nor move his eyes to see her face. In his periphery David can just about make out the corner of her clipboard, resting on the table. Pen pointed sharply, its tip pressing firmly onto the paper. He isn’t sure if he is resting or paralysed. He doesn’t have the time to continue that thought. She speaks._

PSYCHIATRIST: Nightmares? Her voice is slow. Her words float and hang in the air.

_DAVID watches the letters etched before his eyes._

DAVID: Sort of. _His mouth aches with the movement._

PSYCHIATRIST: Sort of?

_No reply._

PSYCHIATRIST: Do they scare you?

DAVID: _Flatly._ Nothing I haven’t seen before.

PSYCHIATRIST: That’s not the question.

DAVID: That’s my answer.

_Pause._

PSYCHIATRIST: Your dreams-

_David interrupts, a little too quickly._

DAVID: -Dream.

PSYCHIATRIST: Excuse me?

DAVID: Just one dream. Recurring.

PSYCHIATRIST: Close your eyes.

_David closes his eyes_

PSYCHIATRIST: Tell me what happens in your dream. Tell me what you can see.

*****

**SCENE I**

David finds himself on a narrow, dusty road in what he assumes must be the ruins of an old town. On either side, abandoned buildings with boarded up windows, walls knocked down. Rubble lying idly by his feet. It is the late afternoon. He can feel the warmth of the sun setting on the nape of neck.

PSYCHIATRIST: Iraq?

_David silently refuses to confirm this._

Unsure of exactly what his mission is, or why he is there, he feels an unmistakable compulsion to walk forward. His shadow stretches out before him in the dying light. His body is stiff.

His movement awakens the scenery. The steady beat of muted gunfire, surges in immaculately timed rounds. From the corner of his eye he sees faceless, shadows of soldiers scampering forward. They pause to hide behind the remains of collapsed walls, positioning themselves to ready, aim, fire, move forward. They clamber over the debris like light flickering from a dying candle’s fire.

PSYCHIATRIST: Tell me about the soldiers.

David can sense their movement behind him. As they whip past behind him, snippets of cold air pinch at the skin on the back of his neck. He cranes his chin to turn around and see the forms behind him, but his head snaps back. His body is bound by some unrelenting power, forcing him to look ahead. Some soldiers get struck by bullets. They stutter in their steps until slick and fluid, they fall quick movement, only to be stepped over by their brothers in arms who are repeating the same routine of actions: ready, aim, fire, forward.

PSYCHIATRIST: Then what?

The sunlight fades out and gradually everything is tainted with a static green glow. As if he is wearing his night vision goggles, with the colours inverted. The noise of the shooting grows louder and the shadows start to move faster. He can’t turn his body. His eyes dart to his surroundings. Silhouettes zip around him as they scale over the wreckage of the abandoned town and the bodies of their fallen. He wants to reach for his gun in fear, but the compulsion is unyielding and his neck is bolted forward. His arms hang heavy by his sides. All he can do is aim his head in front of him and walk forward.

The low, thunderous rumble of explosions catches David’s attention. The ground shivers and swells below his feet. He stumbles and falls as the world quakes around him. His eyes rush to survey the area around him. He watches the unsettled dust and debris from the ruins fly into the air. They cloud his vision as he gazes at the shadowy figures before him. The earth trembles beneath them and they tremble with it. Their movements lose their precision and control. He hears them as they call out in agony behind him. Their groans are guttural, spectral as, before him, David sees their bodies dissolve into the green static around them and fall to the gravel below.

He watches as he feels his own shadow spilling out in front of him, rising to meet him from the dirt. Spindly fingers reach over to him and slowly tear at his clothes. He tries to scream but no noise leaves his mouth. His throat is dry; he is silent.

_He is silent. He opens his eyes._

PSYCHIATRIST: A nuclear apocalypse?

_He is silent._

PSYCHIATRIST: Tell me more.

*****

**SCENE II**

_The set on the stage changes. The sky splits into scattered pieces and reveals a ceiling, walls, corridors of mirrors._

He is surrounded by mirrors, casting copies of his body into infinity. Clones or reflections, they are David’s exact replica. They copy David’s every move with just too much precision, following, stalking and sharing his fear as his movements become more panicked.

The ground burns beneath David’s palms. The world glows red. Flares of flames lash out and consume the skies. The torrid crackling of the earth roars around him. It is too hot, too bright. He has to get away. He has to escape.

PYCHIATRIST: Escape?

DAVID: Escape.

But there is nowhere to run. The walls begin to shrink around him, bearing down on him at a glacial but steady and definite speed.  
He runs to a wall and bashes his fists on its surface. His reflection hits back and the mirror fractures, each broken piece adopting another clone of David. The figures rush into him nearer and nearer. He claws at the mirrors, the mirror images claw back.  
David’s breathing begins to become more shallow, his head hangs in exhaustion. He feels the heat of the inferno waste away at his skin. His shoulders are raised and hunch forward, a dull ache throbs in his back and his temples. His flesh withers away and he grows old. Is this it? He thinks to himself. Is this how he dies?

PSYCHIATRIST: Is it?

DAVID: I’m not so sure.

With what little strength he feels he has left, he raises his glance. His eyes meet his gaze in his reflection. The myriad of duplicate eyes look towards him. The sapphire blue begins to drain from his irises. He watches the life in him bleed away. His hair grows wild and untamed. His right eye shrivels and falls away. 

‘No,’ he whispers to himself as he sees his reflection mould into the face of his father. ‘No, no, no, no, no!’ Fiery tendrils wrap around his throat and begin to strangle his cries. He feels something grab at his ankle and pull him into the ground as his cries die out into whimpers.

PSYCHIATRIST: And that’s it?

DAVID: That’s it.

_DAVID hears PSYCHIATRIST put down her clipboard. She stands up and walks towards the end of his chait. She is silhouetted against the light._

PSYCHIATRIST: _Bright_ Actually, it is all very simple.

_She raises her arms invitingly, as if she is readying herself to conjure up the answers DAVID needs out of magic._

PSYCHIATRIST: The meaning of all of this is-

_-zip-_

_A thin spiral of crimson glides through the air, unfurling as if in slow motion. Her body slumps onto the floor by his feet. A low, maniacal laugh from a figure in the doorway._

THE FIGURE: And here I was thinking that I was the inferior weakling.

_THE FIGURE stalking towards him in pleasure._

_DAVID tries sit up, but his body makes no response. He is paralysed. He tries to scream but no sound leaves his mouth._

THE FIGURE: Tut tut tut… Is this how you greet your dear twin brother?

_THE FIGURE is revealed to be LIQUID SNAKE. LIQUID brings a slender finger to DAVID’s face and caresses his jawline, his thumb stroking his chin with mocking softness._

LIQUID: They wanted me to kill you first and then bring the body for investigation, but…

_LIQUID hums. He speaks in a slow, pronounced, almost pantomime-esque British accent_.

LIQUID: You’re such a fascinating subject I thought it would be fun to experiment a little while you were still awake.

_DAVID’s eyes widen._

LIQUID: Of course, you’re completely paralytic but…

_LIQUID leans in and stares at his brother. His reflection stares back._

LIQUID: I know you’re still in there somewhere… Snake.

_DAVID watches as LIQUID pulls out an old, rusted blade at an agonisingly slow pace._

LIQUID: We’re going on a little treasure hunt, dear brother.

_DAVID feels his muscles spasm and tighten as LIQUID brings the knife to DAVID’s chest and forces it through his skin. He tries to let out a small grunt in pain as LIQUID increases the pressure. Blood begins to run down from his torso and pool by his sides. His hands are wet._

LIQUID: We’re going to find out once and for all what it is that makes you _LIQUID twists the knife roughly_ the “hero” of this play. 

__LIQUID drags the blade across Snake’s ribs and curves it over his abdomen in the shape of an S. LIQUID throws the bloodied knife into the air and catches it nonchalantly._ _

LIQUID: So…Where is the “good” in you?

__DAVID wants to shiver as he feels the cold seeping into his wounds._ _

LIQUID: Are you going to be a good little boy and tell me where to find it, or… 

__LIQUID digs the knife under the skin on DAVID’s abs and through his tough abdominal muscles._ _

LIQUID: Or am I going to have to find out for myself? 

_DAVID is unable to speak. Only his eyes can move. He glares at LIQUID defiantly. He has no idea what LIQUID is talking about, but he refuses to give the bastard the satisfaction of seeing him squirm. Their eyes meet. LIQUID shrugs._

_In one fell, brutal movement LIQUID pushes his fingers into DAVID’s large abdominal wound and yanks the muscle aside._

_If DAVID could scream, he would._

_LIQUID hums to himself idly as his fingers invade DAVID’s body, threading through his gut, seemingly unconcerned by the rush of blood flowing from DAVID’s stomach._

LIQUID: Doesn’t seem to be here

_LIQUID stabs DAVID’s torso and wrenches the skin and muscles away. He pulls open DAVID’s ribcage with careless, ruthless abandon, piercing his exposed lungs with his knife._

LIQUID: _impatient_ Not here either. 

_Pause._

LIQUID: _growling, frustrated_ Where is it? Where is the goodness in you?’

_DAVID’s lungs stutter and stagger as they fail to fill themselves up with air. He suffocates._

**\--You’re dreaming.**

_LIQUID begins to mash his fingers between DAVID’s lungs, the expression on his face wild and contorted._

LIQUID: Something’s wrong, Something’s… missing!

_LIQUID tears into the centre of DAVID’s chest, frenzied._

LIQUID: Where is it?

**\--Wake up, David, you’re dreaming.**

LIQUID: Your heart, it’s not there!

_DAVID’s eyes are fixed in terror on LIQUID, his hands and forearms swathed in thick congealing scarlet._

LIQUID: WHERE IS IT? 

_LIQUID jumps onto DAVID, his knees, legs and boots burrowing into and crushing the mess of DAVID’s organs._

**\--David? David?**

LIQUID: WHERE IS YOUR HEART?

**\--David, it’s ok, you’re dreaming.**.

_LIQUID latches his bloodied hands over DAVID’s neck and grips down. DAVID’s eyelids grow heavy._

**\--Wake up, David.**

LIQUID: WHO TOOK YOUR HEART?

_DAVID feels the breath leaving his lungs._

**\--David, David it’s ok.**

LIQUID: _screaming_ WHERE IS YOUR HEART???

**\--David?**

_DAVID shuts his eyes._

*****  
**Scene III**

David opens his eyes. The breath rushes back into his body. He feels his body, unharmed and in one piece, submerge into the softness of the bed around him. His eyes lull to his side. The room is hazy around him, but he can tell that it is dark, so it must be evening. 

Moonlight drapes in through the loosely shuttered windows. Soft silver lines run along his arms and over the bedsheets. He watches his hand as he stretches his fingers as relishes the coolness of the air. His eyelashes flutter as the clean, intoxicating scent of perfume swathes the air. So he is in Kaz’s bedroom.

His vision begins to focus. The room is too small to be the one in his apartment. So he must be in Kaz’s home in rural Alaska. He feels the weight around his hips shifting. He jumps, startled.

‘David?’ His voice is kind and gentle. David blinks.

‘Kaz?’ he stutters in disbelief.

Kneeling on his knees above David, Kaz brings a tender hand to David’s jaw, tracing his cheekbones with his fingertips before brushing back a stray curl on David’s forehead. 

‘You’re awake,’ he murmurs. A tired smile widens on his face. ‘Are you alright?’

In shock David reaches out for Kaz’s shoulder. He feels the warmth of his lover’s skin beneath his palms. He twines his fingers in the spun silk of his master’s hair and grips a lock of his hair tightly.

‘Kaz,’ he breathes again, his voic the desperate from relief. ‘You’re here.’

‘David,’ he replies, the fondness in his voice too reassuring for David. ‘I’m here, I’m here.’

He sits up in the bed and Kaz moves beside him.

‘Kaz,’ he begins again, breathing his name like a benediction. ‘Kaz I had the most terrible dream.’

Kaz tilts is head, silently inviting David to continue.

‘There was- there was this mission and, we had had this big fight a year before and and you left and we couldn’t fix things and then- then this mission, there were these people. I had a brother, but he--he was, but he killed you and he stole your identity and, oh God, Kaz I didn’t even know you were gone and then you were gone and I had to come here and, and you were gone, you were-‘

David stutters his words and tears begin to rush from his eyes as they stare in fervently at the man he loves.

‘Hey, hey,’ hums Kaz soothingly, ‘it’s ok. It’s over now, come here.’ He reaches out and folds his arm around David. David buries his face in the crook of Kaz’s neck. He feels the firm pressure of his master’s palm flat on his back.

David breaks their embrace to look at his lover once more. He blinks, ecstatic as he cups Kaz’s face and leans in for a slow, hungered kiss. He relishes the taste of his lover’s lips, as they weave their bodies together. He runs his hands deliberately over Kaz’s temples and cradles his head in his palms, threading his fingers through his hair. He leans is forehead against his master’s and closes his eyes, desperately happy.

‘I was so afraid that you were gone,’ David murmurs. ‘You were gone and I couldn’t find you.’

Kaz lets out a sleepy hum, his head lulling in David’s hands.

DAVID: _whispering_ I love you. I love you so much, please don’t ever leave.

_KAZ lets out a lethargic, dazed sigh. His forehead rolls gently against DAVID. DAVID begins to feel Kaz’s hair grow damp beneath his finger tips. His eyes shoot open as, in panic he feels the familiar warmth of blood trickle down his arm. KAZ’s head reels round and droops on KAZ’s shoulder. DAVID can see that KAZ’s eyes are dropping shut. DAVID cups KAZ’s face, propping KAZ’s head up to look directily into his eyes._

DAVID: _frantically_ No. No, no, no, no, no-‘

KAZ: _sighing faintly_ David…

DAVID: Kaz, no, please, stay with me-

KAZ: -I love you David, but you just don’t understand…

DAVID: _tearing up_ Please, no, I’m begging you-

KAZ: - I’m too far gone.

_KAZ collapses onto DAVID’s shoulder. KAZ’s profile is silhouetted against the moonlight. KAZ’s lips ghost DAVID’s ear. KAZ is struggling to breathe._

DAVID: _grasping KAZ feverishly_ -Kaz, please!

KAZ: _faintly into DAVID’s ear_ It’s too just late.

DAVID: Please, Kaz, please, don’t-

_DAVID feels his arms cave in as KAZ’s body begins to dissolve into ashes._

DAVID: _crying gutturally_ Kaz, please don’t leave me.

_The ashes hang momentarily in the air before DAVID before collapsing bluntly in front of DAVID. DAVID buries his head in the ashes, weeping._

DAVID: Kaz… 

_DAVID wakes up and he is alone_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm sorry this took so long! I've been super busy and I also decided at the very last minute to reformat and rewrite it as a script just to see what kind of effect it had. What did you guys think? I had loads of fun writing it, but I'm not sure if it makes much sense at all. I have the original prose saved aside and I can post that as an alternative if anyone wants? If you have any thoughts on this different approach I'd love to hear them! I kinda think it sounds more creepy this way.
> 
> Anyways, this is a one off type chapter and I think the rest of it should be more like the earlier, normal stuff.
> 
> I'm also way too much of a wuss to read much gore so apologies if that bit's a little off.
> 
> Thank you so much for reading!! Hope this was OK. As always, I love hearing your thoughts so feel free to say hi in the comments or on tumblr at
> 
> http://cryingoverkaz.tumblr.com/


	29. No Words

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> David decides to surprise Kaz with a visit.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Please check the tags before you read this as this chapter contains sensitive content. Also TWs for vomiting and blood.

‘ _Fuck off, there’s no-one home_ ,’ slurred the voice down the intercom. David chuckled to himself. He had always had a soft spot for grumpy Kaz.

‘Kaz, it’s me,’ spoke David softly. ‘It’s pouring down out here, could you let me in?’ A pause as Kaz hummed pensively, before buzzing David in. David climbed the stairs.

Life after the fall of Zanzibarland was hard. Hounded by the trauma of killing his father, it was inevitable that David would revert to a state of slow depression.

David elected to retire to a life of solitude in the rural Alaska. He had ample money, and enough reassurance that he had peaked in his career to last the rest of his severely shortened lifetime. Put simply, he had had enough of social interaction. Enough of the validation, the praise, and certainly enough of the noise. All he wanted was quiet and isolation. He figured that if he couldn’t find peace in the vast, Alaskan landscapes, at least he would have somewhere to drink himself to sleep without any reproach. After all, if David was going to self-destruct, he was adamant that he would at least do so on his own terms.

And despite any lingering resentment that David harboured towards his master, he could not deny that he enjoyed having someone with whom to regress. With a seemingly endless of supply of alcohol and cigarettes, and with a shared, unspoken understanding of what David was going through, Kaz was the perfect enabler. He asked no questions of David who had no answers to give. All David had to do was call him and arrange a time. And they would meet, fuck, drink, smoke, talk. Whatever they did, for David there was a strange comfort and familiarity to be found between the sheets of his lover’s unmade bed. Trauma had left David jaded, but he always somehow appreciated that.

Today, David was in an oddly optimistic mood. Wanting a change of scene and some company, David decided to surprise his master with a visit. He knocked on Kaz’s door. It opened cautiously. What looked like a very groggy Kaz peered through the gap.

‘David? What’re you doing here?’ he mumbled, squinting at David in confusion.

‘I couldn’t reach you beforehand by the phone so I thought I’d surprise you with a visit,’ explained David, struggling to hide a small smile. Kaz was drunk or sleepy, or both. In any event, to David he was endlessly endearing. ‘Are you busy?’ Kaz blinked slowly and thoughtfully. David held up a bottle of whiskey and grinned boyishly. Kaz shook his head and opened the door and let David in. 

Kaz’s apartment was dark. The curtains were drawn and the lights were all off save for the small lamp on the coffee table. As always, everything was immaculately tidy. His records and books were stacked away neatly in their proper place. David’s eye traced over what looked like a bucket, out of place, kept by the sofa but shrugged it off as one of Kaz’s strange quirks. Perhaps he had just been cleaning. Whenever they spoke that seemed to be all that he did these days. Cleaning, smoking or drinking.

Dim amber pooled by the crumpled leather of the sofa. Kaz, who was leaning on his crutch, hobbled slowly back to the sofa. 

‘Ooh, Kaz,’ began David, ‘Did I disturb you? Were you asleep? Are you not well?’ Kaz paused and looked back at David absently. David couldn’t contain his fondness for sleepy Kaz. He wanted to bundle Kaz up and carry him to bed, but he held himself back. Kaz tilted his head.

‘I don’t- I don’t have any alcohol left,’ murmured Kaz drowsily. ‘You can go and-‘

‘Don’t worry about it, Kaz, I’ve got a bottle we can split here,’ sighed David affectionately. He felt his chest tighten. He could dote on Kaz for days on end. ‘I’ll put my coat away and grab us a couple tumblers from the kitchen. Go rest, I’ll join you in a moment.’

David dumped his sodden coat by the umbrella stand and headed towards the kitchen. Kaz shook his head weakly.

‘No, David, _don’t-_ ‘

David entered the kitchen and switched on the light. He froze. His eyes widened. 

The kitchen was spotless and eerily neat, save for the kitchen counter. Rows of empty bottles lined the counter, meticulously placed. The light blurred behind the greens and browns of the glass.

At the end of the bottles he saw a small paper box, white and yellow and cleared of its contents. The remains lay inelegantly before it. Two blister packs, emptied of their tablets were strewn over the end of the counter. Empty halves of capsules had fallen to the floor, scattered and motionless before David’s feet. 

‘No,’ he whispered to himself in disbelief. David heard violent retching from the living room. David’s pulse began to quicken, but he remained frozen as his mind suddenly pieced together what had just taken place.

‘No. No, no, no, no, _no_ -‘ he chanted, the alarm rising in his voice.

A sudden crash from the living room.

‘ _Kaz!_ ’ David cried as he broke out of his panicked paralysis. He darted away from the kitchen towards Kaz. 

Kaz’s body had fallen awkwardly on the floor beside the bookshelf. His body had twisted at his waist as his legs sprawled crookedly, his feet fallen by their sides. His torso was pressed against the floor and his hair splayed over the back of his head, covering his face which lolled on its side on the floor. His glasses pushed uncomfortably against his face.  
David dove down to kneel beside his master.

‘Kaz,’ he repeated, ‘oh God- Kaz, what happened?’ 

He reached a hand out to Kaz’s face. David’s fingers burned against the coldness of Kaz’s skin. Brushing away Kaz’s hair, David tilted Kaz’s face forward to clear his airways. The amber glow of the lamp settled carefully on Kaz’s body as it wilted under its weight. David traced the lines of his sharp silhouette, desperately watching the contours of his master’s stretched out neck for any signs of movement. Faded shades of and yellow clutched his Adam’s apple, protruding gauntly as his head draped against the rug below. His hair nestled softly beneath his shoulder. David leaned in closer to check for signs of breathing. 

‘Kaz, Kaz can you hear me? How much morphine did you take?’ 

He felt the frailest whisper of a breath ghost his skin.

‘David…’ sighed Kaz as his head rolled lethargically to the side. David cupped Kaz’s head in his hands to keep it stable. Instinctively, he ran his fingers over his cheeks.

‘Fuck, Kaz,’ stuttered David, ‘what have you done to yourself?’ He could see the wrinkles of Kaz’s crow’s feet widen as his eyes flickered as he dipped into a stupor. His breathing began to slow down.

‘David…’ he breathed again, ‘I’m sorry.’ His voice was barely audible.

‘It’s ok, Kaz,’ cooed David, frantically trying to revert back to his calm survival instincts. ‘It’s going to be ok, I’m going to call you an ambulance and we’re going to take you to get help.’

David watched Kaz lower his eyebrows in disapproval. His hand gripped David’s sleeve feebly

‘N-n-o,’ he spluttered. ‘I don’t, I don’t want-‘ His head dipped again, his chin falling to his chest. David put Kaz into the recovery position and rushed towards the phone to dial for an ambulance. When he got there he saw that the cord had been cut, the frayed ends of the wire jutting out at David mockingly. _Fuck_. No wonder he couldn’t reach Kaz. Part of his chest tightened- _how long had Kaz been planning this for?_ He pushed the thought out of his mind as he zipped back to his master.

‘Kaz, Kaz can you hear me?’ Kaz’s mouth dropped open as his breathing became slower still. David took off Kaz’s glasses and lifted Kaz’s eyelid. Kaz’s pupil had shrunk and become pinpointed behind its pale veneer. He checked the other eye and found the same.

‘Fuck!’ David spat to himself. ‘Kaz, no, please, stay with me.’ Hearing a semblance of David’s voice, Kaz lifted his heavy eyelids ever so slightly.

‘ _Please_ , no, I’m begging you-’ David stared directly into Kaz’s eyes. Almost unresponsive, there was nothing left behind Kaz’s vacant, expressionless stare.

‘Fuck!’ cried David, unable to push back his frustration. Figuring that he would have to take Kaz to the hospital himself, David began to bundle Kaz into his arms.

‘No,’ whimpered Kaz, ‘I don’t-‘

David prepared himself to lift up Kaz when-

**_-Bang_ **

Frantic to get Kaz to the hospital and surprised but his master’s seemingly huge drop in weight, David accidentally knocked Kaz’s head onto the corner of the bookshelf. Kaz was much, much lighter than David had anticipated.

‘ **FUCK!** ’ screeched David in sheer fury at his luck. With an alarming amount of ease David shifted Kaz’s weight in his arms to inspect the damage. He ran his fingers through Kaz’s hair and felt the familiar warmth of blood trickle down David’s arm and puddle on the floor. Kaz’s head reeled round and drooped onto David’s shoulder. He felt Kaz’s eyes dropping shut against his shirt.

‘No,’ he burst out frantically, ‘no, no, no, no, no!’ He grabbed Kaz’s keys and his car keys in his pocket and sprinted out the door with Kaz in his arms.

‘We’re going to be ok Kaz,’ he said firmly as he carried Kaz down the stairs. He blinked and took a deep breath. ‘We’re going to get you to the hospital and you’re going to get better.’

He felt Kaz nuzzle his shirt gently as he attempted to look up at David. He could barely open his eyes.

‘David,’ he whispered faintly as frail fingers trailed David’s chest. Sensing that Kaz wanted to talk to him David hitched Kaz up higher and leaned his head in so that Kaz’s lips were inches from David’s ear. 

‘David,’ he murmured between breaths. ‘I love you, David, but you don’t understand-’ His voice grew quieter still. ‘I’m too far gone.’

David bit down hard on his lip as he felt his eyes welling up. This was not what he needed right now.

David felt Kaz’s body slacken in his arms as he bundled him into the passenger seat of David’s car and put the seatbelt over Kaz.

‘It’s alright, Kaz,’ chanted David fervently. ‘It’s going to be alright.’ He trailed his hand over Kaz’s arm, squeezing Kaz’s hand before slamming the door shut and clambering into the driver seat. It had stopped raining now. The evening air was thick in David’s lungs.

As David drove he kept glancing back at Kaz. Slumped into himself, he had fallen unconscious. The light of the streetlamps as they flashed through the window dappled Kaz’s weary face. He almost looked peaceful, sleeping in the evening light.

David looked forward to the road again, reaching out to hold onto Kaz’s hand. It took all of David’s self-restraint not to cry.

‘I won’t forgive you if you leave me this way, Kaz,’ spoke David as he focused his gaze on the road. He tightened his grip on Kaz’s hand.

‘Please,’ begged David under his breath, as if his words were a prayer. ‘Please don’t leave me like this.’

With the gentlest of movements, David felt Kaz lace his fingers with David’s fingers in response.

‘Just hold on, Kaz,’ whispered David. Streetlights flickered over David’s weary face.

‘Just hold on.’

***

_I read once that the ancient Egyptians had fifty words for sand & the Inuits had a hundred words for snow. I wish I had a thousand words for love, but all that comes to mind is the way you move against me while you sleep & there are no words for that_

\-- No Words, from StoryPeople by Brian Andreas

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for reading! I've done my best to try and portray this respectfully, but if there's something I've not got quite right, or if there's a tag you think I've missed that is necessary, please don't hesitate to let me know and I'll change it as soon as I can.
> 
> I've been building up to this chapter for a while now... hope it's ok!
> 
> As always, I love hearing from you so please feel free to let me know your thoughts in the comments below or say hi on tumblr at:
> 
> http://cryingoverkaz.tumblr.com/
> 
> Thanks so much for reading!!


	30. About Today

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> David confronts Kaz about his attempted suicide.

‘Do you know this person?’ he asked. ‘Are you family or a friend or…?’ David did not make eye contact with the nurse.

‘Uh, no, not really,’ David replied. His voice was low and reluctant. ‘I’m- I’m a neighbor. I just- I heard him collapse and I uh-‘ his voice trailed off. The nurse nodded understandingly. David looked shaken.

‘Thank you for taking him here,’ he said kindly. David lowered his eyes. The blood on his shirt from Kaz’s head wound was beginning to dry and stick to David’s chest. He looked vacantly at the dimming spectrum of red that trailed over the fabric where he held Kaz close. The nurse’s eyes followed. He brushed his palm over his hip absent mindedly. 

‘Hey,’ he asked hesitantly. ‘Are you alright?’ David blinked, barely registering the nurse’s question.

‘Huh?’ murmured David. ‘Yeah, yeah I’m fine.’ A pause. ‘Can I- uh… Can I go now?’ The nurse looked at David with slight suspicion but overriding pity.

‘Sure, sure. We've got everything we need from you for now.’ David nodded and mumbled a quick thanks before turning around to leave. He was exhausted. As he ambled to the exit David caught a snippet of conversation between the nurse and a colleague.

‘What’s up with him?’ asked the colleague. 

‘That guy’s back again,’ responded the nurse.

‘Again?’ she parroted. ‘Poor guy.’

David quickened his pace. He got in his car and began to drive.

***

Everything was almost exactly as they had left it. Everything had gone by so quickly that David never really stopped to take in the sight of what an attempted suicide looked like.

David’s coat was still slumped by the door. It had had enough time to dry. The sofa was empty and the coffee table stood askew, knocked out of place by the force of Kaz’s fall. The bookshelf beside it lay crooked against the wall, circles of newly dried blood dashed on the wooden floor beneath where Kaz had hit his head. David’s eye lingered on the smeared lines of russet that led to his fading footprints. David checked the soles of his shoes. He’d have to clean those. He moved his attention to the corner of the rug. Clearing the blood from the wood would be easy enough, he thought to himself, but he wasn’t sure how he would get rid of the bloodstains in the fabric.

He hadn’t even switched off the lights. He squinted. Even their autumn glow felt draining. He walked towards the bookshelf, straightening the coffee table idly with his hand as he went. He wanted to turn off all of the lights, unfurl himself on the ground where Kaz had fallen, shut his eyes and wait until everything had passed over. He stared at the bloodstains and blinked. He felt his torso harden with resolve and push back any signs of emotion.

_No_ , he told himself. _Not today._

He shook his head and went to find Kaz’s cleaning supplies.

***

David’s trousers and boxers pooled by his feet. He stepped aside and kicked them away. The bathroom tiles were cool against his tired soles as lethargic, heavy fingers unbuttoned his shirt. The cloth had stiffened where Kaz had bled. He shrugged the shirt over of his rigid, aching shoulders and down his arms. He squeezed his shoulder blades together and stretched out his neck before switching on the shower. The water hissed as it fell.

David did not bother waiting for the water to warm up. Cold droplets machine gunned his back and streamed over his waist. He shut his eyes and dipped his head back under the water. He felt the water pouring over his face go from cold to warm to, what to David’s frozen skin felt like, scalding. The goosebumps on his arms began to subside as he felt himself melt away. 

He brought his hands to his face, pressing his palms over eyes too worn-down to want to open again. He tangled his fingers through his drenched dark curls and yanked down hard on his hair. Every muscle in his arms and chest convulsed inwards as he gnashed his teeth together and shook silently, wanting with every fiber of his being to just howl away his pain. There was no sound but the water.

He let his hands fall. He leaned his head forward and sighed. He watched the blood from his chest fall away and swirl down the drain. He blinked and wished that he could just dissolve into the water and disappear completely.

***

Kaz walked past David’s car and lowered his eyes. He really wanted to just be alone right now. Typing in the code to his apartment building he let himself in and climbed the stairs with difficulty. A few days had passed since he was hospitalized and the pain, whilst slowly subsiding, was still unbearable. He took a deep breath and pushed past it.  
He paused outside of his door. He knew that David would be waiting for him on the other side. He didn’t know what to say. He just wanted to be alone. He toyed with the idea of turning away and just leaving when suddenly the door opened.

There he was. David’s face was stern and expressionless. Kaz knew David well enough to know that this meant he was hurt. Kaz wished he had his glasses with him. For a moment, they remained silent. 

‘Well,’ began David wryly. ‘You’re alive at least.’ His face remained stony. His voice was barbed. ‘Go inside, it’s your home, you don’t need me to invite you in.’ David walked back into the flat without looking at Kaz. Kaz followed reluctantly.

David strode into the kitchen and returned with a glass of water. He shoved it firmly towards Kaz.

‘Drink,’ David instructed. His voice was low and calm, but unwavering. 

‘David, I-‘ David pushed the glass into Kaz’s hand.

‘ _Drink._ ’ David was not going to repeat himself.

Kaz took the water grudgingly as David proceeded to light himself a cigarette. Kaz made his way to the kitchen to get a cigarette for himself. He set down the glass and tugged at the drawer. It remained shut. He lowered his eyebrows in confusion and noticed that a lock had been installed on the drawer. His eyes scanned the rest of his kitchen- a lock had been installed on every drawer and cupboard. He bit down hard on his lower lip.

‘David what the f-‘ 

‘Yeah so I figured I’d install some locks on your cupboards,’ interrupted David nonchalantly from the sofa. He took a long drag on his cigarette.

‘David you can’t just do that,’ growled Kaz, incensed by David’s veneer of composure.

‘A lot of sharp stuff,’ replied David. ‘Knives and the like. Oh and lighters too, could do some harm with those.’

‘Listen here you little _shit_ -‘ began Kaz.

‘Don’t talk to me like that,’ bit back David, darting a blistering glare towards Kaz. Kaz was stunned to a silence. 

‘I’ve locked away all of your sharp objects or anything that you could use to harm yourself,’ continued David in a matter of fact manner. ‘And I’m keeping a hold of all of your medicine for a while for obvious reasons. I found what you’ve been prescribed and I’ll give you that and only that when you need it.’

‘David you don’t need to treat me like a fucking child,’ cut in Kaz, gritting his teeth down hard. David elected to ignore that comment. 

‘You got rid of most of your alcohol yourself,’ continued David dryly, ‘all you had left was this hip-flask and I thought I’d take custody of that.’ He held the small, nondescript flask in his hand and shook it mockingly.

‘You fucker-‘ Kaz snarled.

‘-Drink your water, Kaz.’

‘Give me that flask!’ Kaz marched over to the sofa. He lunged over David to grab the hipflask from his hands.

‘No,’ yelled David standing up and moving away from Kaz, ‘I won’t let you drink yourself to death, you bastard.’

‘Just give me it back, you fuck, you can’t do this!’ cried Kaz, following David in response.

‘No, I won’t let you!’ insisted David. Kaz’s attempts were futile. Having just been released from hospital, he was incredibly frail. The process of treating a morphine overdose was brutal. Kaz was still in excruciating pain. David managed to hold him back with little to no effort. Kaz swiped for the flask and missed, falling to the floor.

‘That flask was a gift, it isn’t yours to take!’ It was as if Kaz was almost begging. Hearing the desperation in Kaz’s voice but determined not to give in, David flicked open the flask with his hand and tipped it upside down. Kaz watched as the alcohol inside poured out onto the rug before his eyes.

‘Here,’ spat David, throwing the flask onto the floor in front of Kaz. Kaz grabbed the flask and clutched it desperately. ‘Take your stupid flask if it means so much to you.’

David folded his arms and found himself frowning uncontrollably. He looked down to Kaz, who was dragging himself to at least sit upright propped against the wall. Kaz slumped uncomfortably, holding his face in his free hand, his fingertips digging into his temples, pained. He let out a soft groan.

‘Thank you,’ Kaz muttered. His voice was quiet, but inherently sincere. ‘And, sorry.’ David watched Kaz on the floor as he remained standing. He sighed. 

‘Can,’ started Kaz, ‘Can I at least have my glasses? Please?’ David watched Kaz’s chest rise and fall in exhaustion. Feeling all of his anger and bitterness fade away into pity for his fallen master, David kneeled down to face Kaz. He brought his eyes up to Kaz’s face. Kaz turned his head.

Kaz was a wreck. Everything about his countenance was heavy, worn down and weary. No matter how hard Kaz tried to hide it, it was clear to David that he was in pain. Kaz wore a wounded frown that plastered his withered lips. His teeth were eternally clenched at the side. Every breath looked like a struggle. Kaz’s gaze was low, his lashes draping over his eyes. If David could see pain in Kaz’s lips he saw sorrow in the way that Kaz looked away. David reached into his breast pocket and took out Kaz’s glasses, unfolding them and placing them gently over Kaz’s eyes.

David placed a tender hand over Kaz’s jaw and tilted his head to face him. Wordlessly, David produced a cigarette and, setting it between his master’s lip, flickered his lighter. Kaz inhaled on his cigarette and immediately seemed more at ease. Kaz held the cigarette between his fingers. David brought his thumb over Kaz’s cheekbone, his fingertips lingering over Kaz’s jaw and trailing down his neck. Kaz met David’s stare. David rested his palm flat over Kaz’s collarbone and for a moment they froze together. David felt himself leaning in closer. His fingertips pressed down gently into Kaz’s skin. David’s lips hovered over Kaz’s. Kaz turned away.

‘I’m sorry, I,’ mumbled Kaz. David jumped back slightly, letting go of Kaz. ‘I’m sorry. You’ll- uh-you’ll thank me later.’ David lowered his gaze, embarrassed. He let out a sigh and sat next to Kaz against the wall. Kaz took a drag on his cigarette. They sat together in silence. 

‘So how long have you been like this?’ chanced David. Kaz took a moment to ponder his answer. He figured that David deserved the truth.

‘A while,’ Kaz replied. David grit his teeth. 

‘I suppose when your body is already covered in scars it’s hard to tell which ones are self-inflicted.’

‘It’s not your fault, David,’ murmured Kaz. ‘I- I got very good at hiding it.’

‘You know,’ pondered David, ‘of all the lies you’ve told me, I think this hurts the most.’ A pause. David furrowed his eyebrows.

‘How many times have you tried to…’ Kaz made no reply. David shut his eyes, wounded by the affirmative silence.

‘Oh Kaz,’ he whispered, his voice cracking. ‘I never knew.’

‘I’m sorry, David.’

‘Fuck, I just never-‘ David trailed off as he felt his chest begin to cave in. He scrunched his eyes further as he felt his tears, fast and hot, begin to fall over his cheeks.

‘Kaz,’ he whimpered. ‘Kaz, I never-‘ Kaz hooked his arm around David’s shoulder and bundled him in close. David began to weep sorely into Kaz’s chest. 

‘I’m sorry David,’ whispered Kaz. Kaz wrapped his arms around David’s body as he trembled.

‘Kaz I almost lost you.’

He held onto David tighter.

‘What would I do without you, Kaz?’

Watching David cry was agony.

‘I’m so sorry, David.’

‘Kaz, I never knew, I just-‘ David pressed his face into Kaz’s chest as he cried and cried and cried.

‘Kaz…I almost lost you.’

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Named after the song by The National 'About Today' which has the beautifully simple lyric 'How close am I to losing you?' I'm such a sucker for that band it is unreal, please send help.
> 
> Thanks so much for reading! I hope this chapter was ok. My thanks to my pal who listened to me yelling about this chapter at 2am while I wrote it, this one's for you buddy!
> 
> As always I love hearing your thoughts so please feel free to say hi to drop a comment or say hi on tumblr at
> 
> http://cryingoverkaz.tumblr.com/
> 
> Thanks so much for reading!! <3


	31. Ashes

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> David and Kaz go to visit David's cabin in the Alaskan wilderness.

‘ _I’m not leaving you._ ’ He folded his arms. 

‘David,’ began Kaz, ‘you don’t have to burden yourself with-‘ He looked at David and stuttered out. David blinked.

‘You’re not a burden.’ David’s voice was low and resolute. ‘I’m not leaving you.’

Kaz frowned. He knew he didn’t really have a choice in the matter. This was not a request to stay. He let out a rough sigh and shrugged affirmatively. 

David’s expression faltered. He hated this. Despite his relentless insistence, at heart David was completely out of his depth. He had never encountered something like this before. He had no idea how he would go about looking after the person he cared for the most. He was being cruel and he hated it. But he didn’t know what else to do.  
Being together was not easy. With stubborn fires and frozen tenacity, they argued. A lot. Glances were thrown and doors were slammed through gritted teeth. Things were always frustrated and tense. They barely spoke and they never touched. They would lie beside each other and be oceans apart. That close quarters separation was more exhausting than the fighting.

Once the hospital’s initial outpatient follow-up care had been completed, and when things had settled down, they both agreed that they were too worn-out to fight any more. They would take a trip to David’s home in rural Alaska. How David convinced Kaz to come with him, even for a just a short amount of time, was a mystery. He suspected that Kaz was simply too tired to protest. In any event, it was clear that both of them needed a change of scene. The once welcoming and homely walls of Kaz’s apartment were hastily becoming oppressive for David. After what happened, he would never see that place in the same light again. 

***

The dull drone of the car hummed between the men. They had been driving in silence for a while now. Both kept their eyes forward. Kaz lowered his gaze.

‘Thanks for convincing me to do this, David,’ said Kaz quietly. 

‘You’re-’ began David. He paused. He was taken aback by the sound of Kaz’s voice. ‘You’re welcome.’ He hazarded a glance at the man beside him. 

Kaz had his head turned away. He rested his elbow beside the window and leaned his chin on his palm.

‘And I-I,’ stuttered Kaz hesitantly. ‘I’m sorry. I’m sorry about everything.’

‘Kaz, I…’ David trailed off.

‘I know this is a lot for you,’ continued Kaz, sensing David’s unease. ‘I’m sorry that you had to see me like this, and I’m sorry that I’ve been so difficult. I know I’m a handful, and I know-’

‘Kaz, please,’ cut in David. ‘It’s fine, I don’t…’ He couldn’t find the words for what he felt. He didn’t really know how he felt. ‘You’re not a burden.’ Kaz continued to look away. 

‘I’m just glad you’re-‘. David stopped. He was about to say that he was glad that Kaz was ok. He knew that that was not true. He started again.

‘I’m glad you’re here.’ Kaz looked at David briefly before sinking his head slightly.

‘Even so, I-’ Kaz replied penitently. ‘I know how much this hurts. I wish I could just-‘ A pause. ‘I wish I could get better for you. You never deserved this.’  
David kept his eyes forward.

‘I’m sorry.’

‘You don’t need to be sorry, Kaz.’ David’s voice was soft and candid. ‘I know you can’t help it.’

‘That doesn’t change things. This is hard for you,’ insisted Kaz. ‘I just want you to be able to have that, that pain for yourself. It’s easy to just hide it away, but...’ He sighed. ‘I don’t know. I guess everyone needs time to just grieve the things that hurt them. Doesn’t matter how you do it. Even if you don’t do it right.’

David took a deep breath and blinked slowly. He didn’t know how to answer. 

‘I guess, this is hard for both of us,’ concluded David, ‘but we’re going to get through this together.’

Kaz looked at David’s face and felt himself soften. There was something about his unyielding determination that reached out to Kaz. David was not optimistic, but his measured resolve seemed to awaken, for the first time in a long time, the slightest promise of hope.

‘I’ll try my best,’ promised Kaz. ‘It’s not good for much, but I’ll try.’ Kaz saw the sides of David’s lips relax faintly. 

‘That’s all I could ever ask for,’ David sighed. ‘Besides, I know I’ve not exactly dealt with this in the best way.’ David bit his lip in guilt.

‘I’m sorry,’ said David. ‘I’m sorry I locked all of your cupboards. And I’m sorry I treated you like a child.’

‘It’s-it’s ok,’ responded Kaz, ‘I know this doesn’t make much sense to you.’

‘Honestly,’ conceded David, ‘you’re right. This is beyond me.’ He looked at Kaz. ‘But I’ll try my best to understand.’

‘That’s going to take a lot of patience, David.’ His voice was blunt but fair.

‘I know, I know. And I know I won’t always get it right, but,’ David’s voice seemed to brighten up slightly. ‘But I’ll keep trying. For you.’

‘That means a lot to me.’

‘But,’ pushed David. ‘I need you to promise me one thing.’ Kaz remained silent, inviting David to continue. David’s voice was firm.

‘No more lies.’ A short silence.

‘You’re not going to like what you hear,’ admitted Kaz. David shook his head.

‘I don’t care,’ insisted David. ‘I just need you to tell me the truth.’ Kaz let out a tired sigh.

‘I guess I owe you that at least.’

***

David’s eyes widened as they pulled into David’s cabin. He hastily parked the car and, after opening the boot for Kaz to collect his bags, sprinted to the door and slid inside. 

‘Uhh, are you OK?’ asked Kaz as David ran away.

‘Yeah, yeah, just a second,’ he called back.

Kaz shrugged to himself and picked up his bags, making his way over to the door. He heard hectic clanging coming from inside the cabin. Kaz dropped his bags on the porch and popped his head around the door.

‘Hey, David, are you alrig-‘

‘Wait! No, don’t come in!’ yelled David from another room. Frantic footsteps approached. David stood with his face close to Kaz’s as if to obscure Kaz’s view.

‘Please, it’s such a mess,’ pleaded David. ‘I didn’t realise I’d be away for so long.’ Kaz looked at David’s face. He had a natural pout whenever he was nervous. 

‘Or that I’d have company when I came back,’ he added before rushing off back into the cabin. ‘Just wait here, I’m sorry, I just forgot-’ Sensing that David was anxious, Kaz closed the door behind him and waited on the porch. He huddled himself into his large coat. He felt the softness of the fur tease his neck against the chill of the early evening air. He waited patiently. He had always enjoyed the seclusion of the Alaskan wilderness. In the back of his mind he really was grateful to David for taking him away.  
David stuck his head around the door. 

‘I’m so sorry, Kaz,’ he spluttered, flustered. ‘It’s so cold out, and everything’s a mess, I just didn’t think I-‘

‘David,’ hummed Kaz, trying to be sympathetic. ‘It’s ok. It’s only me, you don’t need to worry, I-‘ Kaz’s voice died down as he saw David’s pained grin. Kaz’s face fell flat.

‘You’re putting away your alcohol, aren’t you?’

David’s forced smile melted away as he bit his lip in guilt.

‘I’m sorry, Kaz…‘

‘It’s fine,’ replied Kaz curtly. ‘I understand-’

‘-I know I’m not supposed to-‘

‘David, stop.’ David stopped immediately. Kaz frowned slightly and looked away, embarrassed. He folded his arms, his palms flat on his biceps as he nestled in on himself. His voice was low and humble. ‘It’s for my own good. I’ll wait over here until you’re done.’

Kaz watched the tension in David’s face drop away in relief.

‘Thank you, Kaz. I really appreciate it.’

***

David’s cabin was relatively small, but perfectly charming in its own bizarre, disarrayed way.

‘I bought it back when I figured that I didn’t want any social contact,’ explained David as he took Kaz’s coat. ‘I didn’t really think I’d be bringing anyone back here, or having anyone stay so I guessed I didn’t need much space.’

‘Are you ok?’ asked David. Kaz nodded casually as he casted a quick glance over the room.

The living area and kitchen were open plan. A large, handsome fireplace stood proudly as a centerpiece, set against decidedly minimal furniture. Nothing in the cabin matched, and everything there seemed to have been chosen purely for its function.

‘I just wanted somewhere to get drunk and escape,’ David admitted, running his fingers along the dust on the coffee table. ‘Guess I didn’t really think about décor.’

‘Seems understandable,’ remarked Kaz, idly. ‘It’s kind of the same with my cabin too.’

‘You have a cabin?’ 

‘Yeah,’ responded Kaz. ‘Did I not tell you?’ David shook his head.

‘Oh, sorry about that. It’s nothing special, just a little hide-out. A bit like this, a little bigger I suppose.’ David nodded.

‘Are you ok?’ asked David again. His voice was laced with mild concern. Kaz looked over at David and felt a pang of pity for the boy before him. It was clear that he was not used  
to having people visit, but anxious to be a good host. Kaz smiled politely at David.

‘I’m fine, thanks.’

‘Ok, ok,’ cooed David, in part to himself. His eyes darted around the room. 

‘Drink!’ He gasped to himself. ‘Can I get you a drink?’ He frowned to himself. ‘I got rid of all the alcohol so I have…water. And coffee.’ Another pained grin.

‘Don’t worry about it, David, I’m fine without.’

David seemed almost stunted by Kaz’s contentment. As if getting Kaz a drink or doing something hospitable would have been a relief, not least because it gave him something to do other than just be alone with Kaz. 

He wasn’t sure why he was suddenly gripped with nerves. He had been a troubled child for the first part of his life, and a soldier for the rest- at no point was he ever just social. At no point did he ever really have a home to welcome somebody back to. He looked around at his sad looking abode- he wasn’t even sure if this felt like his home. In any event, he wasn’t sure what a home felt like. He glanced at Kaz.

‘Are you ok?’

Kaz bit back a small chuckle. This the third time since Kaz had entered the house that David had asked if he was ok. It must have been a nervous habit.

‘I’m alright, David,’ he replied sympathetically. ‘Don’t worry.’

David furrowed his eyebrows and bit his lip in concentration. Kaz stood waiting. The casual silence weighed heavily on David.

‘Have a seat!’ exclaimed David with slightly too much vigour. ‘Yes, have a seat. I’ll…’ He scanned the living room in mild panic.

‘I’ll light the fire.’ He flashed an embarrassed, awkward smile to Kaz. ‘You must be freezing, I haven’t really gotten round to sorting out any heating. I’m sorry.’

‘It’s ok, don’t worry,’ reassured Kaz as he took a seat on the sofa. ‘But fire would be nice, if it’s not too much hassle.’ He could see David was visibly relieved at having a finally having task to keep him busy. David rushed off to collect some wood. Kaz watched him leaving fondly. The boy was a goddamn pup and he always would be. 

David returned and dumped the logs beside the fire. He knelt over and brushed away some debris from the bottom of the fireplace.

‘Hmm,’ he mused to himself. ‘I don’t know how that got there.’

‘Hmm?’ enquired Kaz from the sofa.

‘Does your cabin have a fireplace?’ asked David, leaning down further.

‘Yeah,’ replied Kaz. ‘What’s up?’ He could hear David grumbling as he squinted his eyes and brushed his fingertips against the walls of the chimney.

‘Did you ever find twigs at the bottom of your fireplace?’

‘Twigs?’ echoed Kaz. David stuck his head in further.

‘Yeah, nothing for kindling, just rogue t-ah!’ David was interrupted with a small sharp knock to his head from above.

‘Uhh, David, are you alright?’ David removed himself from the fireplace. He rubbed his head.

‘Yeah, yeah, I just think that-‘ a short tap as a twig fell from through the chimney. Both men watched as it was joined by another shortly after. David looked at Kaz and tilted his  
head in confusion, seeking an answer. Kaz took a moment to think.

‘Could be some birds,’ suggested Kaz. ‘It’d be a little early, but maybe they’re trying to make a nest? Some are known to like nesting in chimneys.’

‘But I’ve never seen that here before,’ commented David. 

‘It tends to happen when the chimney’s not been used for a while. Otherwise I guess the smoke would drive them away. I used to have this problem at my place.’ David hummed, intrigued. In their silence they heard the faint flutter of wings.

‘Sounds like the case,’ mumbled David as he knelt down again. He stuck his head in the fireplace and turned his gaze to the rest of the chimney. ‘How did you get rid of yours?’

‘Hmm?’ asked Kaz, whose eyes instinctively lingered on the prominent curves of David’s ass as he rested on his knees. It took a moment for David’s question to register.

‘Oh, they’re a bitch to get rid of.’

David popped out of the fireplace.

‘ _They are?!_ ’ he exclaimed, alarmed. ‘Fuck, no, they can’t stay here. I’ll set them on fire.’

‘You could probably just shoo them away, David,’ advised Kaz.

‘But what if they have eggs?’ he cried. His voice was high with fretfulness. Kaz looked at David and held his breath. His eyes glimmered, glazed with genuine concern. Wide lips fell to a natural pout as he waited expectantly for a solution to calm his nerves. The movement had ruffled his hair, a single, familiar curl falling over his forehead, which was currently wrinkled in distress. A smear of soot lined his cheek. He was adorable.

Kaz left his seat and stooped beside David, watching another twig fall from above. 

‘It looks like they’ve just started their nesting,’ began Kaz as he squinted. ‘It’s a little early for them to start fully nesting so it makes sense. You should be able just scare them off. Unlikely they’ll have eggs. Do you want me to help?’

‘No!’ objected David immediately. ‘You’re my guest, Kaz. I’m not going to ask you to crawl up my fucking chimney.’ Kaz struggled to suppress a smile.

‘Ok, at least let me line your floor with something while you get rid of them.’ Kaz got up and scouted the room for a newspaper.

‘It’s fine,’ huffed David as crawled into the fireplace and turned onto his back.

Kaz set the newspaper on the floor beside David and trailed his eyes over David’s spread open legs, chuckling to himself.

David shoved his arms up the chimney.

‘Shoo!’ he hissed at the flapping above. He waved his arms hastily.

‘Careful, David, you’ll get soot on you,’ warned Kaz.

‘Pfft, it’ll be fine,’ murmured David. ‘I just need to- ow!’ He scrunched his nose as a twig fell onto his face.

‘Goddammit these birds are stubborn little fuckers.’ He grunted as he shoved his arms up further.

‘Come oooon,’ David pressed, ‘Just-ah- go away!’ He started flailing his arms more vigorously.

‘Be careful, David.’

‘Come oon, I just want to light this fucking fire, why is this so hard, I just need to-‘

_Whoosh. Scattered flapping from above._

Kaz whipped his head over to where David lay. A soft, pillowy cloud of grey mushroomed around David’s frozen body.

‘ _Eeeeeeeh!_ ’ squealed David, horrified from beneath the soot. He coughed as he crawled out of the fireplace and sat upright in the dust.

‘For fuck’s sake!’ he spat as he ran an arm over his eyes. He flicked his hands, disgusted. Kaz looked at the boy before him, astonished. He was covered in ash. He wiped a hand over his mouth and threw his head back, pulling at his hair.

‘Goddammit, why can’t I do anything right?’ 

Kaz watched David. He was viscerally frustrated to the core. Kaz could see David’s cheeks redden beneath the speckles of grey that had covered his face. Kaz crawled over to David and sat opposite him, tilting his head in sympathy.

‘Hey,’ cooed Kaz as he shuffled closer to David. ‘It’s ok.’ David felt his pout soften. Something about that tone of Kaz’s voice never failed to instill some sense of ease in him.

‘It’s ok,’ continued Kaz softly. He leaned in closer and brought a hand to his hair. ‘May I?’ David nodded, keeping his eyes lowered in embarrassment. He feathered his fingertips through David’s hair and removed a small twig entangled in his hair just behind his ear. He let his hand linger for the slightest moment at the top of his neck. He let go.

‘Well,’ Kaz hazarded. ‘At least the birds are gone?’ He let out an awkward grin.

David glared at Kaz, unamused. He blinked, sullen. Drinking in the sight of his grumpy prodigy, covered in soot, Kaz felt his mouth begin to curve into a smile when David let out a small sneeze. Kaz’s eyes widened immediately. His chest tightened. His entire body tensed. David sneezed again.This was all too much for Kaz. David was simply too adorable. Kaz bit his lip and brought his hand to cover his mouth as the beginnings of a giggle emerged.

‘Don’t,’ warned David as his eyes flickered up in response to hearing the snickering. ‘It’s not funny!’ He moped.

Kaz raised his eyes to look meet David’s, a mischievous glint glistening in his grin. Even if he wanted to stop his chuckling, he couldn’t, and David’s indignant reaction was only making it worse. As he fell deeper into his laughter. Kaz brought his hands over his face, covering his eyes.

‘Dammit Kaz, this isn’t funny,’ whined David, himself struggling to hold back the beginnings of a smile. Kaz continued his giggling.

‘Stop it!’ squealed David. Seeing no signs of Kaz relenting, David scooped up a handful of soot between his fingers and hurled it towards the older man.

Kaz let out a short yelp.

‘Brat!’ he called out, returning the shot. Ash flew into David’s face.

‘Aaak!’ he yelled, shielding his eyes. He began to laugh. David buckled over and shook his hair before grabbing another handful of soot and lunging towards Kaz. Kaz swerved out of David’s way. David landed on his stomach as he unearthed another flume of ash. He rolled over onto his back and looked up at Kaz.

Through the clouds of soot he could just about discern the silhouette of his master. Kaz’s neck was stretched out as his head lolled backwards. It was as if he laughed in slow motion- he was endlessly elegant. As the dust began to clear he could see the curve of Kaz’s lips, stretched out candidly as, behind his glasses, Kaz’s eyes wrinkled shut. David propped himself up on his arms and watched Kaz, entranced. 

Noticing David’s silence as his laughter died out, Kaz turned his head towards David. David was sat, his legs sticking out in front of him, leaning back on his hands, frozen.

‘David, are you alright?’ asked Kaz. David blinked.

‘You,’ he began, stuttering. ‘You’re smiling.’ Kaz furrowed his eyebrows.

‘Huh?’

‘You’re laughing,’ continued David, his voice getting higher in excitement. ‘You-you’re _smiling._ ’ Kaz lowered his eyes for a moment, taken aback.

‘Well,’ he replied. ‘Yes. Yes, I suppose I am.’ David smiled too. A silence settled between them for a brief moment.

‘You’re a mess,’ commented David, shaking his head fondly. Kaz raised his eyebrows in response and scanned a deliberate, exaggerated look over David. David rolled his eyes.

‘Come here,’ murmured David. Kaz had barely begun to crawl over to David when David grabbed him by his shirt and pulled him in to a deep, deliberate kiss.

Kaz responded immediately, bringing his hands to the sides of David’s head, threading his fingers through David’s curls. He brought his palms to David’s jaw and held his face close, padding the tips of his thumbs over David’s cheeks. They kissed languidly, melting in the familiar feeling of each other’s touch. David drew his lips away, catching his breath. Resting his forehead on Kaz’s he looked Kaz in the eyes. For the first time in a long time he could see something there. David could not contain his sheer exultation. Sensing David’s joy, Kaz felt his smile widening further still.

‘I’ve missed you so much, Kaz,’ whispered David.

‘I’ve missed you too, David.’

They kissed again, with more force and vigour behind their touch. David wrapped his arm around Kaz’s waist and leaned back, drawing Kaz down with him. He lunged his head up to Kaz’s. David pressed his flattened palms over Kaz’s tense back muscles, kneading the tips of his fingers over the knots. Kaz moaned in pleasure into their kiss. 

David drew his hands over Kaz’s back, waist, hips and placed them resolutely onto his master’s ass. He squeezed it firmly and deliberately, leaving dark grey handprints on Kaz’s trousers. Twining his legs with Kaz’s above him, David began to thrust upwards, pushing their hips together. He bit down hard onto Kaz’s bottom lip before flipping him over onto his back and clambering on top of him. 

David rapidly undid the buttons on Kaz’s shirt, diving his face into Kaz’s chest and nuzzling him desperately. He latched his lips over Kaz’s nipple and sucked on it with urgency, relishing the feeling of Kaz’s body tensing in pleasure beneath him. He dragged his tongue over Kaz’s chest and up his neck when-

_-pfft._

David almost spat at the harsh, bitter taste of the soot on his tongue. Kaz sat upright.

‘David are you-‘

‘-come with me,’ interrupted David, impatient to resume their kiss. David offered his hand to Kaz and, grabbing him by the wrist, dragged him into the bathroom.

The kissed as they undressed with record speed. David switched on the shower and they clambered in, caring little for whether the water had warmed up.

It was as if their bodies were bound by unimaginable magnetism. Cool water flowed over their bodies as one, washing away the soot as they melted together. David lathered some soap in his hands and began to massage it over Kaz’s shoulder blades and down the small of his back, circling his hands over his ass once more. He felt Kaz dive his head onto his neck, sucking a deep crimson love bite over David’s collarbone. David gasped, driving his hands over his lover’s soft, soapy skin.

David’s hands slid off of Kaz’s ass as he felt Kaz lower himself to his knees and draw his tongue over the inside of David’s thigh. David’s mouth dropped open in sheer anticipation alone. He felt droplets of warmer water splash on his tongue. Kaz wrapped his wet lips over David’s penis. David felt his knees begin to buckle immediately as a sharp moan escaped from his gut and echoed softly against the tiled walls of the bathroom. He instinctively brought a hand to the wall, stablising himself.

‘Ooh God yes!’ gasped David as he pulsed his hips into Kaz’s mouth. He lowered his remaining hand over Kaz’s head and tangled his fingers in Kaz’s soaked golden locks and began to pant in sheer pleasure.

‘Oh- fuck- Kaz!’ he purred as he grabbed fistfuls of his hair. Kaz sucked him rhythmically, taking him deeper with each slide of his lips. He could feel David’s painfully erect dick pressing on the sides of his mouth. His jaw almost ached with the pressure. David shut his eyes and sighed heavily with each thrust into Kaz’s mouth. Alone together in the middle of nowhere, David relished being able to cry out as loud as he wanted. It was the perfect release.

He hadn’t felt this way in far too long. He felt his gut begin to burn with the beginnings of an orgasm. He pushed it down and removed himself from Kaz’s lips. It took superhuman restraint not to just let go of all of his refrain and face fuck Kaz until he choked.

‘Come here, baby,’ ordered David, his voice breathy from his loud cries. Kaz stood up and leaned in to kiss David. ‘Turn around.’ David spun Kaz so that he was facing away from him. Running a powerful hand over Kaz’s shoulder and down his arm, he guided Kaz so that his hands leaned on the wall. David drew his fingers over the beautiful curve of Kaz’s back before massaging Kaz’s the entrance of Kaz’s anus. He leaned in so that his mouth was beside Kaz’s ear.

‘Kaz, can I-?’ David was interrupted by an affirmative buck of Kaz’s hips against David’s erection. Kaz was rewarded with an involuntary moan from David.  
Without wasting any time, David pushed his fingers into Kaz, eager to prepare Kaz properly and not to hurt him, but equally as impatient to fuck him senseless. Pleasured groans escaped through Kaz’s gritted teeth. David scissored his fingers.

‘ _Ah!_ ’ 

He began to pad his fingers against Kaz’s prostrate. Kaz’s knees began to quiver.

‘Are you ok, Kaz?’ asked David, petting Kaz’s hip with his free hand. Kaz managed a short nod before letting his head drop in delight. Water flowed over his hair and dripped off the edge of his sharp nose.

David lined himself up with Kaz and, wrapping an arm around Kaz’s waist, pushed himself in and began to thrust.

‘Holy fuck- David,’ gasped Kaz. David rolled his hips steadily as he leaned forward and buried his face in between Kaz’s shoulder blades. He dragged his teeth over Kaz’s body and kissed Kaz’s back sloppily.

‘Oh God you’re so fucking beautiful,’ drawled David through his kisses. Kaz’s mouth dropped open in delight.

Impatient for more, David wrapped his hand around Kaz’s dick and began to jerk him off mercilessly. David pushed himself harder into Kaz, squeezing his muscles and exploding into every thrust. Kaz screamed in wild gratification with every pounding he took.

‘Aaah-aah, _yes_!’ called out Kaz, his body hanging almost helplessly as he let the feeling of being filled wash over him. His hand trailed down the wall, leaving a streak in the condensation.

‘Fuck, Kaz,’ gasped David. ‘You feel fucking amazing. Are you alright?’

Kaz whinnied helpelessly in response, unable to formulate any coherent response.

‘Come on, baby,’ encouraged David, ‘you’re so fucking perfect.’ David leaned in and tried to kiss Kaz, but struggled to find the right angle. With one especially ambitious thrust, he slipped out of Kaz. Kaz inhaled sharply at the sudden emptiness.

Taking this opportunity, however, Kaz turned around to kiss David once more, twining his body with his prodigy’s. He hounded David’s lips, kissing him hungrily and instinctively thrusting against his crotch. Taking David’s hand into his, Kaz guided their hands between their legs.

Reading Kaz’s cues, David shifted his hips closer to Kaz’s and gripped their dicks together, pulling them vigorously. Both men moaned loudly into their kiss. Overcome with animal desire, David slammed Kaz’s back against the wall. With his free hand, he took Kaz’s wrist and pinned his arm against the wall, pushing Kaz back with the force of his kiss.  
David quickened the pace of his movements. Slickened by precum and the water, his hand slid over with ease. Both men thrusted into David’s fist. David bit down into the side of Kaz’s neck and sucked a burgundy love bite into his lover’s pale, porcelain skin. Now that Kaz’s mouth was freed of David’s constrictor hold, Kaz let his lips drop open.

‘Ah-ah-ah!’ he panted as he neared his orgasm. David growled from the crook of Kaz’s neck. David’s hand moved faster and faster and faster until both men burst.

It was impossible to tell who came first. Their bodies shuddered together, woven like gossamer. When they came, David folded himself into Kaz’s arms in exhaustion, entirely spent and relieved. Kaz patted a soothing hand down David’s back. David’s chest heaved as he breathed deeply. His pulse raced. He rested his head on Kaz’s chest.

Holding David in one arm, Kaz reached for the tap with his free arm and stopped the flow of the water. He could hear David’s heavy breathing in the sudden quiet of the bathroom. He stroked David’s hair and was met with a nuzzle from David.

‘Kaz,’ he gulped, looking up at his master’s face. ‘Are you ok?’ Kaz chuckled softly to himself and cupped David’s face with his hand fondly.

‘I’m fine, David,’ replied Kaz tenderly. ‘I’m fine.’ David smiled at him in response, relieved that this time, it seemed real. He nuzzled Kaz’s chest again, his damp hair clinging to his master’s skin.

‘Let’s go to bed, Kaz. I’m fucking exhausted.’

Once dried, both men collapsed onto the bed in each other’s arms. David drifted off quickly, his face relaxed and at peace in the afterglow of their sex. Kaz watched the steady rise and fall of David’s chest and smiled as he felt the oceans between them begin to drain away.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey pals. Sorry this took so long to get to you! Decided to give the sad parts a little break so came up with some fluff/smut instead. I have no idea where this idea came from haha.
> 
> Starting a new, much more demanding job soon so I'm really sorry but updates will be much slower. 
> 
> In a huge rush atm. Will sort out mistakes later. Thanks so much for reading!
> 
> As always feel free to say hi on here or on tumblr, linked below.
> 
> Cheers! <3


	32. Stay

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> David and Kaz spend some time together in David's cabin after a long hike.

David nudged the door shut with his shoulder with a deliberate, heavy thud. His cheeks were flushed, reddened by the harsh gusts outside. He smiled as he shook his hair, ruffled and tousled in the wind. Adjusting his bandanna, which had ridden up his forehead, he let out a small breath. They had been together for just over two weeks, now, and had fallen into a steady routine of going for long hikes together.

'Well,' noted Kaz, brushing down his coat, 'that was certainly... bracing.' He held out his hand and caught David's coat, hanging it by the door. 'But that was lovely, glad we managed to get back before the weather got any worse.' He ran a hand over his head, smoothing down stray threads of greying blonde.

'We really should know better than to head out when the clouds are like that,' replied David, 'but it was definitely worth it.' He began to light a cigarette, clicking his lighter stubbornly. He offered the cigarette to Kaz.

'Thanks.' Kaz, accepted the cigarette. 'All that was missing was a dog.' David chuckled lightly.

'We could always get one,' pondered David. He placed another cigarette between his lips and grinned at Kaz mischievously. Kaz raised his eyebrows in response.

'Ok, I lie,' admitted David, before puffing on his cigarette. He exhaled sharply. 'I'm going to get about _fifty_.' Kaz let out a short laugh and shook his head fondly.

'Sounds more like you.' He lay back on the sofa, his feet hanging gracefully off the edge. He looked out of the window peacefully. 

'I'm glad we got some more photographs too, it was very beautiful out,' commented Kaz idly. 'I'll get them developed when I get back to my flat and send you some.'

David felt himself tense up. Something about what Kaz had said had caught him off guard. He opened his mouth to replied, but held himself back. He shook the thoughts from his head and inhaled on his cigarette.

'Mhmm,' he hummed in response instead, lowering his eyes. He exhaled and folded his arms, huddling himself together.

Kaz turned his head to face David and spotted the slight slump in his shoulders. 

'Hey,' he said, tilting his chin softly. 'You alright kiddo?'

'Hmm?' David's eyes flickered upwards. Without realising it, David had been lost in thought.

'Are you ok?' David lowered his gaze, as if to process and pinpoint how he felt. He blinked slowly and nodded. 

'It's fucking freezing,' he mumbled, his cigarette between his teeth. A small smile widened on Kaz's lips. He didn't want to push David to talk. Instead, Kaz reached out his hand.

'Come here,' he murmured, unbuttoning his coat. 'Let me help.' He shuffled back on the sofa, propping himself up slightly as David walked towards him. David slid his hands through the front of Kaz's coat and climbed onto his master. His knees pressed into the cushions beneath him. He removed his cigarette and stubbed it out on a nearby ash tray before running his palms over Kaz's hipbones, his waist, and settling his cheek on Kaz's chest. He nuzzled the fabric of Kaz's shirt. 

Kaz wrapped his coat around the side of David's body, resting his hand on the curve of his back. He exhaled as he felt the weight of David unwinding on top of him. David closed his eyes and basked in the feeling of the fur lining of Kaz's coat brushing against his exposed skin and through the material of his t shirt. 

Cradled in the arms of his lover, David breathed in. He could feel the knots in his mind slowly unfurl as he sank into the pull of Kaz's perfume. Deep base notes of smokey leather and amber were flushed with the fullness of cardamom, cedar and iris. The familiar overtone of tobacco from his cigarette felt like home; as if with every breath David was drifting dreamlessly through the warmth of his scent. His eyelids felt heavy. 

They remained tangled together in silence for a few minutes. A gentle tap on David's back brought David out of his soporific haze. He opened his eyes and and tilted his head to look up at Kaz who was smiling kindly.

'Feeling any better?' asked Kaz gently. David nodded and tightened his hold on Kaz affirmatively. He nestled his face in Kaz's shirt.

'So you don't want to light a fire?' Kaz joked. David let out an instinctive laugh. Kaz felt David scrunch his eyes and shake his head.

' _Fuck off_ ,' quipped David, pressing his forehead against Kaz's chest. Feeling more playful, David pushed himself up and crawled forward so that his head hung inches from his master's. His eyes scanned Kaz's face wordlessly, lovingly taking in the sight of Kaz's face. He locked eyes with Kaz. Kaz held his breath. He burned beneath his gaze. Under those scrutinising sapphire eyes he found himself beginning to blush imperceptibly. Not wanting David to notice, Kaz smiled lightly and turned his face away, breaking their shared gaze.

David's lips curved into a determined smile. Bringing a firm hand down to Kaz's face, he placed a finger on Kaz's chin and tilted Kaz's head so that he was facing David directly once more. He looked at Kaz again. There was something almost predatory about his stare. He was relentless. The intensity was overwhelming. Kaz could feel himself almost begin to panic inside. Desperate to lighten the mood, Kaz brought a hand up to David's forehead and promptly slid his bandanna over his eyes.

David scrunched his lips together in an annoyed grin, pouting as, with covered eyes, he sloppily pawed at Kaz, reaching for his face. David clasped clumsily at Kaz's jaw, cupping his face and pulling him in for a deep, enthralling kiss. He padded his thumbs over Kaz's cheekbones before tugging at his bandanna and throwing it to the floor gracelessly. 

Freed of his blindfold, David shuffled in closer. Kaz wrapped an arm around David's neck, kissing David fervently. David ran his hands over Kaz's collarbones and across and behind Kaz's neck, tangling his fingers in Kaz's hair. He tugged Kaz's head backwards and, breaking their kiss, latched his mouth onto Kaz's neck with fervour. Kaz slid his hands beneath David's shirt and before they knew it they were tearing at each other's clothes on David's bed. 

David had known Kaz for years now. They had kissed and fucked countless times and yet there was always a desperation in Kaz's touch. His intimacy was a strange cartography, mapping out the contours of David's body. As if David's body was a new found land to be explored beneath his fingertips, tracing over every curve of David's tensing muscle and every goosebump on his skin as David shivered, naked and bare in the sudden rush of frozen air. As if the way Kaz drew his hands over David was designed to examine, analyse, and commit to memory every single detail in David's broken moans and sighs. As if Kaz was searching for David's last frontier in every merciless thrust of his hips, pushing David further-and _further_ -and _further_ until-

'Holy _fuck_!' screamed David as he clenched his thighs. He panted and shuddered as Kaz tugged at his penis, drawing out the last strands of David's orgasm. His mouth dropped open helplessly as he drooled into the bedsheets beneath him. Within moments Kaz came too, burying himself deep inside David before removing himself and collapsing on top of David's back. David sighed in pleasure as he felt the heat of Kaz's breathing unfurl over his shoulder. Kaz rolled off of David and lay down beside him, his chest heaving as he felt his pulse slowly stop racing. David lay on his back and placed his hand over Kaz's, twining their fingers together. They stayed there for a moment, basking in the afterglow.

After a moment, David felt Kaz shuffling to get up beside him. He wrapped his hand around Kaz's wrist and clenched down hard as Kaz tried to get up.

'Mhmm, no, stay,' whined David, tightening his grip.

'I'm just going to get rid of this condom,' replied Kaz, standing up.

'No!' insisted David petulantly. He pouted and pulled Kaz down back onto the bed, immediately climbing on top of him, nuzzling his neck languidly.

' _Staaay_ ,' David purred. David lay down beside Kaz, wrapping an arm over his chest and holding him close. He wove his leg with Kaz's.

'I'll only be a few sec- _ah_!' began Kaz, his words cut off by David who sucked roughly on the sensitive skin on the side of his neck.

'No,' repeated David, 'Don't leave.' Kaz hummed contently as David ran his tongue over Kaz's jaw and began to nibble on Kaz's ear. He brought a hand to Kaz's cheek and began to twine his finger with a lock of Kaz's hair. Kaz all but shivered as he felt David's breath against the back of Kaz's neck.

'Mhmm well I suppose it is warm in this bed,' replied Kaz, closing his eyes and letting himself drift in the pleasure of David's touch.

'I mean it,' whispered David into Kaz's ear, closing his eyes and revelling in the soft caress of Kaz's hair. 'Stay here with me.' Kaz began to furrow his brow in mild confusion.

'Don't go back,' continued David. 'Just leave everything else behind. _Stay here with me_.'

'David,' sighed Kaz, unsure of what to make of this.

'I mean it,' said David, nestling his face against Kaz's. 'These past few weeks here have been heaven. I don't need anyone or anything else. All I need is you. All I want is you. I've never been so sure of anything else in my life.'

'David, I-I,' stuttered Kaz.

'Just imagine how perfect it would be, living like this. Just you and me and nothing to get in our way any more. Just think about how happy we would be together.' He kissed Kaz softly on the cheek.

'You could be happy here.'

Kaz found himself freezing up. He opened his mouth, but remained quiet, unsure of what to say that wouldn't hurt David. 

'Kaz?' asked David, prompting Kaz for a response. He pushed himself up on his elbow and looked at Kaz's face. 'You would be happy here with me, right?' There was an undertone of alarm in his voice. Kaz couldn't bring himself to answer. 

' _Kaz?_ 'After a moment, the silence spoke for itself.

'Oh,' sighed David, lowering his eyes. David sat upright and slowly turned his head away from Kaz. He pursed his lips and tried desperately to push down the sudden ache in his chest. He felt his eyes begin to water. 'I see.' 

Scrunching his eyes shut, Kaz braced himself for a conversation that he was hoping to never have.

'David, no, no I'm sorry, it's not like that,' started Kaz, sitting up. He reached an arm out to hold David's shoulder, but decided against it as he saw David move away from him.

'It's ok,' replied David, his voice shaky as he struggled to fight back tears. 'I should never have brought it up, I should never have-'

'-no, David, it's not-'

'-I was just stupid to even hope that you'd feel the same-' David's pace began to quicken as he held his biceps and brought his knees to his chest. 

'-David, please-' begged Kaz.

'-I mean you told me, you warned me not to let myself fall for you and fuck I couldn't even get that right!' spat David, breaking down into tears. 'I'm so fucking embarrassed, I'm so fucking _ashamed_.'

'David, no, no, it's not like that at all,' replied Kaz immediately. 'You know I care for you, dearly. In a way that-that I haven't felt in God knows how long, it's just that I...' His voice trailed off as he tried desperately to formulate an answer to the boy whose heart he knew he was breaking. David lifted his head and looked at Kaz with sad eyes that expected to be let down. The guilt was unbearable.

'I haven't been happy in a long, long time,' admitted Kaz. He hated feeling so bared. 'At least, not in the way that you want, not in a way that's ever lasted.' David's face began to soften. 

'It's not your fault, and it's absolutely not personal, it's just that I-' Kaz let out a long, pained sigh. 'I can't help it. And I wish I could get better for you, but even here with you and everything I've ever wanted, I know that I'll just...' Kaz shook his head, bringing his hands to his temples and pulling his hair in his fists in frustration. 

'I promised you I wouldn't lie to you any more, David.' His voice was quiet and raw. 'I'm sorry I keep hurting you. I'm sorry that I'm letting you down, it's just... I...' He lowered his hands.

Both men stared forward, unable to face the other. They sat in silence with a tacit understanding of each other's pain. After a moment, David reached his hand and placed it over Kaz's. He continued to look ahead.

'You know,' began Kaz. 'There are some times and some people in life who you just- you just want to do everything to save them. You keep trying and trying and trying, but things just aren't getting better and suddenly it's too late. They're gone and eventually you realise that whatever you did, it was never going to work. 

'I don't know if I'll ever get better, David. I don't know if I'll ever feel whole and happy in a way that you want. In a way that you deserve. That pain of realising that it was never _enough_ , I- I don't want you feeling like that.'

David blinked as cold, heavy tears collected in the corner of his eyes and trailed over his cheeks.

'Will I ever be enough for you?' David asked, his voice utterly defenceless.

'David,' Kaz sighed reverently. He shut his eyes. He felt drained. The cold air hung heavily between the men. 

'You are so much more than I'll ever deserve.'

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm sorry this took so long!! I've just started a new job which is going to eat up *all* of my time. So I anticipate updates getting slow, I'm sorry! I'll try and make them better as a pay off or something.
> 
> I hope you enjoyed this chapter! Please feel free to let me know your thoughts in the comments below or on tumblr at 
> 
> http://cryingoverkaz.tumblr.com/
> 
> Hearing from you guys honestly makes my day.
> 
> Thanks so much for reading!! <3


	33. Tired

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> David stumbles upon his old photographs with Kaz.

Nearing the end of his time at Kaz's cabin, there was only one thing that David had left to sort out- the trunk of things that Kaz had left to him. Old and worse for wear, David eyes it suspiciously, unsure of whether he wanted to look inside. Frowning to himself gently he clasped his fingers on the edge of the trunk and pushed it open. The light that peaked through the opening pooled onto the edges of what looked like paper squares the outlines of two figures standing together-

-he shut the trunk immediately.

_Dammit Kaz._

He felt himself grip increasingly harder on the top of the trunk, his nails digging into the paint as it flaked away. Their old photographs.

His hands trembled. When Kaz had left him, when whatever they had was finally over. David swore to himself that he was done. That he had had enough, enough, _enough_ of longing and pining and needing and aching for the bastard that had ruined him. He clenched his teeth and felt tears, hot and fast, gathering over his cheeks as overwhelming waves of rage washed over his wearied mind. He bit down on his bottom lip and bowed his head, scrunching his eyes shut as he tried desperately not to drown.

It just wasn't fair. He didn't need this. Why would Kaz leave this here for him? Kaz wasn't here to mourn what they had lost; he wasn't the one who would be left behind; he didn't need to make sense of any of this mess. The bastard.

He flung the trunk open in one swift movement and dug his hands heedlessly through its contents. He pulled through the old Polaroids that they took when they went hiking together; through all of the letters that David had written to him over the past few years; through David's favourite jumper, shirt, scarf of Kaz's; through every single thoughtful, personal item that had meant so much to David. 

Within moments the letters were crumpled helplessly and the photographs scattered, thrown in fury across the cold, wooden floor. He hurled each item of clothing at the wall, trying desperately not to breathe in the smell of Kaz's old perfume. He tossed aside a battered worn down hip flask and grabbed Kaz's old scarf, bunching it up in his fist and hurtled it towards the staircase. It hit the bannister with a sudden thud and the sound of shattered glass, startling the puppy who had been sitting idly below the stairs. It scampered away.

Shit David growled to himself. He lumbered over, kneeling down to inspect the damage. He traced his fingers over the fabric – how did he always keep it so soft and inviting? It always felt to comforting against his skin when he – David let out a short sigh. Now was not the time. He began to unravel the scarf when-

-Aak!

David shook his hand and sucked on his ring finger, tasting blood where he had been cut by what was presumably broken glass. He felt the puppy approach carefully.

'Whoaa, hey there, buddy,' David murmured, picking up the huskey and placing it on the stairs 'you don't want to cut your paw like me.' It nuzzled his hand affectionately. 'Stay there for me, will you? I'll be with you in a moment, I promise, OK?' He ran his palm over the puppy's head soothingly and, once satisfied that it was settled enough to stay, he knelt down to pick up the scarf.

More cautiously this time, David brushed away the shards and saw what looked at first glance to be a corner of wood. Lowering his eyebrows he began to unfold the scarf and revealed a small, simple photo frame and, inside it, a now scratched photograph. He looked closer – it was a picture of David. Grinning widely, his head tilted back with candid boyish charm, he was holding a large malamute victoriously in his arms. David's youthful pride, however – toned, sturdy arms proudly on show as they effortlessly supported the weight of the overgrown puppy; the messy curl from his fringe grazing his forehead – was outshone by the sheer warmth and abandon in his smile. The David in that photograph had long since grown cold.

He leaned back onto the staircase and tilted his head back as he felt the weight of his grief pull him down. Closing his eyes, he breathed heavily as he began to weep for the innocence that he had lost.

 _You ruined me, Kaz_ he thought to himself, still gripping the scarf and broken photo frame. _Oh god you ruined me._

_I was so young, Kaz I – I was so lost._

_The way you touched me , the way you listened - that way you just always knew what was on my mind- nobody had ever reached me like that before. Nobody was ever that kind._ He shook his head. 

_How could you be so cruel? If only you had just used me and abandoned me like everyone else. Maybe then I could just hate you, Kaz, maybe then I could just move on and leave you behind._ He blinked, his cheeks cold from the trails of his tears. 

_But I'm stuck here, Kaz, stuck without you. Stuck alone and in love in your aftermath._ His chest heaved. _You let me fall for you, Kaz; I fell in love with you and it ruined me._

_You bastard. I wish you were here so I show you how much you ruined me. And how much you hurt me. And how much I hate you for everything you did to me and everything that we were._

Slowly, lethargically, he slid down onto the floor and leaned his head against the staircase. He was exhausted. 

_Just look at what's left of me, Kaz. Look at what I am without you._

David closed his eyes. In that moment he didn't want to open them again. He felt as if his body was laid out on the bottom of the ocean, anchored under the pull of the waves.

A short tug from the fabric of Kaz's scarf. Vacant, David loosened his grip gently. Friction and another pull and suddenly David's hand was empty. David's eye shot open – the puppy. The scarf!

By the time David clambered over himself, off the floor, and after the scarf, the puppy was already dashing to the kitchen. 

'No!' he called out, as he saw the puppy begin to tangle itself in the scarf and dig its claws through the wool. He heard the scarf begin to tear.

'No, no, no, no, no!' he stuttered, reaching and grabbing the scarf back to him. The puppy swung round, growling playfully as it sank its teeth into the old relic.

'Please,' he groaned, between every pull. He began to drag the puppy along with the scarf as he walked back towards the counter. 

'Just' – _tug_ \- 'let' – _tug_ – 'go!' Suddenly the puppy loosened its hold, sending David flying back. He stumbled into the counter with a sharp thud, his elbow flailing back and hitting dull ceramic when -

_-crash._

It happened too quickly for David to catch sight of Kaz's urn falling to the ground. All that he could see was the ashes settling over scattered, broken shards. With one hand wrenched in his hair, the other holding the battered remains of Kaz's scarf, David was too shocked to move.

With slow, steady frustration coiling through every fiber of his being, David dropped to his knees. Letting the scarf fall into the ashes below, David brought his hands to his face, and, all but clawing at his eyes, let out a deep, guttural scream.

The silence that followed was palpably strained. David felt his hands shaking as he lowered them to the floor, his finger tips coated in the remains of his lover. His breath became short, rolling hot over his lips. His mouth hung open as he stared helplessly at the mess that lay before him.

A small whimper from the corner of the kitchen interrupted the moment. Snapping out of his daze, David pushed himself off of the floor and walked over to the puppy.

'Oh hey, buddy,' he cooed. 'I'm sorry, I didn't mean to scare you.' He lunged over to the puppy, which flinched in response. 

'Oh buddy, buddy,' he continued, crouching to his knees and reaching a gentle hand over to the dog. 'I'm sorry, I know, I'm sorry.' The puppy, shuffled towards David's hand carefully.

'It's alright,' murmered David, softly. 'Nothing to be scared of. You're OK'. Unable to stay suspicious of David for more than 30 seconds, the dog nuzzled David's wrist. David bundled it in his arms and stood up, holding the puppy close.

'Well,' he sighed to the puppy, surveying the remains of his lover on the floor. 'Fuck.'

Pacing around the mess of the apartment, David looked desperately for something to replace Kaz's urn. He turned to the kitchen and placed the dog on the counter carefully.

'Promise me you'll stay put,' he mumbled to the puppy, pressing their noses together. David flung open the cupboard doors and rummaged through the bottles of alcohol.

'Goddammit, Kaz,' he muttered to himself. Reaching to the back of the cupboard, David wrapped his hand around something that felt appropriate. He pulled out a coffee jar and stared at it reluctantly. He cast a glance at the ashes of his master and back at the jar of coffee. Back to the ashes. Back to the jar. 

He let out a pained frown and shrugged.

'Sorry Kaz.'

He kneeled down to the floor and began to sift through the ashes and broken shards. The puppy crawled to the edge of the counter and watched curiously.

David shook his head in absurd disbelief as he scraped the last handful of ashes into the jar. He brought his attention to what was once David's favourite scarf that Kaz owned. The delicate twined wool was now tattered and torn; the mossy green was now dulled with ash. He held it fondly between his fingers, rolling its tethered remains between his fingertips for the one last time.

'I'm sorry, Kaz.'

He stood up and placed the scarf in the bin. He scanned his eyes over to the scattered letters and photographs in the room before him, and looked up to the puppy. He let out a sigh- he had a lot to tidy up.

**

Having spent what felt like many days passed out on Kaz's sofa, and many nights alone and awake in Kaz's bed, David had lost any sense of time or perspective staying in Kaz's old house. He wasn't sure whether it took him minutes or hours to tidy away everything that he had hurtled to the floor. 

David felt as if he had just reverted to autopilot, picking up every letter and photograph one by one until eventually, it was as if he- or Kaz- were never there.

Placing the letters back into the trunk, David's eyes fell to one small, plain envelope that had never been opened. He turned the envelope in his fingers and saw that it was addressed to him. He trailed his finger over the familiar handwriting. Staring at it blankly, he wondered whether he should open it, or toss it away and save himself the pain.

Too tired to make any decisions, he placed it in the inside pocket of his jacket, and, lighting himself a cigarette, lay down on the floor. He took a deep breath and stared vacantly at the ceiling. The puppy padded its way over to David and curled itself into a ball beside him. Absent mindedly he ran his hands through its soft, comforting fur.

He felt himself begin to drift off, his eyes fluttering shut, when a sudden turn of the lock on the front door pulled him back. He turned his head and watched as a small, slender figure, shouldered its way through the door, preoccupied by dragging along what looked like a heavy pair of suitcases.

David stood up and cautiously approached the figure. Cloaked in a large fur coat and a matching hat, the figure cursed as it unceremoniously dumped the suitcases onto the floor with what sounded like a heavy clunk of glass. The figure fussed at its coat, almost birdlike, as it brushed the snowflakes off of the fur.

Figuring that whoever this was was harmless, David coughed quietly to get its attention. No response.

'Umm,' began David. 'Hello?'

Immediately upon hearing David's voice, the figure let out a sharp gasp.

'Ah putain!' it squealed, pulling out a gun instinctively.

'Whoaa, whoa,' replied David, holding his hands up. 'I'm just -' His voice trailed off as the figure refused to lower the gun. It kept its aim steady as it removed its hat. Strands of blonde and grey tumbled downwards.

'Who the fuck are you?' she said, her voice unwavering as she beckoned David closer to the light. David stepped forwards.

'It's OK, I'm not going to hurt you, I-'

'Who are you and what are you doing in my friend's home?' she asked, resolute. She spoke quickly, her French accent machine gunning demands.

'Your friend?' replied David. 'You knew Miller too?' 

The figure frowned slightly, still suspicious of the man before her. David continued.

'You knew Kaz?'

She stared at David, her eyes scanning his face and decisively unpicking David's body language. David watched as her arm began to waver.

'Who...' she stuttered. 'Who are you?'

David figured that the woman would not take silence as an answer. 

'I-,' he began, unsure of what to say. 'I'm a friend of Kaz's too.' The woman frowned more intensely, her expression unamused and too impatient for equivocations. David relented.

'My name is David,' he replied. 'I, I-'

'You're David?' interrupted Cecile, her eyes widening in disbelief. David, shocked, made no reply. She blinked.

'What the hell are you doing here?'

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey pals,
> 
> Sorry this has taken me ages to post, this was sitting in draft form for at least a couple of months and in my head for longer. 
> 
> My writing is really rusty so I hope this doesn't show, but I'm glad I managed to post something at least.
> 
> Not sure if anyone is still around to read this, but I'll keep trying to write the rest and post it in a less ridiculously slow fashion. Bug me to stop being a fool and write the rest.
> 
> My thanks to BitterLittlePastry for putting up with me bash out which container was best to put Kaz's ashes in, and to RumbleSlug for suggesting a green scarf.
> 
> Feel free or let me know your thoughts in the comments below or on tumblr @cryingoverkaz, if you'd like. Always v grateful for feedback.
> 
> Hope you enjoyed!
> 
> Thanks for reading! <3


	34. -

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Cecile and David reminisce about their old friend Kaz.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey pals. This chapter marks the beginning of the end (!!!). The chapters that follow will all fit together to make the end. Without the rest of the ending they kind of feel like filler so if you'd rather wait and read the end in all one go, please do feel free to do so :) 
> 
> I'm uploading them bit by bit to try and gauge the reaction to the contents and style of these chapters. In short, I have no idea whether these will make much sense or have any appeal. 
> 
> For anyone who's reading in real time (or even if you read this all together and have any thoughts) please feel free to let me know what you make of this in the comments below or on tumblr @cryingoverkaz- it will be really, really helpful for me when it comes to editing the rest of the end (which is almost all written now, and will be posted once I pluck up the courage to his post.)
> 
> As always, sorry for the radio silence and awful delays and - more importantly - thank you for taking the time to read this! Can't believe it's finally coming to an end.
> 
> Hope you enjoy!
> 
> ***TWs for the chapters ahead: blood; hints to and discussions of suicide/mental illness.***

_The art of losing isn’t hard to master;_   
_so many things seem filled with the intent_   
_to be lost that their loss is no disaster._

He took a drag of his cigarette. The room was warm in the amber haze of the what was left of fire that they had lit. Pictures of Kaz and Cecile from Costa Rica were scattered carelessly across the table between the pair, as they lazed on the sofa and armchair. By now, Cecile, using one of Kaz's old jumpers as a blanket, had gone through every picture, telling David a silly anecdote almost always followed by a simple, mournful sigh. Holding the final photograph between her delicate fingers, she tossed it onto the table with the rest.

“But,” she concluded, “that part of him died a long, long time ago. I imagine he was a different man by the end.”

“Looks like it,” agreed David. “I can’t believe he was ever so…” his voice trailed off. Cecile let out a small laugh.

“Time changes even the best of us, kid,” she noted. David scoffed and raised his mug of vodka.

“I’ll drink to that.”

Cecile hummed and closed her eyes. She turned her head and attention to the boy before her.

“So how did you know him?”

“Met him when I joined the army,” he explained, pouring himself more vodka. “He taught me, well, everything I knew. He was a friend.” He paused. “We hadn’t spoken in a while.”

“Hmm,” she scoffed skeptically. “Right.” She cast an idle eye over her large glass as she carelessly swirled the wine inside. Her legs dangled off the edge of the sofa as she lay back, staring at the ceiling “So how long were you two fucking?

“I neve-“ began David. He was interrupted abruptly with a flat, knowing stare. Cecile turned her head to face David and raised a dubious eyebrow. Caring little for what was left of his boundaries, David flopped back onto his chair and ran an aimless hand through the puppy’s fur. The puppy curled up on his lap, content. David squinted almost resentfully.

“He told you?” he asked. She shook her head.

“No, no,” she replied. “He didn’t tell me anything by the end. Only that he didn’t want you having to deal with of his shit when he died. Otherwise I have no idea who you are.”

David shrugged and looked away.

“So how did you know?” A knowing smile crept up on her face.

“I knew the guy since the 70s, kid. I have a knack for these things.” Her voice was laced with pride. “Besides, nobody who met him after the 70s actually liked him, not unless there was something more.”

“Whoa, that’s not fair,” cut in David, his loyalty to Kaz, pitifully, still his instinct. “He had plenty of friends: his students, everyone- they loved him. He was our idol, they worshiped him, they adored him, he just –“ he tailed off. He lowered his eyes. “I guess he never saw that.” Cecile nodded.

“I can see that, I really can,” she mused, “but I don’t think that’s the same.” She raised a delicate hand. “Sure, everyone loved him- everyone always has and they always do. But nobody, nobody really _liked_ him.” She let out a small laugh. “I never really thought about the difference until I realised that about him.” She took a swig of her wine as David remained silent. “It’s easy to love somebody - it doesn't take much; it’s harder staying with somebody for long enough know them enough to like them.” She paused. “It must have been lonely.” 

David made no reply. She chuckled softly.

“You have no idea what I’m talking about, do you?” 

David smiled and shook his head.


	35. -

A dull, weary streetlight breaks through heavy, unwilling eyelids. Pulses of tension circle his temples and wring at his forehead. He takes a reluctant breath and feels the knotted rope roll around his burned, blistered neck. The edge of the rug scratches his cheek.

How did he let this get so far?

The frayed top of the noose blurs into focus as he absent-mindedly runs his hands through the feathered ends around his throat. 

Perhaps, he wonders, perhaps this was just how things had always been. After all, he can’t have a fall from grace if he was graceless to begin with. Perhaps, he wonders, he had always been this helpless. He groans. 

His hungover self curses his drunken self, who couldn’t even get a simple noose right. He coughed. His drunken self was an ass. His sober self is too, he concedes, but his drunken self was incompetent, which, to Kaz, is unforgivable. He lets out another dry cough and hoists his tired body to the window.

He stretches out his neck and immediately winces. It’s dark outside. He can barely see through the glass and past his blurred reflection. He thinks back to his former self. Handsome, charming, full of hope. A leader; a visionary. He blinks, frowning at his hazy image before him. He looked awful. What _happened?_

At least back then he had vision. Or, perhaps, so he thought – after all, his dreams never did amount to much. Was he chasing ambition or running from the truth that really he was just hollow inside? At least back then, he concedes, he had a distraction. Now, in this dark, unfeeling apartment, old and arched beside a window with a noose around his neck, there is nothing left for him to cling to.

He figures it must take a lot of energy trying to fight a fear of being nothing. He unties the noose and lets the rope hang idly over his collarbones. He clutches his metal hand around his elbow. His fingers are cold.

Life got easier when he stopped struggling. Life got easier when he just gave up. 

The phone rings.

**  
“Kaz,” said David as he huddled by the payphone. His eyelashes fluttered as he idly watched the mist roll from his breath. He glanced over his shoulder. The evening air was cold on hips lips. “It’s me.” 

“David?” David held his breath, before letting out a short, incredulous laugh.

“David,” the voice continued, confused. “Hello?” David shook his head.

“Yeah,” he replied, still mildly taken aback. “Yes, it’s me. Sorry, I wasn’t really expecting you to pick up the phone.” A pause, before he heard Kaz let out a small chuckle.

“Well,” mused Kaz, “I can’t say I blame you, given my track record.” His lips widened into a small smile. He felt himself grow nervous. He watched the figures on the street walk past as he huddled himself into his coat.

“It’s,” began David. “It’s been a while. It’s good to hear your voice again.” Another small laugh from Kaz who sounded flattered, if bashful.

“Are you around?” continued David, encouraged by Kaz’s seemingly jovial mood. “I’m in town if you’re free to meet for a drink, or…”

“You’re in town? What are you doing here?” David lowered his gaze.

“Didn’t you hear? Jenny’s getting married,” explained David. “I’m currently at the rehearsal dinner. In fact, I was surprised you weren’t there too.” David paused. “We all were.”

“Surprised?” His voice was coarse and flat, but his tone was friendly. “You really mustn’t know me at all.” 

“Perhaps that’s what happens when you don’t keep up in contact with your friends,” retorted David coyly. A short pause.

“We’re friends?” joked Kaz. David felt himself blush – he simultaneously loved and hated Kaz’s humour.

“Hmmm,” began David, “Just about.” He smiled. “Despite everything.” He took a breath. “Come meet me for a drink, Kaz. It’s been so long.” Another reluctant pause, too long for David’s comfort.

“Oooor,” continued David, breaking the silence, “I can always turn up drunk outside your flat- I know how much you love that.” He heard Kaz let out a short sigh, and imagined Kaz rolling his eyes.

“Fine,” huffed Kaz. “When and where?” 

David blinked - he could barely contain his boyish grin.

**

“Ok – I’ll see you there in an hour.” Kaz hung up the phone, dazed by the strangely playful conversation that they had just had. How was David always so disarming? 

His eyes widened with sudden realization. He sprinted to the bathroom and stared into the mirror, stretching his neck. He ran his fingers over the welts over his Adam’s apple, flinching slightly. He looked at the dried blood on his hand from the burn on his neck. 

He went to find his first aid kit. It needed to be covered up, for fear of the wound reopening. A dressing, however, would be too easy to spot. He winced as he cleaned the burn – a scarf would just have to do.


	36. -

“So is this your dog, or?” asked Cecile as she cuddled the puppy closer. She pressed her face into its warm, soft fur.

“Hmm?” replied David, lighting another cigarette. “Oh, the puppy. Yeah, yeah.” 

“What’s her name?” Tipsy, she cradled the puppy languidly like a child.

“She’s called….” David, caught off guard, trailed off. “Uhhh….”

Cecile frowned, saying nothing. David quickly learned that Cecile had a flair for silent interrogation.

“Fine,” admitted David. “I found her in the basement.” Shocked, she held up the puppy and tilted her head.

“Poor baby,” she cooed. “Poor, scrawny little wretch.” She set the puppy down.

“You should give her a name,” Cecile insisted. 

“I don’t know, I’m not really good with these things,” whined David, eyeing the puppy as it scampered off.

“I can’t believe you didn’t name her before,” she chided. David shrugged, a cigarette in one hand, a mug of vodka in the other.

“I was busy!” he countered. Cecile raised an eyebrow and cast her eye to the now almost empty liquor cabinet.

“Yeah, I can tell,” she replied, letting out a small laugh. She sighed. “Well, I don’t blame you.” She took another gulp of wine. “This whole affair is so depressing.”

David scoffed.

“You’re telling me.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I don't know what to call the dog. Any suggestions?? Let me know here or on tumblr at cryingoverkaz


	37. -

_Lose something every day. Accept the fluster_  
_of lost door keys, the hour badly spent._  
_The art of losing isn’t hard to master._

All it was, was a drink, he told himself. He would meet up with the boy, have a catch up over a drink, and leave. Nothing more. That wouldn’t be so hard, right? 

He breathed in smoke and second-hand air.

He blinked. _Had the bars always been this crowded?_ Kaz squinted through his glasses and huddled into his scarf as he waded through the waves of unfamiliar faces. In the back of his mind he wished that he had stayed at home, alone. A haze of voices blurred together around his head, chest tightened with every step he took further into the what felt like a crowd. He walked underwater. Increasingly anxious eyes scanned the room as it began to spin around him, until a voice from behind him, clear and calm cut through the noise.

“ _Kaz, over here!_ ” 

Kaz felt himself jump, startled, before snapping his gaze towards the voice. David waved from a booth in the corner, hidden away from the clusters of bodies. Kaz walked over.

“You walked straight past.” David handed Kaz a tumbler of whiskey, which he accepted with gratitude. “You must have just missed me.” 

Kaz sat across from David and patted down his coat.

“Was this place always so crowded?” he asked, frowning as he glanced over his shoulder.

David, taking advantage of having Kaz turned away, ran his eyes over the arch of Kaz’s back, smiling to himself. He let out a small, dismissive laugh.

“You haven’t changed a bit,” David noted coyly. Kaz returned his gaze to David and smiled back.

“Sounds like you haven’t, either, kid,” he rejoined, taking off his coat and setting it by his side. “Still a little brat, as always.” He lit a cigarette and passed it to David. “How come you’re not still at the dinner? I’m sure your friends will miss you.”

David took a drag of his cigarette.

“Could ask you the same question,” he replied. Kaz raised an eyebrow at David. “Jenny was hoping you would make it.”

“Were you always such combative conversation, David?” joked Kaz, lighting a cigarette for himself. The lighter flickered behind his palm. David smirked.

“Has it really been so long since we spoke that you’ve forgotten my razor-sharp wit?” retorted David.

“I don’t know, I’d say your humour was more blunt.” David scowled at Kaz immediately. Kaz held his gaze before turning away and shaking his head to himself. “I don’t think Jennifer cared all that much, David,” he answered. “I don’t think anybody would want their old, washed up teacher hanging around.” David hummed.

“They miss you, Kaz.” He lowered his eyes and glanced at the brassy whiskey in his glass. “I think maybe you underestimate how others see you. I know this may seem difficult to compute, but people do actually like you.”

Kaz pursed his lips, uncomfortable with David’s words. He exhaled sharply.

“Bullshit." A pause. "How are you, David?” he asked, eager to move the conversation forward. David nodded nonchalantly.

“Good, thanks.” He raised his eyes and stared directly at Kaz. “And you?” Kaz blinked under David’s suddenly dissecting stare. Did he always have to be so cutting? He took a small breath and, stony faced replied:

“Fine, thanks.” 

As David continued to stare, Kaz wasn’t sure if David really believed him. A pause. _Was David toying with him?_ wondered Kaz as he met David’s eyes. David’s lips grew into a warm, genuine smile, seemingly convinced. In the back of his mind, Kaz let out a short sigh of relief.

“I’m glad to hear that,” replied David. He loosened the knot on his tie and took it off, placing it by his side. 

“Doesn’t feel right being in a tie, at least not with you,” he mumbled, his cigarette between his teeth.

“What,” Kaz teased, “you mean drinks with me isn’t a black-tie event?” David rolled his eyes and shook his head leaning back as he began to talk idly. Kaz lowered his eyes.

David’s top button was unbuttoned. His throat was effortlessly framed by his collar, ever so slightly crumpled where he had swiftly removed his tie. Was it unbuttoned before? Kaz had forgotten how David always managed to look so perfectly composed when he was undone. 

He drew his eyes over the lines of David’s neck and rested at his jaw. His bottom lip curved into a slightly crooked smile as he spoke. Coming to a pause, David took a sip of his drink before continuing his story. The whiskey lapped the edge of his lip. His jaw was strong and sharp; his mouth was soft and full. 

One particularly enlivened sentence in his anecdote and David rolled his eyes and shook his head. He brushed back his hair with his fingers. Did his hair always fall that way? That little curl that grazed his eyebrow always was a distraction. Kaz’s eyes followed every curve of David’s face, the dim light of the bar resting on his cheeks. Animated eyes would dart from thought to thought, carelessly in David’s head until, decidedly, they would lock with Kaz’s in one swift blow. 

How could he slip from playful to predator with such graceful ease? _Was this his tactic?_ wondered Kaz. Was this how he speared so concisely through people’s defenses?

David gazed unflinchingly into Kaz’s eyes, waiting for a response. What were they talking about again? Kaz watched his lips move, but heard no sound but the distant blur of the people around them. His head was underwater. He blinked.

“I said,” repeated David, “was it cold outside?” Perplexed and suspicious, Kaz lowered his eyebrows.

“Yes,” he replied, “I suppose so- why?” David raised his eyebrows and tilted his head towards Kaz, with a slight, mischievous grin. He looked Kaz up and down and leaned in.

“You’re blushing, Kaz,” he all but whispered, “that’s why.” 

Kaz’s eyes widened, mortified at the mess he had so easily become in David’s hands. Caught red-handed, and unable to think of any dignified response, Kaz burst into an embarrassed laughter, snickering like a child as he scrunched his eyes shut. He covered his face with his hands.

David joined in too, laughing heartily, unable to hide his utter fondness for the wreck before him. He fought back the urge to wrap his arm around Kaz’s waist and kiss him slowly then and there. Instead, as their laughter died down, he leaned back and raised his chin, lowering his eyes to survey the ash tray. 

“You know,” he began, stubbing out his cigarette with force “those sunglasses don’t hide as much as you think they do.” He finished his drink and sat his glass down firmly on the table. He looked up at Kaz.

“Come on, let’s get out of this dump.”

What was left of Kaz’s reason told him that this was a terrible idea. Kaz gulped the rest of his drink in one go and threw some money onto the table. He met David’s expectant stare.

“Let’s go.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> They are bad at flirting.


	38. -

“ _Do you regret it?_ ” she asked, breaking their silence.

“Regret what?” he replied, lying back into his chair and closing his eyes.

“The time you spent with him?” A brief pause. He furrowed his brow.

“I –“ he began, “I don’t know.”

“If you can’t say you don’t regret it,” she concluded, “then the likelihood is, you regret it.”

David let out a short laugh and took a long drag of his cigarette.


	39. -

_Then practice losing farther, losing faster:_  
_places, and names, and where it was you meant_  
_to travel. None of these will bring disaster._

The door was barely shut before David pounced on Kaz. Pinned against the wall underneath the weight of David’s body, Kaz shut his eyes and moaned helplessly into their kiss.

_This was a terrible idea._

David lunged forward with each turn of his lips, unbuttoning Kaz’s coat and roaming his hands fervently over the hollows of Kaz’s hips- around his curve of his waist- across the breadth of shoulders, before letting the coat fall to the floor. He brought his hands to the sides of Kaz’s face, running a tender thumb over each cheekbone, before tangling his fingers in Kaz’s hair and pulling their faces together desperately as they kissed.

David moved with pure, distilled lust in his attack. Drawing his hands to Kaz’s waist, David pressed his entire body against Kaz’s, using his knee to force Kaz’s legs open as they stood. He broke apart from their kiss to sink a deep bite into Kaz’s ear. Before Kaz could even wince, David spread his palms against Kaz’s ass and, pushing Kaz’s pelvis forward, thrust his hips against Kaz’s, pulsing them together and drawing out a sharp gasp from Kaz.

_This had to stop. Kaz didn’t want David to see the-_

-David forced his hands down Kaz’s trousers, palming Kaz’s dick brazenly through his boxers. Kaz began to pant as David drew his predatory tongue slowly down his jaw, resuming their kiss fervently. David used his free hand to stroke the side of Kaz’s face before working on undoing Kaz’s scarf.

Kaz began to panic- he couldn’t let David see the marks.

Kaz wrapped his hands around each of David’s wrists commandingly and pulled away from their kiss. David’s chest heaved as he stared at Kaz with raw, unrefined desire. Kaz met his stare, letting go of David, stepped backwards towards the sofa slowly. David’s hands dropped. Kaz lay back onto the sofa, spreading his legs invitingly.

_What was he doing? This was a terrible idea._

Hypnotised, David removed his coat and threw it over the armchair before charging towards Kaz and diving into his arms. They kissed and they kissed and they kissed as David drove his body vehemently into Kaz’s. Kaz, realizing that it would only be a matter of time before his scarf – and the rest of his clothes- came off, used what little he had left of his self-control and reached back to dim the light on the lamp beside them.

David, caught offguard, was mildly confused, but ultimately too caught up in his avid desire to fuck his master senseless to care. He straddled Kaz and pushed his hand underneath Kaz’s shirt, digging his nails powerfully into Kaz’s skin and dragging them across his body. David felt the body beneath him tense up as Kaz flinched. He broke away from their kiss.

“Kaz, are you O-“ he began before Kaz interrupted him with another kiss, nipping David’s lip with his teeth. Swept up in his embrace, David continued, removing his hands from Kaz’s shirt to undo Kaz’s scarf, desperate to latch his mouth over that neck that haunted his dreams. Finally freed of the scarf, David dove his face into Kaz’s neck, running his tongue over Kaz’s skin and preparing to suck a deep lovebite over his throat when Kaz winced again. Kaz gripped the sofa and bit back a groan in pain. David stopped immediately and pushed himself off Kaz.

“Kaz, what’s wrong, are you alright?” Kaz nodded hastily

“It’s nothing, don’t worry about it,” he mumbled as he tried to pull David back down onto him. David wouldn’t budge.

“Kaz, something’s wrong, did I hurt you, is something-“

-“It’s fine, David, quit worrying, just – “ David squinted.

“I can barely see you in this light,” David continued, reaching over Kaz to the lamp, “let me just- ”.

“David, don’t-“

_Click._

Dim ochre light flooded the room. David looked down at Kaz, who had wrapped the scarf around his neck once more. He squinted in confusion at the man below him, who almost seemed to shrink back into the sofa.

A dark smudge on the fabric of Kaz’s scarf began to grow.

“Kaz,” began David, bringing a gentle hand to Kaz’s collar. “Kaz, are you _bleeding_?” Kaz immediately covered up the patch on his neck with his hand and edged backwards.

“Kaz, what happened?” continued David, the concern rapidly mounting in his voice. “How did you wound your neck? Did someone cut you, did someone hurt you? Who-”

“-It’s a burn,” interrupted Kaz. “It’s,” he sighed, conceding defeat. He loosened the scarf. “It’s a rope burn.” David blinked, processing the information.

“But, but,” he stammered. “But ho-“

Kaz interrupted David with a frank, grounded stare. Wordlessly, the pieces fell together for David. Kaz watched as David went from elated to confused to heartbroken. He looked away.

“Oh, Kaz,” he began, disappointed. “Again?” He pushed himself off Kaz. He shook his head. “I never knew, I… I thought you were-, you said that you-, you said –“

“David, please, don’t,” cut in Kaz. “Please, don’t get upset, I didn’t want you to see, I didn’t think you’d ever see, I…” Their voices both trailed off. A pause.

“Well,” sighed Kaz. “What did you expect?”

Silent, and sat at each other’s sides, the men were worlds apart. They stared at each other and, in that moment, were strangers.

“God, Kaz,” sighed David wearily. He lowered his eyes and stared at the floor in front of him. 

“ _What happened to us?_ ”


	40. Cold Wind

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> They scatter his ashes.

_Who has seen the wind?_  
_Neither I nor you._  
_But when the leaves hang trembling,_  
_The wind is passing through._

Cecile let out a short grunt as she dug her heel into the ground. David stretched out his hand and hoisted her up.

“Fuck, it’s freezing,” she spat as she huddled her arms together. “I just cannot understand how you and Kaz enjoy this place.” David let out a short laugh and shook his head.

“Here, give me the ashes; you can carry the puppy,” he replied. “It should be an easy path from here”. David took the coffee pot and handed Cecile the puppy, who immediately wrapped it in her coat, pressing her nose into the fur. They walked.

The soft breeze shook the bare branches around them. Cecile’s eyes followed the moonlight as it draped through the gaps in the silhouetted boughs. The world around them was black and silver, and nothing in between.

“David,” she asked, her voice tinged with fear, “are you sure you know where we’re going?”

“Just a little farther now, I promise,” assured David. He reached forward, pushing away the undergrowth to make a clearing for Cecile.

“There you go,” he continued. “Be careful, watch out for the cliff edge.”

Cecile watched as pearls of light pooled on the floor, invitingly. As she walked through, the world unfolded before her eyes. The sky, which had been hidden by the gridlock of branches and foliage burst to life, clear and speckled with endless stars. 

The water below, deep and unyielding, mirrored the kaleidoscopic skies, casting its image to infinity. The surface was still, save for flashes of light in the ripples water. Boundless mountains looked flat in the skyline, their outlines mere shadow puppets against a backdrop of light. She craned her head upwards, unable to take in the full scope of these sights. Holding the puppy, which was sleeping restfully, in one arm she turned to David, who stood beside her silently. 

“David?” she asked. 

“Mmm?” David kept his eyes on the panorama before them.

“This isn’t too clichéd, is it?” David looked over at her bluntly and laughed.

“Well,” he replied, shrugging. “It’s better than nothing.” He looked out. Cecile looked forward too.

“Better than a coffee pot,” she added bleakly. They both let out a short snicker and smiled. She shook her head. David nodded and shrugged again.

He sighed. “He’d have found it funny at least.” Cecile hummed in agreement.

“I suppose he would have.” A silence fell between the pair. A cold wind flowed through the air.

David placed an arm on Cecile’s shoulder. He held out the coffee pot.

“Why don’t you do the honours?” he said gently. She looked at David reluctantly and, after letting out a deep breath, took the ashes.

“Coward,” she muttered under her breath, trying and failing, to deflect her nerves with humour. David, realising this, patted her shoulder, and rested his hand there.

“Well since I dropped his ashes once,” he joked, “Figured you should have a go too.” A pause. “You were his oldest friend.” She blinked and stared straight ahead, unwavering. Silence.

“I’m not ready for this.” Her voice was clear. He gave her shoulder a short, comforting squeeze. He lowered his arm. He stared straight ahead.

“Is anyone?” He replied. She let out one final sigh.

Cecile removed the cap of the coffee pot and poured the ashes over the cliff’s edge. Resolute, they stood, watching wordlessly as the last remnants of their friend began to dissolve into the night. The leaves behind them hung trembling. They stared straight ahead. A cold wind passed through.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is the penultimate post!! The next installment I post will be everything that's left of this fic!! I can't believe it'll be over so soon. How do you think this is going to end? I'm curious to know...
> 
> Thank you so much for reading!


	41. Intimacy

He turned away from David. Standing up and walking to the bookcase, he leaned back and pulled the scarf around his neck. Silence.

“What are you doing here, David?” His words fell sharp, point by point. 

David rolled his eyes and looked away.

“I came for the wedding,” he replied. 

Kaz remained silent, as if to ridicule David’s response. David hazarded a glance at Kaz, who had raised an eyebrow, unimpressed. David scowled to himself and lowered his gaze again.

“Ok fine, I thought you might be there,” he huffed. “Even if you weren’t, I knew you would be here.” He threw his hands up. “There – I’ve admitted it. Are you done? Are you done humiliating me?”

“I’m not trying to humiliate you, David.“ A pause. 

“Well guess what, Kaz, you did it anyway,” David spat, his voice strained. “Are you happy now?” A pointed silence. 

“David, I’m not-” he began, “You know that –“ Kaz let out a sigh and looked to his side. “You shouldn’t have come here,” he replied solemnly. “I mean, what did you expect?”

“ _Expect_?” David’s turned his head sharply. “What do you mean by _that_?” Kaz grit his teeth.

“Dammit, David, you know that I –“ he shook his head. “I don’t mean that-I” Another sigh. “Well, after everything that’s happened you’d think you would know better than to-“

“-I’d know? I’d know _better_?” cut in David abruptly. “Oh no, don’t you give me that bullshit, Kaz, don’t you _dare_!” He stood up and faced Kaz. “For years you’ve used me and manipulated me like your little puppet and you have the audacity to tell me to blame this on me? After everything you’ve done and you’re trying to pin this on me?”

“David,” objected Kaz, his palm clutching his forehead. “David, that’s not what I meant, I’m not blaming anyone, you know that’s not what I-“

“-Oh I know, do I?” he cried. “You really expect that from me?” His voice was fraught with frustration. He clenched his fists, his fury spiralling. “Because funnily enough, Kaz, all I ever get from you is all of these cryptic, bullshit signals.” He tilted his head and glared at Kaz.

“You’re a hurricane, you know that?” he hissed as he began to pace the room. “You just storm through life, ripping apart everything in your wake.” He let out an exasperated sigh and threw his arms up in the air as he paced.

“You’re kind, then you’re cruel; you lather me with affection, then stab me in the back.” He looked directly at the floor with widened eyes. “One minute we’re in love, the next I’m alone. One minute we’re laughing, and the next I find you half dead on the floor with your body full of morphine-“

“-David-” warned Kaz raising a hand, his palm flat.

“-Or,” continued David, shaking his head, the bitterness rising in his voice, “drunk in the bathtub with a blunt knife dangling in one hand and a gashed wrist on the other, or-”

“-Don’t, _please_ -“

“-Or,” David stood on the spot and, darting his gaze firmly at Kaz, pointed his finger at the man before him, “with a brand-new set of rope burns around your neck, God do you know how you make me _feel!?_ ” His voice cracked, caustic. He looked over at Kaz who remained silent. He felt his anger begin to wane as the severity of his words sank in. He let out a deep sigh and wrapped his palms around his elbows, shrinking in.

“Look, I’m sorry you feel this way, Kaz,” he began, his voice softened by guilt. “I-I’m sorry that this is so hard for you, I truly am. But that, that doesn’t mean you can treat me like this.” He looked away.

“I’m not your rag doll that you can toy with whenever you don’t want to be alone, Kaz. I’m sorry that you’re hurt, I’m sorry about whatever it was that broke you, but-I-“ he forced himself to look at Kaz from across the room. He sighed.

“I love you, but I won’t be your collateral damage.”

Kaz stood above David, his arm folded across his chest. He stared at David solemnly.

“ _Then what are you doing here_?” 

David paused, the weight of Kaz’s words heavy on his weary shoulders. He felt himself begin to crumble under Kaz’s gaze. A silence, too long for comfort, lingered as David struggled to piece together the remains of his feelings for Kaz.

“I,” he began, unsure of what to say. He lowered his eyes mournfully. “I don’t know.” He let out a small breath “I don’t know,” he repeated to himself. Affirmed, Kaz remained silent, letting David’s revelation sink in.

“Kaz,” began David, breaking the silence, “this isn’t- this isn’t you.” Kaz shook his head dismissively.

“David, you don’t know what you’re talking about.” David stepped forward towards Kaz, emboldened.

“No, Kaz,” insisted David, “I know you, Kaz, and this? This incapacitating grief, this pain- Kaz it’s not you.” He took Kaz’s hand and continued.

“Kaz, you are brilliant. You’re intelligent, you’re powerful, you’re stubborn – you never give up, Kaz, you never give in. Kaz there’s- there’s so much more to you than this, I know there is, I know there it I-.” Kaz removed his hand roughly, pushing David away.

“-You don’t know me,” he hissed. He looked back at the boy before him. He looked so young. “You have no idea who I am, or what I’ve done.” He turned and began to walk away. “What, you think that just because we fucked on and off for five minutes of my life, you understand anything about who I am?” A sharp turn of David’s head.

“It might be nothing to you,” he cut back swiftly, following Kaz, “but that was most of my life.” 

Kaz stopped in his tracks- David was right. 

“That was my twenties.”

A brief silence. David stepped in closer to Kaz. He reached out his hand to Kaz’s shoulder.

“I know you think that I’m just a child, Kaz,” continued David, with quiet, dignified determination. “I still know you better than anyone else.” He turned Kaz to face him and lay his palm on the side of Kaz’s face. He ran his thumb tenderly over the edge Kaz’s cheekbone. Clear, infinite eyes, stared lovingly, pleading with the man before him. 

“There’s so much to you that you don’t see, Kaz,” he whispered. Kaz looked away. David moved closer, leaning his forehead against Kaz’s and caressing his cheek more fervently.

“But I can still see it Kaz, and I know that deep down you are so much more than this.” Kaz shut his eyes. “It’s not too late to bring you back, Kaz.” Kaz felt his breathing begin to stutter. David closed his eyes and held their faces together. 

“It’s not too late-“

“-David, please don’t-”

“-Come back to me, Kaz,” David begged. His hands trembled. “Please, please come back to me. I love you, I need you to come back.” They froze together, paralyzed as if, for a brief moment, something stirred within the depths of Kaz’s chest. As if, for a brief moment, Kaz believed in David’s words. They held their breaths. Their lips almost touched.

“ _David_ ,” sighed Kaz, bringing his hand up to David’s wrist and pushing himself away. He shook his head and stepped aside.

“David, no, I can’t- I-“ he walked away, letting David’s hand drop.

“Kaz, no,” pleaded David, following Kaz, “you have to believe me, you have to-“

“No, David, I can’t – you-” continued Kaz, refusing to look at David. “Just stop, David. You- you don’t-.”

“-Kaz, please! Don’t do this to us, Kaz, please, we can make this work, I promise, just-“ Kaz clenched his fist and spun around to face David in a flash of rage.

“Goddammit David, you just don’t understand!” erupted Kaz. His entire body was fraught with fury. David was stunned to silence.

“All of that cruelty, all of those lies?” he cried, his voice raw, grated in agony. “David, that was _me_.” Kaz felt his chest begin to cave. “Everything that hurt you, David, everything that ruined you- David, that was me.” He shook his head. “No amount of kindness or affection or love can undo that.”

“Kaz,” whimpered David, “Kaz, please…” 

“Just look at me, David,” he said, exasperated. “Look at the failure of a man that I’ve become.” He paused. He took a breath.

“I am all of the things that have hurt you,” he continued. “Nothing more. There is no deep down, not to me. This all I am, David. This is all I’ll ever be.” His chest heaved. “Stop pretending that there’s still something left to fight for.” 

David watched, his mouth open, distraught. 

“There’s nothing left to fight for.”

Kaz turned away and walked to the window. He sighed.

“I can’t keep pretending, David.” His voice was soft and low, defeated. “I can’t fight it anymore.” 

“ _Kaz_ ,” David whispered, tears beginning to form as he felt his heart begin to break. David dropped his head. Kaz ran a hand through his hair and rested it on his forehead. Silence.

“I- I think you should leave,” Kaz said quietly. “You’ll only make things harder for yourself if you stay.” He lowered his eyes. “You should let go before it’s too late.”

David let out a long breath and closed his eyes. After all those years, this was finally over.

“I- I guess you’re right,” he conceded, stunned by Kaz’s words. His chest felt hollow. He stood up, collecting his coat, which was draped across the chair. He scanned the floor before him.

“Wow,” he sighed, almost incredulous. “What a waste.” 

Kaz let out a soft laugh.

“I know, right?” 

David raised his stare and met Kaz’s eyes. The pair shared one final tired smile from across the room.

“Goodbye, David,” said Kaz from the window.

David walked over to the door. 

“Goodbye, Kaz.” 

Reaching for the door handle, he stopped in his tracks. He looked back. He was silhouetted against the window where the moonlight fell. Cold shadows settled on his shoulders. David watched as he turned and walk away. How could someone so fragile have so much power over David? David stared as he felt the sorrow inside his chest swell to waves of blank white rage. 

Against every self-preservationist instinct in his body, David turned around and marched with burning tenacity towards Kaz. He reached out to Kaz’s shoulder and spun him around so that they faced each other. In one swift movement, David grabbed a Kaz by the arms. Standing tall, he clenched his teeth and yanked Kaz towards him, closing the distance between their faces. Bold, piercing eyes bore through the darkness of Kaz’s glasses with proud, unwavering grace. His chest heaved.

“Don’t you dare think for one second that you can just tell me to leave, you patronizing son of a _bitch_ ,” he growled wolfishly through his gritted teeth. He tilted his head and glared in fury into Kaz’s guarded eyes. He shook him roughly.

“What – don’t you think that if I could have left you I’d have been long gone by now? Just look at what you’ve done to me.” He wrenched the fabric in his fists tighter. 

“I _hate_ you,” David hissed. “Not a single day goes by where I don’t have to live in the consequences of your cruel, careless existence and I regret with every inch of my being the moment that I ever laid eyes on you.” His hands shook as he pushed Kaz back against the wall.

“But God I love you, Kaz. I always have and despite everything, I always, always will.” He continued to stare relentlessly. “And I am trapped to just follow you, and worship you, and love you, and need you like the helpless dog of your wars that I am, until there is nothing left of me, Kaz, until you’ve finally bled me dry.”

His breaths became short as he felt himself begin to suffocate. It was as if all of his energy had bled from his body. He loosened his grip and palms onto the sides of Kaz’s arms. He blinked as he broke eye contact with Kaz. 

“It’s- it’s too late for me, Kaz” he stuttered. He bowed his head and scrunched his eyes shut as they welled up. “It’s too late for me, I can’t get out, I-.”  
Kaz, shell-shocked, watched as David entire body trembled. Kaz felt the weight of David’s body arching into itself, his knees beginning to buckle. He staggered backwards, shaking his head. 

“It’s too late, I-I“

Without any thought or hesitation Kaz lept forward and caught David as he fell into his arms, holding David to his chest as David began to crumble into uncontrollable tears. Kaz ran his hand over David’s back. 

“It’s ok, David, it’s ok.” He pressed his face into David’s hair peppering small kisses onto his head. “You’re going to be alright, I promise, I promise.”

“I tried so hard,” cried David, clinging to Kaz and trembling. “I really, really _tried..._ ”

Kaz closed his eyes as he bundled David in closer.

“I’m sorry, I’m sorry,” he repeated. “I’m so, so sorry.”

“Please don’t make me leave,” begged David fervently through his tears. “I can’t, I just can’t- I-”

“-It’s ok baby, you’re going to be ok, I promise,” continued Kaz, twining his fingers through David’s hair, “everything’s going to be alright, I promise-”

“I tried so hard, I really tried…” his words trailed off as he wept into Kaz’s shirt. Kaz held the back of David’s head and rested him against the edge of the cabinet. He cradled David in his arms for a while, holding him close.

Feeling himself calm down after a moment, David lifted his head. He grabbed a fistful of Kaz’s shirt and, utterly helpless, looked up at the man who had wounded him so deeply. Their eyes met. Slowly, David brought his hand to Kaz’s face and stroked the tips of fingers along Kaz’s jaw. He removed Kaz’s glasses and set them aside, laying his hand on Kaz’s cheek. He blinked. 

He never stood a chance.

He hooked his palm onto the back of Kaz’s neck and pulled his body up into Kaz’s in a deep, desperate kiss. David dragged himself towards Kaz as Kaz ran a strong hand over the back of David’s head and across his shoulder blade, splaying his palm on the small of David’s back. David kicked off his shoes and wrapped his leg around Kaz’s hip, yanking Kaz closer, and tangling his lips with Kaz’s vehemently. They kissed, gripped with a deep-rooted yearning, as if with every twist of their tongues unraveled every knot of tension and pain in their bodies. They drowned in the deep desperation of each touch.

He pulled his fingers through Kaz’s hair needily, letting his arms fall to his sides. Kaz drove his kiss forward, pushing David back further onto the cabinet until he had all but climbed on top of David. 

After a while they broke apart from their kiss, resting their foreheads together as they gasped for air. A string of saliva connected their lips. They opened their eyes and, wordlessly, Kaz stepped back. David climbed off the cabinet and wasted no time in taking Kaz by the hand and leading him up the stairs as he had done so many times before. Their bodies dragged like anchors, dream heavy under the weight of their desire. 

As they walked up the stairs, David turned to face Kaz, his eyes vibrant. Stepping backwards he took Kaz’s remaining hand and pulled him into the bedroom. Keeping his eyes resolutely on Kaz, David shut the door slowly. Kaz sat on the side of the bed and removed his shoes, hypnotized.

Unbuttoning his shirt, David stalked towards Kaz, his eye contact unwavering. David climbed onto the bed, lowering himself to straddle Kaz with herculean pacing and control. The weight of his thighs pressed down onto Kaz as David arched his hips back. Kaz placed a rigid hand onto David’s waist, pushing it deliberately across David’s chest, over his collarbone, and to his shoulder onto his back, slinking off David’s shirt. It fell to the floor swiftly. He dug his nails into David’s shoulder blade. David let out a soft whine in his throat.

David brought his hand to the back of Kaz’s head running his palm nape of Kaz’s neck before effortlessly removing Kaz’s hair tie. He watched Kaz’s hair cascade and settle by his shoulders before tangling his fingers between locks of spun gold. He tugged gently at Kaz’s roots, tilting Kaz’s head up to face him. David, his fist firmly twined in Kaz’s hair, rested his forehead against Kaz’s. The tension between them was palpable as their breaths, humid and hot, ghosted each other’s expectant lips. David’s mouth hung open with un-distilled desire.

Eyes half lidded mapped every curve and contour of Kaz’s face in utter yearning. He trailed the tips of his fingers from the back of Kaz’s head, over Kaz’s cheeks before cupping his face with his palms and melting into another kiss. 

They moved in slow motion. David grasped Kaz’s face desperately, bringing his hands to Kaz’s neck and removing his scarf. He tossed it to the side carelessly. Kaz hooked his arm around David’s waist, pulling David closer as his hips began to pulse beneath David. In their gathered momentum, David pulled off Kaz’s shirt and pushed Kaz onto his back. He thrust down powerfully onto Kaz, moving in waves over his body as he felt himself grow hard. Kaz dragged his hands over David’s sculpted back. He yanked at the belt buckle over David’s trousers.

Frenzied hands tugged roughly at Kaz’s belt. David dove his face into Kaz’s neck, taking extra care as he drew his lips over the burns. Kaz shut his eyes and sighed helplessly from kiss to kiss, gripping the bedsheets beneath him. He felt the cotton between his fingers as David’s touch washed over his body. He slipped his hands beneath David’s trousers, gripping his ass through the thin fabric of his underwear and guiding David’s hips over his own. His hair splayed across the bed. David breathed in his perfume as Kaz flipped him over and wrenched off his trousers and boxers. David shuffled back onto the bed, laying his head back on the pillow, completely bared. Kaz got up and rummaged through his drawers, producing a small jar of lube which he set beside the bed. David watched Kaz remove his trousers and boxers. His eye lingered on the seams of Kaz’s left leg.

He held his breath, captivated as Kaz slinked towards him on his hands and knees. Kaz let his hand slide over the bedsheets, drawing nearer to the boy beneath him until his paused just above David. He stroked his David’s face, circling the dimple on his cheek. He traced a finger along David’s lips and jaw, moving lower to map the outlines of the muscles on David’s neck. He lay his palm over David’s ribs. His eyes followed before flickering back to meet David’s. He felt David’s chest rise and fall beneath his hand. 

All but suffocating from anticipation, David wove his hand onto Kaz’s and, slowly and deliberately guided their hands over his chest, his waist, and lower to the side of his ass. He threw a measured glance to Kaz’s generous lips and back to meet Kaz’s glare. His mouth hung open trembling, wordlessly begging Kaz to go further. Sensing this, Kaz broke through the dying remains of his barriers and nerves, closing his eyes, and kissed David with visceral hunger.

David’s head flew back into the pillows under the drive of Kaz’s kiss. Pushing through the seams of David’s lips, Kaz twisted his tongue into David’s, winding, unlocking, and snapping each and every thread of David’s desires. He sucked on David’s bottom lip, pulling it as he moved his attention to David’s neck, latching his lips over David’s sensitive skin. David gasped. 

Kaz’s squeezed and massaged David’s ass, thrusting their hips together. Bringing his fingers to David’s anus and he pressed against it tentatively. He felt David nod his head impatiently in response, bucking his hips closer to Kaz and grabbing Kaz’s ass. Kaz reached out to the bedside table and, scooping the lube in his fingers, began to finger David.  
David’s muscles tensed instinctively as he let out a long-drawn moan. He threw his head back.

“Oooooh Kaz,” he whinned as Kaz turned his fingers inside David. Kaz buried his face in David’s abdomen, sucking a small lovebite into the hollows of David’s hip before wrapping his lips around David’s painfully erect penis. 

“Ah!” He jerked his hips forward instinctively. David clutched the top of Kaz’s hair, pulling at it harder and harder in sheer pleasure as Kaz padded his fingers along David’s prostate. They continued like this, David steadily thrusting into Kaz’s mouth, before David eventually released Kaz’s head and dug his nails into Kaz’s shoulder.

“Kaz,” he mewed between heavy breaths. “Kaz, I- I need- I…” David failed to formulate a sentence as he struggled to catch his breath. Kaz raised his head, releasing David’s penis and turning his attention to his own, covering it in a layer of lube. David rolled onto his stomach and arched his ass upwards as he bent his right leg to his hip. He turned back to look at Kaz. Leaning back, he stretched out his neck as let his head hang under the weight of his desire. Half lidded eyes pleaded with the man before him as full, red lips draped open in expectation. Kaz leaned forward onto his arm and lined himself up with David. They shut their eyes and kissed slowly as Kaz gently pushed himself inside.

David broke from their kiss, unable to hold back a small pained groan. Kaz pressed a chaste kiss onto David’s cheek and beside his ear. 

“It’s ok,” he whispered softly, “don’t rush.” His breath was warm against David’s neck. David furrowed his brows and took a deep breath. “It’s ok.” Kaz ran a soothing thumb along David’s waist and nuzzled the crook of David’s neck tenderly. David moaned faintly between his lips at the sensation, feeling his body gradually begin to melt into Kaz’s touch. He let out a long, deep sigh. He rounded his hips and pushed back into Kaz, earning a sharp gasp from Kaz. Sensing that David was ready, Kaz began to thrust.

Their lips met again as they fucked. With every turn of Kaz’s hips David felt his body push and spring back from the bed beneath him. David whimpered helplessly into their kiss, dropping his mouth open to pant with increasing desperation as Kaz’s sped up his movements. 

“Oh god,” he gasped as his cheek pressed into the pillow beneath him. “Oh-god-oh-god-oh-god!”

A hard thrust. Kaz propped himself up with his right arm. He gave David’s ass a rough squeeze before running his flesh hand steadily over the muscles of David’s back. Determined fingertips massaged David with expert dexterity as dominating thighs pushed into David relentlessly. He felt himself drool into the pillow as the headboard banged rhythmically against the wall. He panted in time with each and every roll and snap of Kaz’s hips. David clenched his fists.

Kaz leaned in again, burying his head in the crook of David’s neck as he pounded him with increasing momentum. He ran his tongue over David’s collarbone and gently bit on his earlobe. David’s mouth dropped open as he felt the heat of Kaz’s breath in waves over his skin.

“Oh David,” moaned Kaz softly, incoherently lost in his pleasure. “David, David you’re so-. David, I-.” Kaz pushed himself in deeper. David yelped.

He felt himself falling harder and faster as Kaz filled him up mercilessly. David’s muscles clenched, his entire body fraught with increasing tension, twining and twining and twining as he inched towards release. His lungs heaved as he struggled to catch his breath. He rolled his head back as the room began to circle around him. He was so close.  
“Kaz- Kaz, turn me over,” breathed David. Kaz removed himself from David, flipping him onto his back. For a moment Kaz hovered above David, David’s eyes lingering over Kaz’s lips. In an instant, David reached out and latched his lips onto Kaz’s, wrapping his arms around Kaz’s waist and rolling him over. Now on top of his master, David wasted little time in lowering himself onto Kaz’s dick and slowly rocking his hips.

Kaz shut his eyes and dropped his head back, hissing in impatient pleasure as David began to ride him at an agonizingly measured pace.

“Fuuccck,” he gasped as David arched his back. Kaz gripped the bedsheets, feathering the fabric between his fingers. “David, David -ah!” David plunged himself onto Kaz suddenly and swayed his hips with more vigour. He stretched out his neck as he felt his breathing quicken. Kaz let his head roll back and brought his forearm to his face, covering his eyes.  
Noticing this, David leaned in closer and nestled his face beside Kaz’s ear. He nuzzled Kaz lovingly, breathing in his perfume as if it were his air.

“Kaz,” he whispered softly, his breath coiling against Kaz’s skin. “Kaz, Kaz it’s alright, it’s ok.” Steadily, and with infinite care for Kaz’s boundaries, David ran a slow hand down Kaz’s waist, stroking the hollows of Kaz’s hip with his thumb. “It’s alright, it’s ok.” 

After a moment he felt Kaz’s body relax as barriers began to melt away. Kaz brought his hand to the back of David’s head and brought their mouths together. As they kissed, Kaz threaded his fingers through David’s hair, tugging it lightly before coursing his palm over the nape of David’s neck, over the gentle curve of his spine and resting his hand on the small of David’s back. 

Gripping David tightly, Kaz broke away from their kiss and bucked his hips powerfully, sitting upright so that David was straddling his lap. David placed a hand on Kaz’s shoulder and rested his forehead on Kaz’s. Kaz opened his eyes and locked gazes with David as he thrust upwards purposely. Their eye contact was unwavering, their stares burning with molten desire. The smoldering heat of their longing drew their lips together once more, David tangling his hands through Kaz’s golden locks feverishly as they kissed and kissed and kissed and kissed. David shut his eyes.

“I love you,” David chanted breathlessly, holding Kaz’s head against his own. 

“ _I love you I love you I love you I love you-_ “ 

-he drew his lips over Kaz’s jaw. Kaz held his breath-

“ _-I love you I love you I love you I love you-_ ”

-he kissed the scars on Kaz’s neck. Kaz felt his body tighten-

“ _-I love you I love you I love you I love you-_ ”

-tears began to leak uncontrollably down David’s cheeks. Kaz felt the wet chill of David’s tears stream over his collarbone-

“ _I love you I love you I love you I love you-_ “

-David’s body tremored like a butterfly’s wing. Kaz sped up his movements. David bounced uncontrollably on Kaz’s hips. David threw his head back, letting his body hang as waves of pleasure washed over him.

“I love you I love you,” he panted hysterically, “I love you I love you I love you I-“

David gasped as, in one swift, seamless movement, Kaz lifted him up and flung him onto his back, pouncing on top of him and hounding him with a frantic, tempestuous kiss. He could hardly breathe under the force of Kaz’s lips. Kaz lifted David’s leg over his shoulder and pounded into him manically. David gripped the bedsheets hard and let out a long, howl of unrestrained pleasure. He bunched the fabric in his fists and pulled at them frantically as he felt himself nearing his climax.  
Kaz wrapped his hand around David’s penis and jerked him off in time with his rapid reckless thrusting.

“Aaah- aah- _aaah_!” he screamed clinging to the sheets in desperation. Kaz felt David’s corded body tighten beneath him. He let go of David’s leg which fell to the side gracelessly. Kaz leaned in and latched his lips onto David’s neck, thrusting more and more erratically until David let out one final cry of ecstasy. 

Trembling helplessly, David body’s twisted and coiled in unbearable tension, twining and twining until with a deep lunge of Kaz’s hips, he felt himself shatter into a thousand broken pieces, and scatter defenseless across his lover’s bed. White ribbons lashed over his stomach and chest.

Completely and utterly undone, David clung his arms desperately around Kaz’s waist as he felt Kaz bring himself to completion. Kaz let out a low, wolfish groan as he buried himself deeper and deeper inside David. His movements became more and more erratic until with one final push he came. His elbows, locked as they propped himself above David, buckled as he collapsed into David’s arms. David ran a firm hand over Kaz’s back, stroking him tenderly as they melted together.

Cradled in David’s arms, his head nestled against the steady rise and fall of David’s chest, he felt the whirlwinds of fear and pain come to a still in his rabbit heart. He listened to the steady pulse of David’s heartbeat beneath him, and felt the warmth and promise of devotion and safety in David’s embrace. David ran a tender hand through the threads of Kaz’s hair. He sighed and shut his eyes.

**

“And you’ll be alright by yourself?” David asked, buttoning his coat. Kaz nodded silently, smiling kindly at the boy before him. David placed a gentle hand on Kaz’s shoulder. “I’ll come and see you in a few weeks, ok? Until then, promise me you’ll stay safe.”

“I will,” replied Kaz, placing his hand on top of David’s, giving it a gentle squeeze.

“And if you need me, if you need anything just call me ok? Don’t hesitate for a second, if you need anything-“

“Alright, David, alright.” Kaz laughed softly and shook his head fondly at David’s endlessly endearing manner. David smiled, blushing.

“Ok then, ok, just wanted to be sure.” A short silence settled between them. Kaz drew his eyes over David’s face wistfully. He was beautiful. He wished that David could stay this innocent forever. Stepping forward, fraught with tension, he cupped David’s face and pulled him into one final kiss. He shut his eyes and, placing his arms on David’s waist, leaned his forehead against David’s rubbing their noses together gently. He slid his hands over to the small of David’s back. David hummed contentedly and wrapped his arms around Kaz too, the pair swaying gently, as if for one brief, fragile moment their worlds were in perfect harmony. 

“I’ll miss you while I’m gone,” David admitted, a glint of nerves in his eyes. Kaz smiled benevolently, keeping his eyes shut. 

“You’ll be fine,” He tightened his hold on David. “You always will be, I promise.” He felt David nuzzle him softly. After a moment, Kaz broke their embrace.

“You’d best be on your way, David.” David sighed reluctantly.

“You’re right.” He gave Kaz one final hug before letting Kaz go.

“I’ll see you later,” said David, opening the door. “I love you.”

“I –“ began Kaz. He felt himself tense up. He let out a small breath and took one final look at David.

“Goodbye, David,” he replied. He brought his hand to David’s face and ran his thumb over the dimple in David’s cheek lovingly. “Take care.” David’s eyes flickered to meet Kaz’s.

He gave Kaz one last smile before turning to leave. Kaz held his elbows in his palms, his fingers digging into his arm, as he watched the man that he adored walk away. He felt what remained of his cold, battered heart break apart and dissolve to dust.

**

David twined his fingers on the telephone cord. No matter how long he had been with Kaz, he always felt a rush of excitement as he heard the tone dialing. 

“Kaz,” he began, “Kaz, it’s –“

“Hello?” answered an unfamiliar voice. David remained silent, momentarily stunned. “Hello,” she continued, “who is this?” Snapping out of his daze, David took a breath.

“Hello, I’m looking for Benedict, Benedict Miller.” His voice was polite and measured. The name sounded foreign on his tongue. 

“Who?” 

“Benedict Miller,” replied David, “He lives here.” A pause.

“I’m sorry, this must have been his old number. He no longer lives here.” David held his breath. 

“I’m afraid I don’t have a new number to pass on.” David blinked. Silence. 

“Hello, hello are you still there?” David blinked again, shaking his head.

“Yes, sorry, yes,” he responded, taking a breath.

“I’m afraid I don’t have a new number to pass on,” she repeated.

“That- that’s ok,” he replied, “Thank you for your time and sorry to disturb you, Ma’am.”

“You’re welcome,” she said, kindly. “Have a good evening.”

“And to you too.” She hung up. David stood frozen, listening to the empty dial tone. Slowly released his grip and let the phone roll from his hand and fall. 

David leaned back onto the wall and slid down to the floor. Numbed by his pain, he stared blankly ahead. Abandoned, he felt his heart grow cold.


	42. The End

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Kelcie, Cammy, Jenna, Ava - thanks for your friendship and unwavering support.

_—Even losing you (the joking voice, a gesture_  
_I love) I shan’t have lied. It’s evident_  
_the art of losing’s not too hard to master_  
_though it may look like ( **Write it!** ) like disaster._

***

David taped up another box. Four more to go in the car and he would be done. A voice from behind caught his attention.

“Hey,” said Cecile. David nodded in response. His face was tired. “I have something to show you.” She began to root through her purse. “I think you’d like to see.”

David turned to Cecile and leaned back, folding his arms. He tilted his head idly. Slender fingers routed through receipts and stamps, eventually producing a small square piece of paper. She passed it to David. David’s eyes scanned the photograph, lingering for a moment. Almost pouting, David flickered his eyes to meet Cecile’s.

“ _He cut his hair_.” 

Cecile pursed her lips and lowered her brow, taken aback by David’s reaction, accusatory, as if he was personally offended by the very thought of Kaz cutting his hair. 

“Yes,” she began shrugging and nodding her head. “Yes, I suppose he did.” 

David brought his attention back to the picture before him. His eyes softened their glare. Candid, Kaz was looking away. His outline was faintly blurred as he turned his head. Standing tall in his long, elegant winter coat, Kaz must have still been cold as he absentmindedly held his elbows in his palms. 

David had never seen Kaz with short hair. Even if he mostly tied his hair back, David was taken aback by the difference. Without the extra weight, his hair formed soft waves that fell to a blunt stop. Tousled gold with strands of grey grazed the edge of his jaw, caught adrift in the gentle breeze. David wanted to tuck the stray threads behind his ear. He ached for the feeling of his Master’s hair between his fingers once more. 

It looked as if Kaz had just cut his hair on impulse; there was no style or finesse. David suspected that Kaz had finally just given up and taken a pair of scissors to his ponytail. Yet, in the faint, almost secretive smile that curved upon his lips, Kaz was endlessly beautiful. To David, he always would be.

“I took it when we last met a few months ago,” added Cecile, breaking the silence. “He seemed strange, but,” she hesitated. “I don’t know, almost relieved. I suspect he just stopped caring.”

“Well,” replied David, his eyes still fixed on Kaz, “I can definitely imagine that.”

“You certainly knew him well,” noted Cecile. She closed her purse. “Keep it - I’ve got plenty of my own, and that one’s blurry anyway.” David looked up at Cecile and raised an eyebrow.

“Are you sure?” Cecile smiled, nodding. “Thanks.” He placed it in his wallet.

“Do you have any of you both?” she hazarded, her voice tentative. David let out a short laugh.

“No, but Kaz certainly did. He left me a trunk full of them,” he sighed, walking over to the trunk. 

"He did?" replied Cecile, incredulous. "Didn't have him down as the sentimental type."

“Let me find one for you.” He opened the trunk. He trailed his fingers over the photographs and stopped at the edge of the envelope addressed to him. His hand lingered before he picked up the letter and put it in his pocket, before rummaging through the photographs.

“Here,” he said, one to Cecile. “This was taken last year when he came to visit my place.”

Cecile’s eyes flickered down to the picture of her friend, reclining back into an arm chair, his arms folded with a cigarette propped between his lips. She smiled to herself.

“He looks happy,” she murmured. David tilted his head, taken aback.

“Really?” replied David, a glimmer of hope lacing his voice. She nodded in reply.

“You must have done a good job.” David rolled his eyes and chuckled. 

“I mean it. I know him, and he looks happy- happier than I’d seen him for years.” She paused, correcting herself. “Well - as happy as I guess he ever could be, all things considered…” Her voice trailed off. She offered the photograph back to David. 

“You don’t want to keep it?” he asked. She shook her head.

“I’ve got plenty of my own.” She placed the photograph in David’s hand. “Keep it, for the memories.” David raised an eyebrow, cynical.

“Think I’d want to remember?” he joked wryly. She shut her eyes and let out a small laugh.

“Well, perhaps there are some lessons that you don’t want to forget.” David remained quiet for a moment, thoughtful. He leaned back against the wall and folded his arms.

“I don’t know,” he began, lowering his gaze. “I don’t think there’s anything I’ve learned from this.” His voice was low and pensive. “I know if he were still here, or if somehow we could bring him back, I-” He sighed. “Well I’d just make the same mistakes again.” Cecile tilted her head.

“What mistakes were they?” David hummed.

“Everything,” he replied. “Everything. And I’d do it all again, everything and worse in the blink of an eye.” He paused. “Pathetic, isn’t it?” A silence between the pair.

“They say that this is how you learn,” continued David. “You make mistakes, you suffer, you grow. I-I don’t think I can believe that,” his voice and thoughts trailed off. “Maybe it’s just a lie we tell ourselves to try and ease the pain; just something to try and make some sense of all of the time we’d wasted.” He shook his head and scoffed. “Lord knows I’ve not got much time left to waste and yet…” He lowered his eyes. “Here I am, I guess.” He shrugged.

“I don’t know, maybe we don’t get any stronger; maybe we just get tired.” Cecile remained silent. He shook his head and scoffed.

“Sorry, ignore me, I’m just-” He rolled his eyes and laughed, trying to mask his pain. “You know, I used to hate it whenever Kaz would start monologuing like that.” 

Cecile placed a comforting hand on David’s shoulder and smiled knowingly.

“It’s nothing I haven’t heard already,” she replied, drawing an eye over the boy before her. “No wonder Kaz liked you so much; you sound just like him.” She patted his arm.

“ _Don’t make a habit of it.”_

He ran his fingers along the edge of the envelope nervously. Half of him was tempted to throw it away and save himself the pain. After all, what else could come of a note left behind from the now deceased love of his life?

He lowered his eyes, drawing his gaze over the effortlessly neat cursive of Kaz’s handwriting. Whatever thoughts circled through his mind, he knew they would all align and point concisely to one conclusion: David was not ready for this. He sighed, knowing fully well that he would never be ready – life never afforded David that luxury. He shook his head and opened the envelope, careful not to tear the edges.

“ _David_ ,” it read. 

“ _I loved you with all I had left. I’m sorry it was never enough. I’m sorry it had to end this way._

_I promise that it’s going to be ok._

_Take care,_

_K._ ”

Folding the letter neatly, he placed it in his pocket. He shut his eyes. 

***

“Well, I guess this is it,” concluded David, buttoning his coat. Cecile held her elbows in her palm and sighed.

“I suppose so,” she noted. “About time you went home, you wouldn’t want to stay here too long.” David nodded in agreement. 

“And you’ll be ok handling the rest?” asked David. Cecile craned her head upwards and looked at the now almost empty house around them. She raised a playful eyebrow.

“Just about,” she joked. David let out a short laugh. The puppy headbutted David’s leg. He knelt down, fussing her head before picking her up and walking towards the door. Cecile followed. He placed the puppy in a box of Kaz’s old jumpers. He ran a hand over her ears.

“Stay there for me, yeah? It’ll only be for a minute, then it’s time for your first ever car ride,” he cooed as she tilted her head curiously. David tilted his head in response. Cecile watched, uncontrollably grinning affectionately. It was no surprise that Kaz was so fond of the boy. He was a goddamn puppy. She sighed.

“Have a safe journey home,” she murmured softly. “It was good getting to know you.” David turned his head and looked up. 

“And you, Cecile,” he replied. He stood up and faced Cecile. A silence fell between them. He brushed down his coat. 

“Thank you for everything,” he began, extending his arm for a handshake. “I’m really glad we met.” Cecile looked down at David’s hand, pausing before throwing her slender arms around him in a clumsy hug. She gave him a short squeeze.

“Keep in touch, David,” she all but whispered. Her voice was heavy and sincere. She pressed her cheek into the fabric of David’s coat. “I’m going to miss you”. He held her close.

“I’ll miss you too, Cecile,” he replied, breaking from their hug. “I promise I’ll keep in touch.” Cecile let out a warm smile and patted David’s arm as David reached to open the door. David looked out and squinted, recoiling slightly.

“Is something wrong?” asked Cecile, raising an eyebrow. 

“No, no.” David raised a hand to shade his eyes before shaking his head and turning to Cecile. “It’s just – it’s just bright is all.” He nodded and picked up the final box.

“Goodbye, Cecile.” Cecile nodded in response.

“Goodbye, David. Take care.”

***

David walked away, keeping his gaze forward as he heard the door shut gently behind him. He stood outside the car, placing the box in the passenger seat beside him. He rested his hand on the car door and looked out at the world around him. 

The morning light, glaring and clear, streamed and cut through the gaps in the trees. He raised an idle hand to shield his eyes, squinting to focus on what lay ahead. The air was cold on his lips; the light, warm on his fingers. He blinked and looked forward.

Shutting the passenger door, he sat in the driver seat and began to drive away. He kept his eyes forward.

As he drove, it was if the world mapped itself out at his feet. Clusters of trees opened onto a proud parade of endless mountains; the small winding track grew to a relentless unforgiving road without end. As if the world was so much larger, so much greater than the burdens that he could ever bear. As if he was destined to always be tired and never at peace again. The days were brighter now, and only stood to grow longer. He looked forward. 

He reached into his pocket. Pulling out Kaz’s glasses, he placed them squarely on the bridge of his nose. His eyes fluttered as he looked forward. 

The world grew darker still, but somehow easier to bear.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you so much for reading. I hope you've enjoyed reading it as much as I've enjoyed putting it to paper.
> 
> If you have any parting thoughts - anything that stuck, anything you'd like to share - please feel free to let me know in the comments or on tumblr at cryingoverkaz. What did you think of the ending? Do you have a favourite part of the fic?
> 
> Thank you for all of your kind comments and observations throughout the fic - they've honestly been crucial in getting me to the end of this fic and not giving up.
> 
> I can't believe it's over! I have a few more ideas (aus/one shots/another fic I need to finish) so hopefully you'll be hearing from me again in the not too distant future... 
> 
> Until then, take care and thank you so much for reading!

**Author's Note:**

> Thanks so much for reading!
> 
> As always, please feel free to let me know your thoughts in the comments below or say hello on tumblr at:
> 
> cryingoverkaz.tumblr.com


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